Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 03.12.03

Okay, let’s see if you can follow my thread of logic, because, if you can, then you can’t follow WWE’s thread of logic, which I can’t:

Proposition: Eric Bischoff is a heel.
Proof: His persecution with Morley of the face Dudleys. His comeuppance at the hands of Steve Austin. His siccing of Three-Moron Warning on Austin on last week’s Raw. Quod erat demonstratum.

So, why did he decide to offer Austin an apology for behavior dating back to the mid-90s and his terminating Austin via Fed-Ex? This was done without setting up another beatdown.

(Since they were going work-shoot on Bisch’s promo, Ric Flair would have been an ideal candidate. He could have mentioned that he tried to help Austin during the WCW days and that Austin “disappointed” him, so now he has another person to pass the torch to.)

Bisch’s actions during the apology promo bordered on face-like. There was no sign of the typical Bisch scheming or planning with which he’s made himself into the Heel You Love To Hate for years. Worst of all from a heel standpoint, he came across as sincere, something that Vince never did during Austin/McMahon.

Proposition: Steve Austin is a face.
Proof: What? Quod erat demonstratum.

So, wouldn’t it have been better to bolster the face image by him NOT rejecting Bisch’s sincere apology and shaking his hand? After that, then you beat the crap out of him. That’s acceptable given the nature of Austin’s face character. It also gives more impetus to any heel action that Bisch might come up with, because “he shook my hand and then Stunnered me” provides better motivation than “he didn’t shake my hand”. Austin’s rejection of the apology is more of a heel action than anything allowed in Austin’s face character.

Proposition: The Rock is a heel.
Proof: I’m not calling him Flex. Quod erat demonstratum.

All was well and good with this proposition until the middle of the promo, when Mr. Johnson revealed that his motivation in facing Austin at WM was because he’s never beaten Austin in the Big One. This type of rationale, though, has always been used for faces suffering from your typical Evil Heel Tactic wins over an extended period of time (see Flair, Ric for both sides of the equation). It’s the highest-level feelgood blowoff for a top-card face against a top-card heel, especially against the background of Wrestlemania. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this excuse used for a top-card heel.

What does this add up to? The first thing that comes to mind is that the writers are hedging their bets. They might have learned their lesson about fixing a character in a paradigm only to have an audience destroy those preconceptions (if so, this would be one of the few signs of intelligence that the Raw writing staff has exhibited in a long time; see Huffman, Booker, Delayed Elevation Thereof). So, to hedge against the WM audience suddenly turning The Rock back into Flex or starting to boo Austin, they’re moving the characters into tweener territory to ease any reflexive transition they’ll have to make. This is a sign that they’re finally admitting their own stupidity after f*cking up chance after chance after chance over the last two years (including the Austin return; yet another Two-Week Pop in the ratings, folks).

Bisch, though, is another story. This is definitely a softening of the character, presumably from his chastising at the hands of Vince. It’s a higher-profile demi-feud for him than something involving the Dudleys (let Morley handle that one; that’s what subordinates are for). The possibilities for what they might be setting up for Bisch are numerous, starting next week in his rematch against Austin (perhaps someone high-level moving over from Smackdown?). But why is this softening taking place? All of us know that Bisch is more enjoyable when he’s a smarmy rat bastard, and if all of us know, that knowledge may have had a good chance of having penetrated the cement in the writers’ heads. So why are they doing this, especially for something they have to blow off damn quick in order to focus on The Rock/Austin for WM?

There’s one reason for all of this that comes to the top of my head. There’s one major beneficiary behind a move that transitions the two highest-profile performers in WWE and the person who gets the most camera time on Raw into Tweenerville. His name is Paul Levesque.

Trip knows now about the principle of “familiarity breeds contempt”. The audience is sick of him, and he knows it. That’s why the Evolution concept came about. It lowers his camera time and it places him into a group context where he is more of a peer than he was in DX 2.0, where he was the undisputed leader. But, he’s still got the ego and stroke to position himself as Raw’s Number One Heel. The easiest way to do this is to move his competition, Bisch and The Rock, into less defined territory. Is it a coincidence that the events of above took place after Orton and Batista went out? Trip now has his chance to reassert the position that he feels is his by right and by f*cking the boss’ daughter.

There’s no doubt now in my mind that he drops the title to Booker at WM. The uncertainty of exactly what’s going to happen in the main event vis-a-vis characters and Kurt Angle’s injury has made it clear that a happy ending to a match has to come from one of the mains, and the only one available is the one he’s involved in. He’s smart enough to know that Booker is incredibly hot right now, and it wouldn’t be a bad proposition to give him the belt. Trip wins either way. Either Booker takes it to town, puts asses in seats, and jacks the ratings up (thus making Raw a stronger show and giving Trip a little more visibility), or the ratings stay down, Booker as champion doesn’t work, and Trip petitions to get the belt back at KOTR.

