The Mid-Week News 01.29.03

Hey there and welcome back. I’m Flea and here is yet another day of news for youse and it pertains to the wrestling world. Do you like it better when people do not write about wrestling in wrestling columns? That seems to be up for debate – Eric and that other dude that I seem to be subbing for on a consistent basis make a habit of non-wrestling related material. I, on the other hand, normally write ONLY about wrestling, or at least get started in that direction until something lese catches my eye. One question I have NEVER received is “Jeez, could you talk about something ELSE!?!?! I’M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT WRESTLING!!!! Hey ho! Them days are coming!!!! as soon as 411maina rolls into town! S.Y.N.E.RG.Y. ladies and germs and you better like it or else. In an effort to jump on this non-wrestling bandwagon, this Wednesday column will be something different, which I can tell right away that ain’t going to happen because talking about current events bores the shit out of me and arguing about sports is tantamount to getting so f*cked up that you start arguing with your ICE. That ain’t good and there is no real way to justify that as behavior that could be considered normal. Come to think of it, a RANDOM TOPICS column might go over good – they are all the rage on the East Side. Come to think of it (2), I need to clarify something before we get started

Earl Scheib!!!! Yeah, you. I apologize for not clarifying that each of the winners each week of SPELLING OUT IRONY, SARCASM AND DOUBLE MEANINGS will be placed into a random drawing and at the end of all this crap a grand prize winner will be selected. That’s when someone gets the prize (autographed copy of Tonight, In This Very Ring, autographed by Flea!) that little rule was kinda important to point out, ya think? If any of you are thinking Bait and Switch, that’s your problem and you should be ashamed. But I will remind you that the contest resumes in this here report, go back to yesterday’s news if you want to know what’s goin’ on

Oh and just to let you know I don’t read Smackdown Spoilers so, basically, I have no business writing about them. I know I ain’t the only one who likes to be surprised at stuff, so if you need a News Report during the week that won’t burst your Thursday Bubble, this is it. Of course, if something MAJOR happens, like a riot or something, I may say a word or two. But other than that, no spoilers for matches or angles, etc. I promise.

And one more time, just because it seems to be safe to go back into the water

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

On with the show

THE FIRST THING ON THE LIST

I imagine you all are wondering about that story you heard regarding Brian Gewitz going on vacation (but making sure to leave some forward looking scripts) and how it was nothing but bullshit. According to Da Meltz, something like this occurred

Gewitz does his thing. Paul E. does his thing. The two do not see eye to eye. Paul E likes to yell. So does Gewitz. Their conflicting views occasionally lead to arguments – and goddamn, we can’t have that shit, some Dirt Sheet Writer might overhear and start spreading rumors. So WWE suspended Gewitz and kicked Paul E off the creative team. They did this to keep their private arguments from getting any more public than they were .getting. And presumably to keep all this out of the sheets and off the Internet. That’s pretty f*cking clever, if you ask me.

Hey GRUT! Check this out

I see over on the news line that the WWE IS TIRED OF NOVA; SIGNS NEW CONTRACT

I KNEW everyone would come to their senses and get tired of that Nova dude! All his “hey everyone steals my moves, I invented the reason why!!” crying the blues. So I’m not shocked that they signed a contract, presumably to blackball him from the industry.

See GRUT! I can do humor out of headlines too! How in the hell do you get Number One???? Oh, that was for COLUMNIST! Yeah, your fiction stuff is pretty good, I can’t do much of that writing stuff, that’s why I type. It’s HASHISH that I have the “why him instead of Flea” complex against. My bad feel free to use that GODDAMN FUNNY “news story” above sunshine.

According to most sites, Goldberg did another AOL Chat and from the looks of things, just couldn’t be bothered. I think somewhere I read a quote “It’s tough when you get the same questions all the time”. Okay, Mr. Prima Donna, you think it’s tough ANSWERING the same thing over and over? Try typing about it, especially when it comes to the topic of Goldberg and how it looks like it’s a matter of when, not if, he shows up. Some convictions that guy has. So to save myself trouble of commenting again, I just went to the archives and found this

“Just hearing his name makes me want to puke.”

