A retarded chimpanzee can drink a case of beer and still perform most management functions – Scott Adams, The Way Of The Weasel
In Memoriam: Arby’s French Dip Sandwich. One of my favorite fast food snacks, cut down in its prime by corporate stupidity. In honor of this ignoble death, let me present the following public service announcement:
HOW TO MAKE A REASONABLE FACSIMILE OF ARBY’S PEPPER BACON
1) Purchase a slab of Armour, Swift, or Eckrich slab bacon (it has to be one of those brands, and it has to be a slab; pre-sliced bacon WILL NOT WORK!).
2) Wet down slab. Make sure you wet down the whole slab.
3) Coat wet slab with a mixture of 90% coarse pepper, 10% sugar. Make certain to THOROUGHLY coat the entire slab except the ends.
4) Carefully place slab on cookie sheet. If you’re not careful, you’re going to get pepper everywhere.
5) Bake in oven at very, VERY low temperature (no more than 150 degrees Fahrenheit) for five hours, turning slab over at the halfway point (again, be careful not to get pepper all over your oven).
6) Carefully remove slab from cookie sheet and place in plastic wrap. Be sure to cover the slab fully, including the ends.
7) Put wrapped slab in freezer for one day.
8) Remove from freezer, slice, and prepare the normal way you cook your bacon.
You really did it this time, Arby’s. You pissed off a guy WHO FUCKING HELPED COME UP WITH YOUR CURRENT GODDAMN PEPPER BACON FORMULA!
TIME FOR THE FIRST PIMPS OF 2003
Livingston does TSm proud, even with an End Of Year Awards column.
I forgot to pimp Nason yesterday. Whip me, beat me, make me write bad checks.
MEAS CULPA
As I posted that list of fans last week, I knew, just KNEW, that I was forgetting someone. Well, I did, and that guy is Derrill Guilbert, who happened to be the winner of the Get Eric To Watch Raw Instead Of The Bears Game Contest back in October. Damn, Derrill, I’m sorry, because you definitely should have been on that list.
Also, I realized that I was a bit negligent yesterday during the closing paragraph when I said “Wear a condom”. I inadvertantly alienated two large portions of our audience here at 411: women and gay bottoms. So, let me rephrase this one after the fact: “wear a condom, or insist that your partner wear one”. I hope that I haven’t caused any offense or future inconvenience to those people.
TIME FOR CELEBRATION
Kim Philby would have been 91 years old today had he not inconveniently died in 1988. Kim was, undeniably, one of the towering figures of the 20th Century, the embodiment of the best of virtues: tenacity, competence, stick-to-itiveness, determination, intelligence (in more ways than one), and the ability to work two jobs at the same time. He’s one of my true personal heroes, and words can barely express the key lesson that he taught me: do what you want, but make sure to be able to get away with it. It’s a lesson I apply twice a week to this column. Happy birthday, Kim, and I raise two glasses to you: one full of Beefeaters and the other full of Stoli.
TIME FOR NOT-SO-CELEBRATION
Headline: Shawn Stasiak Claims To Be Returning To WWE
That sound you hear is smarks everywhere going screaming into the night. Look, if he is coming back, and for more than RR, you’ve got to stick him with a chick. The only time he gets over is if he’s with a la belle femme (witness the Meat days and his time with My Beautiful and Beloved). No, he did not get over with Planet Stasiak. That routine was more annoying than “What?”, which was pretty tough to accomplish.
There’s one problem. There are very few divas left that he hasn’t worked with and who are otherwise unoccupied. He’s already gone through My Beautiful and Beloved, Jackie, and Terri. Ivory may be a good choice if you want to put him in the Mick Foley role of “Tweener With Heel Manager” (and you can come up with a number of rationales on why they’d get together). Here’s an interesting thought: how about Dawn Marie? If you want to go to the next level with her, let the wedding to Al Wilson take place and keep the angle going. Then, bring in Stasiak by Dawn Marie telling Al that, sometimes, he’s a little too old to “provide for certain needs”, and that she needs a little on the side. Al, being the phenomenally stupid old goat that he is, accepts the menage like he’s accepted all the rest of the crap that’s been presented in this angle so far. Stasiak also provides a way for Torrie to gracefully bow out of this angle (I may not like Wilson, but not even she deserves this). Of course, now that I’ve said it, it’ll never happen.
