I’m especially good at expectorating – Alan Menken and Howard Ashman, “Gaston”
Ah, more Sunday prep work for a Tuesday column. Why not? The Bears are playing a night game, and I’m not leaving the apartment anyway because, since Christmas Eve, I’ve had a f*cking cold, which I’ve got to throw off some way, because it’s one of those that make you think “Just kill me, please, and put me out of my misery” (kinda like the Bears after tonight…finally, this nightmarish season is over). For the past five days, I’ve felt like someone’s taken a garden hose, stuffed it up my nostrils, and turned it on full blast. I’ve been spitting up phlegm that’s shaded with colors not found in nature. And now I have to deal with what I deal with every time I have a cold: some small examples of Herpes zoster making their presence known on my top lip (before you start the jokes, that’s the virus that causes cold sores). So I’m even more miserable than normal. Let’s start off with news and views from the world, since I know that pisses off everyone who thinks this is a column about wrestling…
RAEL, IMPERIAL AEROSOL KING…
Let’s see. Outer-space cult claims they’ve cloned a human being. Sure. The totally f*cked-up part about all of this is that they’re getting mammoth amounts of press for this “discovery”. This, people, is what is known as a “recruitment drive”. However, that’s kind of a drawback in this case. Would you trust a cult leader who bears a decent resemblance to a balding Charles Manson? I thought not. Plus, he’s French and dresses like a Jedi who used too much bleach in his laundry.
Speaking of Jedi, how is it that the Raelians are an official religion according to Quebec, but “Jedi” has trouble getting that same status everywhere they’ve tried? Hey, George Lucas is as qualified to be the head of a religion as L. Ron Hubbard…oh, bad example. They don’t have official religious status too, and they tend to harass people who make fun of them. Joseph Smith? No, that’ll piss off most of Utah. Maybe I could go all the way and cite Good Ol’ Josh. Alienate billions of people at the same time. That’s been a dream of mine…
…why the hell do I go off on tangents all the time? That’s very distracting to the readers…oh, yeah, I admitted in last week’s column that I don’t give a f*ck about my readers…okay, it’s very distracting to me. I don’t need distractions while I’m hopped up on cold medication. It’s hard enough to think as it is. Back to the Raelians…
However, if they’ve really done it…hmmm, it might just be worth it. A second chance for me, tweaking my brain chemicals in the womb so I don’t grow up with that ticking time bomb for which I’m medicating myself to death (no, not the cold (although I’m doing that too), the other thing, the word that Keith keeps throwing into his columns to finish my short drive to full insanity). And if they’re tweaking that, let’s see about getting a larger penis, okay?
(You know, I just realized I’ve already used five ellipses, and we’re not even past the introduction and first news item…GODDAMNIT, STAY ON TOPIC! Oops, make that six ellipses…okay, seven. But that’s more than enough, so I’ll try to stop.)
AND SO I DID. LET’S FLASH FORWARD…DAMN, THAT’S EIGHT ELLIPSES
It’s now Monday morning. So, how did I pass the time since I wrote the above? I finished scribbling that at about 10:30 yesterday morning, and I was a bit tired, so I decided to take a nap. Eight hours later, I woke up. Okay, I’m under stress at work (including something I hope to tell you about by tomorrow’s column at the latest) and I had that cold (see above), so I needed the rest. However, this kept me up waaaaay past my bedtime, and I only got about four hours’ sleep, waking up, and scribbling this little entry. Like you care. My cold’s a lot better, though.
Here’s a tip: I’m a very deep sleeper. I’ve been known to sleep through a two-hour alarm cycle (not roll over, hit the sucker, and go back to bed; I mean sleep all the way through it). If that’s the case with you too, set your clock radio to NPR. It’s so annoying that you have no choice but to wake up.
THE FINAL PIMP SECTION OF 2002
So, Flea…fifteenth, huh? I’ll only bitch about three people above me: The Prick and Rasmussen on general principle, and Samuda on the fact that I was the one who killed his style of wrestling news presentation forever. However, thank you for the great compliment inherent by placing me so high in that list.
Livingston does his year-end thing, and although he’s a little too markish for my tastes, most of you will enjoy him.
Mansfield is, of course, wrong. The reason the IWC turned against Steiner was the fact that he became the spokesfreak for Better Living Through Chemistry and pissed away his image as a wrestler to become one of the most inexplicably popular SE guys around. However, I already went through my explanations on that one, so I’ll let Cliff loose to travel in his delusionary wonderland.
Vanderhorst is back. Enough said.
