A Wrestling News Report 01.30.03

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The WWE got tired of Nova and signed him to a new WWE contract. I KNEW everyone would come to their senses and get tired of that Nova dude! All his “hey everyone steals my moves, I invented the reason why!!” crying the blues. So I’m not shocked that they signed a contract, presumably to blackball him from the industry.

Oh, and SCREW YOU FLEA! Two time award winner here! We came into this at roughly the same time. How many awards do you have? What? 0? None? SCREW YOU, FLEA! All you’ve done is make a list that had your friend at #1 and listed Brian Alvarez twice! You’re a disgrace to the Internet Wrestling Community, Flea, and we’re a disgrace to the world, which is a disgrace to the universe! You’re a disgrace to a disgrace to a disgrace!

I’m kidding. I love Flea. He and Daniels got my name on a sign on Smackdown, and Flea lost to Ashish. Nothing but pity and love.

A guy much funnier then me did the second Smackdown spoilers! Go read his! He calls A-Train a Chia Pet and Kidman Mankid. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I’m not being very fair. He’s probably a lot funnier when he isn’t trying very, very hard.

RAW did a 4.1 this week. Experts attribute this rise above 4dom to Austin’s proposed return, but those people underestimate the word of mouth on the Steiner-Triple H feud. I swear, I turn on talk radio and it’s all I hear about. Don Imus is now sending shout outs to all his freaks. It’s disturbing.

Raven signed a confidentiality agreement with the WWE, meaning he will not be able to talk about why he was released. If he does, he will be exiled to a remote area with a scarce population where no one who matters will be able to hear what he has to say.

In other news, Raven in now a part of the NWA:TNA! I guess he must have talked.

It looks like Rhyno will be the fourth member of Triple H’s heel group. Rhyno looks forward to never saying anything.

A new WWE policy has their performers forced to be in character at all times. In related news, Dustin Runnels has shot himself.

Now, a small message for Vince McMahon. Do you really think having your wrestlers be in character at all times is going to help business? Exposing who Mankind and Goldust really were did wonders for their characters back in the day. Don’t get me wrong. We love strong characters, and the entire Internet, as well as probably most casual fans, are excited about Nathan Jones and Sean O’Haire based on their promos. At the same time, we know Nathan Jones isn’t an insane maniac and Sean O’Haire isn’t Satan. For you to ask them to present themselves as such at all times is ridiculous. To ask the Hurricane to give interviews as a superhero is ludicrous.

Most, if not all, fans know that wrestling is fake. We knew that when you were making money, and we know it now. Nothing you can do will ever make me believe that Kane is hideous without his mask on in real life. Nothing you can do will make me believe that Scott Steiner and Triple H hate each other in real life. All you can do is make me believe that they truly hate each other through their performances. I believed that Kane was hideous when his mask was ripped off in that performance. I can know things about these people in real life and still believe them in the ring. Maybe I’m rambling, but you’re wrong to take this approach, Vince.

On Smackdown, Bill DeMott fights Rikishi to complete the trilogy of greatest matches ever!

Spanky performs a singing telegram for the Undertaker, and then KICKS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!

Eddie fights Cena in what is being called by many as a match.

A-Train continues his push with (spoiler alert what do you care?) a victory over Rey Mysterio. While some on the Internet are calling A-Train’s push and his victories over talented people like Rey awful, I think those people aren’t looking far enough down the road. Wrestlemania 20, people. A-Train vs. Brock Lesnar for the heavyweight title in front of 15 HUNDRED screaming fans, screaming because of the torture.

Team Angle face Edge and Benoit in a #1 contender match. The winners get a tag team title shot, while the losers have to suffer the indignity of being forced to kiss. Well, Benoit thinks Edge is pretty, so maybe everyone wins.

Rock gives an interview via satellite. The only annoying thing are those clicking noises I kept hearing, and also the satellite feed is kind of bad. One second let me get out my calculator Oh my God. I know why we have satellite disruption! OH MY GOD! IT’S A COUNTDOWN! THE ALIENS ARE HOSTILE, MR. PRESIDENT!