TIME FOR CELEBRATION FOR SOME PEOPLE
I decided to make some observations about the Queen’s New Years’ Honours List again, like I did last year. Of course, I decided, yet again, to concentrate on names that Americans know. It isn’t like last year, when I could make fun of the BeeGees and Sade. The ones in the entertainment field are actually deserving and serious this year. So let’s go through some of them:
Sir Ridley Scott: It’s sort of a make-up for the fact that the guy can’t win an Oscar to save his life (even got screwed with Gladiator). Probably the best director since Hitchcock to be ignored by the Academy, but becoming a member of the Knights Bachelor is a worthy tribute to the great job he’s done on hit films of the past quarter century.
Sir Alan Bates: Became immortal by wrestling in the nude with the late Oliver Reed in Women In Love. Of course, if you’re watching that film to see two doughy alcoholics show off their tackle, you’re really, really sick. Did a great job in Sum Of All Fears, though.
Jean Simmons, OBE: You’ve got to remember how anti-British Hollywood was in the late forties and early fifties. Jean Simmons, though, charmed everyone enough to make moguls ignore that prejudice. Great actress in challenging roles.
Brenda Blethyn, OBE: Great in Secrets and Lies and Little Voice, highly deserving of the honor.
I’m just pissed off because I can’t find the full f*cking list right now. Not even Google helped (and the official Royal Family and PM’s websites helped either). However, it’s enough material.
TIME FOR CELEBRATION FOR EVERY READER OF THIS COLUMN
January 1st not only marks the beginning of the New Year for everyone following the Gregorian calendar, but it also marks a milestone in the history of this column. This day celebrates the first anniversary of You’re A Moron. Thus, I feel the need to do a Best Of along with everyone else, albeit in my own twisted way.
Coty “Kotex” Long set the gold standard for YAM back in late June. However, he wasn’t the winner. However the second, his stuff is too good not to flash back to. Let’s go to June 19th, and Kotex’s first appearance:
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Coty Long gets a little vituperative:
You stupid shit,
Good start. That makes you an automatic qualifier.
Do you think any of us wrestling fans come to this site to read about your life? FUCK NO!
Actually, f*ck yes. I’ve found through my mails that people actually enjoy reading about my life, and my mail’s gone more than ten to one in favor of continuing to do so. So I will continue to do so because, hey, it’s what my readership wants.
I couldn’t give a f*ck-less whether you had a happy father’s day, or what the f*ck you bought at your daddy’s favorite flea market, all i want to know is what’s going on in wrestling.
Then you’re reading the wrong column, oogums.
That’s the only reason I come to this f*cking site, not for your f*cking A&E Biography (maybe you should give them a call, there in need of something to put on television while everyone is asleep).
There are other sources for wrestling news, you do realize, and there are other columnists at this site who will provide you with such. May I recommend that you come here on Mondays to check out Daniels’ recap of the previous week? It’s always a great read.
And who gives a flying f*ck about Scooby-Doo? You should be ashamed of yourself, people count on this site for wrestling news, gossip, and all that good stuff.
You’ve got a lot of nerve telling everyone what they want to read, don’t you? How do you know that? And, as everyone who reads me can tell you, I have no shame.
>>But since when did it become a forum for abstract-thought?<<
Every column here is abstract thought of some form or another, even the recaps. You want news without thought, go over to the Torch. They haven’t exhibited any evidence of conscious thought in years.
