Q: What happens when you fill in for, quite possibly, the most despised person of Internet Wrestling Community and receive mail that says –
“YOU SUCK, WE WANT ERIC SUCKLESCHEESASKIESWRKPIOI” ?
A: That’s really too depressing to even think about.
Hello, I’m Flea and here we go. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are mine for a while, just long enough to fill in for Eric but not too long to do any real damage. Actually, I am looking forward to seeing how the other half lives and wonder how much of the same audience we share – I’m dreading that many have the flame mail set auto “auto send†for Eric’s columns, something that he actually humors and publishes. As a general rule, I do not publish reader mail but too keep things semi status quo, I have decided to have another contest (the crux of which started yesterday) in hopes of keeping I don’t know, what’s the word? Interactiveness? Something to fill columnspaceivewithness? Whatever the reason, I did feel like having a giveaway and found something fun for me and something that YOU can play along with!! But we will get to all of that in a moment after a couple of quick notes
The 411 Awards have been published and I think it’s better if I don’t say nothin. Congrats to the winners. There.
Hey Daniels! Or GRUT for that matter. Rumor has it the requested sign showed up on TV!!!! Cool, but I didn’t see it (or tape the show). If anyone can do a screen capture and send it to me, that would be great. This includes YOU, the reader as well. What I’m looking for is the sign that said “GRUT FIRED LANCE STORM†I have been told it made it to TV (Smackdown last week) but I have no idea when or if it also showed up on any of the syndicated weekend shows. But if you can find it, and have the capabilities to get the TV screen transferred to email, send it. Grazi!
Don’t Worry, He’ll Be Back .
PRIMARY PARABLES
In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Bull Buchanan got the proverbial heave ho from gainful employment today, in layman’s terms that means WWE shitcanned him. I was all up in his area with his punk ass Bling Bling character, but unfortunately creative decided they “didn’t have anything for himâ€Â, which of course is bullshit. The role they had “for him†was given to that Redd Dogg dude, who suspiciously enough is married to WWE Superstar Jazz. I’m sure that’s just coincidence, though – wouldn’t want to start any rumors, you know. You have to save THAT kind of stuff for the Main Event Crowd. The only thing more ridiculous than “glass ceiling†is MID-CARD glass ceiling. I have a feeling that Bull will end up in NWA-TNA. He’s as talented than anyone named Wall (Malice), Harris, Harris or hell, just about everyone there that ain’t a Cruiser Midget.
“Internal Pressure†is one of those words that can be construed or misconstrued in any way you see fit. It has been more recently used to describe what is happening with Bret Hart, WWE and the possibility of him appearing in one form or another at upcoming PPV’s or television shows. Who is actually under that “internal pressure†was not disclosed. My opinion is of all people I do not want to see, Bret Hart is at the top of the list. Hell, at least Goldberg can still wrestle – the last time I saw Hart it was on the WWA PPV where he just rambled incoherently before not getting involved in any physical activity. I see no reason at all for him to appear, although I am sure some still think that any animosity still leftover from SS 97 is still relevant this day and age.
For those of you curious / still keeping the flame of hope lit and burning through the night, I saw this on a couple of newslines
Jersey All Pro Wrestling is happy to announce former ECW World Heavyweight Champion & WWE Superstar Justin Credible will make his debut on Saturday, March 29th at The Hungarian Club in Woodbridge, NJ.
See, it’s the whole Big Fish / Little Pond thing!
Speaking of something that’s just WAITING to be served a class action lawsuit, this is from Foxnews.com
Some airline passengers just getting used to baggage inspections and patdowns at airports soon may have to reveal how much they weigh before boarding small commuter and regional planes.
The Federal Aviation Administration announced the temporary weigh-in policy Monday for planes with 10 to 19 seats as part of a monthlong survey to determine whether current weight estimates are accurate.
It’s a question of safety for the smaller planes, and passengers who refuse to go along with the request could be barred from a flight.
The survey will affect passengers on about 200 Jetstream 31s, Metro 23s and Beech 1900s, McElroy said.
All bags will be weighed, but the FAA is letting the airlines decide whether to require passengers to step on scales or simply ask them how much they weigh.