– Bill Goldberg in a recent on line chat

I know how he feels. The Big Story going around this week is the rumored and gearing-up-to-be-hyped down-our-throats-match between Goldberg and Rock E at Wrestlemania next year. As a matter of fact, the bald headed prima donna even went out of his way to grace us all with an on line chat – here are some excerpts

Ah, piss on that sloppy, overrated menace. His on-line chat was nothing more than a obscene performance of vanity and taking himself way to seriously, simultaneously severely exaggerating his use for the business and managing to take a shit on the business, with his “better than everyone comments”. Oh sure, he was very gracious to the top stars like Rock and Austin but check this out

Q: Would you be interested in facing Rob Van Dam and some of the other mid-card stars?

Goldberg, the prima donna: “The key there is mid-card stars…no offense, but no thank you!”

Well ain’t that cute. As much as I dislike RVD, Goldberg does no one any good by saying things like that. UNLESS he wanted to come in as a heel, which well all know his “heart just is not in that”. God forbid he disappoint children who can not tell the difference between real and fake. So this is no gimmick, those are his true feelings and normally I would have no problem with someone calling a spade a spade, but Jesus Christ! Goldberg has NEVER done a damn thing for wrestling! Oh sure, he was over for a little while, but with a roster like the 98-99ish WCW, that’s like saying Coors Light is a great beer, simply because it’s the only one left in the refrigerator. But if you listen to him, you would think he is the second coming and everyone else in the business not named Rock or Austin is not on his level. Here is another comment, this time directed at HHH

Q: (well this is more of a statement than a question, but none of you would have understood a big “S” in lieu of a Q..) Elaborate on your problem with HHH.

“I think someone needs to teach HHH the meaning of the word RESPECT. The real story is he opened his mouth about someone he knew nothing about, and I just wanted to let him know I didn’t appreciate it very much!”

I’m sure he is talking about that 3 year old confrontation he had with HHH at an autograph signing. If memory serves me correctly, H questioned Goldberg’s dedication to the business. Now then – you can say or feel how you want about H and his supposed “backstage politics”, but you are a dumb, blind fool if you think he is not 120% passionate and committed to the wrestling business. Depending on your point of view, his motives may be misguided and for lack of a better word “suspicious”, but his love and respect for wrestling should not be questioned. And the “respect” comment is coming someone who has been milking an AOL contract dry along with milking various “injuries” since he didn’t get his way in WCW. And that statement also shows how goddamn ignorant Goldberg is about the business – a lot of people would pay money to see that match, but if I was HHH, no way in the world do I step into the ring with him – Goldberg actually LIKED Bret Hart and looked what he did to him. Combine his sloppiness and his total lack of regard for his opponent, with an actual ego / jealousy fueled hatred as motivation, and you are just asking for trouble. I’m sure HHH could handle himself, but who would want to have to worry about something like that? It ain’t 1930. This next one is in regards to his work schedule

Q: Would you take a full-time or limited WWE contract?

Goldberg: “I’ve always been a firm believer that less is more…it’s not special if you see it every night.”

So much for the house show business. And I’m sure that will go over big with the locker room – a guy gets who knows how much for a “special attraction appearances (I’m sure it will be at least seven figures) and doesn’t have to travel or work a full time schedule. Ain’t that something? See, Hogan could do stuff like that because he is 50 years old and is, after all, HULK HOGAN, a man responsible for most of the modern generations’ gainful employment. Including Goldberg’s. But for Goldberg to come out and say that shows an obvious disdain for everything most wrestlers live for. So why in the world Vince would want to bring this lecherous jack-off into the mix is beyond my realm of comprehension. EVERY hot-shotted angle since the purchase of WCW has been screwed up royally, mainly due to the writing staff having their head so far up their asses they can see daylight. Why would this one be any different? And the million dollar question is this

Q: If WWE changed its style to reflect more what you believe in, and you went to it, would you have a problem taking a fall to someone like Brock or Austin?