>>I know the 1st amendment and all gives you power to say what you want on the site,<<
I don’t hide behind the First Amendment. I have a simpler explanation: it’s my column, so I write what I want in it.
>>but when people coem for one and ONLY one reason,<<
Again, how do you know that? I think that a lot more people come to 411 to be entertained while also being informed about what’s going on in wrestling. The old Samuda-style news-bite presentation died a long time ago, honey. I should know; I helped kill it.
>>you should respect that.<<
As my longtime readers start laughing their ass off, since they know that I don’t respect anyone, including the dead.
>>Ok, that ends my rant. And in conclusion, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU DOWN & DIRTY IN YOUR LOOSE ASSHOLE!!!!<<
Gee, and most people think I’m a tight-ass.
Yet another one who doesn’t get it. Just shake the ol’ head and get on with life, I guess…
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But Kotex wouldn’t let me go on with life. This was originally scheduled for the June 26th column, but that’s the day I did my popular Piracy 101 thing. So it got pushed back to July 2nd:
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Coty Long, winner of the last You’re a Moron, didn’t take too kindly to being the winner, and actually was brave enough to write me back:
Pretty good here, so you decided to post my email in your column, how sweet, I’m flattered. How come you couldn’t just email me back? And if you try to pull some clever shit and say ‘if you’ve got a problem with me, why continue to read my column?’, just to let you know I never plan on reading that f*cking trash ever again, a friend had to tell me of your cute little antics. I have no problem with you or your column, i was just stating my opinions, but when you try to take a lowblow such as posting the email in an attemp to make me out as an idiot, that’s f*cking pityful, hey, but at least i can proudly say i was blasted on 411wrestling.com by Eric Swhatchamacallit.
1) I don’t e-mail trolls back. I expose them for what they are in You’re A Moron, which has been an integral part of this column for six months now. Too bad you just came around to reading the True Light Of Internet Wrestling Columns, because you would have known that and not risked trolling me.
2) That’s some friend you have to tell you that I made you my bitch. With friends like that, who needs blah blah blah.
3) There’s a difference between stating a contrary opinion and being a rude little f*ck. You were the latter. If you’d stated it in a nice way, you wouldn’t have qualified for YAM.
Well, Poor Widdle Kotex didn’t hear back from me, so he followed up:
You dirty little shit,
How come you never write me back, afraid of what I have to say? You hide behind you’re silly little column and try to make people who have a problem with you out as dimwits. If you’d like to settle this like a real man with ‘testicular fortitude’, message me on msn (cotylong@hotmail.com) or icq (UIN 27070457) and don’t be such a little cowardly bitch about things. Oh yeah, how was Scooby-Doo, did you get a kick out of the cgi Scooby, or the trendy generation-TRL type dialouge which is ever-so present in the trailers. Guess you were at least that bright to download it rather to run to the cinema and pay money to watch it, but that might be because you have some type of social disorder. So are you going to confront me man-to-man, or shall I have to proceed to track you down and go Ed Gein on your ass?
1) I don’t write you back because it’s a waste of my time. I’d prefer to publicly humiliate you.
2) I don’t need to make people who have a problem with me look like dimwits. Many of them, like yourself, are dimwits. I’m just making it publicly known, along with your ICQ and Hotmail accounts (oh, how brave of you to use a Hotmail account).
3) Scooby-Doo was in the so-bad-it’s-good category. Loved Rowan Atkinson’s performance.
4) Ed Gein was a serial killer, so unless you don’t intend to stop with me, Kotex, the statement’s not valid. Besides, I’m better with knives than you are.
5) I’m in the book, oogums, and I’m not that hard to find.
——————————
Kotex triggered some pretty good e-mail from the audience too:
——————————
You’re a Moron is a very entertaining look at some of the whackos out there who only care about the latest news and will complain to anyone not supplying it to ’em despite the recent headlines being all over the damned ‘net, to the point where you’d have to be either very blind or very stupid to start sifting through commentary articles when the newsboard is just a few clicks south of your link. This is wrestling, guys. These days, it’s not really very interesting anyway. Why do you think Raw keeps pulling 3.x ratings?
