A Wrestling News Report 01.23.03

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The WWE fired a couple of wrestlers this week. Let’s make fun of this crushing blow to both of their egos.

Justin Credible was fired. Luckily, he had kept in contact with several other companies as he believed he would be fired. He called the back up plan, “Justin Case.”

Raven was also fired, but he’ll be okay. He already has a job with NWA:TNA, and he’ll probably remain with the company for a good couple of months before being fired again.

Hey, I know the Internet loves Raven and everything, but isn’t it a little funny how he keeps quitting or getting fired and coming back and accomplishing nothing? I really think the next step is to start up your promotion, like Jeff Jarrett did. Raven’s Actual Promotion! With a named like that, you’ll definitely get Ron Killings to sign up!

Raven did pop up on NWA TNA to steal Jeff Jarrett’s belt. This marks the first time Raven has touched a title belt since of one of those crappy Hardcore Battle Royals like 8 years ago.

Justin Credible and his friend Sean now eagerly await the firing of Albert so that the X-Factor may release its crappiness on the Indy’s.

Raven was said to be upset at his firing, as he had proposed a new angle for himself to the creative staff, and they planned to put it into motion. Still, this explains all the snickering at the meeting. “Yeah, snort, Raven, giggle, we’ll get right on it! GUFAW! You’re going straight to the, hehehehehe, TOP!”

Raw scored a 3.8 rating this week, down from last week’s 3.9. Ashish says that a drop in the ratings is not a good sign. My God, has anyone considered nominating Ashish for Captain Obvious? It’s a very prestigious position, and I’d be honored if Ashish would represent the IWC in this year’s election. February 3rd, vote for Ashish Habrichiachi or something for Captain Obvious! Also, vote for Widro for Ms. Smelly Panties USA.

Tomorrow the 411 Wrestling Awards will be announced. I sure hope Kurt Angle is the 411 wrestler of the year! Anyone else and we’d be against the grain, and the grain must be kept undisturbed.

It looks like UPN will renew Smackdown, but only if there is many, many more Torrie-Dawn sequences. Bravo, UPN. You put the Class in Lower Class.

According to the Smackdown preview, there is a big surprise this week! Does it have something to do with the main event of Rikishi and Bill DeMott? I hope so! Tune in to see what the fat guy and Rikishi have in store for us!

Also, Hulk Hogan returns to challenge Vince McMahon to a fight. Remember the Nacho Man vs. The Bulkster or something like that from 8 years ago? Like that.

Also, B-2 fights Red Dogg. Remember when everyone was excited about Bull Buchanan, and now he’s on Scott Keith’s “list”? Man, Scott Keith is playing us like bitches! B-2 can go! Give him a chance, you smark sheep!

Also, Kurt Angle fights Rey Mysterio. Hey, you like this match? Well, you know what happens when you mix up the first letters in their first and last names? It makes you a MARK!

Albert will fight the Undertaker, as Vince McMahon’s brilliant plan comes to fruition.

On TNA:NWA or reversed, Lo Ki and Elix Skipper became the tag team champions. Man, could you imagine the Triple Threat match between Storm and Regal, The Guerrorororos and Lo Ki and Skipper? Finally we’d know who the best tag team really is!

Wrestlemania is beginning to take shape. The following matches, not yet announced, are as follows:
Vince vs. Hogan.
Angle vs. Lesnar.
Austin vs. HHH.
Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels.
Edge and Benoit vs. The Guerrorroros.
The Undertaker and Kane or someone else vs. The Dudleyz or something.
Eric Bischoff vs. Shane McMahon or not.
Tommy Dreamer and a bunch of other idiots in a battle royal.
Test is probably one of those idiots.
Some kind of woman’s match, probably Victoria vs. Trish or something. Stephen Richards will be involved.
Jeff Hardy will probably be doing something. Maybe fighting RVD? I don’t know.
Some kind of Lesbian thing.

Look for all of those matches and more!

Have you guys been reading all of the columns dissing the picks for the RAW awards, especially Diva of the Decade. THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO SPEND YOUR TIME DOING THEN WRITING ABOUT HOW SUNNY WAS SCREWED! THE AWARDS ARE FAKE! EVERYTHING IN THIS BUSINESS IS FAKE! Except for the injuries. They’re very real. WWE Injuries: Desire.

There’s new stuff going on in the Owen Hart death trial. I’m not going to cover it.

There’s a new online commentary from Matt Hardy, and it is slowly becoming the most interesting wrestler commentary on the Internet. From Jeff’s weirdness to Matt revealing his fear of women, you learn a lot about the man behind the V 1.

Jeff Jarrett doesn’t want any more cursing at his shows. Hey, shut up you cocksucker!

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

PLUGS.

