Hello and welcome back to the Weekend Hotline, the only news report on 411 written by someone who’s name starts with a D.
Week 8 of the weight-loss program mandated by God has concluded, and the Friday weigh in has me at 231. For those keeping track at home, that’s 7 pounds in 8 weeks, which is about what I was hoping for. It’s not exactly averaging 1 lb/week, but it’s close enough to keep me happy.
As you well know, this weekend is Valentine’s weekend, which means y’all reading this column are either in a really happy place cuz you got some ass last night, or really depressed because you were reduced to corralling your own tadpoles on Valentine’s Night. Personally, I’m a little bit pissed because I got NO ASS LAST NIGHT. Freakin Tori Amos tickets, roses, and a nice dinner and all that netted me ZERO ASS.
Two more weeks, Tom two more weeks until you’re out of the parent’s house and into your own that’s it.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m in the process of purchasing a townhouse. Rather than rent a place in Albany for $750 – $1000 per month, I’ve decided to invest in a house. The general idea is that they’re building a brand-spanking new Technology Park within five minutes of the joint over the next ten years. Of course, it means my commute to work is 40 minutes instead of 15 but it’s 45 now, so I’m moving CLOSER. I figure getting a joint that I’ll eventually be able to get a return on is smarter than flushing rent money for the next X years.
I better get make-up nookie for the lack of it on Valentine’s Day that’s all I got to say. I mean, masturbating is fun and all, but it gets so OLD after awhile.
For all you guys that raped your hand last night don’t worry, it’ll get better. Just find that one special girl, and it’ll all be ok. Or, just find that equally depressed chick who was alone last night and hop in the sack with her. Hurry though, the Valentine’s Day Window of Depressiontm is only open for a couple more days. Find that equally desperate woman and get some ass, baby.
As per usual, let’s start with the:
Mailbag
Aaron C: I enjoyed your Weekend Hotline column. Just thought I’d drop you a note on the subject of weight-loss; unless you count it as a “crazy diet”, the low-carb diet is absolutely wonderful for weight loss. You may already be familiar with it, but it involves cutting your daily carbohydrate to under 60 grams per day. I went with this diet a few months ago, and I honestly lost 10 or 15 pounds in 4 weeks; my pants went from semi-tight to hardly wearable without a belt :) The only drawback to this diet is the fact that you can’t eat any refined sugar products (which are horrible for the health anyways), very little fruit, and basically no starchy foods like breads, potatoes, pastas, cereals, and such.
Any no carb/low carb diet scares the blue hell out of me. I’ve read nothing but success stories about them, but nothing but bad things about the heath consequences of it. The way you did it seems to work out perfect but with the amount I need to lose to be happy again, it just scares me to be on anything that basically takes away the shit your body runs on for an extended period of time. Not to mention the hell you put your live through to filter out all the extra protein and dear god, I take massive shits on a normal day I can’t even imagine on a high protein diet.
Also, I have a really bad feeling that I’d be very bad at easing back into a normal eating schedule and not just stuffing it all back on.
But Congrats I hope to be printing the same kind of success story of my own come this time next year. Maybe I’ll write my own book: The Fat Fuck’s Guide to Dropping 50.
Dwight: wrestling needs more MIDGETS!!!
Hallelujah and Happy New Year, buddy. Preach on.
I’m pretty sure EC wrote me, but I won’t swear to it nor will I run the letter in case it wasn’t him but if it was Nice to know that someone from the site actually comes here on the weekends.
Michael L: I have been reading this website for 2 years now. I am 27, college educated, and my question is what is considered a good rating for RAW and Smackdown? I use to like your website but it seems that everyone who reports and writes columns is become more and more negative about these shows. Obviously as we get older there is a certain luster that wears off toward wrestling entertainment. But I still watch for the entertainment aspect off it, not to watch and critique everything that happens. I would like to see a section posted that does nothing but talk positively about WWE and reports the things WWE did well or that they liked. Sometimes as I am reading these articles, everyone seems to be getting to technical. I hope to see a change, otherwise I will stop visiting this site. Not sure if anyone cares at 411wrestling, but I do know that there are a lot of Fans, just like me, that are getting tired of the criticism week-end and week-out of something we grew up enjoying…………
RELAX…………..ENJOY……………..
