Junk News, Huzzah! 03.06.03

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Welcome to Junk News, Huzzah! It’s a new name for an old news column as we take the 411 moniker straight to the top of monikers! Unless I get lazy, as I am apt to do, this column will cover most of the junk news in wrestling, movies, television and whatever else distracts me for a few seconds. Movies will be short, while wrestling and television will make up most of the column. Basically, it’s just like the old column, but with more nah. It’s just like the old column.

Flea was not lying, as I do have an official website somewhere on the Internet ready to take down 411mania! Actually, it’s more like a resume and a portfolio of my writing, so I probably won’t be asking Flea to contribute. If you’re looking to start up a website and are looking for a brilliant person to help you set it up at a reasonable price, check out www.setyoursite.com and my good friend Zach Lipsky, who specializes in inexpensive custom webhosting. If you don’t have enough money to pay for a new site because of bad credit, go to www.endbadcredit.com, where bad credit will cease to be a problem thanks to Flea’s friend.

Shall we get started?

WRESTLING JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

The big story this week is that Kurt Angle may not be going to Wrestlemania to face Brock Lesnar thanks to a career delaying injury to his neck. He needs surgery as soon as possible, and will miss action for a year. Vince McMahon released the following statement while at the hardware store buying some rope. “Kurt Angle is one of the most respected performers this company has ever had, and we will all band together to overcome this setback.”

Edge is undergoing spinal cord fusion and will be out for a year. Vince McMahon released the following statement at his home in Connecticut while fashioning the rope into a noose. “Edge is one of the most respected performers this company has ever had, and we will all band together to overcome this setback. In fact, just think of how great it will be when Edge and Kurt Angle return at the same time.”

Batista and Randy Orton and Bubba Ray Dudley were all injured recently in the same match at the same house show. All, with the possible exception of Bubba, are expected to miss significant ring time. Vince McMahon released the following statement while standing on a shaky chair with the noose around his neck. “Randy Orton, Batista and Bubba Ray are three of the most respected performers this company has ever had, and we will all band together to overcome this setback. These three men are going to play a large role in the future of this company.”

At the Smackdown tapings, Spike Dudley stubbed his toe. Vince McMahon could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy “hanging from the rafters.” Vince, no one wants to see you rehash an old Sting gimmick.

Despite all of these injuries, the brass in the WWE should remember that this isn’t the end of the world. That happened last week when they closed the restaurant.

Kurt Angle was recently talking about his neck problems and how sad it was that he wouldn’t be able to wrestle in the main event at Wrestlemania. Shawn Michaels consoled him, saying, “Oh yeah! You don’t want to job your title in the main event at Wrestlemania when you have a career threatening injury. I mean, you wouldn’t want to launch the Brock Lesnar era at great personal expense to yourself. Years later, people wouldn’t care. You’d still be the guy who screwed over Bret Hart. I gotta go! That’s my music.” Due to problems stemming from his many injuries, Shawn Michaels thought he heard his entrance music and walked into oncoming traffic.

On the brighter side of wrestling news, Raw’s rating shot up to a 4.5 thanks to the return of Steve Austin. Even better, much as the Rock did with The Hurricane and Booker T, Stone Cold helped create 3 stars on Monday night, putting over 3 Minute Warning by kicking the crap out of all three guys in about a half a minute. While HHH could learn something from the Rock, it appears he’s enrolled at Stone Cold University.

D-Lo has been a very good sport about this whole firing thing, and Vince has said that the door may be open for D-Lo to remain unemployed.

Now it’s time to spoil Smackdown, so I left it in the sun for a few hours.

We begin with a cruiserweight three-way for the honor of facing the champion at Wrestlemania. I’m not sure if they meant Brock Lesnar or Matt Hardy, but it’d be kind of cool to see a Rey/Brock main event.

The FBI fought The FBS. The f’ers won.

Matt Hardy fought Billy Kidman in a title match. Combine their names, and you get Mally Hardman, Irish Pornstar.

Nidia tries to get into Playboy and fails, but she’ll apparently get naked on the girls gone wild PPV. Man, they stole my idea for a PPV! The only difference is that mine would have been 5 hours of monkeys with guns.

The Undertaker teaches Nathan Jones how to wrestle. That’s kind of like asking Tenacious Z to teach you how to tap dance.

The Undertaker fights A-Train with The Big Show and Nathan Jones both at ringside. Wrestlemania dream match, here we come!

Rhyno and Benoit fight Team Angle, or as they’ll soon be known, that black guy and the white guy.