E.C. is back with lessons he learned from the Royal Rumble. Lesson #1: DON’T GO TO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE IN THE ROYAL RUMBLE! What are you Jeff, a f*cking idiot?

My main man Dino hates Hugh Morrus. Or Bill DeMott. Or whatever. But Dino loves Sunny!

John B. Haley wrote something, and I read it, and now I forget what it’s about. Which means it was probably inoffensive, so go read it now!

Joshua Grutman checks in with a new Wrestling Tale. Oh, if only Joshua were as good looking as he is talented. Wait a second HYATTE THINKS I’M ATTRACTIVE! Ladies, start lining up.

Plug shit! Huzzah!

QUOTES FROM OLD WRESTLING NEWS REPORTS CAUSE I’M BORED.

Scott Steiner might sue Time Warner for his career ending injury that has nothing to do with massive steroid use and sloppy in-ring work.

Excess will air at 8 instead of 10. Great! There goes my Saturday night.

Ring side seats for the Survivor Series are still available. This is all the Undertaker’s fault! If only he hadn’t held back Albert…

Mike Awesome is not due for a push because of his poor reputation backstage. Many blame the Undertaker for this, and by many, I mean Scott Keith.

Big Vito and the Wall were backstage at Smackdown! Big Vito was too busy parking the cars to sign autographs.

In other Tough Enough news, Nidia is officially Booker T’s property backstage. She’s kind of like currency. Congratulations Nidia.

I’m willing to fight for our freedoms by fighting those who are fighting for our freedoms but taking away our freedoms by imposing new laws to restrict our freedoms but they think will actually help to protect our freedoms and the reason I’m fighting them is because fighting them is one of the freedoms that living in a land of freedom and fighting allows me to fight for!

The WWF reported today during their media conference call that SummerSlam PPV total buys were 527,000, the September PPV drew 327,000 buys, and the October PPV drew 305,000 buys. At this pace, 6 people will buy the Royal Rumble. 3 people will buy Wrestlemania. 1 person will buy next years Survivor Series. That one person? SCOTT KEITH!

Bryan Adams’ contract was bought out after being demoted to the NWA. He was last seen giving the Undertaker the puppy dog eyes. The Undertaker had to look away before he started to cry. He couldn’t help his friend anymore. The Undertaker turned and walked away as Bryan whimpered softly.

Heyman’s famous Smackdown promo was unscripted. PwTorch gets info like this because they’re the best in the business! I bet when Wade and the others die, they’ll die with a smile and a sense of satisfaction at the fact that they spent their lives making connections with mid-card and lower wrestlers and interns who told them stupid crap like this. Way to go Wade! You’ve made your father proud.

That whole Invasion thing? The whole Invasion idea? It was ALL KEVIN DUNN’S FAULT!

This is cute. Vince recently sat down the creative team and asked them what they thought was wrong with the company. They told him, and then he told them to eat it. Listen, Vince might be an asshole and a bad boss and a worse and worse business man with each passing year, but on the other hand he’s a dick.

I’m not special. I’m not some kind of God just because I have a couple of thousand people reading my work every week. I’m not, am I? Really, I’m not, right? I’m not some kind of God just because I work for a wrestling website. I can see how Scott Keith could be confused, but I have my feet on the ground. Oh, tell my secretary to send Scott Keith a box of candy and a note of apology. What do you mean I don’t have a secretary? I should have one. Let’s work on that.

If it’s all about one thing, it’s all about the fans. Well, the fans and the feeling of self importance I get doing a job that probably most any wrestling fan who passed 12th grade English could do. I mean, I become the man! People actually respect my opinion about something! For at least a few hours a day I become more then Joshua Grutman, ordinary college commuter. I become Joshua Grut, a respected journalist. I become a superstar, and I’m not going to let go of this until I get bored or something better comes along.

The WWF is going to films some public service announcements for the troops. The superstars who will film the announcements will be Vince McMahon’s ass and Jazz.

JAPANESE HARDCORE WRESTLING IS HARDER THEN HARDCORE AND WE SHALL KILL ALL INTRUDERS!

Lance Storm does not like Diana Hart’s new book, Beneath the Mat. The reason he hated it so much? HE CAN’T READ!

Jim Ross doesn’t think RVD has the full package yet. Yet they push Test to the friggin moon. LISTEN TO THE AUDIENCE! SCREW YOUR FAT ASS! THE AUDIENCE LOVES THE GUY! HE’S THE GUY! HE GAVE UT HIS FIRST PASSABLE MATCH IN YEARS! SHUT UP JIM, YOU GLASS CEILING PROTECTOR! I love you. Please give me a job. I’m creative.

Ric Flair is being sued by PETA for mocking owls.

I just found the one that Flea wrote in my name. Have I mentioned how much I still loathe Flea for that?

That covers 2001. I’ve been doing this for too long. Oh well, another 12 months can’t hurt. See you next week.