Wow, that moron certainly was of the grade-A quality, as moron’s go anyway. I’m pretty sure you made it quite clear that within your two weekly columns, one would be about wrestling, and the other about politics, life in general and whatever else floats your boat when writing it. I guess I was wrong about finding that stuff interesting to read as well as
your wrestling insights. Luckily that Coty guy cleared everything up. Eh, I know you don’t really give a shit whether or not I approve of what you do with your column, but that guy was just too sad.
That one guy in you column says wrestling is the only reason he comes to 411? Well, YOU’RE the only reason I come to 411. Keep up the good work.
So, I’m a little bit disturbed by young Coty. Since when did a bunch of run-on sentences and more expetives than a Tarantino film qualify as a “rant?” Generally, rants include some cohesive thought and at least a 95% matery of syntax, punctuation and grammar (hey, I’ll forgive one typo – two and you’re dad, but one I’ll let slide). Either he’s 13, which excuses the grammar and syntax faux pas since you don’t diagram sentences until 9th grade, OR he’s full of vitriol over the fact that his parents gave him the first name of a company that specializes in the manufacture of feminine hygeine products. (this one was a great riposte courtesy of Big Daddy Kurt Dieckmann)
So, it’s the opinion of not just me, but a number of people, that you’re a complete waste of sperm, Kotex. I’m sure that your “friends” are going to tell you about this too (admit it, bitch, you read me). So go for it, honey. Next step’s yours.
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But literally right on the heels of Kotex, the standard was raised from gold to platinum. Literally on his heels, like the very next day. Let’s go back to July 3rd, as Jason Gallo, winner of the first annual Moron Of The Year, made his presence known:
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It’s Three For Three time. Jason Gallo, who I think is a past winner here, mailed off three separate asinine letters in the space of a week. Let’s do them in chronological order:
You idiot! I am sick and tired of you bashing the most underrated wrestler in the world today, X-pac. He is one of the top three most talented wrestlers on the roster. He should be maineventing every Raw. He deserves a run as the WWE Undisputed champ.You moron! And I am sick of your lame ass non related wrestling rants. Stop It! I read your column for wrestling news. Not bullshit about your pathetic life. Or Wimble suck, or the World crap er cup. You little backwoods, redneck, trailer park trash, kissing your cousin, good ole boy. Write about wrestling only, or get the F out.
Okay, now that you’ve stopped rolling on the floor about the X-Pac line, we can go on to Number Two:
You stupid shit! Who wants to read about cd burning in a wrestling column. Sounds like your burning something alright. But it is not just cd’s. You ignorant poor excuse of a columnist. Write about wrestling. Not about you not getting laid, or your boring ass job. Spare us all of the misery please. Write about wrestling. or start thinking about a new career jerkie.
Okay, we’ve moved from WWE’s tagline to Jericho’s. How creative. He gets even more creative with Number Three:
You f*cken moron. You little weasel. I bet you feel safe hidding in some dark room. Curled up in a corner with your pc writing ignorant things about people you know will never find you. Your column is beyond terrible. Writing about shit no one gives a f*ck about. I bet you are some lonley ugly kid no one likes. Who feels that his only way to get back at the world for his short comings is to lash out at innocent people. You goddam piece of shit. What a f*cking joke you are. I bet your balls haven’t even dropped yet. Well I am calling you out motherf*cker. Tonight in Boston,Ma I will be attending Smackdown. I have near front row seats. I am gonna hold up a big f*ckin sign saying something like ERic Sckulewitz of 411 wrestling is an ugly f*ckin cockless homo. If you have any balls (which we both know you don’t) you will respond . You f*ckin no good, cocksucking, motherf*cking, no ball bitch. Have a nice day.
