A Wrestling News Report 02.13.03

Archive

Okay. You guys are not going to understand this, you probably won’t like it, but I need to do it. I’m asking you to just stick with me on this one for a while, cause you guys are the best fans in the world! Thanks so much.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy, Benjamin Curtis, was arrested for buying a small bag of marijuana. At his arraignment the judge informed Curtis that if he avoids arrest during the next year his case will be dismissed and his records will be expunged. (Headlines from various newspapers with corny jokes such as “Dude, You’re Getting A Cell” are shown in the background) I’m just glad we live in a society with a mass media system that would rather spread the truth then go for the cheap punch line.

The Oscar nominations were announced on Tuesday. Chicago appears to be the front runner having garnered 13 nominations, but Gangs of New York, The Hours, The Two Towers and The Pianist had a strong showing as well, receiving 35 nominations combined. Beat THAT, Chicago!

Eminem was nominated for an Oscar for best song. At the thought of receiving the thin, bald statue, Eminem thought of Moby and flew into a murderous rage.

As of press time, we are still at Code Orange. Weighing in on this frightening time for Americans, one television star remarked, “Mmmm. Orange.”

Osama Bin Laden released a tape on Tuesday, calling Saddam Hussein an “infidel.” Saddam responded by giggling, saying Osama has this thing for calling him nasty names while the two are having sex.

Bin Laden’s tape also called for Iraqi’s to become suicide bombers in order to fight the invading American forces. Bin Laden said he’d do it also, but first they had to do it.

New infections of the HIV Virus and cases of AIDS are up for the first time in a decade. Great. So we’re at Code Orange, it looks like we’re going to war with two countries, our economy is down, the stock market is plummeting, and now AIDS is up! When is anything good going to happen? ANYTHING? (A plate of ice cream slides right in front of me.) No spoon? (Pause, but nothing comes.) Yeah, I’m good. (I begin to eat ice cream with my hands.)

The Sims recently celebrated its three year anniversary, drunk and alone in front of its computer.

Recent comparisons between George W. Bush and Ronald Regan are grossly unfair. Regan was senile; Bush is just… Simple.

Hunter S. Thompson has written a new book in the hopes that another bad movie can be made about his life.

And now, wrestling.

Tonight on Smackdown, Edge fights Charlie Haas in a “WHY THE HELL DID THEY HAVE TO PUSH ALBERT INSTEAD OF MATT? I COULD’VE PUT ON GOOD MATCHES WITH MATT! Now look at me! I’m nothing! I was almost there, and now I’m jobbing to a rookie as a curtain jerker. I’m pathetic. I’m just pathetic,” match.

A new stable arrives to take over the wrestling world! It’s a Full Blown Invasion! Yeah, who are we kidding? They’re gonna job to Rikishi for 2 months, then they’re going to be on Velocity every now and then, and then they’ll be repackaged as pirates or something and get fed to Albert 1 at a time.

Rey Mysterio fights Matt Hardy. If Albert never existed, this match might mean something. But Albert does exist for some reason, so what are you gonna do?

Chris Benoit fights Albert. You’d better get a good match out of him Chris, or next week you’re on Velocity giving Brian Kendrick his first win!

Sean O’Haire (right? O‘Haire or O‘Hare?), Bill DeMott, and Brian Kendrick teach us that sometimes it’s okay to express your feelings. No, not mine. Yours.

The Big Show sends The Undertaker a gift, and what a GRAND (blank) OF HEROES it is. I’m so clever and exhausted. I might not even have time to publicly flog 3 members of the Torch Lounge! Oh, but we’ll make time, because I write for 411wrestling.com and they write for a SUBSECTION!

Shelton Benjamin fights Eddie Guerroro in a five holds barred match. What five holds? Tune into Smackdown, and whatever holds they don’t use, those five. I didn’t sleep last night. Thank God everything I write is gold.

John Cena fights Brock Lesnar in the main event. The longest word you can make combining the letters of their names? Nonchalances. But the highest scoring word? Carjackers. Think about that.

Raw did a 3.9 this week. Everyone is saying it had to do with the whole Eric Bischoff/Stone Cold/Vince McMahon thing, but I think it had more to do with Scott Steiner rescuing Booker T. That was so f*cking romantic I almost puked.

The cause of Curt Hennig’s death is not expected to be announced for 6-8 weeks. Okay, let’s try something new. Unless it was in some way, in any way natural, I don’t want to know about it. Tell the wrestlers, tell the wrestling teachers, tell any one who can learn a lesson from this, but I don’t want to know. He’s dead and we’re sad, and that should be enough.

Torrie Wilson will appear on the cover of Playboy, and it’s about time! I mean, I spend a great deal of time on my computer which has a cable modem and thus is always connected to the Internet. When not surfing movie and wrestling and music sites, I find myself taking surveys or reading an e-text novel. That’s when I’m not doing research or working on this report! When I finally get away from this snooze fest of a machine, I like to have an accessible form of porno handy. Torrie Wilson naked will fill a need the Internet never could in a million years! Damn it, my speaker just broke. I was playing my music too loudly, you know how it works. Only one place to go when you need a new amp, and that’s good old ampland.com. Oh. Oh! Widro, how long has this been here? WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME? And I’ve been writing a wrestling column and working and trying to do something with my life? LOOK AT ALL THIS PORN! Hey, chicks have dicks now! When did this happen? Oh man, I think they have a site with lesbians kissing! Lots of sites.. lotsa sites okay. I’m going to set this on the randomizer for a bit. I’ll be back in a few lines. Enjoy The Junk News Randomizer.