John Cena does another rap about Lesnar. Cena seems to be the only unattached guy for Wrestlemania who could go against Lesnar. That would be kind of underwhelming, maybe.

Brock Lesnar fights Paul Heyman to set up Angle versus Lesnar for next week’s Smackdown. And that’s just about that.

Chris Jericho has accepted Howard Stern’s challenge to a battle of the bands. Good job, Chris. Remember, you want your music to be as closely related to Howard Stern’s as possible.

Has Goldberg now officially signed with the WWE? Oh God, I hope so! There aren’t enough people injured already.

Just saw NWA:TNA. Between Vince Russo saying he didn’t want to die without a family like Curt Hennig and Kid Kash immediately associating the words “Paul Heyman” with “Jewish”, this might have been the most offensive wrestling show of all time. Congratulations, NWA:TNA! You’ve done it!

Also, you should’ve seen the match between Raven and Sandman. Raven knows how to bleed. Why’d the WWE ever fire that guy? Must’ve had something to do with HHH.

MOVIE JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Jeremy Piven and Simon Rex have been added to the cast of Scary Movie 3, which will lampoon the terrifying Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies. This has blockbuster written all over it thanks to that kid with a can of spray paint.

Julianne Moore has agreed to star in The Forgotten, a movie about Dave Gagnon. (Just kidding, Dave.)

Coming out this Friday, Bruce Willis’ Tears of the Sun will go up against Steve Martin’s Bringing Down the House. So consider which you’d rather see, Windtalkers rehashed or House Party rehashed. Either way, you win.

With the Oscar’s coming up soon, I thought it would be nice if I gave some predictions each week for the big catergories. For supporting actor, I really liked Philip Seymour Hoffman in Punch Drunk Love, but he wasn’t nominated, so instead I’ll pick that guy from Adaption. For Best Supporting Actress, I’ll go with Kathy Bates who gave me enough masturbation material for 8 years in About Shmidt or however you spell it. This has been my weekly Oscar predictions, although you know that cause you just read them.

TELEVISION JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Every day, some idiot on the street comes up to me and says, “Josh! What should I watch on primetime television each week?” I despise idiots, yet I feel compelled to tell them. Now, I share the knowledge with you idiots.

First of all, from Monday to Thursday at 11:00 pm or 1:00 am, check out The Daily Show with John Stewart. Great stuff.

THURSDAY, MARCH 6

8:00- 10:00 UPN WWE Smackdown. I mean, come on! With Kurt Angle heading towards a long and painful recovery, we gotta get as much Olympic goodness as we can before he’s gone. While wrestling fans can live without seeing Raw, Smackdown is obviously the must see show. With two cruiserweight matches and Benoit and Rhyno versus Team Angle, as well as Kurt Angle’s final angle for a while, this sounds like good viewing. From 8:30 to 9:00, try to give Scrubs a flip every now and then.

10:00-11:00 MTV True Life: I’m A Binge Drinker. This is an important commentary on the results of binge drinking (Flea). This is important to everyone who knows someone who has let alcohol take over their life (people who know Flea.). The True Life series has really impressed me, and with no ER, this is where to go.

FRIDAY, MARCH 7

8:00-11:00 Major Movie Channels. Friday has traditionally been a shitty night for broadcast television since The X-Files left the time slot, but now it really sucks. I liked the lesbian Fast Lane, but the repeat is not on that night. Instead, Starz once again shows Lord of The Rings, Cinemax shows Courage Under Fire, and at 8:30 Showtime presents Jerry Maguire, my choice for the night if I were staying home. All three movies are awesome and deserve repeated viewings.

SATURDAY, MARCH 8

8:00-9:30 Starz Monsters, Inc. Between this movie and The Queen of the Damned on HBO, the choice is obvious. Watch as computer animation continues to blow traditional animation out of the water with this hilarious film. Billy Crystal is funny again! The plot is ingenious! Kids and adults can watch it together! Monsters, Inc. is the best family film since Toy Story 2.

9:30-11:00 HBO Klitschko vs. Sanders and Ruiz vs. Jones. While I’ve heard that the Ruiz/Jones bout was boring as hell, I’m interested in seeing a guy who should be nicknamed Klit in the ring.

SUNDAY, MARCH 9

7:00-9:00 Fox Sunday. Simpsons, King of the Hill, Simpsons, and why not give that Malcom in the Middle in the past type show Oliver Bean a look? Unless you despise animation, these choices are easy and always good for a laugh. It doesn’t matter the content of the episodes, you’ll always get something good.

