A Wrestling News Report 01.09.03

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

As the New Year begins, less and less people are watching the WWE. Only one thing can cure this, and it is time that all wrestling fans united in bringing about this cure. I ask to be your leader, and I ask you to follow my lead and write the WWE demanding more of Al Wilson in his underwear, erect as the Empire State Building! WWE, you’ve finally done something right. Now follow through with it for God’s sake.

Jesse Ventura said he’d return to the WWE if Vince paid him a large sum of money. If Vince is stingy, Ventura plans to work with New Japan, mostly first blood matches with Tenzowa Machuniki.

On Bret Hart’s website there is a poll that asks people if they’d like to see Bret return to WWE television. Bret is currently using copyrighted WWE photos on his website. Well, I think we all know what that means! Bret Hart is going to be sued by the WWE!

NWA:TNA might be interested in hiring Mike Awesome, but only if Mike Awesome agrees to throw the ECW title into the garbage on the air. As you may know, Mike Awesome is currently the champion in the Eating Cantankerous Watermelons society.

Billy Gunn may have sucked in his last match, as a shoulder injury is keeping him from sucking in the ring. Billy may become a road agent and mentor young sucky wrestlers so that his lineage of suckage may continue.

Green Day’s Billie Joe was arrested for driving drunk. Come on, famous people! Leave your cars at the party and catch a ride with some other celebrity. You can buy another car tomorrow!

It’s actually pretty safe for Billie Joe to drive drunk as he hasn’t had a hit since 1998.

The Grammy Nominees are out, and both Eminem and Nelly have scored nominations for Record of the Year and Album of the Year. Both have said that they’re really, REALLY big fans of the other and wish that they both could win, but I think you could tell by the way that Eminem looked shyly at the ground after telling me that, he wants to win the award. When I told Nelly what I thought, he grabbed both my hands and made me swear on my tippy toes with sugar that I wouldn’t tell anyone, and then told me that he hoped HE would win. So even though I know I swore on tippy toes this was hot gossip, so I found Emmy and told him that Nelly had told me that Nelly wanted to win the award! Then Eminem looked sad and said that he wished there was some way they could both win so neither of them would be disappointed at the end of the night, and that’s when I got my idea! So I told Eminem to wait right there and went and found the Nellster. I told Nelly that I realized they had both been nominated for the two biggest awards of the night, and who said that there wasn’t a chance they would split them? Nelly told me he hoped he would win Record of the Year, and I told Emerald, and Em said he wanted to win Album of the Year, and I brought them together and they said they hoped they would split the award and then they hugged and then the guys from Murder Inc. came in and they had gifts for Eminem and Nelly! Socks! Murder Inc. brought Eminem and Nelly socks.

PK has gotten Wrestlemania tickets. PK, enjoy watching The Big Show and Albert team up to face Edge and Chris Benoit in the rain.

Big movie news this week for Lord of the Ring fans, as pictures from The Return of the King have been released. My favorite is the one of Gollum from the most famous scene from the book as he drives the magic golf cart right through Sauron’s evil eye, as the eye’s voice bubble reads, “No! Not my eye! That’s my best feature!” I also liked the one of Sam and Frodo pointing guns at each other’s head, the ring hovering in midair between them. I’m not so sure I’m cool with the idea of a nude Gandalf, but some small changes had to take place.

The WWE has cancelled a whole bunch of house shows. Although some say poor attendance is to blame, I blame HHH.

Oh, some Lance Storm fun. Here’s a quote from his December 10th commentary on his guest appearance on Tough Enough being cut. “I got cut from the show! My appearance lies on the cutting room floor of MTV. Apparently I wasn’t Tough Enough for Tough Enough. My hellish day of travel, my lost time from home was all for not.”

Now, here is a quote from his comment board when a reader asked Storm what he thought about wrestling news sites saying that Lance Storm was angry with Tough Enough . “There a bunc of sites stating this. I think it is more a case of them trying to stir a pot and make a story than them just being stupid. If the headline read “Lance Storm states he won’t be on Tough Enough after all” they likely wouldn’t do any hits. “Lance Storm ANGRY with Tough Enough” makes people click and talk about the site, which is why I deleted the name from your post.”