Goldberg: “I’ve never had a problem taking a fall to everyone, if it was realistic and fit the storyline.”

For those of you new to all of this, “fall” in the context above means the ol’ “j.o.b. on p.p.v” That statement is so ludicrous on so many different levels I’m surprised anyone with an IQ over 27 is not puking in their shoes with howling fits of laughter. I can see it now

WWE: “Hey Bill! Here’s your story line! We will give you 1 million dollars to show up at the PPV and JOB to Matt Hardy

Goldberg: “That doesn’t fit into any story line and is not realistic”

WWE: “Well, seeing as you refuse to show up for TV and / or house shows, it’s tough to craft a story line. And if you want realism, realistically, we are FUCKING NUTS to pay you at all, but here’s that Million – we want to create a star – MATTITUDE IS ON IT’S WAY!!”

Goldberg: “That doesn’t fit into any story line and is not realistic”

WWE: OK, here is TWO MILLION, Please put Matt over!”

Goldberg: Well, I guess I can do that – but I want a DQ ending and I have to get my heat back

WHO THE FUCK HAS THIS GUY BLOWN TO GET THIS KIND OF TREATMENT? WCW could not have been that bad as to find the need to create and unleash a monster like this on us .was it? And how desperate can Vince McMahon be to even consider something like this. He has Austin coming back, Rock E will be around, Angle and Lesnar are ready to tear the house down, and a whole roster full of wrestlers that are much better than the shows that have been presented to us. I think everyone will agree that WWE as a product needs work – but it’s not bleeding and dying as everyone in the Chicken Little Smart Crowd will have you believe. One or two story lines and the staff staying healthy will get the product back on track – I’m predicting around Wrestlemania time.

Around this time last year, I was very vocal in the pending return of the N.W.O., thinking, if booked right, could lead to many intriguing story lines and a kick in the ass that the business needed after Vince and company stepped in horse shit presenting the whole “Invasion” angle to the unwashed masses. Unfortunately, injuries, personal problems and a total lack of competence by everyone involved killed the N.W.O angle dead as a door nail. The only redeeming quality (and really, the only thing that made sense from start to finish all year) was the return of Hulk Hogan for one last run at the top. Sure the matches were lousy from a technical point of view, but that old “Hogan Magic” was the nostalgia du jour and everyone he wrestled went out of there way to make him look like a viable threat instead of a washed-up has-been. And at the end of the run, Hogan was a total pro and started Brock of on his “monster heel push”. All of which was good for business – if you are going to have a featured attraction, that’s how you want it. I see nothing redeeming about Goldberg, either from a in ring standpoint or a long term effect of the future of WWE. Rock E should be enough of a “featured attraction” if, in fact, he continues to be an actor instead of a wrestler. For my money, Rock is 10x more talented and entertaining than Goldberg could ever be, not to mention, he is very loyal to Vince and the WWE family. Compare Rock’s feelings to these of Goldberg

“I don’t trust anybody unless their last name is Goldberg.”

The only thing I would like to see if the are out of their minds enough to pay this useless slug a dime is for him to work a program with Chris Jericho and eventually put Jericho over. That always bothered me; at the height of Jericho’s “run” in WCW, Goldberg refused to work a program with him. But looking back on that, it was WCW’s treatment of him that lead Jericho to the promised land and into the megastar he is today.

Maybe Goldberg does have a place in the business – while he is too much of a prima donna to do what is best for wrestling instead what is best for himself, he drives the wrestlers around him to step up their game, knowing that possibly there is light at the end of the tunnel as eventually anyone who has the attitude of Bill Goldberg is not long for the business – it’s not like taking the money and running is against his saintly principles.