9:00-10:00 HBO Six Feet Under. Another easy choice. The show that apparently now defies the laws of time and space and death is back for another go. Awesomeness is sure to erupt in this episode as Kathy Bates begins her guest appearance as a friend of Ruth’s sister. Kathy Bates always brings the awesome.

MONDAY, MARCH 10

8:00-9:00 FOX Boston Public. A teacher’s sex scandal, a spy for the mayor, and that girl from American Idol are the focus of the best high school show on television since Head of the Class. Also, that girl who had the lesbian crush on the cute young teacher might show up at any moment to force lesbian rape on Geri Ryan, so tune in! Do not stay a second past 9, or you will see Married By America, perhaps the worst concept for a show for everyone except divorce lawyers that I’ve ever heard of.

9:00-11:00 The Movie Channel Kingpin. Okay, I’ll be watching RAW, some of you might be watching the Practice, but the most overlooked Farrelly Brother’s movie is on The Movie Channel, and it is the best thing on television that night.

TUESDAY, MARCH 11

8:00-9:00 UPN Buffy the Vampire Slayer. A funny repeat, where all of the girls (including lesbian Willow) fall in love with a high school jock because of his jacket. Although it will soon be no more, this is the best series on television.

9:00-9:30 NBC Fraiser. Thanks a lot, American Idol! Yeah, we need two hours of that crappy show instead of 24. Instead, the old standby that is Fraiser Crane will delight you with his witty remarks about being smarter and more classy then everyone else.

9:30-10:00 Comedy Central South Park. Feeling dirty after having your IQ raised a point? Have it raised a couple of more points without feeling so snobbish. In this rerun of the series that just keeps getting better as it gets less and less popular, Chef protests the town’s flag in a parody of the Confederate Flag controversy. Just tune in to see what the flag looks like. It’s hilarious.

10:00-11:00 FX The Shield. Just another day? Not f*cking likely! Although the preview isn’t up yet, I have yet to see one bad episode of this show. While I don’t want it to go off the air, I can’t wait for the season finale, in which people gonna die! If you’d rather see Spoonie Love on Crank Yankers until 11, you can catch the repeat of The Shield from 11-12.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 12

8:00-9:00 TBS Seinfeld reruns. Yeah, I know. I just don’t like That 70’s Show that much.

9:00-10:00 NBC The West Wing. The liberal paradise has been good when I’ve been able to catch it. I’m usually busy on Wednesday’s, but I try to make it a point to see this show and

10:00-11:00 Comedy Central South Park and Chapelles Show. Dave Chapelle is hilarious. South Park is hilarious. If Comedy Central could buy the rights to Da Ali G show, and put it on after the Daily Show, this would be quite possibly the funniest 2 hour block EVER on television. Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn is pretty good, though. Keep it on Comedy Central until 12.

If you disagree with my picks, you can politely go suck a fat one.

PLUGS!

Robert Ortega the Second has a new Raw Lines up. Show it to your friends and be all like, “I get it!” Then when they ask you to explain it, slink away in shame.

John B Haley loves the Rock! Oh yeah? If you love him so much, why don’t you have sex with him? Huh? Really, why don’t you?

Tom Livingston present a column called From The Mouth of El Dandy. He covers the Invasion. Not bad stuff.

I wish I was an Ostermeyer E.C. That’s what I would truly like to be. Then I could write a column call Mind Squeezins. And everyone would be in love with me!

I have a new Wrestling Tale up called Amazing. It’s pretty good.

The week, we skip the Ron Gamble Experience and I ask you guys to keep him in your thoughts. He had an operation, and I really don’t want him to die just yet. I’m in the pool for March 26th. Let us pray for the boot licking painter priest.

JOSH’S CORNER OF THE SKY, CAUSE HE’S EXACTLY LIKE PIPPIN.

I’d like to take a moment and comment on the new site. It’s good.

Now I’d like to take a moment and comment on a problem I had with someone last week. Actually, nah, Brodie’s gone now. I’ll only say that I don’t have enough power to get anyone kicked out of this club, that Brodie screwed Brodie. You ever see a picture of the guy? That’s a pretty vile image in my head, Brodie screwing himself. Okay, it’s gone.

Finally, I’d like to give a shout out to everyone who has read me for the past few years. I don’t know how long this is going to continue, but it’s cool to entertain a great bunch of people like yourselves. Keep reading, and I’ll keep writing. Thanks.

This has been a work of genius by Joshua Grutman.