If this assertion is correct, I have to admire him. It’s subtle, disguised, and virtually a win-win proposition for him in all respects. A scheme like this is amazing. My hat’s off to you, Trip. I have a long way to go in match your evil bastardhood.

HAIL, HAIL, THE GANG’S ALL HERE

With my return comes the returns of the E-Mail Regulars. Slick Rick first:

Is it just me or is J.R. starting to seem disaffected? Perhaps the lack of kayfabeless outlet now that the Ross Report is gone is wearing on him?

A) Shortly after the transmission outage “What’s going to happen next on this run-away train wreck?” Excellent description of recent product, Jim, but you’re not supposed to point it out, hmm?

Well, as Scott Keith would say, I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

B) During the beginning of the Rock/Hurritwat match “I’m just being
honest, King. Wouldn’t that be a nice change for a Wrestling Announcer?” Either he misses the “Report”, or J.R’s Guilty Conscience over all the shitty things he’s reputed to have done during his time in “The Business” is about to swallow his head whole.

I don’t think it’s disaffection or a sense of guilt that’s motivating Ross. Ross is in a position of incredible power in the only major wrestling organization in North America, something his career’s always been leading up to, so I don’t think he’s dissatisfied. As for being guilty, everyone involved in management of a wrestling organization has done stuff that would make drug dealers seem moral. It’s part of the territory and Ross knows that. I don’t think this is necessarily a catharsis owing to the loss of the Ross Report more so than a continuation of the image he established in it. He’s adapting to a post-kayfabe era better than some promoters and a lot of fans. Just consider this the Good New JR.

The Ravin’ Cajun with a quickie:

So, RAW did a 4.0 this week? After a 4.5? First you need to smack Ashish again.

I’ll get back into that soon enough. I just wish he’d post something different than “the rating is disappointing blah blah blah”, like “the braindead chimps did it again, screwed up a sure thing, blah blah blah”.

Phil Watts is back too:

Everyone is talking about how much better RAW is now that Hollywood Rock and Stone Cold are there. To me, it’s the same old shit. Now, while the Rocky character works 100% better as a heel (and makes more sense, since egomaniacs should be boo’d, not cheered), he takes entirely TOO LONG to get to his point, he still panders for crowd pops, and still has the same stale-ass moveset (with the DEVASTATING elbow drop and uranage…and let’s not forget THE UGLYSHOOTER!) Then there’s Austin. The less things change, the more they stay the same. Furthermore, it’s hard to cheer for this guy after hearing about what kind of person he is outside of the ring. I guess since multi-platinum R&B whiner…I mean vocalist R. Kelly can be #1 on the pop charts despite the fact that he loves to screw teenagers, urinate in their faces, make tapes of it, and then swear up and down that it wasn’t him, then Steve Austin can still pop crowds and ratings despite the fact that he’s a backstage crybaby and a wifebeater. People are idiots.

Preaching to the converted, Phil. Definitely preaching to the converted.

Frankly, I’m more concerned with the departure of Kurt Angle than I am of anything else. Now this is a man that people NEED to look up to. Now that he’s another neck-injury victim, I hope that they don’t shoehorn Bikertrash (the Undertweener) into his spot, not to mention any of the other big pieces of shit that’s being shoved down our throats (why hasn’t Albert been fired yet?) I hope they give Kurt Angle a decent sendoff tonight.

Angle’s injury has f*cked up Wrestlemania on so many levels it’s sad. You’d think that they could at least have a concrete backup plan if something like this would happen. But they have a tendency to put too much onto someone, then see fate kick them in the nuts. Witness Trip’s quad. With him in there, the Invasion would have been a helluva lot different, and they were relying on that. Now they were relying on Angle to carry a good portion of the Smackdown end, and he’s down. Preplanning? What’s that?

Naturally, the Pride of Dartmouth, Elliot Olshansky, returns as well:

I honestly believe that Trip goes down at Mania, and here’s why:

3) They’re trying to tell a story about a dream, and in this business, dreams come true at Wrestlemania. HBK, Austin, Bret, Booker. Bottom line.

‘Cause Elliot said so. Agreed, 100%, and I’m thinking the same rationales for it that you are.

I kinda have to wonder what your beef with Helms is, though. I’ve never seen a match where he’s dogged it. He tore up the ring in the dying days of WCW, despite not having any guarantee that his work would pay off. And he has an amusing character that, despite being played for comic relief, doesn’t make him totally unbelievable in the ring.

