The SmarK Rant for Juggalo Championshit Wrestling, Volume One.
– As sent to me by Jason Parker, this is a Smarks-EXCLUSIVE rant. Besides, there’s too many dick jokes and swear words for Wrestleline.
– Your hosts, as it were, are Luscious Johnny Stark, Diamond Donovan Douglas (aka “3DÃ¢â‚¬Â, played by Violent J) and Handsome Harry Guestello (aka “GuidoÃ¢â‚¬Â, played by Shaggy 2 Dope)
– The Insane Clown Posse, owners of the promotion, cut a promo welcoming everyone to the show and basically promising to take over the wrestling world. They bring out their #1 guy, Evil Dead, who is apparently an actual dead body brought to life for the sole purpose of winning the JCW World title, and NOT, as vicious rumors have insinuated, Violent J’s brother wearing a stupid rubber mask.
– We get some celebrity cameos, including “SlashÃ¢â‚¬Â, “Hulk HoganÃ¢â‚¬Â and “Slim AnusÃ¢â‚¬Â. The latter is a guy dressed like Eminem, who is soundly booed by the crowd.
– Iron Shiek is interviewed about his match tonight, but the announcers cut in out of boredom and go to the next segment.
– Meanwhile, Abdullah the Butcher beats up two guys before he even gets out of the parking lot and into the building! The ICP are just riffing on wrestling cliches a mile a minute, nothing that he’s cutting one victim open “like a loaf of warm breadÃ¢â‚¬Â.
– Lucha Libre Style match: The Iron Sheik v. Izzy High. The previously mentioned “Crackpipe on a poleÃ¢â‚¬Â stipulation is not in evidence, sadly. Izzy is dressed like a high school stoner. Sheik attacks to start, with ICP just verbally destroying the Sheik’s slowed-down attacks and breaking kayfabe with every sentence. I’m DYING listening to this stuff. Sheik chokes him out as “GuidoÃ¢â‚¬Â goes into detail on the bionic knee surgery Sheik had. Izzy fights back, but Sheik doesn’t sell, which is noted by the announcers. Sheik loads up the boot, nails Izzy and slaps on the camel clutch for the win at 2:13. The ICP’s take on the finish: “And now he’s gonna mount him from behind and f*ck him like a bitch oh, wait, it’s the camel clutch, my mistakeÃ¢â‚¬Â. -**
– The ICP do an interview in the back and formally introduce Evil Dead, who appears to be, well, dead. He’ll win the battle royale tonight and become the first JCW champion. Shaggy: “Hey, we own the promotion, need we say more?Ã¢â‚¬Â
– The Rude Boy is confident about facing Abdullah tonight, mainly because he’s friends with the owners.
– Evil Dead v. The Redneck Devil Without A Cause. Dead staggers against the ropes, but pushes off and DDTs Mr. Cause for the pin at 0:10. That DDT is apparently called the “inverted scabby eggplantÃ¢â‚¬Â, and the ICP argue about the merits of having the fastest win in JCW history when there’s only been two matches in JCW history. DUD
– King Kong Bundy v. Tom Dub. Dub is about 120 pounds, maybe. The ICP note that Bundy looks like a “giant penis in a broken black condomÃ¢â‚¬Â and spend the match making dick jokes about Bundy that are WAY more entertaining than the match. Bundy mops the ring with him, avalanche and splash finish at 1:41. Hilarious commentary here saves the match. DUD
– The Rude Boy v. Abdullah the Butcher. Rude Boy is sitting in on commentary through the magic of videotape, and the ICP spend the whole match asking questions and then cutting him off. Abby attacks on the ramp and kicks his ass, then chairs him at ringside and dumps a table on him. Into the ring, the fork gets used extensively and Rude Boy is bleeding all over the place, while ICP point out Abby’s no-selling. Abby drops an elbow as the commentary points out his calling spots on-camera, and another elbow finishes at 4:24. DUD The ref and ring announcer get maimed, too.
– Meanwhile, in a HILARIOIUS backstage segment, the ICP try to talk Bundy in working twice and doing the battle royale. “We’ve only got like 18 guys!Ã¢â‚¬Â J whines. Bundy demands $5000 extra, which the ICP think is outrageous because it’s their first show and they’re broke. Bundy replies “What the f*ck are you talking about, you paid those two $800!Ã¢â‚¬Â and the camera pans over to find the Rock N Roll Express sitting on a couch and drinking beer with a stupid grin on their faces. I don’t know why, but I was just shitting myself with laughter watching this, and it’s funnier in retrospect because the RnR were a “big surpriseÃ¢â‚¬Â at the end of the show and no one was supposed to know they were in the building.