Now, onto someone who has been the butt of a lot of jokes as of late. Well, Nathan Jones is already being labeled a primadonna who is sloppy in the ring. This bald headed man is said to have distain for the wrestling business as a whole, and does not have any interest in working with midcarders. When he does work with them, he is sloppy and injures them, as Nathan did with Matt Hardy. The gigantic Jew is still expected to be a big part of Wrestlemania and is currently the rumored opponent for the Rock. Nathan Jones was said to be extremely upset with himself after his match with Matt Hardy in which Matt was injured, and actually followed Matt to the back with a concerned look on his face. He might be a nice guy, actually. Give him a chance. I’m sorry, but this man has no place in wrestling.

Wait, I got confused there. Let me try this again.

Well, Nathan Jones is already being labeled a primadonna who is sloppy in the ring. Nathan Jones was said to be extremely upset with himself after his match with Matt Hardy in which Matt was injured, and actually followed Matt to the back with a concerned look on his face. He might be a nice guy, actually. Give him a chance.

And

Now, onto someone who has been the butt of a lot of jokes as of late. This bald headed man is said to have distain for the wrestling business as a whole, and does not have any interest in working with midcarders. When he does work with them, he is sloppy and injures them, as Nathan did with Matt Hardy. The gigantic Jew is still expected to be a big part of Wrestlemania and is currently the rumored opponent for the Rock. I’m sorry, but this man has no place in wrestling.

That’s much better. Oh, and I was referring to Goldberg.

Aren’t you guys jealous? I got my hands on a Sean O’Haire promo script before it comes out! Oh, I’ll share it with you guys? How couldn’t I?

Dwarf Tossing
By
WWE Writer #4

Toss the dwarf. He’s small, what is he going to do about it? Toss you back? You enjoy tossing them. They enjoy being tossed. They have to get from place to place somehow. What if you didn’t toss him, and then someone stepped on him? You’d be to blame. There is no rational reason why this dwarf should not be flying through the air as we speak. I’m not telling you something you don’t already know. (Dwarf flies across the screen, giant smile on his puny face.)

Looks like a winner!

The Rock and Roll Express turned up on NWA:TNA last night. Major mark out moment for me, except that I didn’t order the show and I’m too young to know the difference between the Rock and Roll Express and the Midnight Express or any of that crap. But still, my heart was pounding.

Raven and Jeff Jarrett and AJ Styles are apparently playing keep away with the NWA Title Belt, which is better then defending the title. I guess they’re saving up the main title defenses for the PPV.

Tony Schiavone popped up on the PPV, this time playing a complete asshole.

Junk news? Huzzah?

PLUGS

Joe Somar has given his final TNA report, as he is far too busy to write about this crap anymore. Still, he implores you to buy the PPV each week because Ricky Morton GOTS to get paid.

David Murphy is In Praise Of stuff, and he likes to plug me in his column where he really shouldn’t plug anyone. But he did, and thus so do I. It came out on the 24th, so I’m a little late, but better late then never.

John B. Haley likes The Little Things, so he’ll probably like your dick! HAHAHA! To not be sexist, if you are a woman, your breasts. If you are a male Internet fan, your breasts are too big for Haley to like. HAHAHA! Score: Grutman 3, Outraged Fans Who Didn’t Need To Be Insulted By Some Douche Who’s Actually Proud He Wins Net Awards 0!

Well, Ron Gamble is going to die. We all are going to die, but it’s going to happen to Ron sooner then later. Most people at 411 are putting on a brave face, like Ron, who says that he just needs an angioplasty, but I’m not one to beat around the priest. Ron Gamble has been a well respected man, both on the Internet and in life. When he dies 3-5 months from now, he leaves behind not people who are sad and hopeless without him, but people who are prepared for life because of Ron’s influence. Ron Gamble almost brought Jesus into my life. Really, he was | | that close. He has brought joy to throngs of readers, mostly white and male, but all of them better off to have had the Gamble Experience. God Bless You, Ron. Give the big guy a recommendation for me.

Now, I’m about to write about another web site. Some of the people I write about will be very pissed, while some will be delighted. All of you should know that our site is ranked 9,022 on Alexa.com. Yours is 33,846. Consider this a giant plug. Or a slap in the face. It’s meant as both,

LOUNGE CHAIR SHOTS! HAHAHA! SEE, I’M ABOUT TO COVER THE TORCH LOUNGE AND NEVERMIND.

In a recent IWC royal rumble held in the Torch Lounge, I entered the ring only to have my name misspelled and be immediately thrown over the top rope by an insanely powerful Wade Keller. It’s funny how art so often imitates life.

