Junk News, Huzzah! 03.20.03


In response to the announcement of war, Senior News Reporter Joshua Grutman will try to refrain from using exclamation points. God Bless this country, and God Bless the new South Park.

I’d like to dedicate this column to my friend Danny Rodriguez, a Marine. If you’re a Marine and know Danny, tell him I’m thinking of him. Also tell him to bring me back something nice from Iraq. Maybe a couple of thousand barrels of oil?

I’d also like to dedicate this column to Ron Gamble, who continues to piss off fate by cheating death. Gamble, on behalf of myself and the thousands who read us both, this whole ‘you living’ thing is becoming a distraction from more important events. If you’re going to die, just do it already. I mean, MAN!

I would like to apologize for that exclamation point. It’s not that I don’t recognize the severity of war, it’s rather that I said a few months ago that Ron would die sooner then later. He’s making me out to be a liar and I don’t appreciate that, Ron. You have some fences to mend.

Also, I’ve recently been a hot topic on the message boards. Well, this one and wiener. It’s shocking to see your name on a message board post and not read anything insulting about yourself, so I thank all of them. And Johny this one is for you.

I haven’t mentioned this for a long time, but the ongoing discussions between Widro and I to reform Gridro have reached a standstill. I want Gridro to represent the best parts of ourselves, while Widro demands we use Gridro for only evil purposes. He’d better change his mind quickly, as a new alliance is taking form, code name: Gruniels.


As the deadline has expired, the big question everyone is asking is whether or not SMACKDOWN will be preempted for war coverage. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer believes that a war with Iraq will do serious damage to the Road To Wrestlemania. When I asked him to further elaborate, Wolf said, “Who are you? What are you doing in my bedroom? Why are you naked?” Strong words from a strong man who loves Wrestlemania.

Hulk Hogan has used alternative medicine to correct his back problems. Hogan has a long history with alternative medicine, but this time he probably won’t lactate.

John Cena is in line for a post-Wrestlemania push as Brock Lesnar’s new opponent at house shows. Cena is said to be very excited and looks forward to being tossed around like a rag doll daily.

The Bischoff/Flair fight continues to confound people, as Bischoff announced that he and Flair were friends at the press conference and the two had been seen having drinks together in the past weeks. Today, Flair stated that this was all a big misunderstanding, saw a guy with dyed black hair and a leather jacket, let out a blood curdling scream and beat the crap out of my cousin George. He was just trying for a new look, Flair! You f*cked with the wrong family!

The June PPV is expected to be the first Raw only PPV. It’s about time I had to pay to see 3 Minute Warning again.

Edge reports that there is talk about toning down the WWE in-ring product. For those of you who don’t remember him, Edge is that guy who gave people blood baths with his leader, Gangrel. No word yet as to why Gangrel has allowed Edge to write an Internet column or if Edge even garnered permission. Could this be the beginning of the end for The Brood?

NWA:TNA will no longer give away as many free tickets as they have in the past. This point was hammered home as three adorable orphan children approached Jeff Jarrett, told him they loved him and asked to see the show. Jeff asked if they had money, and one little girl with a runny nose which twitched in the cutest fashion told Jeff they spent most of their money on medicine, and the rest they donated to the Red Cross. With a tear in his eye, Jarrett broke his guitar over the little girl’s head and then gave The Stroke to the two other children. Jeff then posed for the nonexistent crowd.

Goldust was on Stern yesterday and said that Terri cheated on him with her dentist. Check this out.

DDP: Getting my teeth bleached was the worst thing I’ve ever done to myself.
Terri: Why, does your ass burn now every time you take a dump?
DDP: No. Why would my ass burn from getting my teeth bleached?
Terri: Well, I went to the dentist the other day, and now my ass burns every time I take a crap.
DDP: Terri, did you ass screw your dentist?
Terri: How dare you judge me?

-Joshua Grutman, Excess Report, January 26th 2002. I know all.