AND SO IT ENDS…
As a not-so-young rookie meat inspector, one of the first lessons I was taught was to never use the phrase “mercy-kill” in conjunction with animal killing. Use the phrase “humane slaughter” instead. The Bears’ season was humanely slaughtered last night in one of the most dismal offensive contests I’ve ever seen. No TDs from either side in a contest where both defenses weren’t up to snuff either (no excuses from the Fuckin’ Queers; they weren’t “resting guys for the playoffs”). Add to that the fingernails-on-chalk-board ESPN “announcing crew”, and it was a horror show desperately in need of a Riff-Raff, Magenta, or Columbia.
At least my pal BFM was able to take away some joy from yesterday’s perversion. His Cleveland Browns made the playoffs courtesy of the NFL Tiebreaker System, which was created by the nuclear scientists at CERN and kept secret by a fiercly protective set of monks of the Holy Order Of Saint Rozelle in a remote location somewhere in the Black Forest. Personally, I’d say f*ck the tiebreakers (and that includes you, New Jersey Biplanes). If you have a boatload of 9-7 teams like the AFC did this year, just have all of the team’s placekickers participate in an Elimination Chamber match. Nothing more fun than seeing a bunch of the most unathletic guys in American sports (with the possible exception of baseball catchers) try to kick each other to death inside of a steel tit.
CLOSE THE WINDOW IF YOU FEEL COLD
Oh, this is a good one. One of my favorite lawmakers, Representative Charles Rangel (D, State Represented By Hitlary In The Senate), is going to propose legislation that will bring back the military draft, ditched thirty years ago in light of Vietnam. This is a delightful little trap for the Republicans. If they vote against it, they’re going to get pummeled by Demos telling everyone that they talk a big game about national defense, but they don’t do anything about it. If they vote for it, they’re going to get pummeled by the Demos for wanting to send kids off to war. The GOPers can’t do the same, because the Demos can counter by saying “We voted for a proposal by one of our own” (if in favor) or “Hey, we’re Democrats” (if against). Rangel is a tough SOB, and he plays dirty, being taught well by the old Noo Yawk Machine. That’s why I like him. Reminds me a lot of the Old Guard here in Chicago.
So, what’s my position? I’m in favor. That’s mainly because 1) I’m too damn old, 2) I’ve already served, and 3) I’m a sadist. There’d be nothing better than to get you adolescent pig couch-potatoes into the hands of a drill sergeant. I dropped fifty pounds while in Basic and somehow kept it off eleven years after I got out. It’d also instill some sense of responsibility and obedience into you little brats too. We’ll have a fitter, more well-behaved nation this way. The only drawback I can see is the fact that it’d put automatic weapons in the hands of kids who want to use them. Good, let them cull each other out. Survival of the fittest.
ONE BOX OFFICE TO RULE THEM ALL
“The Two Towers” reached the $200 million mark in twelve days. I have no idea if this is going to start a trend of filming a movie and its sequels back-to-back, but if the results are as good as this, I don’t think I’d bitch. That’s what they should have done with the Harry Potter shit, because they’re worried about their Little Tool Of Satan Daniel Radcliffe and his co-stars going through puberty (not to mention having to replace the late Richard Harris). If you bought the “Fellowship of the Ring” 4-DVD set (and shame on you if you didn’t), you found out, though, what a real pain in the ass shooting that movie was. You had to have very willing performers. I’d just like to see Viggo Mortensen admit that committing to eighteen months of shooting given one week’s notice might have been a slight misjudgement.
And speaking of misjudgement, Raw this week featured The Best Of 2002, which, if treated properly, should have been fifteen minutes with fifteen minutes of commercials added on, followed by a special Star Trek: The Next Generation – The Best Of Troi’s Cleavage. I fortunately don’t have to break format, since I haven’t seen most of these matches (I’ll be damned if I’m going to buy PPVs), therefore I can treat the show as normal…
THE SHORT FORM
Opinions of Matches, Most Of Which I Haven’t Seen (as said above for the idiots that scroll down to get wrestling results):
Edge versus Eddy Guerrero (Smackdown, September 26th): You know, my boycott of Smackdown actually started for a practical reason. I was starting work at four f*cking thirty in the morning and 7 PM CT was my bedtime, and God knows that after most days at work, I couldn’t even think hard enough to program my VCR. Then Steph was appointed General Mangler, and the boycott took on practical levels since I never want to see that bitch on my screen again. This is a great example of what I’ve been missing. Edge/Eddy is said by a lot of people to be Feud of the Year, and I love both those guys. However, my hatred of Steph burns brighter. And I was able to remember another reason to boycott: I loathe f*cking Cole. Bitch can’t even call a hurracanrana correctly (although he did with Angle/Misterio).
