The SmarK Rant for Juggalo Championshit Wrestling Volume Two
– Enough negativity for now. Hopefully this’ll lighten the mood a little. Since the first volume was a Smarks exclusive, so shall the second be. Besides, it’s still too filthy for Wrestleline. Thanks as always to Jason Parker for sending this stuff along, and look for StrangleMania II either here or on Wrestleline later this week.
– Your hosts are the ICP, otherwise known as Diamond Donovan Douglas and Handsome Harry Guestello (aka Guido). Johnny Stark seems to have disappeared.
– Celebrities are introduced to start, and the ICP have apparently broken the bank for this show, bringing in Robin Leach, RuPaul and Michael Jackson! Eric Bischoff just wishes he could have generated that kind of star power, even if all of them were just played by JCW jobbers.
– Serious Darius Bagfelt interviews Madman Pondo, who has problems with ICP. Big problems. But don’t worry, the commentators inform us, he’s really friends with them in real life. Whew.
– Tom Dub v. Hornswagglin’ Hillbilly. Hillbilly is announced as being from “Asslick, KYÃ¢â‚¬Â and appears to be Haystacks Calhoun after eating King Kong Bundy and Yokozuna. Yikes. Guido very tastefully points out “the ass in front of his pantsÃ¢â‚¬Â. Tom Dub weighs all of 150 pounds, and this one is thankfully over quick via the usual finisher for the grotesequely overweight THE BIG FAT SPLASH OF DEATH! Only went 0:35, so no point in rating it. ICP’s take: They knew he was gonna win at that point because he was already blown up.
– Backstage, Honkytonk Man talks with some young Juggalos and lets them know that ICP’s music sucks.
– Special “Who The Fuck Are These Guys?Ã¢â‚¬Â match: Hizaya v. Chris Hero. Hero is doing a Hurricane-ish gimmick, enough so that ICP should probably try suing, just for the hell of it. Hizaya gets some armdrags and dumps Hero, then follows with a tope. Another one, with a twist, follows. Hero clotheslines him and goes up while DDD praises Hizaya’s selling job. Hizaya gets a northern lights suplex for two. Hero rolls the dice for two. The commentary is paying zero attention to the actual match, as J & Shaggy just go off onto whatever tangent about fashion trends and Wal-Mart strikes their fancy. It’s funnier that way, though, trust me. Hero goes up but misses a moonsault. Hizaya gets an X-Factor for two. They expose both guys as playing two of the celebrities from earlier in the show. That makes J’s lavishious comments towards RuPaul a little more disturbing somehow. Hizaya finishes with a swanton at 4:26. Does anyone really care about the ratings anyway?
– Out on the mean streets, the ICP pull Evil Dead out of the trunk of their car to prep him for a match against King Kong Bundy that we never get to see.
– Meanwhile, a bunch of disgruntled wrestlers pass some weed around the room. Doesn’t really go anywhere.
– Double table match: Dick Nipple v. BillyBill. Nipple would be playing a lawyer, and BillyBill is the ICP’s personal bodyguard. He powerbombs Nipple through two tables to win in 0:20. Must be some sort of inside joke here.
– Chris Hero has an interview interrupted by Madman Pondo, who punks him out with a roadsign. However, in a brilliantly funny twist, interviewer Serious Darius then nails Pondo right back with the sign for screwing up his interview! See, now that’s the kind of anarchic stuff the WWF could be doing to freshen up the product, without even having to break kayfabe or appeal to smart fans. Just shit like that out of nowhere to break up the cliches thrown at us on every show.
