Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I also hope everyone is ready to get good and f*cked up this evening. I personally plan to be wandering around the streets of either Albany and Saratoga with some cash in my pocket and a buzz going. Hopefully, I won’t even know when midnight rolls around.
Supposedly, there has been a successful cloning done of a human. The company responsible says that, in 25 years, they hope to be able to clone you and download your brain into the new body. I’ll leave it to Gamble to discuss the religious implications of this, but today’s philosophical question is: who really wants to live forever?
And who wants Michael Goddam Jackson to live forever? Because celebrities are going to be the only folks affording this for some time to come.
And Flea… but the world needs more Fleas.
Note to James Marshall: Shania’s CD is actually a two CD set. One disc is all her songs done in country style, and the other is the same songs done in pop style. There is then a THIRD set of songs you can unlock on her website with the discs that are done in blues style. I would bitch about it being one of those things so they could make more money on a two disc set and all, but I only spent $9.98 when it bought as a Christmas gift for my yak.
Note to Jeff Mod: Congrats to Ohio to getting a team in the playoffs for the first time in god knows how long. Good Luck. Feel free to maul anyone until you reach the juggernaut that is the Giants.
Lets Roll, shall we?
This has been done to death but…
This Billboard top 40 Rock songs of all time. Are they kidding? I mean, I know no one really takes Billboard all that seriously anymore… even Casey Casem has bailed on the whole AT40 thing. What did they do? Feed a 24-year old junkie a jar of No-Doz and some Columbian Prime until he was able to bang out his favorite 40 songs? I mean, put a disclaimer on it or something. IE: The Top Forty of Some Dude You Don’t Care About.
Besides, any top forty list of all rock songs that doesn’t include something from Appetite For Destruction is just kidding itself. Billboards Top 40, maybe. Sweet Child o Mine is probably in the top ten rock songs of all time.
Actually, though, the music industry might want to take a good, long, hard look at that list before they question why album sales are taking a nose dive… because any list of something people are supposed to swallow as “talent†that includes TLC, Tag Team, Puff Daddy, and Los del Rios and doesn’t include, Alice n Chains, GNR, Dr Dre, or the Beatles is a pretty good indication as to why people don’t give a damn anymore. At least, in the ninties, for every five albums of shit that came out, there was at least some kind of mainstream goodness. Now, it’s maybe for every twenty albums of shit you get one diamond in the rough… and THAT’s only if you like nu-metal/rapcore that the boys in Limp Bizkit made famous before Fred turned all gay and shit. When One Hit Wonders are on your list of greatest songs of all time, something has to be done to re-evaluate how you do business.
More Limp Gayness
Well, not really gayness in the man-love sense of the term, but Fred Durst signed an autograph at the Billboard Awards in Vegas with “Fred Durst loves Avril Levine.†He told the fan in question that he was hopelessly in love with her and hoped she dug on balding guys.
The fan in question immediately looked at the autograph, burst into laughter, and tried to slit Fred’s throat with it. When security held him back, he instead slit his own throat, screaming something about his heroes failing him and the final few signs of the apocalypse coming true. It is a little known six-and-a-half sign of the apocalypse that the lead singer of a kickass band would eventually turned faggish and fall in love with an underage rocker who is as fake as he turned out to be.
In the words of the great Evocator Does it get any more pathetic than that?
Indeed it does young one… just imagine if it was Joe Elliot.
More with Joe Elliot
Ok, so I read Matt Jones’s Review of Def Leppards new album X, and I starting thinking to myself that it CAN’T be as bad as people are saying it is. So, I says, I’ll log on to Kazaa and see what I can see. I bounce over to Amazon to get a track list and, lo and behold, Amazon has thirty second clips of the first five songs. This’ll give me a taste.
OK, to disclaim, I like all types of music. I have songs I enjoy ranging from Nsync and Brittney to Dre and Cube and from Tom Petty and Pink Floyd to Rammstein. Now, I have Hysteria, Pyromania, and Adrenalize… and none of these clips are recognizable as Def Leppard, nor as the metally roots they come from. It reeks of a band that’s past it’s prime trying to stay relevant to the young’uns rather than keeping it’s bread buttered where they made it.
That being said, if you buy it as a Def Leppard album as a metal fan, it does, indeed, blow horse-penis. If you like pop then, by all means, buy it and love it. They may be pop, but they at least play instruments.
Get Rich Quick Grandma
An 80-year old woman won a court case against Master P, stating that her voice was recorded illegally and used in the opening track of Master P’s latest album.
When asked, no one knew Master P even HAD a new album.
When further asked, no one even CARED Master P had a new album.
When continually pressed, people asked for Kurt Hennig to sing a reworked rendition of Rap Is Crap.
Grandma P walked away with about half a million in settlements.
Musical Crap
Apparently, the Brits are following suit with the craze of processed bands. Most of the teeney boppers in Britain have fallen in love with American Idol type shows, thus proving that ANYONE can be made into a star with enough money and marketing.
Yep, that music industry…all about talent and drive. Nothing to do with how hot you are.
You can tell how talented a band is by how ugly they are. Rolling Stones? Keith Richards is butt ugly. Know what that means? Super talented.
I think the recording industry is shooting themselves in the foot proving that they just take anyone off the street and make them a star. Kind of takes that whole mystique out of it… that whole “ya need talent†thing.