So right, Lance. How could we dare assume that you were pissed at the Tough Enough people? You know what’s worse then a person who tells lies all the time, Lance? A person who tells the truth and then calls those who believed him and repeated the truth liars. You should be ashamed of yourself. The people who read what I read and came to the same conclusion that I came to, that you were pissed, are the same people who give their readers free links to your site. They are the same people who pay to watch you, the same people who have been rooting for a big push for you for years now. You think the only thing we give a damn about are hits? Wrong. We care about what you have to say, what you think. We do this because you’re usually open and candid with us in a time when most of the WWE sees the internet as a cancer and is trying to completely cut us off from the company. When you, apparently sarcastically, stated that your hellish day of travel and lost time from home was for nothing, we took you seriously. Believe me Lance, no one thinks that “Lance Storm ANGRY with Tough Enough” will yield one extra hit more then the hits we already have.

Still, I can understand your point. We exaggerate so much! Look at some of the current news board items! “Wrestlemania Likely to be Quick Sellout.” “Bret Hart, Vince McMahon Meet Over Holidays.” “WWE RAW Rating.” My God, we must be desperate for hits with those attention grabbing, shocking headlines!
I didn’t have anything to do with the headlines, but I was personally pushing for, “Bret Hart, Vince McMahon Meet Over Holidays In Top Secret Location.” Now THAT would have generated some hits!

Lance, you knew what you were feeling when you typed that commentary. You know by now that news sites will report what you’ve said and set up a link to your column. I thought it was a brave thing to write, and then you took the coward’s way out rather than stand by your words. Fine. If you’re going to criticize us when we believe you, we just won’t take anything you say at face value anymore. Like that commentary you wrote where you claimed you were a bouncer. If it were to go on the news board, it will now be, “Lance Storm MAY Have Been A Bouncer According To Unconfirmed Commentary On His Site.” That’s what people do when they can’t trust someone, Lance.

But whatever. Nice or mean, you never answer anything I send to you. Screw it. You’ve lost a fan, Lance. But don’t worry, I’m sure wrestlers don’t want to have every fan they can get. So now that that I don’t care enough about you to refer to you by your first name, I’ll stop calling you Lance and just call you Mr. Storm, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL LAST NAME! All quotes came from www.stormwrestling.com.

Hulk Hogan is trying to improve his gracefulness for when he returns to the WWE, so he is taking ballet classes with Terry Bradshaw.

RAW did a 3.6 this week, up from recent weeks probably in no small part due to no more Monday Night Football. Maybe that is the case, but I like to think it was due to the 20 minute pose down. The fans have spoken, and then have screamed for more pose downs!

Bret Hart and Vince McMahon met over the holidays. Nothing much happened, but they did get coffee. The manager of the diner was apparently so happy to have two big stars in his restaurant, so he stood by the table and watched them drink. Vince was supposed to pay for the coffee, but when the waiter came the manager screamed at the waiter to put the bill in front of Bret. “What,” cried Vince, “This is bullshit!” Vince then grabbed his jacket and ran out of the restaurant, still saying he didn’t want to get out of paying the bill this way. Meanwhile, Bret destroyed 3 booths and a small television they had in the kitchen for the waiters.

Rhyno can’t wait to return to the WWE so he can job to HHH.

The Raw special 10th anniversary is now 2 hours long. The extra hour was added as Triple H and Scott Steiner received permission to cut a promo during the show.

From what I understand, chicken wings will be 2 for twenty five cents during the show, so head on over to The World!

On Smackdown, Haas fights Edge, Benoit fights Benjamin, Show fights Rikishi, Kidman fights someone, uh, Albert . Um . He fights Eddy I think Brock Lesnar big guy Bill Demott in there somewhere not working so much I think Shannon Moore fights Tajiri or, no, he fights Demott I think I remember it’s starting to come back to me there’s a lady she’s laughing I peed myself! I peed all over myself! OH MY GOD! NO! THEY’VE KIDNAPPED ME AND MY DAD WON’T PAY THE RANDOM oh! That’s that movie Ransom. I’m sorry. I actually peed myself two nights ago on that date.

According to the PPV pre-order screen, NWA:TNA is now rated NC-17. Sounds like Vince Russo is starting to have a profound influence on the show! There’d better be some total non-stop boobies and some lesbian stuff or I’m going to really regret ordering it and doing a report.