The agency will allow airlines to add 10 pounds to each passenger who is not weighed, because some people might underestimate their weight.
Airlines can refuse to board passengers who refuse to divulge their weight, the FAA said.
Investigators also are looking at weight distribution, which is as important as total weight because it affects an aircraft’s center of gravity. Too many bags in the rear compartment or a few large people in the back could change a small plane’s center of gravity and make it more much difficult to fly.
You just know this new safety measure will be met by disdain and a group of lawyers representing the more “weight sensitive†members of our society. I just like reading these stories when they happen and place bets on how long before it ends up in court. Just something to do.
SPELLING OUT IRONY, SARCASM AND DOUBLE MEANINGS / AND YES, WE HAVE A NEW CONTEST!
Got a ton of mail over this statement .
Also in the news, Tough Enough wrapped up another season and I don’t care. I said all I wanted about the show when I typed about the “Bob Holly Incident†– the dude he slapped around didn’t even win! HA! But someone won the thing, not that it matters. Everyone involved gets some kind of role in WWE, whether it be on screen or off.
– ME, yesterday, The Monday Edition
People couldn’t wait to tell me things like
– Actually he DID win. Check the facts before you make up your own. This is a good example of how well thought out and prepared your “work” usually is. Find a new hobby.
– Hey dumby, the kid Bob Holly “slapped around” did win Tough Enough 3. If you are going to write a column, the least you could do is check on something like that. I mean it is posted on the front of thee 411wrestling.com website, same place as your column.
– Um….I hate to break it to you, but the guy that Bob Holly roughed up (Matt) DID win Tough Enough. Just thought I’d join the dozens of other e-mails that you’re probably getting clarifying this error.
– I’m sure I’m not the first person who will bring this to your attention, but . . . “…undoubtedly not stopping to check facts or use common sense.”
– The guy Matt from Tough Enough who got his ass kicked from Bob Holly DID win Tough Enough. Watch it again!
– I know I won’t be the first one, but I feel like busting your chops about it- Matt, the guy Bob Holly slapped around, DID win a Tough Enough contract. So please, for the love of god, check your facts.
– Actually yes, Matt DID win. Good fact checking.
And THEN actually many more emails figuring I was just having a bad day and made a mistake. Which is what I figured would happen. See, unlike Eric S., I’m pretty mellow and rarely draw things like flame mail, etc. Not that I want to, but knowing I have a different set of “big shoes†to fill AND wanting to keep the tradition of Eric’s sly, ball busting rapport that he shares with his audience, getting all interactive and shit. So what I’m going to do is in one of my news reports I will f*ck something up, for an ironic reason to be dealt with later on in the report. I wanted something to do with reader feedback, but I do not have the time or patience to be confrontational about Politics, sports, or God forbid WRESTLING. Who in the f*ck wants to argue about wrestling? Certainly not me, so a game is what you are going to get maybe if I show you an example (and several people did pick up on this, which means I’m not doing this in vain) you’ll see what I’m up too
First off, our first winner “cut and pasted†the identifying f*ck up and THEN found the statement in which I got all all sanctimonious and hypocritical. Perfect! Watch
– “Also in the news, Tough Enough wrapped up another season and I don’t care. I said all I wanted about the show when I typed about the “Bob Holly Incident†– the dude he slapped around didn’t even win! HA! But someone won the thing, not that it matters. Everyone involved gets some kind of role in WWE, whether it be on screen or off. What I think is most interesting is this “
That was me, in reference to the stupid Tough Enough story and then I threw this out there as a prelude to my upcoming review of “Sex, Lies and Headlocksâ€Â
– But the whole summary of it will be this – you can’t have one or to things considered “gospel inside information†while making grievous errors on simple things like PPV names and details of taped matches.
SEE! Those are MY statements. It’s up to you to find them! Of course, the reason why I single out this particular email is the follow-up
The whole summary of it is this – the guy Bob Holly kicked the crap out of did win. You are a moron. An ironic moron, given the second statement, but a moron nonetheless.