Free Stones
The Rolling Stones are putting on a free benefit concert in California. Tickets will be distributed via a lottery system and the first 6000 entries will get tickets. People are comparing it to their LAST free concert in Altamont that turned out to be a bloodbath.
In case anyone else is wondering, I didn’t know what the bloodbath references were to, either. I looked it up, so for anyone else who is clueless… apparently, back in the sixties, someone had the brilliant idea to hire Hell’s Angels (the biker gang) as the security for the concert, rather than the normal broke college kids and friends that usually permeate venue security. Hell’s Angels, as you can probably imagine, had little use for the hippies throughout the venue and, when shit went down… shit REALLY went down. One concert goer ended up beaten and stabbed to death at the hands of “security.â€
The lesson learned from all this: DON’T HIRE FUCKING CRIMINALS TO BE A SECURITY FORCE!!!
Such Role Models
Foxy Brown was arrested in Jamaica for refusing to allow an airport security official to search her bag, and then punched a police officer in the gut. Not that Rock Stars should be considered Role Models in any sense of the imagination, but come on. In this day and age, you’re going to raise a ruckus in an AIRPORT?
Foxy was released on $400 bail and then skipped the country (that being Jamaica) and returned to the states. She then missed a hearing about the incident. Jamaican authorities have issued a warrant for her arrest.
Now, I know we don’t exactly have a really solid business relationship with Jamaica… but an extradition here isn’t beyond the realm of reality… because I’m SURE the United States would expect an extradition if a criminal fled the US to Jamaica.
KISS
They’re unretired.
Again.
Is this even news anymore?
Drrty
Christina Aguilera does her damdest to further her Gutterslut image in this month’s Maxim. Not that I have any problem with women selling their bodies for my amusement, don’t get me wrong… but the Christina thing is just silly. She goes from this cutesy, girl next door to a freakin gutter slut “who won’t date white guys.â€
Fuckin please. All she talks about all the sudden is lingerie, piercings, being naked, and how much she loves sex. And now, she’s decked out in Maxin wearing pretty much nothing but hair.
Folks, for future reference, and this will help you out in the long run. When ANYONE in the music industry tries to move forward with an image, someone is telling them to. Avril Levine is not a skater-chick, Rob Zombie is not really dead, and Marilyn Manson is not as big a freak as he is in front of the camera. It’s something us college folk like to call marketing. “Girl Power†from Christina and Brittney are just there to sell records. That’s it.
Who, exactly, they are trying to appeal to with Gutterslut Christina? Rebellious teens who want their parents to know that, dammit, they have their own minds. They can get tattoos and body piercings and be empowered! And galldangit Martha, if we want to raise a generation of Guttersluts, well, the boys of the current generation will certainly be happy!
So, for all my boys out there… keep it up Music Folks. Get the boys laid nice and early. It’ll probably keep crime down.
Or, all this could just be a big smokescreen and I want to diss Christina so she’ll put me in a headlock. The question is: how long could I keep dissing her to stay in said headlock.
Out Today
Either Ashish is slipping on the new release list, or just nothing is coming out tomorrow. New Year’s Eve? Either is possible.
According to MTV.com:
Deliver Us From Eva Soundtrack. Never even heard of the movie. JC from Nsync Is probably in it… which is the only reason why mtv cares.
According to us:
Bathory: Destroyer of Worlds. I have absolutely no idea. Look it up on Kazaa.
Motley Crue: Wild Motley Box. The band named for Meisterbrau. If they were named for Lowenbrau, they’d have been much, much better.
In Other Reading
Evocator, as always, keeps the content coming with fresh (meaning new, not dope, you rapscallions) reviews of Meshuggah and Flogging Molly. I’m not going to pretend I know either band/group, as I am not Leno or Letterman, but Evocator says the Mollys are kind of like the Dropkick Murphys, which means they’re at least worth a listen if you like the Irish Punk thing.
Matt Jones is one angry metal fan. He does reviews of The Queen of the Damned Soundtrack and Def Leppard X. While I can’t really agree with his opinion on anything, other than John Davis being a good songwriter, he’s a metal fan, so he can’t be all bad… although the unnatural hatred for Linkin Park confuses me.
Matthew Michaels realizes why the Dave Matthews Band is on my personal hate list… because most of his fans equate him with some sort of Rock Icon because he incorporates a fiddle and a sax into his routine. I do give him props, however, for being an amazing guitarist as he does things that make me just scratch my head and say “goddam.†I’d give you a summary of the rest of the column, but it doesn’t really have one.
Peep Cody Webster for the news you don’t get here. There’s your link, sunshine. I’d give it to you if you just asked nicely, too. You’re going to talk about ME recycling material when you do an f’n weekly caption contest? Didn’t you slam me a while back for not having an ORIGINAL idea? I bow before the mighty brainstorm king.
Iago gave his take on the top ten songs of the year. In a strange typo, Work It by Missy Elliot made it into the top ten. In an even stranger typo, Nas got the top spot over Lose Yourself and All My Life.
As I need to submit this thing before the latest upstate NY ice storm takes out our power, I’ll end it here. Make sure to check out the cycle of news (and newslike) people for the rest of the week and check back here next Tuesday for a whole new batch of recycled material and another dig on Cody Webster because, well, that’s why you tune in.
Till Then.