You ever have duck for dinner when you know you can’t afford duck, and you feel so fancy and rich and that you pull out your very old birthday bottle of Blue Label and the good china and have yourself a drink and pretend to be a billionaire? Well, I just did, and it’s nice for about 3 seconds. Then it becomes horribly depressing. Time to chug the Fleichmans.

Nah. First I’ll do an NWA:TNA report. The first, and probably last, of the New Year.

Junk News. Huzzah!

NWA:TNA STILL SUCKS, PROBABLY.

I mean, they can’t even pay their guys for December or something vaguely like that! The creative team sucks, and if they didn’t have all of those goofy young kids with a life expectancy of 40 jumping around like idiots, they’d already be off the air! Hell, they put their title in the hands of K-Kwik! 1 More minute. This is going to suck. I hate it already. Look, I don’t mean to be negative, but I hate every one and everything.

Okay. It’s 8 now. It should be on. Time to call the cable company again. 8:03 and still nothing.

8:05. My tv sucks.

8:10. There it is. Mike Tenay is bitching about Vince Russo. He calls for all wrestlers to come and help rid wrestling of Vince Russo. Old wrestlers, young wrestlers, even David Cox Arquette!

8:11. So here comes Vince Russo. Three fans in the front think Russo sucks. Russo is with a chick and Sonny Siaki. Vince Russo has friends in high places, which explains why he’s on television. Yeah, someone had to be high to hire Russo. HAHAHAHAHA! Russo is taking over, because wrestling is at an all time low. Russo just said shithole, and I see the face of a little boy behind Mike Tenay. Nice. Vince Russo wants to know what Jerry Lynn will do if wrestling goes out of business. “WILL JOB TO RVD FOR CASH.” There are some young guys on the ramp. Who the hell are they? They’re the future of the sport? Oh, and there are the old guys. They’re the past of the sport. In the middle of the ring, the talkers of the sport. And here comes the old lady! And here comes the melay! Save us Jeff Jarrett and the Road Warriors? Shouldn’t they have been hanging out with the old guys?

8:19. The Russo boys are taking over the NWA TNA girls dressing room. No toilet? Where do they go, a can?

8:20. Kid “Krazy” Kash and EZ Money come out to face Tony Marmaluke and David Young. KID KASH WITH AN ARM DRAG TAKE DOWN! WOW! Kid Kash with a lousy hurracarranra to the outside. Some kind of lousy double team move. Crowd is dead. EZ Money sucks. I think I will have a sip of Fleichman’s. Weird looking move, double team DDTish. My dad just got home. He’s going to found out I drank his Blue Label and kill me. I must construct some kind of crude barricade for my door. Okay, I have books. Lots of books. And video tapes! Zoolander will be my salvation! Headbutt in the corner. Marmaluke with some kind of clothesline pin. David Young is in. Bear Hug on Kid Kash. Jesus, what does this audience have up their asses? I believe I hear a conversation about whether or not Vince McMahon should fire Eric Bischoff. Terrible. This is just embarrassing. Kash almost with the pin after a tornado DDT, but no. Now Kash is in trouble. Awful. David You botched the ending, so they did it again. Here come Russo’s boys to beat up everyone. Christopher Daniels isn’t he the Fallen Angel or some crap like that? Hey, there’s Jeff Jarrett. He beats up everyone cause he’s all powerful and stuff. The NWA will be around forever apparently. Great, I need this to be the alternative forever. And shit, Jarrett has three matches tonight. I mean, good. The three men run away from Jarrett.

8:32. There’s Goldie. She looks hotter this week. Jerry Lynn and Ron Killings are now Jeff Jarrett’s back up. Bob the old guy talks to someone on the phone. I smell surprise guest!