The Undertweener versus Jeffykins, Ladder Match (Raw, July 1st): Here’s what I said in my July 2nd column:
I never knew a ladder match could be sooooo painfully slloooooowwwww. It’s not the worst gimmick match UT has ever been in (we’ve all tried to forget that mess against the Bossman in the Cell), but a bad idea nonetheless. It was the bouncer in a leather bar versus Tonight’s Pass-Around Bitch. Was this Manchester or Provincetown?
I’m not going to alter that opinion just because WWE thinks it’s a great moment. I think the yoyos in the IWC who anointed this match when it came out were insane, and anyone who still thinks so six months later needs more medication than I do. In fact, I’m of firm belief that this was the first sign of the IWC turning against Hardy the way they have lately. He was dog-assing it from beginning to end of this match, pissy-wissy that he wasn’t going to be booked as Undisputed Champion (like anyone would take that seriously). Now people are falling behind me yet again as I lead the Train Of Opinion down the track. First Flex, then Steph, now Hardy. Start agreeing with me now, people, and avoid the rush to the dining car.
Kurt Angle versus Rey Misterio (SummerSlam): You want a reason why Kurt Angle is everyone’s consensus Wrestler of the Year? This match provides the best reason I can think of. Rey-Rey’s used to playing in everyone else’s sandbox. Before this match, though, Angle had never played in Rey-Rey’s. There were lots of questions going in about whether or not this would be a stylistic mismatch and whether we’d see the first chink in Angle’s armor of skills. Absolutely not. The pairing was perfect, with no mismatch in sight. Bravo to Angle.
Flex versus the Goblin, Most Overrated Match Of The Year (Wrestlemania): Yeah, like I’m going to say anything good about this. Keith has always had this view that Hogan/Andre at WM3 was five snowflakes for SE value, but one and a half for the actual wrestling. I’m the same way about this match. After all, it has two of my five most hated wrestlers involved in a main event at the biggest PPV of the year. What’s not to loathe? And then WWE compounded its stupidity by yet again not booking the Flex heel turn that the crowd was salivating for after this match. I’ve been waiting three goddamn years for that heel turn. When it it coming? Dammit, I want to know!
Trip versus Shawn, Unsanctioned Match (SummerSlam): You know, we can make all the assumptions we want about things. However, some things remain obvious, knowing what we smarks know: the only man Trip will job to willingly nowadays is his old buddy Shawn Michaels. That’s why Michaels got the world belt: Trip knew it had to get off of his sad-ass waist, and he didn’t want to drop it to just anybody, because that would weaken his infernal power. He ended up giving it to the one person in wrestling who has a major reputation for not dropping belts in matches. So what happens next? Give the title away as a part of the next big Powerball payout?
Kurt Angle versus Edge (Backlash): ‘Tis the season for MotY lists (something I do not and will never do). The same name keeps popping up at the top of most people’s lists, time and time again. That name is Kurt Angle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an MotY gathering with so many different matches featuring the same person. The Smackdown Six could do no wrong in the eyes of the IWC this year, and Angle was the vanguard. Shit, we all expected it to be Benoit.
Brock kills Flex, Undisputed Title Match (SummerSlam): I did reward you sufficiently for that, Mister Lesnar, didn’t I?
(At this point, I’m thinking, “Why the hell am I bothering watching this? I can pick up the DVD of SummerSlam at Best Buy.” And I can keep watching the moment when Brock gives Flex the F5 over and over and over until my woodrow spurts with delight.)
Kane versus Chris Crass versus Rob Van Dan and Jeffykins versus the Dudley Boys, Caucasian Variant, TLC Tag Titles Match (Raw, October 7th): I was going to check out my October 8th column to see what I said about this one at the time, except that the Bears were playing on October 7th, and I didn’t bother with Raw. I generally hate the devaluation of TLC matches. This is one of those stips that shouldn’t be pissed away on free TV. At no time, though, should a TLC match involve Kane, much less have Kane go over. Tables match, sure. Chairs match, sure. But not TLC. Yeah, it was nice, but it just didn’t have the oomph in it that the first two TLC matches did. The main problem here is that the third TLC and this one exposed the business. There were too many set pieces in each where you could tell which way things were going to go. It’s become, essentially, formulaic. It’s pretty emblematic of WWE as a whole right now, and thus the appropriate way to end off this not-so-special.
None. It’s a f*cking recap show.
And that’ll do it for me for today. Look, if you decide to go out tonight, please, please, use a f*cking designated driver. It’s Amateur Night out there, and the risk of accident is way too high (and if you’re not the designated driver and decide to capitalize on everyone’s lack of inhibitions while intoxicated, at least be sober enough to use a condom; you don’t know where those things have been). I want to see you here tomorrow for the New Years’ Day extravaganza, where I get to do a Special Best Of column for once, among other things. So, please, play it safe.
I’m especially good at expectorating – Alan Menken and Howard Ashman, “Gaston”