Ric Flair may once become an active wrestler, this time to fight Booker T. Ric is said to be shitting his pants in excitement and because he can no longer control his bowels.

The deadline expired last night with tragic consequences, as top ranking officials with poor hearing launched a massive military strike against The Rock. With Austin’s neck injury and the US Government trying to kill Dwayne Johnson, their Wrestlemania match is now up in the air. That’s right, it’s a scaffold match!

Raw’s rating took a big hit this week, down to a 3.8 from a 4.0. Damn you, Married By America! Damn you for being so sickeningly enthralling!

This week on Velocity Nunzio fights Tajiri, Albert fights Funaki and Matt Hardy fights Nova. I don’t want to give away the results, but the winners will likely remind war vets of N.A.M.

I’ve decided to ruin Smackdown by giving away the results because I’m a jerk.

Charlie Haas and Rhyno fight, only to end up with a DQ ending when they stop fighting and go to a Dairy Queen. I believe they split a Blizzard.

John Cena lays an open challenge for Wrestlemania 19 to out rap anyone. The comeback of Oscar from Men On A Mission is upon us.

Los Guerrorrororos cheat to win at golf. Didn’t you guys see The Legend of Bagger Vance? Didn’t you learn anything? No? Yeah, me neither.

Rikishi and The Evil Golf Club fight The FBI. We’re at level orange! Don’t you guys have more important things to do then fight a fat Samoan and two South Americans? Yes, I know they’re the Full Blooded Italians, but they’re our last defense.

Again, I apologize for the exclamation point. I just wanted to emphasize the seriousness of the situation.

Rey Mysterio fights Jaime Noble in a match that will define wrestling for the six minutes it’s on for.

Kurt and Eric talk to the fine people of Kentucky, telling them that you can have a close family relationship without the sex. Actually, I think they do tell them that. Heh. Kurt’s funny.

Undertaker fights Bill DeMott. Remember him? He beat Rikishi and everyone bitched about him? Guy from Tough Enough? Had a nice little feud in WCW with Lance Storm? Hugh Morrus? Nothing? Okay, well, he’s back and fighting the Undertaker.

Shannon Moore fights Brian Kendrick so Brian can be a WWE superstar. Stephanie orders the match because she doesn’t want the company to be sued if Brian is hurt while not under contract. Didn’t Undertaker practically kill the kid? Wouldn’t have security come out to stop the fight last week once it was revealed it was Kendrick? Didn’t they do this same exact storyline on Chicago Hope with Peter Berg? Aren’t these stupid questions?

The WWE announces that the Miller Lite Catfight Girls will be at Wrestlemania 19. They will fight the Miller Lite Twins in a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match.

Benoit fights Benjamin, making Hardcore Holly long for B.B. Man, too many initials jokes.

Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan sign the contract. However, there is still fifteen minutes remaining in the show, so they pace around and awkwardly shuffle their feet. Greatest Smackdown ever!

Big news! The Brood has not broken up. Instead, the three of them are joining Undertaker’s Ministry. Good for them.

I did it again, didn’t I? To all the troops, I apologize. I mean you no disrespect by using exclamation points. You’re in my thoughts.

Now, for the first time in a long time, non news board news! Yay!

The Torrie nude pictures are illegally up somewhere. I apologize for already forgetting the address. If you can tell a person’s real hair color by checking out their pubes, I can finally conclusively say that Torrie is not a natural blond. In fact, she wears a wig and is actually as bald as Kurt Angle.

The people of La Verkin, Utah, may ban United Nations troops from city limits. If the ordinance passes, it will reinstate the former ordinance which was repealed last year on the grounds that it made the town look silly.” The man who is currently fighting his heart out to get the ordinance on the ballot? One Mr. Al Snow. Is Al tough enough to fight the entire UN? Only time will tell, but probably not. http://hnn.us/articles/1311.html

Thanks to Dr. Dave for that last bit. He is the doctor who gambles with the lives of his patients. He’ll get that and I get that. You don’t have to get that. I’m so inside.