8:34. Here comes Jason Cross, and here comes Sonny Siaki with Desire. Whatever happened to Francine? She was so hot after 18 beers. Siaki has bright yellow pants. Jesus f*cking Christ, they’re doing the whole Michael Buffer thing with some punk with blonde hair. Somebody shut him up. This only works if the crowd cares. I’m smoking a cig. BRB. Mat wrestling to start. After the sequence, six people clap. Jason Cross gets Siaki outside and does some kind of twisty thing off the top tope. Siaki back in control thanks to Desire. She should go to the WWE, just so we could see the video, Desire:DESIRE! Cross with a rollup, then the RVD miss the enzugari hit the enzugari. I don’t know if I’m misspelling that, but enzugari becomes insular on my computer. Siaki positioning the stairs. Twist of the head into the stair from sling shot position or something. Backslide countered with a back flip followed by a DDT and they’re both knocked out. Some kind of botched bulldog or something. Some guy in the front row looks like PK or Vince Russo. Maybe their baby. Here comes the Cross Fire. Pretty amazing. Desire crotches Cross and Siaki rolls him up for the pin. There’s old Bob. Bob restarts the match, but without Desire. Siaki says shit. Russo says no., and the Harriss’ kick the crap out of Cross, if a few punches and throwing him outside is kicking the crap out of him. Rosso says shit. Uh oh, Fat Boy Brian James is going to beat up his dad. Nope. There’s Jerry Lynn. There’s the Truth.

8:48. The Truth and Jerry Lynn versus One of the Harriss Brothers and Fat Boy. That’s no fair. Truth jumps over the top onto Harriss after some dancing. There’s James again. Fat Boy is actually pretty fair. I hear hollering downstairs. Oh God, he found his liquor missing. I am so dead. I need a drink. God, don’t let him check on the duck. Why would he check on the duck? BUT THE CHINA! He loves his China. Jerry Lynn is your guy who couldn’t fit into the WWE in peril. Harriss is in. Hey, Harriss actually jawing to the crowd. Fan interaction? Who woulda thunk they’d respond to that? Big boot for Lynn. Tag to Fat Boy. Fat Boy and One of Them with a slow, deliberate strategy. Hey, Ron Killings is in, and I’m shocked. He’s really stepped up his game! He hits some amazing flipping knee drop from the top, but there’s Mike Sanders in his white sweater with black should stripes to show I don’t know, he was chilly? The tiny security boys check on the now beaten down Killings and Lynn.

8:55. Interview with Percy Pringle. Damn. He doesn’t have a second chin. He has another human being under his mouth. Percy gives us a history lesson. Hey! The WWF is mentioned! Percy Pringle can’t decide between sports entertainment and pure dancing tradition like Ron Killings. Percy can’t decide whether or not he wants to be a manager. You can always use a big fat guy down by the ring.

9:00. Here comes America’s Most Wanted, Storm and Harriss. Nice shot of TNA girl’s butt. Here comes the New Church, Slash and Brian Lee. Slash looks sorta like Damien Demento. OOOH! Goth girl looks spanking good. Maybe I’ll put this match on the back burner for a bit. Nah. I’m taping it. New Church kicking ass. Some awful woman is screaming in the front row. When, if I do spank to flashes of Goth Girl, it shall be on mute and still very difficult. Slash playing to the camera, which is always good. I hope that guy who plays the devil (ECW guy, got his arm blowed up) is married. Must be hard to pick up women. Still, could be fun. “What would you do if I offered you all that your heart desired for just one thing?” “My my soul?” “No. A HANDJOB! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHA! Hey, wait. Can I get your number?” Slash tackles the knee. Lots of tackles tonight. I still don’t know which one is Storm and which one is Harriss. Brian Lee looks old and miserable. Slash back in. I can’t see his chest right now, but are those man boobs? Just tiny ones. Slash is okay. Healthy to have some meat on you. Storm or Harriss with an enzugari. Lee hits one of them with the belt. Camera misses the pin fall attempt. What happened to Malice? He still with the WWE? They’re really taking their time beating up Storm! I heard West call him Storm! I need to walk the dog. I’m taping this, so I’ll finish the match later. Maybe. Does it matter? No.

9:22.Okay, I’m back. Hennig is fighting David Flair. Wait, that’s over. Hennig wins, and David Flair hits Hennig with something in a sack. David Flair should have been something else. David Flair should have been anything else. We still don’t know what is in the sack. Let’s go to Goldie!

9:25. Desire is the new girl in town. Goldie should stay away, but Goldie is just an interviewer, but Desire hits Goldie. Some other girl attacks Desire. Wasn’t Goldie in some kind of lesbian thing. Athena, that’s her name.