Now, I decided to run this letter, because I average about one of these per month, as I’m pretty sure most of the other writers on the site do, too. To address it, I guess I figure a good rating for Raw and/or Smackdown to be between a 4.5 and a 5.0. Of course, keep in mind, with this, that during the height of the Austin era, the WWE was banging high 6’s and 7’s every week there’s no reason they had to lose this fanbase, other than the fact, like Bischoff, they had no idea what to do once their money angle played itself out. During the time the Austin/Vince era was going strong, they should have been focusing efforts on OTHER storylines, too stuff to keep people interested for when the big feud blew itself out.
That being said, I do my best to keep a neutral outlook on a lot of the stuff that happens on both shows. If something is good, I’ll say I enjoyed it but the fact of the matter is: the bad has FAR outweighed the good in the last few (many) months. Matt Hardy, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, the Angle/Lesnar feud = good. Albert pushed over Matt Hardy, the Invasion, the ECW stuff = bad. If you go over the last year or two and all the major money things they COULD have done and decided NOT to do, it’s just ridiculous.
I watch wrestling from a writer’s perspective. It was almost my major. I notice gaping storyline plots. I notice gaps in continuity. They are inexcusable. If you are going to run a storyline that covers weeks, months, and years pay attention to what you’re doing. The audience has to be able to follow the storyline if they don’t get it, they’re not going to try. This is also why I said a couple weeks ago it’s not MY responsiblility to keep up with the weekend shows like Heat and Velocity. If something happens that is key to the storyline, it’s THEIR job to tell me on Raw or Smackdown and then SHOW me it happening so maybe, next week, I’ll tune in to Heat or Velocity. But, if they say something one week, then something different the next week I can’t follow the storyline I roll my eyes and turn on CSI.
Vince has done his level best to move into an “entertainment†show but he’s a wrestling promoter trying to write and manage episodic television. He’s out of his element and all the writer’s he hires are writing to satisfy him, and it’s not helping the product any.
What you see on these sites are a lot of people who are hardcore wrestling fans and they don’t want the WWF to suck but goddammit, they’re going to point it out when it does. Some of them go overboard and hate just about everything [*coff* scottkeith *HACK*], but for every one of them, you have someone who tries to keep a generally positive outlook, like Flea.
But, if you don’t like reading negative criticisms of the shows, you’ll just have to start visiting WWE.com for all your news. 1BOB hates everything WWE, LordsofPain just isn’t worth reading, Keller and Meltzer just dish dirt. If you want generally neutral Op-Ed, you come here and the negative outweighs the positive lately so that’s what you’re going to get.
Do I know how much of each? Hell no, I don’t even know how much of each will be in this column, because I haven’t written it yet but we’ll find out together.
Top Story
Further proof that the WWE has no idea where it’s going from week to week, word on the street says they are getting ready to release D’Lo Brown from his contract, thus continuing their streak of starting a push for a guy, using it for a month or so, then randomly releasing them. Nothing like trying to confuse the fanbase further than they already are.
According to 1Bob, the WWF gave D’Lo a month notice that he will be released next month. All this on the heels of a brand, spanking new push complete with manager Teddy Long, who they called out of limbo to become D’Lo’s mouthpiece.
Personally, I don’t care whether or not D’Lo is released or not, but what in the blue hell was the point of pushing him for a month if they are just planning on firing him? Well Daniels, you say, they must not have thought they were going to fire him then. So, lemme get this straight the guy is responsible for paralyzing another human being from the neck down, and that only got him demoted to OVW for a year. Now, he gets a push, and managed to START to get over with it and this earns him a shitcan?
This is the third in an odd streak of releases, the first being Bull Buchanan, who has never exactly hit it off with the fanbase, but who was doing reasonably well for himself as John “Yogurt†Cena’s BOOYAH lacky. People were bringing BOOYA signs, for God’s Sake. After ALL the crap they put him through with the Truth Commission, the RTC, and the Big Goddam Bossman’s underling he finally starts to get over with something, and they end up replacing him with a fat, talentless lob who has already proven that he sucks. What, does he give Yogurt more credit because he’s darker skinned than Bull?