The Brood has disintegrated. I repeat, the Brood is no longer a faction. I don’t know what to say that can make this any easier for our country, our sense of well being. All I can tell you is that I’m trying my hardest not to use any exclamation points to keep us all calm.

Wrestling Junk News. Huzzah. huzzah.


It looks like the Jetsons are coming to the big screen in a live action feature. Thank God! Hopefully Astro will be CGI so I don’t have to wait until the Scooby Doo sequel to get my CGI dog fix.

Again, my apologies for the exclamation mark. I just wanted to show God how grateful I was that there will be another talking CGI dog. I am still very concerned about war.

Big changes have been made to the Oscars in light of the war. For instance, Omar Sharif has been uninvited.

Again, not to constantly be correcting the good movie reviewers at 411mania, but I’d like to clarify something. Tears of the Sun is yawn worthy crap taking on a serious subject. Willard is an incredibly engrossing character study dealing with a stupid subject. Willard is more a love triangle between two rats and a man then a horror film and should be reviewed as such. What’s weird is that Chris seemed to understand this, but then gave Willard a 6.5 because it wasn’t scary. Just some friendly advice; if you’re going to give a movie poor marks, don’t spend most of your review extolling its virtues. It’s just weird.

The Rock will play a guy who comes back from war to find shit f*cked up in his next movie, Walking Tall. Will the Rock be able to fix this f*cked up shit? I’d place my money on f*cking A right the Rock will be able to fix all the f*cked up shit.

Agent Cody Banks will have a sequel, and why shouldn’t it? Because you say so? Who the f*ck are you? Sorry, Grandma, but I just can’t respect your opinion on this matter.

I’m not going to do a tv guide this week, as the war is going to f*ck everything up. Just make sure to see the new 24 and the new Shield next week. I’m pretty sure Buffy is still in reruns. South Park is back and always awesome. That’s it.

FLEAture Commentary

VPJG: Flea, how do you feel about the war against Iraq?

Ryder Fakin: Shit or get off the pot…March Madness is coming, also the Masters and we have to do what’s right for America.

Josh’s Interpretation: You have two choices. You can continue to smoke pot or you can stop, which will cause your bowels to close and leave you unable to take a dump, so choose one or the other. This month an insanity that will sweep over the nation is coming, along with the few remaining sane people who will control the insane masses, so we have to do what’s right for America. (Flea lost me on that last part.)


Subscribe to Flea’s Saturday Commentary. I think you have to register somewhere, I’m not sure where, but PK will hopefully link you.

GRUTMAN VS. DANIELS: Round 1. Wrestlemania. If Widro ever posts it. Widro, our country needs Grutman vs. Daniels. How dare you deny them this?

Sylvian Parent finishes up his/her commentary on Stone Cold Steve Austin. I apologize to Sylvian, who has a very ambiguous name. Add to that the column’s name being From Parts Unknown, and I’m just completely confused.

Ken Anderson comes at the smarts hardcore with Wrestlemania: Dare to Dream. Ken gets mad at the smarts, as we all tend to once in a while before we go back to being a smart ourselves. Oddly enough, because Daniels chose to defend Wrestlemania in our new column, I became one of the people Ken chastises, so I guess I should defend the smarts a bit. Just a little. Well, nah. Screw them.

Oh ya, I owe this one to PK, go over to 411 Figures! I LOVE TOYS!!

Okay, one last thing and then I’m done.


Mankind must give up war in the Atomic Era. What is at stake is the life or death of humanity.
-Albert Einstein

I just found out that we were actually going to war, just now. After my mother’s talk about buying a battery operated radio and making sure we had bottled water and what we’d do if there was a nuclear strike, I found myself voicing my opinion on the matter to my family.


Live on, courage of the average American. Live on.

My name is Joshua Grutman, and this world would be a better place if the only bombs that existed are my jokes.