To say that Ultimate War was the worst comic book of all time would be a bit of a stretch and a whole lot of overkill. Heck, there were moments here and there that I did enjoy, and there have certainly been comics where there was absolutely nothing that I liked. However, Ultimate War was far and away the biggest disappointment of 2002/2003 (so far) to this reader, and that’s coming from a guy who as of tomorrow will own a complete fifty-issue run of DC’s Titans, so it’s not like I’m unfamiliar with crap.
The biggest problem I have with this “event†mini-series is simple: nothing happens! Let me rephrase that…nothing happens that couldn’t have just happened in four issues of the rapidly-declining Ultimate X-Men. The interaction between the Ultimates and the X-Men in issues one through three was practically non-existent, but the pay off was to have been that the you-know-what would hit the fan in this issue. From where I’m sitting, that didn’t happen.
The much promised “all out war†between the two teams left the reader wanting, to say the least. I can probably count on one hand the number of actual battle sequences rendered. Mostly it’s just a lot of explosions and talking. And the worst part of it all is that when the big battles do take place, they’re not even shown! Thor swoops in, complete with splash page, promising to kick Storm’s impudent ass…and next thing we know we’ve got Beast running around in the sewers while Thor kicks some dude with white hair wearing Storm’s costume in an itsy-bitsy panel. Next we hear of Thor, his ass has been kicked but good by Colossus (who also managed to take out Iron Man in one panel), with no explanation given. I for one would love to have seen the fight where inexperienced Colossus takes out the god of thunder; I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, but if it did, I want to SEE it.
So we’ve got no fight, but plenty of yapping, and as has been the case in every issue of Ultimate X-Men since, like, #6 (don’t read Ultimates, so don’t know if this is the case there too), the yapping is clichéd and lame. Why is it that every character in the Ultimate Marvel Universe (with the exception of Spider-Man, apparently, who coincidentally is not written by Mark Millar) is supremely arrogant and oh-so-witty? Why is it that Russian farm boy Colossus, experienced super-soldier Captain America, mutant rights father figure Charles Xavier, hot-to-trot Russian spy Black Widow, scared kid Kitty Pryde, and wacko mutie Wolverine all have essentially interchangeable dialogue? If I were to give you the quote “What’s it gonna be freak? What’s a tough guy like you gonna say to something like that, huh?†could you honestly tell me whether it was said by Fury or Iceman? For the love of pete, Jean Grey’s friggin’ father, a run of the mill human clipping his daisies, was cool as steel when confronted by a pint-sized bombshell with wings two issues back. Millar seems to have forgotten that old Marvel adage that comics are better with actual point-of-view characters; y’know, characters we, the reader, can actually relate to. Because if I’m a teenager being hounded by the most powerful people on the planet or a government schlep asked to bring in the most dangerous fugitives alive, I’m sure as hell not going to be telling my opponent to “Stay down, idiot.â€
Here’s who comes out of Ultimate War looking semi-useful and cool: Wolverine, Iceman & Hawkeye; everybody else is more or less made to look incompetent. Oh yeah, and then there’s Colossus, who apparently can whip Thor and Iron Man without breaking a sweat, we just have no idea how. And then there’s Captain America. I’d heard a lot about just how bad “Ultimate†Cap was, but this was my first real exposure to him; ouch. This is one of the two most inspirational characters in comics (the other being Superman, who now with “Ultimate†Cap on the scene pretty much has the number one spot sewn up), a guy who is a great character not because he is “bad-ass,†but because in a world of shallow tough guys he is an actual, honest-to-god good guy…and Mark Millar has reduced him to just another jerk who knows how to pull a trigger; awesome.
I used to be a big proponent of the Ultimate concept, but I’m turning against it more and more each day. I don’t even care anymore that the characters seem so strange and foreign (with the exception of Captain America…some things should be sacred), that’s the nature of the imprint (it works better here than, say, in New X-Men). What bothers me more is that Mark Millar seems to have gotten lazy; he knows that the Ultimate titles sell, so he seems to be content just writing legions of the same character, but with different names and different costumes or powers, saying witty things and acting cool because they think they’re untouchable. The only Ultimate title still hitting on all cylinders right now is Ultimate Spider-Man, because it combines a realistic protagonist (Peter Parker has always been a great character because he is flawed, just like us. Unlike the characters in Ultimate X-Men or Ultimates, he actually seems unsure from time to time, making it all the more gratifying when he succeeds) with a sense of fun. That’s what the Ultimate concept should be about: taking the Marvel Universe back to basics and making it fun for a whole new generation.
In as few words as possible, Mark Millar is busy trying to make his books cool when I’d rather they were just fun; Mr. Millar, you’re capable of better.