Earl Scheib – escheib@hotmail.com
Well, you got it half right, Earl. And good job! You are the first winner! I plan to do this until this whole News report assignment thing gets straightened out. Watch, cut and paste and WIN WIN WIN!!!! Hey! What’s the prize?!?!?!
An autographed copy of Netcop’s book, Tonight, In This Very Ring. Autographed by who? ME! FLEA! I will mail you a PURCHASED copy of the book, at my expense and personalize it for you! Who could ask for anything more?
Part Two of the contest will start in tomorrow’s news. Not today’s. Tomorrow’s! Sounds like fun to Flea!
JOEY’S NUMBER
In a segment not seen since my very first few news reports, here’s a few items from the Joey Styles Hotline Report! Because he’s a BRIDGE BURNER!!!!, you know?
He starts of confusing me oh wait – the tape picks up mid sentence and he’s talking about Jesse Ventura’s possible MSBC talk show, which is doomed to failure, according to Joey, because MSNBC’s ratings are in the toilet and they are not really relevant. Jesse would have no chance against O’Reilly but might do ok based on his popularity as a political commentator, says Joey.
World Wrestling All Stars gets mad Joey props oops, strike that, he said the show sucks.
XPW – they are lying about their attendance. But there was a bunch of shows in the area. ECW fans hate XPW (most likely for that occurrence at a PPV a few years ago). Philadelphia is overexposed with too many promotions in to small an area. That’s over saturation all right. 3PW, another Indy promotion, wants nothing to do with Ring of Honor. No one is getting paid.
Some ratings news nothing spectacular, Joey gives away Heat results, saying “he might as well, no one will be watching†because of the Super Bowl. Good point. More stuff about how bad WWE is drawing.
Raven and Justin Credible news – Credible has a “drug problem†(rumored), and Joey points out Raven f*cked himself by not taking the full time commentating job, but still wrestling on the side, much like Jerry Lawler does. Can’t argue with that.
Joey talks some Rock –E stuff. Wow! He’s a movie star? No way! Limited appearances? You don’t say!
HHH’s heel group . “Horsemen name mean nothing†anymore. Ain’t that the truth.
Torrie is posing for Playboy.
Austin is in good shape.
Vince is in talks with Fox.
And finally shit is f*cked up in the Owen Hart lawsuit. Actually, in my opinion, things worked out just fine. It was a witch hunt targeting Vince to begin with, when if you are placing blame, you do have to blame the mechanism, at least to a certain degree. I might have more to say about this later, who knows. Naturally, the lawyers are playing the ole “Hi! My name is Pilate and I am washing my hands of this whole thing! It’s the widow’s fault! the pure scumbaggedness of the whole thing really creeps me out, but does not surprise me.
Joey was voted 2nd in a couple awards. Good for him. He puts himself over (har) and calling wrestling matches makes him happy happy happy. And that’s all from Joey Styles!
RAW IS WAR
– Booker T beats Jeff Hardy with a roll-up. Jeff try to get revenge but Booker wasn’t playing like that. After all, you can’t do a spin-a-rooni when you are laying in a pool of your own blood after a heel beatdown.
D’lo Brown (w/Theodore Long) beats Hurricane with a Sky Hi, now called
Victoria (w/ Stevie Richards) beats Mrs. Trish Hyatte in a Chicago Street Fight to retain the Women’s Title. Afterwords, Jazz returned and beat the hell out of Trish with all sorts of fancy moves. Trish has a way of making everything look like it kills her, so Jazz looked like one tough sista.
Regal and Storm beat The Dudley’s in a Tag Team Table Match to retain the Tag Belts. ECWish brawl with no rhyme or reason, featuring a run in by 3 Minute Warning and culminating in D’Von getting tableized. JR mentioned earlier that the fans voted Goldust and Booker T as the “Tag Team of The Yearâ€Â. That seems odd.
A.I.D.S. kills John Holmes before Eddie Nash can – E True Hollywood Story. And a good one, too.
HHH / Batista beat RVD and Kane. They are teasing a breakup of Kane and RVD, which is good it’s just matter of which one of them join HHH’s new group. The name of the group is still up in the air – which has led to 82% of the Net coming up with witty and clever names, in lieu of spending all their time writing about what a creep HHH is. Hey, whatever it takes.
