Who knew that the most powerful mindf*ck in the known universe would encompass only four words?
Academy Award Winner Eminem.
And you thought the war was scary.
OUT OF IOWA
Mission accomplished. The apartment there is not only cleared out, it’s ready to show to possible renters. I’ve pretty much dragged the kitchen out of the Damn Vaninator. All utilities are cut off. My lease is renewed on this end. I start my consulting gig tomorrow (after the shrink appointment today; hey, I know my priorities). Plus, I’ve got a recruiter putting me in for about six other jobs.
I love it when a plan gets f*cked up and comes together anyway.
JUST A COUPLE OF ACADEMY AWARDS OBSERVATIONS BEFORE THE FESTIVITIES START
So who does Paul Jackson have to blow to get a nomination? Apparently Pedro Almodovar, the guy who took his place. Almodovar would be receptive to it if Jackson’s his type, and if he tops.
I’d love to see the thought process behind awarding Best Director. “Well, let’s see, Polanski and Scorsese have never won. However, Polanski’s been around longer, so let’s give it to him.”? I thought Scorsese did the best job this year; hell, I even anticipated him winning and said so when the Noo Yawkers came out in droves about me saying that Ridley Scott was the best director never to get the little gold statue. As for Polanski, wrong movie. Chinatown, yes, but Coppola had that sucker sewn up that year with Godfather Deuce. Yet another lifetime achievement award, and Scorsese, who did an incredible job on Gangs of Noo Yawk, gets screwed again.
Who the hell is Adrien Brody? The other guys on the list for Best Actor, at least I’ve heard of. Oh, yeah, it’s another “spread the wealth” thing. The other actors on the list all have Oscars (a total of seven, in case you’re curious). And don’t tell me to look his CV up on IMBD; I don’t have time.
When did Nicole Kidman turn into a serious actress? For that matter, when did Catherine Zeta-Jones turn into a serious actress? The best irony of the whole Zeta-Jones situation is the fact that she got the gold statue from Sean Connery. Rumor has it that Connery was very impressed by Zeta-Jones’ skill in the art of fellatio on the set of Entrapment. Could giving her an Academy Award be considered repayment, or does it take more than that to compensate for a great blowjob? We can’t really analogize this to wrestling, since we all know what happens as a reward for great oral sex: a never-ending push and the right to tell everyone that you’ll only job your title to your best buddy.
And bravo to Michael Moore for being Michael Moore. If he didn’t go off, I’d think that something was wrong. Nice to see that, sometimes, faith in humanity’s predictability is justified.
OH, ENOUGH OF THAT…SO WHY HAVEN’T YOU TALKED ABOUT THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT?
Because I think that everyone’s sick of reading and hearing and being surrounded by it. I’ll just stay in the “against it but supporting our troops” category for now.
I will bring up one thing: why is everyone so freaked out that the Coalition has suffered around thirty deaths (dunno how many are going to happen between writing and posting, so I’ll keep it approximate)? Let’s see, they’re under hostile fire, there’s elements of mistakes going around due to fog of war or simple stupidity…gee, you think there’s going to be any deaths? Jesus, in earlier wars, thirty guys would die every couple of hours from dysentery. Be happy it’s bullets; that we can understand.
Well, more than one thing that drives me crazy, actually…
LET’S INTERRUPT THE WAR COVERAGE TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL REPORT
Nothing new about Goldberg, other than the lamenting of some of the more savvy of the IWC going “Dear God, why?”
This ends our special report. Back to War Coverage.
AND BACK TO WAR COVERAGE
Memo to syndicated radio recappers: the airbase in Germany that the wounded are being sent to is pronounced “ram-stein” (as in stein of beer), not “ram-steen” (like you’re describing the anal sex habits of the E Street Band on tour). Pronounce it like it’s spelled, dammit.
So, who do you think will be the first idiot to use the excuse of the war as a reason why Raw’s ratings are down: Meltzer, Keller, or Suck Woodhead (or whatever drone they have writing this kind of stuff for 1bullshit)? I’ll put money on Woodhead or the 1bullshit drone. And, Ashish, if you DARE print that as an excuse in the ratings story today…well, let’s just say I’ll go off my medication for a couple days.