Hmmm, if this wasn’t written before yesterday’s column was up, I’d say he was influenced by Kotex Long. There’s the same whiny threat of “why don’t you respond”, the same sexual innuendo, the same “people don’t deserve this” crap, etc. Thus proving that weak minds think alike. You know, he can’t be more than fourteen years old. If this is our nation’s future, why do you think I’m so cynical about everything?
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Perhaps Jason was influenced by Kotex Long at first, but then he went one step beyond the very next week on July 10th:
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Well, here’s another one who can’t take a hint. You remember him from last week, the guy who threatened to show an anti-Eric sign at SD last week? Well, he wrote me three times in the space of five hours. Here they are in chronological order:
Hey you goddam piece of shit. I was there last night. I was at Smack down just like I said I would be. And I had my sign too. But unfortunately it was confiscated due to it’s profanity. But that didn’t stop me from spreading the word around about you. You better watch your f’en back. Because I am rallying people together to boycott your column. That’s write
I will get a petition started to have you thrown off 411 wrestling. I have convinced at least 10 people to send emails to Widro to demand that you step down immediately. You lousy no good son of a bitch. You cowardly bastard! I know you are reading this. Probably hiding away in some dark corner. Curled up in a ball. Well you better be afraid because I am coming
after you. Your days on the Internet are numbered cock mouth. I will not rest until you are brought down, and kicked off the net forever. That day will come, and it will come sooner than you think…
Suuuuuuure it was confiscated. And, please, get a petition together to get me thrown off 411. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of support. And those ten e-mails to Widro are a piss drop in the ocean of readers that I have. They will not be missed or even noticed.
Curled up in a ball in a dark corner? No. Rolling around the floor laughing my ass off while I read this again? Oh, yeah.
Second verse, same as the first:
You are one sick mother f*cker. Posting my columns on your site is that the best you can do? You f*cken coward!
First of all, that wasn’t a column. That was an e-mail. What I write is a column. Second, the law says that e-mail, like snail mail, is the property of the recipient to do with as he pleases. And it pleases me to put them in my column to make you look like the total waste of oxygen you are.
Third verse, different than the first:
It seems to me that you are nothing but a pussy. You can write insults in your columns trying to make people look bad. But let tell you something if I ever find out who you are or where you live me and my boys are gonna come looking for you. And I promise you won’t even hear the hammer click. And that goes for John King too. If you want to talk shit fine. Just be man enough to step up to the motherf*cken plate when someone calls you out. You and your little bitch boy John King. Keep writing shit punk. You never know when the next column might be your last.
First of all, John King is an NRA member, and he’s better armed than the Taliban. He has no compunction about blowing you away. Second of all, I’m in the book, oogums. Just go through the suburban Chicago directories until you find me. Third, who says I’m not armed and trained to use a weapon? Four years in the Army and my friend Mister Magnum make a strong claim for one side. In other words, it’s your move, Whiner. Or are you going to coward it out like your compatriot Kotex?
It does seem that you have an actual friend, though. His name is Gary Hafferty, and is your typical AOLuser in addition to being your clone:
You f*cken spinless bastard! You f*cken cowardly prick. I am a 2nd degree blackbelt. And I am challenging you to a fight. I will pay for your plane ticket to come here. All you have to do is show up. I am sick of your f*cken shit that you write about in your worthless column. And I know who your mother is. She is that german shepard that keeps crapping on your lawn. That’s write, you were born from wombofak-9. There your search for the truth is over. You motherless f*ck! Come on out of the hole that you have been hiding in for the last ten years. You ignorant bastard. Slimey piece of shit. You cockless fein. You have no balls. You talk shit about people that you know will never meet you. Oh you are so brave. I am joining my friend jason g on his quest to have you thrown of the net for good. Watch your back jack. Because we are coming for your ass.
Send the ticket. And please note that a bullet from a .357 Magnum is faster than the reflexes of an alleged second-degree black belt. And what discipline are you a second-degree black belt in? Tae Yank Pud?