Steiner gets beat down again – and bloodied. Can’t see enough of that.
Earlier in the evening, Some Other Guy failed to show remorse for clobbering Stacy with a chair, actually cleverly re-assigning the blame to Test, who Other Guy deems half a man for not taking the chairshot on his own. And by the way – NO FUCKING SHIT THAT CHAIR SHOT ON STACY WAS FAKE. But all of you are more than welcome to keep driving that fact into the ground. I guess that makes up for all the people who attempted to suspend disbelief and foolishly thought that Stacy would take a full force chair shot from Jericho. HBK comes down to harass Other Guy but Guy bails before the Sweet Chin Music can connect.
Also earlier in the evening, AUSTIN AUSTIN AUSTIN as video was shown about why he ain’t there and another video was shown foreshadowing his eventual return. I’m all for it. But I’m selfish.
THE SZULCZEWSKI YOUTH
Any comments I get from Eric’s regular contributors will be placed here. As mentioned or as Award Winning News Reporters say. “Like I saidâ€Â, you guys are more than welcome to send me any comments, tidbits or random musings
I can’t believe you missed the major MAJOR screw-up in the SuperBowl yesterday: Celine Deon, or however you spell her friggin name.
You take the single biggest overblown, overhyped sporting event in America, and you start it off properly by singing God Bless America (which I have no problem with).However, someone hires that shrill French-Canadian yak to sing it? That someone should have their nutsack dipped in honey and buried in a hill full of fire ants.
I don’t care if she did buy a house in Las Vegas. She’s a Cannuck, she’s a Frog Cannuck ta boot, she always was and always will be. It’s like getting Saddam Hussein to do the Star Spangled Banner — get one of our countrymen to sing it, or drop it from the program.
“Big Daddy†Kurt.Dieckmann
PAGE SIX
Well, that went okay, I guess. Remember, a brand new contest is a-happening, big prize to win and all you have to do is read, cut and paste, and mail! Good luck!
Speaking of mail, I did receive one final message from Eric himself, instructing me to include this. Here you go and he WILL be back. Of that I’m sure. Matter of fact, Eric is welcome to contribute to this as well. HEY ERIC! If you are reading and can shoot me off a commentary now and then, I’ll include it kinda like this next section, which will be cleverly titled
SCREEDS FROM THE CURMUDGEON
A couple weeks ago, one of the bimbo and himbo teams that infest Chicago morning radio started talking about a concept called Your Song For Life. To simply put it, it’s the song that was Number One on the charts the week you turned 18 years old. Interesting, I thought, until I decided to look mine up. The
moment I saw that it was Lionel Richie’s “Truly”, I decided to give up on the concept. It was then that my eyes went a little lower on the page to the December charts, and realized that things could have been a lot worse. For one person in wrestling, it is.
Steve Austin’s Song For Life is Toni Basil’s “Mickey”.
This is IT, Fleabag. This is the Big One. I’ve found the Unified Field Theory On What Makes Steve Austin A Dick. It explains everything: stealing other wrestlers’ wives, spouse beatings, childish behavior, desperate need for attention, desire for near-perpetual intoxication, etc. We’ve all been searching for
The Key, the piece of information that unlocks everything, and I’ve found it. If your Song For Life is one of the most pathetic pieces of unmitigated barely-musical crap to hit #1 on Billboard, there’s a lot of built-up hostility that needs to be released. Having “Mickey” as your Song For Life is more mentally
disturbing in the long run than any case of bipolar illness you can imagine.
That song caused a lot of damage to people hitting the forty mark age-wise, especially the video, where you saw the then-pushing-forty Toni Basil attempting to be a teenage cheerleader. Dear God, just thinking about it makes me want to do straight Jack until I lose conciousness. I still have no clue to this day what made that song popular. My guess is that we were still trying to do drugs like our older siblings, not realizing that they’d used up all the good stuff. Dear Heavens, save my generation, and save anyone who might have that disgusting ditty as their Song For Life. Even Steve Austin.
Eric
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Welcome to Tuesday Hearsay, I’m Flea