– FLEA, Saturday Evening Post, 12.21.02

I plan to keep posting that every time I have to talk about a Goldberg interview or match where it is obvious he has put no effort into and / or doesn’t give a shit about. Hell, if he can rest on his laurels and half ass things, so can I.

According to Da Meltz, WWE is expected to deliver another surprise announcement this week on Smackdown. Most believe that the surprise will be the announcement of a Rock vs. Hulk Hogan match at No Way Out. And it was! Ain’t that something! Hi-8 Rules!

And just to apologize right now, I had planned to do a review of Sex, Lies and Headlocks today, but I’m travelling and left the book at home. “Flea! Why don’t you just buy another copy?” Ummm .no, one is enough. But the report is on the agenda.

SANTA ANA, Calif. – Two brothers accused in the slaying of their mother allegedly told police that the idea to chop off her head and hands in order to hide the crime came from the popular TV show “The Sopranos

Jason V. Bautista, 20, and his 15-year-old half brother, who was not identified because he is a juvenile, were arrested Friday for investigation of murder in the death of Jane M. Bautista, 41. They were to be arraigned Tuesday afternoon in Santa Ana.

It had not been determined whether the 15-year-old would be charged as an adult.

“Jason told investigators that he and his brother had been involved in the killing and dismemberment of his mother,” Orange County Sheriff Michael S. Carona said at a news conference Monday. “Bautista also told investigators he had seen an episode of ‘The Sopranos’ where he saw the same type of dismemberment that had been done before dumping a body.”
In a “Sopranos” espisode last season, fictional mob boss Tony Soprano killed one of his gangsters in a brutal fight, then had his head and hands cut off before dumping the body.

HBO, which broadcasts the Emmy-winning program, declined comment.

For more go here

Fascinating. Just think, if they would have f*cked the corpse, we could have blamed HHH!

IT AIN’T JUST RAW SPELLED BACKWARDS

I guess we should talk about President Bush’s State of The Union address. On second thought, I’m doing just fine and as I’ve said before, I’ve got mine so I think I’ll stay out of whatever is going on at the moment. It is kind of odd that an anti-war movement seems to be starting up, even though 90% of this generation is to self absorbed to give a f*ck. I do not include myself in that crowd, I don’t give a f*ck for entirely different reasons than the delusional left wing crowd who is crying about how this is nothing but a “war for oil” and “innocent lives” (Flea note: they mean the terrorists, not us, when the freaks talk about “Innocent lives”) being lost for the sake of American Imperialism blah blah blah blah blah. Well no shit, Susan Sarandon! You mean we are over there to gain control of quite possibly the most valuable natural resource on the planet??? YOU DON’T SAY! wait a minute, you do say? Well, I’ll be a raped ape. I NEVER would have figured out that the payoff for this whole thing was OIL! Such a silly argument. And everyone is talking about REVENGE as a motive. You ain’t gotta be a recipient of LASIK to see that either. So what is wrong with either of those scenarios? It’s down to where you are either on the side of the Isolationists like Pat Buchanan or the Save the World crowd who thinks America should be involved in the health and welfare of every starving, underprivileged, oppressed person on the planet. And so the line between the Left and the Right is blurred even further, not that there has been any question about that since the Clinton Democrats would not go along with Hillary’s socialized Health Care reform.

Before we continue, I had a great conversation with someone on AIM while the State of The Union Address was going on totally out of the blue. So I just wanted to say, if you are reading .HELLO!