Just for the record: the contraction of “f*cking” is “f*ckin'”, not “f*cken”. Can’t even use obscenities correctly, sheesh.
———————————-
You’d think that after those bitch-slappings, he would have got the hint. Wrong. Here’s another flashback to July 16th:
———————————-
Yep, it’s Jason Gallo again! That man provides so much wonderful material for this column that I should give him a cut of what the Bosses are paying me here, except that I don’t want to waste a stamp on sending him a check for $0.00. Let’s look at what he has to say this time:
Alright this is the last email I will write you.
The sound from champagne corks popping all over the IWC is deafening.
So listen up. I live in Connuecit
I’m having a hard time finding that in my Rand-McNally Road Atlas, for some reason.
and I am currently enrolled in the police academy.
Presumably one of your classmates is Steve Guttenberg.
If you do not believe me look it up.
Hmmm, Google can’t find any police academies in Connuecit, for some reason.
I own a shotgun and a 45 caliber handgun.
Hopefully licensed, like my .357 Magnum is, or else you’re in big trouble, buster.
But you see pretty soon I will have the law on my side.
I can imagine that conversation from a judge: “Well, Mister Gallo, it’s pretty clear that you committed murder in the first degree, but you’re a cop, so we’ll let you off.”
You make threats you can’t back up.
What threats? “Come after me and I’ll defend myself with the weapons skills I picked up in the Army”? What do you expect me to say, oogums? “Come after me and I’ll lay down and cry like a bitch”?
I can shoot you in the face at point blank range and just say it was justifiable homicide. Case closed.
Let’s parse this out, shall we? I know for a fact that I won’t come after you, since it’s a complete waste of money, effort, and time. That means you’ll come after me and shoot me in the face at point-blank range. Sounds to me like premeditation, which means murder in the first degree. You are sooooo lucky Illinois has a moratorium on the death penalty. However, you’ll still be spending life plus in a federal pen, and my faceless spirit will be laughing every time your cellmate gets a little frisky.
If you feel froggy, jump.
If I was feeling Froggy, the Our Gang Combined Court System could put me away for child molestation.
The ball is in your court know.
A lot of people are complaining I haven’t gone after you on the spelling errors, but I think that’s just a cheap shot, and I’d prefer to go after you on context. However, this error was too good not to isolate.
Just remember I have alot more friends in my gang then you do.
Bets?
———————————–
I must admit that Jason Gallo received the greatest amount of mail ever, and here’s the ones I published in the aforementioned July 16th column:
———————————–
Care to check out this selection of mail I received about you?:
…I read your comment’s in the “Your a Moron: The Whines of Jason Gallo.” I noticed a few things. 1) you were too nice in your comments. I was hoping that you would “trash” him more… – Clint Brower
…I would be worried if I were you, because the two fantasyland Jackie Chans seem to be rounding up a posse (and boy could I make a pun about that word) and dropping defiant statements about hammer clicks and other things they heard while playing CounterStrike…I for one am greatly anticipating the next episode in my favorite internet show, “When Schoolkids Use Hotmail.” – Parhum Toofanian
Anyone who sends blithering hate e-mail that frequently obviously:
1. Has no life
2. Badly wants attention
Two words for those two guys: SPELL CHECK. – Jobez Ferguson
(and memo to Mister Ferguson: being from the South Side, I am genetically incapable of becoming a Cubs fans.)