I just don’t like the guy. Maybe it’s because his gimmicks never clicked for me, and I thought of him as mostly a spot artist. Just a personal thing.

And what you told me about the other stuff…geez, I thought my life was bad. Get some sleep, son. You deserve it and need it.

However, BFM picked up on part of the racism angle that we didn’t, and God bless him for that:

The only, ONLY reason for this match (Maven vs. Trip) was the Hangman spot at the end. Maven’s half-black, remember? HHH “lynched” him. The subtlety of this feud astounds me. The problem is, Booker is being buried so badly by this (why the HELL did he leave? He was scared?) that the only way to make him look good is a clean pin over HHH at Mania. Guess what AIN’T happening?

Well, we’ll see. I still think Booker has to go over clean for a large number of reasons, some of which I went over.

Oh, yeah, BFM’s friend and fellow talented writer Dale has a new book coming out called “Urban Legends of Rock and Roll”. BFM says it’s a good one, and I believe him. If you want to do the preordering thing, get it from Amazon.

Some quickies about my choice of lifestyle change:

Gotta be honest, I was never a big fan of yours. Read the columns, but the whining was to much at times. Yeah, whatever..

Just wanted you to know, that there is one person out there that feels your pain. Unfortunately, this move will not help your mental state…..As it sure did not help mine. – Brian Nielsen

Good to have you back. I grew up in southeastern Iowa so I know just how bad it sucks and my only suggestion is to run… – Jason Koopman

I too am from Chicago and transplanted to a small town, in particular a suburb of Scranton PA. I can completely relate to your culture shock. I have been here for 2 years and still feel that everyone in town has the same DNA. We also have an abundance of camo and Carhardt. It wouldnt be fall into winter without deer carcasses hanging from every tree. Hang in there buddy…at least your Pizza’s don’t come in square trays. – Brian Clark

With all your social disorders, does it really matter that you live in a shitty little Iowa hicktown? – Ian Gardner

Uh, yes. There’s this thing called convenience. I like the ability to get anything I want nearly 24/7 instead of living in a place where they roll the streets up in the entire county after nightfall. Socialization doesn’t matter, because he who dies with the most toys wins.

And, of course, let’s talk about beer, specifically Milwaukee’s Best, and Frequent Correspondent Barry Petchesky is quite familiar with it:

I could not stand idly by while someone profanes the could name of Milwaukee’s Best, the finest lager this side of the Rocky Mountains.

Seriously though, it tastes like piss water, but hear me out. I’m doing the whole fraternity thing over at Temple University, and at our parties, “The Beast” is one of the higher class beers we serve. The hierarchy is thus: Millers for brothers, The Beast for people we know, and Dakota or Natty Ice for people we don’t. We’ve conditioned people to think that if they have The Beast, it’s something special. College students are sheep.

For me in my college days, the Beast was Schaefer. Four bucks a case twenty years ago. And if you didn’t have cash for that, there was always Boone’s Farm.

George Sirois asks me what my favorite mic moment has been from WWF/E. There’s too many to count on that one. You have to fall back on the standards: the DX Nation parody, the Austin 3:16 speech, Bret Hart’s profanity-laced tirade, Vince admitting straight out that everything’s faked, Heyman’s ECW is Back speech…it’s tough to choose from an abundance of riches.

George Metcalf asks me to do a belated In Memoriam on behalf of Bill Mauldin. His genius was in the fact that he could mix social and political commentary on the level of Herblock, blend it with the entertainment of a Sparky Schulz, and put it in the context of the common man. “Willie and Joe” is the exemplar of that. And he sure as hell did it a lot better than Walt Kelly because he didn’t let the politics get in the way.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a column without talking about psychoactive medications. Here’s Travis’ question:

Hey, i just finished reading your column….welcome back. Anyway, ive got a question about lexapro. How long have you been on it? I just got put on it a week ago, and its the first anti-depressant ive ever been on. Have you had any problems with side effects? Hows it work for you?

I’ve been on it for about six months now. The side effects are a helluva lot less than Paxil, since it’s more targeted. As to how it works, because of various and sundry, I had to cut my Lex dosage in half in order to eke it out until I could see my shrink a few weeks ago, and I definitely felt the difference. I’m less depressed, less prone to anger, less of an asshole in general. However, according to my shrink, a lot of the depressive aspects of bipolar disorder are connected to Seasonal Attitude Disorder, so, when the weather gets better, I should need less of any kind of SSRI.

And that’s it for me this week. I’m definitely heading into Chicago this weekend to see if the bed and one small table can fit in the Damn Vaninator and do some other stuff in my less-than-24-hours in town. In the meantime, I’m going to head to work and then wallow in my drab, wretched life. Have a good one.