I’m Wanted

(wanted)

Dead or Alive

Back to business .Now that I think about it, there is one thing that I am interested in

Faith Based Drug Treatment

This one’s a hoot. President Bush has a plan to allow Faith Based charities (i.e. churches, etc) to catch a break on taxation, specifically the ones that preach the word of God to a miserable junkie or a drunk that is ready for salvation. The argument against this? “Those charities would be preaching the word of God to a miserable junkie or a drunk that is ready for salvation”. Sometimes I wonder what rock people live under – have you ever been around someone who has attended AA or weaned their way off of drugs through counseling? The FIRST FUCKING RULE is turning yourself over to a higher power! To deny the existence of someone needing whatever helps them proves how f*cked up this War Against Drugs has become. Hell, it’s no longer the Bible Thumping Fascists against the Left Wing Radicals anymore. It has become, “hell I’ll just treat the addiction, affliction or condition with whatever little yellow pill Dr. Feelgood prescribes me. And save some for the children; Sarandon knows they can’t behave without their Prozac. There’s your f*cking sickness, not a “higher power”.

So to help you, I offer you this I’m sure I can be applied to whatever substance you care to abuse, but not kill yourself over

From one of my favorite websites, moderndrunkardmagazine.com / Richard Armstrong

LUSH FOR LIFE – MAKING LIQUOR A LIFE LONG AMBITION

If you’re a good boy and wait until you’re 21 to start boozing, and reach the life expectancy of an average American, you’re looking at over five decades of drinking. And let’s face it: if you’re going to drink steadily for half a century, you’re going to have to pace yourself. Because if you don’t, someday you’re going to have to stop forever.

Quitting drinking can have massive social repercussions. Going out to bars every night, for instance, is considerably less fun if you can’t actually drink.

Some might even go as far as to assert that going to a bar and not drinking is pointless and boring. Ask any designated driver who has finally given in and agreed to pay cab fare for everyone. Likewise, your wide and loyal circle of drinking buddies seem to have no interests outside of boozing it up, leading you to wonder if alcohol was all you had in common in the first place. Which is silly. These people are, after all, your best friends.

The psychological consequences of giving up booze can be even worse. The first of the twelve steps has you admitting your own powerlessness. Admitting you are powerless over something is much easier if you can pour yourself a consoling whiskey and consign the rest of the world to damnation: “I may be powerless, but f*ck them.”

Recently, groups have emerged which try to focus on managing drinking behavior rather than the all-or-nothing approach advocated by Alcoholics Anonymous. That’s all well and good for people who simply want to continue to enjoy the pleasant effects of alcohol without exposing themselves to the psychological and physical damage of constant overindulgence. But what about those among us who have developed over the years a social niche—one might call it a social role one plays—which demands being perceived as a drunkard? Is there any way to actually drink a reasonable amount of alcohol while remaining a drunkard in the eyes of society?
Yes. Here are a few tips, based on the classic warning signs of alcoholism, to keep you healthy and your friends and family worried:

1. Deny that you are an alcoholic. Strenuously and at every opportunity. You can do this even if you’ve never taken a drink in your life.

2. Drink alone. Medical studies years ago found that a glass of red wine every day was healthy. The primary effect of these studies was to give the already snooty French another reason for looking down their noses at the rest of the world. (“Oui haff made like zis for centuries!”). Recent studies have pointed out a similar or even greater benefit from a daily glass or two of beer. There is no reason not to extrapolate this to all liquor, and as the benefit is medical and not social, it is perfectly acceptable to do it alone. You don’t, after all, feel the need to take your daily dose of anti-psychotics in the presence of your friends. For greatest effect, refer often to your daily pre-dinner Mind Eraser. If you are not partial to strong drink, a simple bedtime beer bong will suffice to keep people astonished at what they assume to be your lifestyle.

3. Lie about your drinking. This one is unpleasant. A grown man claiming he had three tequila shots or a half-pint of Jack Daniels before going out is no better than a preteen girl stumbling and giggling all over the Wal-Mart parking lot after half a wine cooler. But you want to be popular just as badly as she does, don’t you? Don’t you? Okay.