It seems to me that so people just don’t understand the way the constitution works. After all, we are all (supposedly) given the right to free speech. Hence you write for 411 and they write back with their complaints. But it seems to me that if one is not really ready to intelligently argue a case and has nothing better to do than throw out obscenities, answering them back in anything other than an unreasonable fashion is ridicules at best. I mean, if they don’t like your column that much, why do they continue to read it, just to continue whining about it? They work for the Torch or something? – Madman Ike
The fact that this moron is even alive befuddles me…number 1, no self-respecting alleged 2nd degree black belt would challenge someone to a fight…why? BECAUSE THAT IS THE FIRST RULE THEY TEACH YOU…DON’T USE IT UNLESS YOU NEED TO DEFEND YOURSELF…AND DO NOT DISHONOR YOURSELF OR YOUR TEACHING! The fact that he even said that proves that he is a complete fool. And number 2…LEARN HOW TO SPELL AND USE GRAMMAR CORRECTLY! Maybe then Mr. Szulczewski will accept your comments as at least worthy of the energy he uses to read it.
I’d like to see Mr. Szulczewski beat the snot out of you, so please, send him a ticket and then he can send me the video of him whoopin’ all up on your ass. – Ed Antoine
You know, I always find it hilarious when people call you a goddamn piece of shit and such. Can’t these guys understand it’s just an internet wrestling column? If they wanted to, they could find some crappy wrestling site and apply to do a column there, then gripe about how Kevin Nash killed WCW for the 25th time, and how they’d have done things differently. – Lucas Swanger
I can think of an excellent profession for Jason Gallo: WWE Scriptwriter. He seems like just the person to work with Gerwitz. – AnubisTB
It just never ceases to amaze me that people can try to act so big and tough yet sound so stupid at the same time, i.e Jason, Kotex, and Gary Hafferty, who I would say are three prominent member of YAM. Unlike people who complain and say they go to 411 for wrestling and not your other topics in columns, I go to 411 for your columns and wrestling content. If there is something in one of your columns I don’t want to read about, such as World cup soccer or golf, I’ll just scroll past it, and go to the next item. What I won’t do is send your profanity-laced verbal insults because I don’t like the topic. And to those people who are so infuriated by you and your column, they should learn not to click on the link then. Read another column, go to another website, GO OUTSIDE AND GET A LIFE! Maybe some remedial education as well. – Ryan Eckhart
I just wanted to point out how scary it is that people get so pissed off at you when you tell us your opinions in YOUR column. I mean holy crap, it’s a wresting column, sort of, either read it or don’t read it. – Chris Brown
Thank God you finally mentioned that whole “f*cken” thing! it was really starting to get to me. If you’re going to take the time to send someone a vicious email you should at least know how to spell FUCKING. Sheesh. – Lethrdonut1
I get a kick out of reading your views on wrestling (even though it has been horrible as of late) and the pure stupidity of some people. Continue to rag on them as much as possible. People this ignorant deserve to be insulted. – Peter Puente
…what are these rednecks thinking? They keep talking about kicking your ass or whatever. It all sounds a little pathetic to me. If you don’t like something you should stop reading it, not send moronic emails about how you are going to get your boys to help you kick someones ass (I wouldn’t write that in a million years). Number 1 it makes you sound as unintelligent as a rock….Number 2 it makes you sound like a total wuss having to get your friends to do the job for you…So to all those genetically predisposed for stupidity I have one recommendation……GET A LIFE AND AN EDUCATION!! Take this column for what it is…..ENTERTAINMENT!! If you don’t like it….don’t read it. – Chad Boone, an intelligent Canadian
…What the hell is his major malfunction? Is he just a 13-year old with a HUGE inferiority complex? And doesn’t he realize that if he DID want to try anything against you….telling you in an EMAIL might not be the smartest thing…evidence, and all…Plus, he “and his boys” are coming for you…Spineless f*cking (f*cken – HA) tubeworm… – LaSpeq, an intelligent AOLuser
What kind of a pathetic loser a) would take the time to email an internet wrestling columnist and threaten him with physical harm, b) start a petition to have the aforementioned columnist sacked, c) not have learned the difference between “write” and “right,” and their proper usage in the English language? – Jack Callous
I would like to say to Jason, or Gary, or whoever they really are – do they think they look tough by threatening people? How do they know that Eric isn’t twice the size of them, has guns in the house, or is a black belt himself? Only a person with a very low IQ would say things like “I’ll pay for the plane ticket for you to come down here.” Yeah, that’s what most people would do, take time from their busy lives, take off of work, to come down and fight a reader who is pissed off because his stupidity has been posted for everyone to see. Either stop reading, or stop writing stupid things to the website! – MDS11880
If these people hate you and your column so much, why do they keep reading? – Scott Korner
Oh, such a good question, Scott. However, the last word should belong to my fascist bud John King…
Boy they’re cute when they are young huh? Then they grow up and turn into Jason Gallo..you know in my old days a remark like that would set me off in a well-timed homicidal rage..but I’ve mellowed in my golden years of the 30’s..I actually feel sorry for young Mr. Gallo you know..It’s oblivious that he is lashing out for any scrap of attention to compensate for being denied the warm, nurturing teat of his mother, who probably is tired of breast-feeding a middle-aged man anymore.