So following Bull, you have Raven who came back to Raw after an extensive program on Heat (that I don’t feel confident to comment on because, well, I got better things to do than watch Heat clipping toenails and watching the carpet grow come to mind), and stalks Test and Stacy for a week. After that storyline was introduced, dropped, and forgotten in record time he gets a new look, cuts his hair, and has a major storyline planned and they inexplicably cut him for no reason.
And the latest, D’Lo Brown who was taken out of OVW Limbo two years-ish after the accident that left Droz a paralyzed mess. They push him, give him Teddy Long and now they cut him for no good reason. Why? He’s a good wrestler, exciting to watch, and Peanuthead Long works as his manager. All this, plus a semi-controversial angle that’s a bit more amusing than “we hate the local sports team†should mean that they’re behind him. Instead, they tell him he’s out and all the while CRASH GODDAM F’N HOLLY REMAINS GAINFULLY EMPLOYED.
So, by current WWF logic does this mean Sean O’Haire, who possibly has one of the most interesting character’s of the last few years, is next on the chopping block. I mean, they’ve spent plenty of money on production packages for him. He’s got new tatts, a new look, and any trace of WCW has been deleted from him (tag titles? What tag titles?). Is he now the next to go?
1 Negative, 0 Positve thus far.
Old News by now, but
Flea was the one who delivered me the sad news about Curt Hennig’s death on Monday evening. It’s a shame. I was never a huge fan of Hennig’s after he left the WWF and the Mr. Perfect character the first time around. Later on, I realized how badly the WWF ripped him in not giving them more than they did over time.
And, of course, the touching tribute the Raw brand (who drafted him, by the way, during the Brand Extension) of the one f’n second “In Memory of†blurb. I’m going to hold out hope they are going to do something for him this Monday, now that they’ve had a bit of time to prepare.
My favorite Mr Perfect/Hennig moment is a funny one. It was during the “feud†with Master P, when Hennig was basically supposed to look like an asshole for coming to the ring and goofing Master P and the No Limit Retards. In Bischoff’s strange little world, this was supposed to make Hennig a heel but it effectively turned him face for the duration of the feud. Oh yeah, Bisch, your audience is 85% white and probably hates Master P. Dumb bastard.
You can read a profile of Hennig’s career up to early 2002 right here in the 411 Profiles Section. Hopefully, someone updates this sometime soon. If not, I’ll probalby do it myself. Does Ziegler even work here anymore?
Positve 1, Negative 1.
There’s a PPV Coming up?
No Way Out is on it’s way, and so far doesn’t seem to be burning up the phone lines with orders. So far we got: Roid Heads Collide Chapter 2, Newly Heeled Rock vs The Legend Hulk Hogan, Undertaker vs Big Show, Lesnar/Edge/Benoit vs Team Angle, Jericho vs Test, and Kidman vs Matt Hardy.
Ah yes, exactly where Matt Hardy belongs in the cruiserweight division. See, Matt Hardy made the cardinal mistake one can make on WWE television of late. He went and got entertaining. Silly boy. We can’t have that especially with no mid-card belt.
Undertaker vs Big Show since when did they even have an issue. Didn’t Undertaker come out to wreck Kanyon this week for no good reason? The Big Show wasn’t even anywhee to be seen. Come to think of it, ahs the Big Show even been on since Royal Rumble?
We’ll look more at this card in depth in next week’s Weekend Hotline, as I have a column that basically writes itself. Yeaaaaaaah PPVs.
Negative 2, Positive 1
New Creative
In an interesting move, especially with the recent push to get the talent OUT of the creative end of the show, Tommy Dreamer has been moved into the Raw creative team with Brian Gewirtz, the current head writer. Gewirtz has some issues writing for a wrestling show, and it comes through in the current state of Raw, where you get about 20 minutes of wrestling time per hour. The general idea is: Dreamer is a wrestler and a fan, and he knows what should be on a wrestling program. To Understand Tommy Dreamer, first read Hyattes excellent And Another Thing about him. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
Seriously, read it.