4. Stick to the hard stuff. Folks who are trying to control their drinking are often blatantly obvious about it. It’s people like them who unleashed the white wine spritzer upon the world. To continue to hang with the boozehounds, you must continue to drink like one. A good choice is Campari with soda. Though it’s relatively low in alcohol, it’s incredibly vile-tasting to the uneducated palate and seen as a favorite of people who are serious about drinking.

5. Gulp your drinks. The key to being seen as a drunkard is being seen to drink copiously and quickly. This can be accomplished by a tactic I call staking your claim. A drunkard controls the drinking around him, is seen as constantly pushing people forward to drink. When you enter the bar, order a drink, ostentatiously chug it down, and order another. Chide your companions for being so slow. You can nurse your second one all night and still be viewed as a hardcore drinker.

6. Have blackouts. A well-placed phone call works wonders. Ring up your drinking buddy the next day (early afternoon is best) and ask him how you got home last night and if he knows where your other shoe is. When you show up for the next big night and he remarks on how you seem to have found your other shoe, immediately get a new drinking buddy, as this one, judging by how much attention he pays to shoes, is obviously gay. If you already knew he was gay, tell him you just loved them so much you had to run out and buy a replacement pair. He will respect this.

7. Get into trouble while drinking. Well, as much trouble as you ever did.
Follow these simple tips and you should be able to keep your health and still have to fend off the occasional intervention. When your drinking buddies start kicking off in their mid-fifties from cirrhosis, you can shake your head slowly and say: “I guess some people can really drink and some just can’t handle it.”

So other than that, I’m really not all that concerned if we go to war or not. It’s something that was bound to happen eventually and President Bush is having a hell of a time maintaining post 9/11 patriotism while trying to time this close enough to Election time where no one in their right might would vote against him. That’s very shrewd and that’s why I am glad he is my President. Nothing short of Daddy telling him “quit” is going to stop him. That’s what we need from a leader. Strength, Honor and Dedication.

THE SZULCZEWSKI YOUTH

So, lemme get this straight — after last night’s RAW, here’s my entire face stable: Booker, Hurricane, Goldie (if he ever resurfaces), Trish, The Duds, Test (by default via Jericho’s actions), RVD (given that Kane abandoned him and is now heel) and Scott f’ing Steiner. It’s official — they’re screwed.

And in skirting the “No more Hardcore Matches on RAW” rule that’s apparently being ignored by everyone, allow me to suggest the following euphamisms: Boston Beantown Beatdown, Dallas Junkyard Brawl, Cincinnati Scrapheap Challenge, and the ever-popular San Franciscan “It’s long, hard and I’ll smack you in the head with it” Lead Pipe Genocide.

And Scott Steiner gets beaten to a bloody pulp again this week? Not that I’m complaining, but why can’t the WWE just fess up and admit what they’re doing – punishing him for sucking. How’s this for a storyline: each week from now until WM, Orange Juice and the rest of his gang simply stroll out at some point in the show and say to the crowd “Look, you know it and I know it and everyone out there knows it. Steiner just totally sucked in our Rumble match. He’s slow, shitty, untalented and deserves to be just brutalized for it. Scotty, come on out and pay the penalty.” Steiner comes to the ring and the Horsiemen or Pony Boys or RuffRiders or Ass Cowboys or whatever they wanna call themselves just pulp Steiner hardway for about 10 minutes and leave. Every single week. You wanna talk about compelling, Must See TV? That’s it.

One other thing: you combine and rearrange all the initials of Trips little gang of hoodlums and you wind up with: BORRHHHF.

You determine whether it’s the sound of crap or retching.

– “Big Daddy” Kurt Dieckmann

PAGE SIX

Final thing today is the Raw Rating. 4.1 from hours of 3.9 and 4.2. The only way that’s not good news is if you want to warp it into negativity. My advice would be not to, but each of us has to walk to the beat of their own drum, right?

This has been The Mid-Week News, I’m Flea, thanks and be nice to GRUT. He wins awards, you know.