– Fat Fuck Barrel Boy v. Madman Pondo. DDD explains in depth the appeal of Fat Fuck Barrel Boy: “He’s fat, he’s a f*ck, he wears a barrel what’s not to like?Ã¢â‚¬Â Thumbtacks are scattered in the ring. The match starts and we’re clipped. “Did I mention this match is just highlights?Ã¢â‚¬Â, Guido casually mentions, “Because it took him 30 minutes to pull out the f*cking staple gun, so this way it’s right there.Ã¢â‚¬Â Honesty in commentary, gotta love it. FFBB starts stapling dollar bills to Pondo’s face, which, it is explained, constitute their pay for that night. AND THAT’S A SHOOT, BRUTHA! Pondo also staples money to FFBB, and gives him a legsweep into the thumbtacks. Pondo gets slammed onto the tacks and FFBB gets a pump splash, but another one misses. Pondo staples FFBB’s nuts (described in 8 different ways by Guido) and they head out to where Pondo dives off a balcony and puts FFBB through a table at 5:23. This was kinda like a New Jack match, with two distinct advantages:
1) The commentary was funnier
2) The table spot didn’t miss.
– Cage match: RudeBoy v. Abdullah The Butcher. Rudeboy again provides commentary, noticeably drunk (and unapologetically so). Abby just beats the hell out of Rudeboy before they even get in the cage. “Why the f*ck are you just standing there?!Ã¢â‚¬Â the commentators demand of him. “Because I’m trying to get to that powder spot we worked out before the match.Ã¢â‚¬Â Rudeboy calmly answers. Sadly, even that gets f*cked up as he drops the powder. Blood is already flowing all over the place as the ICP start grilling Rudeboy about the legitimacy of pro wrestling like John Stossel on Dr. D. They finally get into the cage, where the Butcher carves him up with a fork and Rudeboy bitches about his payoff not covering hospital bills. The ICP respond that his beer tab didn’t cover the payoff, so I guess it’s a draw. Tons of blood. Abby drops an elbow, then ties him up with a rope, hangs him, and walks out to win. Funny, funny commentary.
– ICP music video.
– Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope & Evil Dead v. Big Flame, Neil & Bob. The idea is that the heels are a trio of gays, with Big Flame being in charge and the other two being his presumed bitches. It affords the ICP a chance to use the word “faggotÃ¢â‚¬Â more times per minute than I thought was humanly possible. In perhaps the first intentional bait and switch in wrestling, they show the introductions for a different six-man from Cleveland (with someone else subbing for Evil Dead) and then explain that “the match suckedÃ¢â‚¬Â so the actual match shown will switch to one from Australia once it begins. And indeed, that’s what happens. Jay dumps Flame (a big Adrian Adonis type) and Shaggy follows with a plancha. Then Jay tosses the ref onto them in a neat spot. The commentators mock the small crowd. Shaggy beats on Neil. Suplex gets two. Guido & DDD advance the tag team formula by pointing out that the bulk of the match is largeless pointless because “everyone’s just waiting for the hot tag to Jay so he can do all his hiptosses.Ã¢â‚¬Â Evil Dead comes in and struggles to remain alive. They point out that he doesn’t sell because he’s already dead, “and on top of that, he’s f*cking evil Ã¢â‚¬Â Dead goes up but gets crotched. Shaggy comes in and gets a fameasser on Bob, and tosses him. Back in, Jay with a DVD and Michinoku Driver, and they blow some sort of neckbreaker. “What the FUCK was that?!Ã¢â‚¬Â Guido demands. “Um f*ck you!Ã¢â‚¬Â would be the witty rejoinder in question. Big Flame beats on Jay, however, then Neil cheapshots Shaggy and they work him over. Powerbomb stops a rana. Neil gets a swanton for two. Bob gets a flying elbow for two. Jay fesses up and admits that it’s not Australia, it’s just Maryland. Bob misses a blind charge, and Jay gets the hot tag. HIPTOSS! HIPTOSS! See? Set up the joke, then pay it off. Easy. Samoan drop for Big Flame, and the ICP finish Bob with a horribly misguided 3D at 13:55. Certainly a watchable match.
The Bottom Line: More funny stuff here. Not as funny as the first volume, and in fact much of it is just hateful and racist humor, so buyer beware. But for those who are always whining about the “It’s just entertainment so shut up and enjoy itÃ¢â‚¬Â aspect of the business, this is the tape for you.
Strongly recommended, but once again I must warn that this is NOT for anyone under 18 or the easily offended.