9:26. Girl dances in cage, remembering what life was like before she was imprisoned.

9:27. Don West screams about next weeks matches. Mike Sanders says Shit. Jesus. How about crap? He says shit again. He says shit again. Tenay has a one on one interview with Russo next week. Tenay will wind up beaten.

9:28. Jarrett vs. Daniels. The fans still don’t care. Then Jarrett poses for the crowd. Slight cheer. Hey. Where’s AJ Styles? Maybe I missed something. Oh, 9:31, figure four. Daniels reverses it. You know, you can pick out the fans who give a crap. It’s not hard. This was not worth ten bucks. This was not NC-17. This was crap. Daniels with an awesome move. Stroke. 9:34, Jarrett wins.

9:34. Elix Skipper vs. Jeff Jarrett. Fat Boy joins Tenay and thinks West sucks. Elix Skipper with a head butt to the leg. OH NO! Elix f*cked up what looked like a promising move and hit his head. That looked nasty. He’s fighting with Jarrett outside now, but you know it’s eating up Skipper. You don’t f*ck up like that and just get back to business. West has a broken headset on. BG James sings Come on Eileen. Roaddog asks us to chant for Jeff Jarrett. Just the thought of some retard in his house chanting for Jeff Jarrett to break out of a Elix Skipper sleeper hold makes me want to vomit. My dad thinks my brother took the Blue Label! Yes! YES! Jarrett fights out of a long sleeper hold. Daniels tries to interfere with terrible results. Now Roaddog’s head set is breaking.

9:40. Lo Ki kicking, shockingly. Weird elbow, leg choke. Hey! Give Lo Ki the belt! He’s my friend. Well, it’s almost time for the surprise ending. I think I’ll have one more smoke while waiting. This audio is ridiculously bad. LO KI WITH AN AWESOME SUBMISSION! I can’t describe it. Jarrett uses the ropes to break it. Loud Lo Ki chant. Lo Ki gets the Stroke, Elix comes in to cause the DQ. Lo Ki is seriously down. Elix and Daniels beating up Jarrett as Lo Ki just holds off the refs. Here come the Road Warriors. Doomsday Device! AJ Styles kicks the crap out of the Road Warriors! Styles Clash on Jarrett. Then Styles leaves. NWO beat down on Jarrett. Jarrett on the table, and it’s time for the big guest star! SYXXX-PAC! SATURN! GODFATHER! SEAN FUCKING STASIAK! ANYONE BUT It’s Dusty Rhodes. He beats up 10 people. The show is over. Great. Let’s do the end of the tag match.

Looks like I missed a Hennig promo. Okay. Slash has a chair after a sloppy tombstone reversal. Wow. You can see all of Goth Girl’s ass. America’s Most Wanted wins. Next week, will we discover what was in the sack? God willing.

Okay. Look, when you promise someone something, you keep that promise. Thus the below.

I HUMOR MY DRUNK BROTHER BY PUBLISHING WHAT HE WROTE FROM MY PERSPECTIVE

Tuesday night, I experienced all of God’s considerable wrath in the form of what could have been the greatest battle since Napoleon ate lead at Waterloo.

The wrath I speak of is no ordinary wrath, if God is truly a magnificent being that loves us all, then he showed me no love Tuesday night. Maybe he forgot.

The wrath I speak of consisted of the most realistic grudge match that could have ever been The oversized David vs. The Sadistic Goliath.

The Goat versus the Humungous Ross.

Could any battle have deeper implications?

We’re talking a 1 vs. 4 match, much like the semi finals of NCAA basketball

And we know how much wrestling fans like real sports Like Drew Carey likes hearing the word “Tofu”

But for those gamblers, you know what I’m talking about.

But actually, you don’t.

I’m talking the story of the abused younger brother fighting the big kahuna The Goat.

The eldest of 4.

The founder of virtually every society within our family, of which the sole goal would be the ultimate torture and humiliation of the sworn enemy of the society, which would always be one of us.

Particularly of me.

Yes, the taunts and beatings I endured at the hands of the Goat could be avenged tonight. The Humongous Ross was fully capable of using his massive hands to mangle and devastate the loathsome being that is known as the Goat.

He had done it before.