So our Mr. Gallo must sit at his typewriter, furiously typing anything that randomly pops into his head as he seems to have both the attention span, and vocabulary, of a nine-year old autistic child. So instead of anger and rage, we must take pity on Master Gallo as he vainly searches for someone who actually will listen to him without asking for his credit card number and charging him $2.99 for the first minute, and $1.99 a minute afterwards.
As for the 10 whole people, most of whom exist to make sure my Value Meal is suppressed and my new Monte Carlo gets that all-important second coat of wax, I’m sure that Maximum Procouncel Gallo was able to rally them to his cause. Of course the way he did that probably consisted of two phrases; “Reacharound” and “Happy Ending”. But rally them he shall. I’m sure Ashish has the Magic 8-Ball out deciding your fate with a “Best of 99”
But I am very disappointed that Mr. Gallo has decided that you and I am so joined at the hip that we think alike and have no original thoughts. From the tone and veracity it seems that young lad Gallo does not play well with others, probably as a result of going through school with a Partridge Family lunchbox, sweaty palms and vivid memories of being stripped naked in gym class as 30 others crowded around to make fun of his genitals.
As for being a bitch boy, that seems to be a contradiction in terms, as “bitch” is a female term, usually associated with a canine. Of course “boy” is self-explanatory, except in terms of being an insult to both Hispanics (Chico and the Man = Boy and the Man) and blacks. So scholar Gallo needs to make sure he has some agreement in his terms, to avoid any confusion in the future.
One last note for the legendary Jason Gallo. Back in the day I would have jammed my fist down your throat, slapped your kidneys around a bit, and then played handball with your liver. But since I came back from the Far East last year (that’s Japan and China, the country not the plate) I have discovered meditation and yoga, which mixes well with four nights of powerlifting. So before you pull my punk card and dare me to step up and back my words, remember the words of a famous philosopher Nietzche “When you stare into the abyss, sometimes the abyss stares back at you.” I’m sure you will get to that after you finish your latest run of Richie Rich comic books.
As for stepping up to the plate. I will not only step up to the plate with a dickless wonder like you. I will rip the f*cking plate out of the ground, beat your white-trash ass to a pulp with said plate, and then make you hold it, along with my wallet and keys, while I sodomize your wife-mother-girlfriend-aunt-niece-cousin (or whatever combination of those make up the spitoon I will use them for). So be careful what you wish for chunky-trunks, or you might just get a foot coming your way. Have a nice day Jason.
So there it is, Jason. You’re regarded as a complete and utter asshole by a multitude of people. Please, break your promise and write again. It’s fun humiliating you.
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Tragically, Jason did not break his promise and never wrote me again. In fact, someone actually provided me with Jason’s address and phone number, and the fact that his father is a cop. I absolutely love my fans. And, for the record, I’m still alive and still doing columns.
Hope that I was able to provide you a bit of a laugh to go along with your hangovers. I’ll be back next week. Until then, enjoy 2003.
About Eric Szulczewski