Ah, the Torch Lounge. If 411 is for some reason destroying your credible website as far as hits go, try to imitate it with a subsection. Guys, and I assume most of you are talented writers so I’m not knocking you, but the fact you aren’t just part of the Torch should be taken as a sign of disrespect. In addition to that, I’ve now decided to actually read the Torch Lounge writers to see who’s good and who isn’t, because just assuming they‘re talented doesn‘t make it so.

Mallory Mahling- Hyatte rip off. Funny headline, commentary. Nothing you can’t get at a million other sites.

Pete Nyman- Excellent writer. I truly enjoyed his recent piece about the WWE and its dependence on exploitable pop culture. It doesn’t take long to read and is insightful. He can do without the letters at the end. Too many people do that. Also, you only need to focus on one issue. The bit about Rhyno and Kanyon kind of took away from being able to digest the commentary you had already given.

Robert Igoe- I don’t think it’s fair to review the first article of his I read, which hardly covered wrestling and instead explained Groundhog’s day. Non-wrestling stuff in a wrestling article? How original! Still, he seemed pretty out of it, and most would tear him a new asshole if they were to solely base his ability on this article, so let’s look for another. Found it Raw sucked but his son is sick bad shows are better when life sucks something about Governer Rendell. Okay. I hope your son gets better. He’s nothing special, but not horrendously terrible as the first article I read would suggest. Average.

BJ Bethel- See the above last line. If he and Igoe were to switch columns for a week, I don’t think I could tell the difference. Nothing appalling, nothing memorable.

Gregg Allinson- Seems to be the biggest contributor. What is it with all of you and publishing the letters you get? I get an occasional letter and don’t see the need to stick it down everyone’s throat! It’s awesome to get fan mail, so answer it with a thank you and be done with it. More random thoughts and occasional jokes, albeit with a funny one. I liked the Matt Hardy idea. He plugs his ebay auctions. Okay. Next.

Tony Marshall- He’s pissed off! I like it. You thought Keith was mean? Tony Marshall makes Scott Keith look like a Care Bear. His articles on Raw and Tough Enough are so far the class of the Lounge, along with Peter Nyman.

Derek Burgan- I’m going to look for something other then his IWC Rumble trilogy, which was a mostly funny rip on Flea’s list, which Burgan himself admitted. I can’t find anything else he’s written. Oh well. He misspelled my name. Kind of funny asshole. 1 T!

Mike Sempervive- I see nothing redeeming about his column. Nothing. It was the Superbowl one, so maybe he put in a half hearted effort that week, but it was like my head was in a vice. I did more scanning then reading after a few paragraphs. One of the worst things I have ever read on the Internet, and I’m including Hanging Gardens here. If I should read something else he wrote, if I’m wrong here, tell me. This was just mind numbingly bad.

James Guttman- The reason Burgan misspelled my name. Excellent commentary on Flair. Great slippery slope column. Again, that’s all you need. When you start to talk about everything, you lose me. Still, he deserves a bigger forum for his work.

So Marshall, Nyman and Guttman are great and the rest I could probably go the rest of my life never having to read them again. I’d like to see something else from Burgan, but it’s not a sticking point in my life. The simple truth is that most of these writers are COH (Children of Hyatte) but not nearly as good as dad. (Like me? Nah. I have that fiction thing. Fiction things rule! 2 TIME, 2 TIME!)

Although I don’t have the power to do so, I think it would be good if Nyman or Guttman and maybe even Marshall (though we have angry Scott Keith) were to come to 411, the most viewed wrestling site on the Internet. Your placement on the site and the people you write alongside in your “lounge” is an insult to the quality of your work.

In fact, the one I enjoyed the most was by James Guttman, and he hasn’t written anything for them in a little while. So, I’d like to make an offer to Mr. Guttman. I don’t know if they pay you at the Torch, they don’t pay us here. All I can offer you is probably more then 3 times the readership you already have. While I think Widro and Ashish would gladly have you as a new columnist, if they won’t, I’d gladly give you the first space in my news column. I can type whatever I want and publish whomever I want, and it would be a pleasure to have you as a contributor and hopefully a columnist.

So, I did what little I could to help a great writer. I hope all three of them wind up here, but it probably won’t happen. If they don’t come, be sure to check out those three at The Torch. And keep reading everything here, cause we’re the originals.

IN MEMORIAM
RON GAMBLE
1938-2003
“It could be worse, you know. If I were born three days later, the Song of My Life would be “Everything She Wants,” by Wham!”