But, my fans, and loyal readers, alas, I quickly intervened in what could have escalated into one of the all time classics.

I ended it before it truly began.

And no fate crossed battle could truly begin until the Humongous Ross could counter the front face lock that the Goat put him in.

At 6’5 and 275 pounds of raw rage, the Humongous Ross clearly held the advantage over the Goat.

It was not to be.

I, your faithful author, ended the epic that could have been The Humongous Ross and the Goat.

You should hate me.

(Basically, my older brother attacked my younger brother on my couch for a few seconds until I told my older brother to stop. My older brother was drunk, so he wrote that from my perspective for some reason. Oh well.)

PLUGS

Joe Rivett grades the WWE and gives me a reward in Time for a Take! I think you’re awesome also, Joe! Still, I have to disagree with your final score. I’m sorry, I didn’t see one thing wrong with the WWE last year!

And Dave Dymond’s The Skeptic Tank: Remember the Renegade, is one of the best things I’ve read about wrestling in a long time. Usually when something like that affects me, I respond by writing a wrestling tale about it. There is something about fiction that allows the writer to express emotions and thoughts that nonfiction writing just doesn’t allow. Dave made it happen. It’s perfect. Go read it now.

LAST ONE OUT, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

Hyatte? Uh, hello? We’re missing you here. I know you’re off becoming a famous writer and all, but we could use a little quote or something. Just to let us know you’re okay, you know? But don’t worry. Myself, Flea, Eric S. and Scott Keith will carry the load.

Stupid IWC 100. Flea’s such a stupid jerk! Flea? Flea, why didn’t you write a report this week? Flea, you’re coming back, right? Maybe? Probably not? Flea, come on man. This is the number 1 site on the Internet. You can’t give that up just to have your Friday’s open again! Come on, Flea! Stop being a jerk! Fine, go maybe! Myself, Eric S. and Scott Keith don’t need you anyway!

HAHAHA! I love the way that Eric makes his readers look stupid! And such cutting political insights! Uh oh! He’s going to start dissing on Iowa! Watch out, Iowa, cause one of the two remaining full time news reporters who aren’t Ashish is about to cut loose on you! Huh. Oh. He’s moving to Iowa. He’s moving to Iowa, and away from a computer for a while. He doesn’t want to write his report for awhile starting in a few weeks. Oh. Well GOOD! Go, you hateful man! Go, Mr.”Look at me, I have a social disorder but I’m real and I’m smart and Flea loves me the most”! Get out of here! Don’t even wait the two weeks, just go! Myself and Scott Keith are going to take care of everything! This site isn’t going to remain at status quo, it’s going to get better!

So, Scott. Hey. You’re not going anywhere, and look at all the help we have! There’s Dave Dymond and that Haley guy and Chris Pankoninin. We’ll be fine. Just you and me and the new guys, Scott. And Ashish and Daniels, but, well, you know. So, I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other for support and friendship now. Now, I don’t really like the color light blue and I think that the word smark is probably the least necessary word created of possibly all time, and I really hated all three Back to the Future films. I mean, why didn’t he just go to the future and get some kind of ray gun and just kill Biff in the past? Now that’s a movie! Also, could you PLEASE stop using a star system? That so Secrets of Wrestling Revealed! Hey, wait, stay! Don’t go back to the smark side! See, I made a nerdy joke and incorporated the word smark, for you. Look, we gotta stick together, if for no other reason then people who are going to be alone forever can’t be choosy when cool, funny columnists try to befriend them. Scott? Scotty K? Where are you fine. Okay. I’m fine. This site needs someone to carry it, well, I once carried a 400 lb all the way onto my bed from the floor! And that was dead weight! Really, really dead weight. So if this site needs a strong back, a drawing point besides of subjective reviews, climb on me 411, and ride me into the sunset! Grutman ain’t going anywhere until something better comes along, and that could be a few months! Look out, Internet Wrestling Community! 2003 is the year of JOSHUA GRUTMAN, 2001 411 AWARD WINNER FOR BEST COLUMN AND 2002 TIME FOR A TAKE AWARD WINNER FOR BEST COLUMN! BACK THE FUCK UP CAUSE I’M BREAKING THE DOOR DOWN!

I’ll see most of you next week. Don’t get used to this thing being so long. I’m too lazy.