OK, good now, even with the push to get the talent out of the creative, Vince HAS to realize it’s a good idea to get someone in there who has a head and a love for the business in the back. Tommy loves wrestling, plain and simple. If he didn’t, he would have retired years ago. The guy is basically crippled and he’s still, I think, only in his twenties. But it doesn’t stop him. Tommy knows he’s not a main eventer. Tommy is not going to push himself to the moon. Tommy was THE man in ECW for the last few years of it’s existance, and he can only boast a 15 minute-ish title reign. He’s never balked from putting guys over, and he probably knows what sells.
The Internet shouldn’t start getting on him either. Just because HHH monopolizes what goes on when his head is in creative doesn’t mean the talent shouldn’t have a representative back there. Preferably one with a head on their shoulder’s and who isn’t primarily in the world title scene and will probably never get there. See also: Raven.
Creative, as I’ve said many times before, needs a good, stiff shot in the arm. Hopefully Tommy can be the guy to sit there and say “dude, that’s crap wrestling fans don’t want to see this.†Hopefully, Vince will listen to him when he has something to say and hopefully he stays as far away from HHH from possible.
Negative 2, Positive 2
The Demon Spawn grows closer
<Eric S mode>
Somehow or other, Trip has put the final moves on The Bitch of the Baskervilles and word on the street is that the two are engaged as of Valentine’s Day. Can you imagine the demon spawn that these two will produce? A bloated demon-child that ruptures eardrums in a sixty mile radius when it gets hungry.
Not only do I fear for our love of wrestling but for the safety of the universe once the Anti-Christ is born unto SMH. You thought the McMahon-Helmsley Era was bad when it was just in storylines? Just wait.
Shane sell your shares and run run far and run hard.
</Eric S Mode>
They Signed Who?
Another set of interesting news coming out of NWA:TMJ according to their website, Tenacious Z has accepted a contract with the WWE. For those of you who don’t know, Tenacious Z is also known as Zachary Gowen also known as the One Legged Wonder.
Yes, that’s right the WWE’s new wrestler has One Leg.
I have no comments on this story, I just look forward to seeing the guy perform. In a sick, car-wreck kinda way.
Not to say the guy doesn’t have talent he must I’m just uber-curious to see it.
On the other hand, it looked like a poorly trained monkey designed his website. He should get Widro, who is, at least, a talented monkey.
In Other Reading
The aforementioned EC Ostermeyer Squeezes Your Mind with a discussion of the Trigger Effect. What is it? Click the goddam link you lazy foock.
Dino Zucconi and Raywat Deonandan both have random crap columns. One takes a cheap shot at Mr Perfect and one went to Guatemala. Guess which is which and win a Flea porno*.
Scott Keith’s Feedback Feedbag makes a visit to the main page. Here to stay, I would assume.
Nason takes the Unpopular Opinion again in this week’s Fight Club. He can do that, because he is Nason and you will listen.
Also, if you ever wanted some insight to the guy who helps run this little shindig, check out Flea’s Interview of Widro. See Widz play humble after firing me five times and that was just last week!
Luckily, the fact that I’m coding some of the new site and the INSANE AMOUNT OF HITS THE WEEKEND HOTLINE DOES forced him to reconsider. Actually, he didn’t reconsider. So far as I know, I’m still fired. And with good reason, I’m sure.
In Conclusion
See buddy, I ran four op/ed news chunks and was positive with two and negative with two. That’s about par for the course for me. You can find writers who enjoy being positve as much as negative although, as it’s been said before, many writers feel smarter if they criticize something and call it dumb and pointless. Personally, I only try to call it dumb and pointless if it was actually dumb and pointless.
Crazy.
Regardless, I’m assuming Pank will be in on Monday, then your mid-week fill of Flea, Grut, and Ashish and I’ll be back here sometime on Saturday. Remember, look for me on the Music end come Tuesday, and if you’re in a band, send me free shit and I will pimp it for you!
Till then, this is the Weekend Hotline and I’m Daniels.
* That is to say, a porno with two fleas making whoopie while biting a dog. This has nothing to do with 411’s own Flea and, so far as we know, he has never been in a porno. If he has been, his officially five times cooler than even we gave him credit for.
