A Wrestling News Report 01.16.03

ROYAL RUMBLE PREDICTIONS!

BROCK LESNAR VS. THE BIG SHOW- Winner gets into the Royal Rumble, Loser gets to watch new episode of OZ.

This is a really easy one to call, since we all know who’s going to win the Royal Rumble, right? Wrong. Brock Lesnar will spend his first Royal Rumble backstage, pretending to be interested in Vince McMahon’s stories about bass fishing. We’ll still see Brock and Angle headlining Wrestlemania, but it will develop in a much dumber way.

WINNER- The Big Show

MR. STORM AND WILLIAM REGAL VS. THE DUDLEY BOYZ-Tag Team Title Match, To Be Repeated 5000000000000 Times in the Coming Months.

A lot of people call Mr. Storm and Regal paper champions. Not me. I don’t call them champions at all. In fact, I call Mr. Storm a disgusting liar. The Dudleyz, however, have been on a tear since getting back together. Look for this match to be very close, kind of too long, and to end in bloodshed.

WINNER- Dudleyz by DQ or something stupid like that. Nah. Storm and Regal win clean. Stupid Storm.

DAWN MARIE VS. TORRIE WILSON-Stepdaughter vs. Stepmother Match/So This Is It, Right? Match.

This really seems like a good way to blow this whole thing off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to miss dead Al Wilson and his giant erection, but maybe it’s time Torrie and Dawn moved on to bigger things. Or maybe more lesbianism. I don’t know. The whole thing kind of reeks of Russo on retardation pills. I don’t know where Russo can get such pills, I’m just saying maybe he took some and came back to the WWE to write this angle.

WINNER- The Fans.

SCOTT STEINER VS. TRIPLE H- WWE Raw Title Match.

This is going to be so awesome! I bet instead of fighting, they turn it into a body building contest of some kind. Scott Keith feels this whole thing has been kind of gay, but why can’t one man forcibly remove another man’s clothing, all the way down to his thong underwear? Does that seem gay to anyone besides Scott Keith? People are already saying that HHH is going to win somehow, but I don’t see it being that simple. This thing is going to drag on for another 8 weeks, and Scott Steiner won’t be champion while that’s happening.

WINNER- Steiner by DQ or some bullshit like that.

LOS GUERRORRORORORORORO’S VS. JOHN CENA AND HIS COMPANION, B-2- Smackdown Tag Title Match for all dem hos.

When fighting a match for all dem hos, the participants will be highly motivated. Look for an upset here, as Los Guerrorororororrororrrorororrrrorrororororrorororororororrrrororo’s will pull it out, despite John Cena and B-2’s close friendship. Look for Cena to rap about stuff on the way to the ring.

WINNER- The guys with the really long name.

UNDERTAKER VS. RETURN

Look for a brand new Undertaker, despite the idea that the dead man or bad ass is returning. Get ready for Mark, The Doctor of Love, Calloway. Styx has signed on to do his theme song.

MARK CALLOWAY, MARK CALLOWAY
COME SAIL AWAY WITH MARK

I’ve already revealed too much.

WINNER- Undertaker, although I’d love to see him come back and pose triumphantly in the ring only to get the crap kicked out of him by Nathan Jones. That would rule all!

ROYAL RUMBLE- 15 Raw Superstars. 15 Smackdown Superstars. One Winner. 29 Losers. 1 Minute Intervals. Maybe 2 Minutes, Or A Minute and a Half. No Stone Cold. No Rock. No Kurt Angle. No Chris Benoit. No HHH. Possibly No Brock Lesnar. Only One Way To Be Eliminated. Over The Top Rope. Or Not Showing Up, Like Macho Man Did. I Guess Two Ways To Be Eliminated. This Sunday. Live. On PPV.

Winner- Shawn Michaels. It’s gonna come down to him and Jericho, and Michaels will win it. Wrestle your last match already, Shawn. I don’t want to see you dead.

Okay. Moving on.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

With the return of Vince McMahon, Raw’s rating shot up to a 3.9. Was that because McMahon came back, or because Scott Steiner stripped HHH down to his underwear? Hmmm probably the former, for most people.

Rajah reports that Nathan Jones started with the WWE last week and will receive a “big bush.” Enjoy Molly Holly, Nathan.

Seriously, I’m excited to see Nathan Jones in the WWE. The angle is brilliant, and if Jones can wrestle a lick, he’ll be jobbing to Triple H before we know it.

Mick Foley was invited to appear on the Raw Anniversary show, but he didn’t come. Foley was said to be busy “not giving a crap.”