HULK HOGAN and NATHAN JONES were FIRED in the XPW for NOT SHAKING THE UNDERTAKER’S HAND.

THE BLUE MEANIE and RICO were PUSHED TO THE MOON in the ROH for NOT BEING ABLE TO GET A HALFWAY DECENT MATCH OUT OF ALBERT.

VINCE RUSSO and CHRIS CANDIDO were TOLD TO STRIP in the CARNIVAL CIRCUIT for PLAYA HATING.

HURRICANE HELMS and HURRICANE HELMS were GIVEN THE KEY TO THE CITY in the WWE for HOT LESBIAN ACTION.

BRET HART and BONESAW MCGRAW were DISQUALIFIED in the XFL for ARRIVING TO THE ARENA LATE, AND DRUNK.

Okay, and I’m back! Can’t leave this thing on for too long or Widro will realize he doesn’t need me.

PLUGS

Ron Gamble continues to cheat death somehow. To prepared for inevitable, over the next few months we’ll be looking at life of a great man, Ron Gamble. Or should I say the lives of Ron Gamble? Now, before I do this, I have to make something very clear. At some points during this journey through the many magical experiences of Gamble, we will come across contact information. Please, please, please, do not try to contact Ron Gamble. The radiation from a phone call or any e-mail sent to Ron besides the non lethal ronat411@yahoo.com will instantly kill him and get me sued. Just to play it safe, this week we’ll start with an experience without contact info.

We all know of Ron Gamble the Priest, Ron Gamble the Wrestling Columnist, and Ron Gamble the Stablewars player, but how many among us know of Ron Gamble the painter? Cape May County Technical High School was the site of the creation of the greatest piece of art of all time. http://www.capemaytech.com/art/Index.htm. And on this website, right next to this creation which makes the Mona Lisa look like a pile of horse crap left in the sun for 3 days is Ron Gamble’s painting. Just remember, if you find the precious Hoffman, you’ll find the Gamble. Let Ron know you appreciate the art next to his before it’s too late.

Brodie Hubbard was Curt Hennig’s father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate, or something like that, so Brodie always had a vested interest in the death of the man he’s never met. I’m glad that Brodie pointed out his connection to Curt Hennig in his column. I truly believe that if I touch Brodie, even if just for a fleeting moment, I will be connected to Curt in ways I never could have before. A lot of writers may have not writing about themselves and their meaningless connections with a recently deceased wrestler’s family that had nothing to do with the dead wrestler himself, but those writers don’t have the class of our Brodie. Thank you, Brodie. You made me remember all of my favorite Curt Hennig matches. I was able to visualize what may have been, as in my fantasy you were invited to be the date of that girl related to Curt to some kind of family wedding or something. In my fantasy, you’re hanging out by the bar with Mr. Perfect, and he’s touching your shoulder. He whispers something in your ear and shakes your hand wait he didn’t shake your hand! He handed you an engagement ring! My God, was he gay oh. No! He wants you to propose to his cousin! What a great guy! This is the best fantasy ever! If only Curt had lived, you’d be getting married, Brodie. Now instead, you’ll be alone forever.

THE LOUNGE MUST BE TORCHED!

Are you sons of bitches ready for round two? Taking you on as a group may have been a mistake. It’s like the preview for the movie Willard, where all the rats listen to the commands of that guy from Charlie’s Angels who liked hair, and the rats kill as one! Individually, you’re just rats! Together, well, you’re still just 9 rats, and you can’t really team up since you’re separated by uh what’s it called oh yeah! MILES AND MILES OF SPACE! Now, to start with the torture.

I’d like to thank the nice people in the Torch Lounge who mentioned me in their columns this past week. Some were mean, some were nice. GREGG ALLISON, BWAHAHAHAHAHA, even gave me a plug in his column, so I’d like to give one right back to him. I do not know how to do html so here’s the address. Copy and paste, monkeys. http://www.pwtorch.com/artman/publish/article_2569.shtml.

Also, I’d like to make a major correction to my critique. I pretty much called MIKE SEMPERVIVE THE WORST COLUMNIST I‘VE EVER READ! The column I read was awful, but unlike other columnists I reviewed I did not give Mike the benefit of the doubt and decided not to read another one. Well, Mike Sempervive was so angry over my critique that he e-mailed me an apology for doing such terrible work. He knew the column I read was bad, and the reason he knew this was because he could do and has done much better work. He didn’t think it was important that I like him because I’m a big writer for 411 or any of that crap. Mike saw me simply as a first time reader who got the wrong impression. He e-mailed me some of his columns, I read them, and I was very impressed with most of them. We all have a terrible column from time to time, and I should not have judged Mike on one of his worst. He’s gained a fan.

DANNY BURGAN sent me some of his work, after I once again showed my awesome tech geek abilities by being unable to access his columns through that search thingy. Everyone who e-mailed me about him was right. The guy is an amazing talent and hilariously funny. Still, he did misspell my name. 1 T, you brilliant asshole.

And that’s that. See yall next week.

IN MEMORIAM
RON GAMBLE
1955-2003
“Does anyone know where I can find a copy of ‘Fortress America'”