A Wrestling News Report 01.02.02

Nothing is better then getting to write a column on January 1st. Head pounding, wincing with each click of the keyboard as it echoes through my head as though it were thunder rolling over a hung over valley. But I do it for you, my loyal and beloved readers. You guys still like me, right? I didn’t puke in your toilet and cock block you last night, did I? I honestly don’t remember.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Sean Stasiak said he’ll be returning to the WWE sometime in January, and he has the secret tape of his meeting with Jim Ross to prove it.

Goldberg is getting closer to signing with the WWE. Goldberg is said to be visibly excited about going to the top company for a top spot in an industry he could give two craps about.

Scotty 2 Hotty is getting ready to return to the ring in June or May. I say the sooner, the better. We need a hero right now to defeat HHH and take his belt, and Scotty is that hero IN BIZARRO WORLD! Actually, he’s just an upper-mid-carder in Bizarro World.

This week on a live Smackdown, Old Guy and Lesbian Rapist get married while his daughter watches helplessly! Will the crowd chant “WHAT” throughout the ceremony? Will Torrie make out with Dawn on live television? And what does Stephanie McMahon have to do with all this? Probably something important.

I’m bored. Let’s make up news and see if I can get an e-mail from someone asking if this really happened.

Ric Flair and Mick Foley finally put their differences aside after being trapped in a cabin on a mountain for 3 weeks. They discovered they had a lot in common during the periods when they weren’t trying to kill and eat one another.

Batista is developing a backstage reputation for being that guy who always eats the last slice of pizza, even if he didn’t throw in as much money as everyone else. Way to eat the pizza, asshole!

The Rock is reportedly stoned at the moment. More on this story as it develops.

Who likes short shorts? Rhino.

After winning the WWE Wrestler of the Year Award, Katie Vick remained dead.

Bret Hart spent the New Year’s Eve yelling at God, asking God what else God could take away from him? Then Bret Hart began to weep when God didn’t answer.

If you see Marty Janetty, do not approach him or make eye contact with him. In fact, just start running.

I am so bored.

Junk News! Huzzah!

PLUGS.

Sylvian Parent has a new article. Captain Brown is back with another video review, and Mr. John B. Haley wrote something so interesting you’ll crap your pants.

Flea did the IWC 100 on Monday, and being that the only people to give a crap were those on the list and I was on the list, let’s analyze it!

FLEA GETS DRUNK AND FUCKS UP HIS LIST!

First of all, I was number 63. That kind of is insulting and slightly hurts, so let me pull up my old safety net for when I need an ego boost.

“Finally… this week’s 411’s Showcase Commentary 08.06.01 (HAPPY, WIDRO??? THERE’S YOUR DATE!!!) is… well…

I cannot stress this enough…. the Showcase column this week is DEFINITELY the finest piece of writing I have ever read on the web… INCLUDING anything I’ve ever done.
It’s another wrestling tale from Joshua Grut, it’s called Mr. Rodriguez Helped. I swear, it is phenomenal. You have never read anything like it. You WILL be blown away. I was.

This marks the first time I’ve chosen two columns in a row from the same guy… it will be the last, because Widro picked him up as a 411 writer. He’s on the team now… and EVERYBODY, ESPECIALLY yours truly has to work extra hard. The standard of quality has just gone up a notch here at 411…. and I couldn’t be happier. WE F-ING ROCK!!!!!!”
– Chris Hyatte, The Midnight News, August 6th 2001.

Flea’s #1 called what I wrote the finest piece of writing he had ever read on the web. Most of my early stuff was either as good as or better then Mr. Rodriguez Helped. Live The Gimmick. Pain. The Dream. Especially Useful. Just based on Useful, I should have been up there. When Hyatte left, I did my best to fill his incredibly huge shoes with a sometimes pretty funny news column. Hell, I tortured Lance Storm to the point that he had to acknowledge my existence!

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t belong in the top ten. I probably don’t belong in the top 20. But I brought something to this community that had not been there before. As your online friend, I was insulted by my placement on the list. I have the same slots as Eric S and Hyatte and yourself, and I expected them to be ranked higher then me. The amount of the distance was disappointing. Truth be known, I don’t know how we’ll ever be able to talk again. Well, maybe when I need money or the next time we’re both online.

On the plus side, look at all of the people I beat! Jason Powell, Scotsman, Brian Alvarez at both 64 and 80, you all my bitches!

I might have been 62, but Michael Jenkinson (WHO DA FUCK?) wanted it more.

Okay, enough bitching. I had an absolutely amazing column last year. As deep as some people go in analyzing these wrestlers through nonfiction columns, I went deeper with fiction to understand the people. Together, we wrote one really, really good Excess recap. You wrote it well on your own, but until I got pissed that one day, we were a great team. So I’ve been an amazing column writer, a fair news reporter and your second banana and show recapper, and I’m 63. No way. I’m awesome! I truly am.

So here’s the link! http://www.411wrestling.com/columns/article.php?columns_id=1606 I want you to read what Flea has written, and then write to him. In fact, you can just copy and paste this to save you some time:

You have betrayed your friend and ignored his amazing talents. I pity you, not for your lack of trustworthiness or general smell, but because you are not recognizing one of the best writers on the Internet. How dare you make Brian Alvarez #80 or #64? You should be ashamed.
Yours Truly,
Brian Alvarez.

Come on, please 5 people do this. Don’t make me look like a total idiot with no fan base.

Finally, congrats to Hyatte on being Flea’s favorite writer. Before him, I read wrestling recaps if I didn’t see the show. He gave me a reason to read a recap regardless. If he had not introduced the idea that people could talk about something other then wrestling in a wrestling column, there would have been no tales or this. He was the only guy who showed up at the Star Trek convention wearing jeans and a leather jacket while everyone else was dressed up like Spock. Now there are so many guys dressed in leather jackets that you’re lucky if you see one Klingon, but Skieth proudly wears the intergalactic star official ship outfit thingy with pride (I should have picked something else for the analogy). I look forward to reading your stuff when you come back.

That’s it. May this be your year and mine. Happy and healthy.