Bobby Heenan also declined an invitation, as he is enjoying sitting in his house with his cats. He named one Barbarian.

Most of the fans who showed up at the World for the anniversary show did not feel they got their money’s worth. Hey, you got to see Mae Young fondle Mean Gene and Pat Patterson LIVE. That’s enough whack off material to last a year for some of us. Shut up!

Eric Bischoff’s employment is up in the air right now, as having Shane take over RAW may push Bischoff out. He still has 28 days to improve the show, which means that he could be fired in 4 weeks on Wednesday. Wouldn’t that be kind of anticlimactic? Shouldn’t Vince have said 4 weeks or 5 weeks or something? Oh well. Tune in to Law and Order to see if Bischoff is fired.

Wrestling fan Fred Durst has a thing for Avril Lavigne and Brittany Spears. Durst’s favorite wrestler? You guessed it, Jerry Lawler.

The WWE may turn Rock heel when he comes back. In order to be a heel, Rock plans on speaking with a snotty British accent. Actually, that would rule.

The new Superman movie may be in trouble, as everyone is abandoning ship in order to free up time to read my column. More on this story as it develops.

JUNK NEWS! Huzzoi.

PLUGS

Want your vote to actually make a difference? Go to http://411mania.com/specials/awards02/ and vote for your favorite crap of the year. You can vote for your favorite columnist, your favorite movie, even your favorite 411 forumer! Wow, right? Anyway, in the column vote I’d go with either Daniels or Deonandan. I mean, why would I possibly even think of voting for myself? In the recapper and news reporter categories, there ain’t no beating Keith or Hyatte, not even with a giant stick. So go vote. It makes all the difference in the world.

John B. Haley explores when and where the proper place for a “de-pantsing” is in The Little Things.

My arch-enemy, Jay Bower, returns for an insightful look into the pure evil heart of Jeremy Botter. Also, he has some funny stuff. Come read the man I can’t stop being compared to by some, despite the fact that I am far too lazy to write as much as he does.

Want to make yourself feel smart? Try your damnedest to figure out Robert Ortega’s Raw Lines. It’s a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a technical format. Finally, the fun has completely been sucked out.

After years of disagreeing, I finally see eye to eye with Blake Norton. In his most recent Norton’s Notes, Norton states that Goldberg would be a waste of money for the WWE. Still, just to play devil’s advocate, Goldberg would bring in a horrible attitude and a willingness to make everyone he believes to be beneath him look like crap.

Now, I add my two cents.

MY TWO CENTS ON BOB HOLLY BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF MATT.

So, Bob Holly kicked the crap out of some kid named Matt on Tough Enough. I have not watched the show much, and I don’t know if there is some kind of incident that took place between Holly and Matt prior to the beating. What I do know is that there were three other WWE established superstars involved in the match, and no one is talking about how they brutalized one of the contestants. They just wrestled a match against their students, while Bob just pounded the hell out of a kid. Probably taught him a lesson.

According to the Tough Enough synopsis on the WWE website, Holly said he beat Matt “to show him that this business is not an easy one.” Holly is right, from what I know and what I’ve seen, it’s not an easy one. In fact, the only reason that people should get into the business is because they love it. They should love the art of it, they should love entertaining millions of people. This love for the business should outweigh the scorn most of the American public feels towards professional wrestlers. It should outweigh the laughter at the dining room table when your uncle makes some crack about rolling around with another man in your underwear. It should outweigh never having a chance to have a real family, leaving your loved ones for weeks at a time, knowing that if your opponent slightly misses a moonsault, you could lose your job for up to a year.

There is so much pain and so many sacrifices in being a professional wrestler, in being a circus performer, in being an actor in a traveling show that you shouldn’t have to worry that another performer is going to try to cause you more pain. There are so many unintentional injuries as it is. Shouldn’t wrestlers be somewhat secure in believing that there won’t be any intentional injuries?

I’ve never been a professional wrestler, and I never will be. All I am is a fan. As a fan, I like to think that my heroes are good people who support and look out for one another. Sure, like in all jobs some hate each other and some try to screw others over for personal gain, but I like to think they wouldn’t try to kill one another.

Still, it doesn’t really matter what I think. All that matters is that there is a universal rule which states that you treat others as you want to be treated. The way Bob’s treating people, he’ll be injured again in no time. One thing that Keith has really mastered, and that’s recognizing that karma can truly be a bitch. Bob taught Matt a lesson, and Matt shook his hand. I just wonder if one day someone will properly thank Bob for treating new people like that. I just wonder if there’s any way, when Bill Goldberg signs, that Bob Holly can be his first opponent.

Thanks for reading. Enjoy the fab 4.