– Chick Foley v. Angel. Thumbtacks are scattered in the ring. Foley is dressed like Mankind, except she’s a chick. They roll around on the thumbtacks while the ICP piss and moan about how much the match sucks. Angel finishes with an avalanche and legdrop at 2:17. ICP apologize for the bad match, and note “and now that manager chick is gonna turn on Angel, as if anyone watching gives a f*ckÃ¢â‚¬Â. And indeed that’s what happens, and no one gives a f*ck. DUD On the upside, you get to see Angel topless in a pre-match vignette. On the downside, you get to see Angel topless in a pre-match vignette.
– Meanwhile, the battle royale booking meeting is adjourned, and everyone leaves looking pissed off, except for Evil Dead, who is the ICP’s unanimous pick to win the thing, being managed by them and all. They speculate that everyone is pissed because Evil Dead is booked to win.
– Battle Royale for the JCW World title: Featuring Suburban Gangsta, Tom Dub, Mr. Meaner, Jaimy Coxxx, Cashflow, Redneck Devil Without a Cause, Truth Martini, Terek the Great, Fat Fuck Barrel Boy, Incidious, Gavin Starr, Mojo, Breyer Wellington, Inferno, Tommy Starr, Patrick, Twiztid and Evil Dead. But wait, the aptly named Some Manager Guy brings out the RnR as a surprise, and we’re underway. 30 seconds later, we’re down to Evil Dead and the RnR. This is the best battle royale EVER! Dead DDTs both Express, and Ricky puts Robert out by mistake and then accidentally falls out to give Evil Dead the win at 2:25. It should come as no surprise, since they’re been saying throughout the entire tape that he would win. Violent J notes that all the other promotions, without corpses as World champions, can lick his balls. Well, that’s nice to know.
– Main event: Violent J & Shaggy 2 Dope v. Doink the Clown & Doink the Clown. The Doinks are Terek the Great and Truth Martini, forced into the outfits in a powerplay by the ICP, a point which was hammered home by them doing a pre-match promo backstage where they bitched about doing the job for ICP just because they were the owners. Big brawl to start, but ICP get double DDTs. J gets a Michinoku Driver on Doink, and a Death Valley Driver. Shaggy comes in with a jackhammer and powerbomb, and J adds his own. Shaggy misses a blind charge, however, and Doink tags Doink. Doink gets a bad senton for one as J talks about what a handsome man he, as in the Violent J on tape standing on the apron, is, and how badly he (Violent J the commentator) would like to f*ck him (Violent J on tape), which causes a rather large uncomfortable silence from the other two commentators. J protests that he’s not GAY or anything, but he just couldn’t help but notice what an attractive man J is. Shaggy gets a piledriver and bails, but Doink puts him through a table, and back in he gets two. Doink puts Shaggy through another table, while Doink pulls J off the apron and punks him out. The crowd is RABIDLY cheering on ICP, showing that even total idiots can get heat using the Face In Peril Formula. And I mean that in the nicest way. Back in, Shaggy makes the hot tag to Violent J, who hiptosses Doink and Doink, and then the ICP uses a 3D on Doink for the pin at 7:46. A shockingly watchable match, sexually deviant commentary aside. ** Some Manager Guy leads a heel beatdown on ICP, but Ballz Mahoney saves with a chair. King Kong Bundy turns the tide again, but Raven does a run-in and cleans house, end of show.
The Bottom Line: You know how I’ve sometimes said that a match was good, but you’ll enjoy it more if you turn down the sound? Well, this is the total opposite: Everything sucked, but if you turn the sound UP you’ll enjoy it way more. The ICP are incredibly funny on commentary, turning the entire tape into a hilarious parody of a bad wrestling promotion and all the cliches therein. If you watch without the ironic commentary, you’ll just notice that’s it a bad wrestling promotion with all the cliches therein. And no one wants that.
Strongly recommended for the comedy value, but as a warning: This is NOT for the young and/or easily offended. If a commentator pointing out that the ref is being forced to “munch the pink tacoÃ¢â‚¬Â during the women’s match makes you run to hit the PTC’s number on your speed dial, this isn’t the tape for you. However, if you’re of legal age and a cynical bastard like me, pick it up and laugh your ass off.