LET’S INTERRUPT THE WAR COVERAGE TO BRING YOU ANOTHER SPECIAL REPORT
I was reminded by someone of very great importance that a week from today is April 1st. On this occasion, the wit-impaired members of the IWC try to show everyone that they are, indeed, witty yet end up showing the world how witless they are, all of them by attempting to do April Fool columns. To cite one example, the Gooney Bird, Rick Scaia, always does one. So, if you head over to OO next Tuesday (or most places other than 411; I don’t do that kind of stuff), don’t trust anything you see, and don’t go off posting any of that stuff on your local whiteboard. Don’t make yourself look like a fool.
This ends our special report. Back to War Coverage.
AS THE MAN SAID, BACK TO WAR COVERAGE
(By the way, for those of you who care about the distinction, the United States is not at war. A declaration of war can only be done by Congress, and they have not done so. What happened here is that Dubbaya put together an Executive Order authorizing the use of troops in this situation, and then followed the procedure outlined in the War Powers Act of 1974 to create the situation we have now. So, in other words, it really is Dubbaya’s fault.)
Here’s something that isn’t Dubbaya’s fault: the final edition of Raw prior to Wrestlemania…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Jeff Hardy and Trish Stratus over Stevie Richards and Victoria, Who Says This Is A Mixed Tag? Match (Pinfall, Stratus pins Victoria, Stratusfaction off Richards’ chest): Sorry, was unpacking some of my kitchen. Like this would have interested me anyway. Nice Jazz run-in at the end, though. I still want her turned face.
Big Sump Pump over Christian (Pinfall, second-rope forearm slam): Another “who cares” match that involved my kitchen more than my attention to the show. However, it’s nice to see Steiner finally being punished for his bullshit in the upper-card by being put up against mid-carders who only rise to upper-mid-card when tagging. Please, dear God, let him start jobbing to Maven…oops, sorry, that slot’s already being taken by Rosey and Jamal, who jobbed to Maven and Tommy Dreamer in an International Heat match prior to Raw (thanks to Da Meltz for that one).
BookDust over Trip’n’Ric (Pinfall, Booker pins Trip, scissors kick): The geeks are going to be poring over the footage of the Booker/Trip confrontations in this match like monks vis-a-vis angels and heads of pins in order to try to figure out how they’re going to book the WM match. Keith is firmly convinced that Trip goes over at WM. I’m now firmly convinced that Booker will (in a fluke, of course). This was a test to see how much the audience would pop for a Booker title win. Given the reaction of the Sacramento crowd, this is going to be an acceptable option in Seattle. I think Trip understands his position now: ratings suck, he’s not drawing, so what about giving Booker a chance?
Rob Van Dam and Kane over Buh Buh Ray and D-Von Dudley, Number One Contenders’ Match (Pinfall, Van Dam pins…look, I really didn’t pay attemtion): And the reason I didn’t pay attention was the fact that the match was pre-ordained for the Hungry Hungry Hippos to win. This is especially true in regards to the Dudleys. WWE’s trying to keep the situations ambivalent as possible in order to keep the Dudz straddling the fence. The problem here is that, when the Dudz finally choose a side, the audience will greet them with a collective yawn and ignore them completely.
Angle Developments:
Cliches Abound: So in one promo, we get the old Restraining Order ploy, the old Cops-At-Ringside crap, and a bunch of people who don’t realize that “What?!” wore out its welcome over a year ago. Fifteen minutes in, and the show’s down the pisser. That’s not a record, but it sure as hell is one for a pre-WM show. We’re supposed to get pumped up and hyped, not nauseated with wallets closing.
“I’ll take ‘Overlooking The Obvious’ for a thousand, Alex”: Okay, so you have a situation. Steve Austin’s hanging around the parking lot, obviously waiting for something. The restraining order’s only good inside the building. Therefore, Austin’s not guilty of anything, right? Wrong. Austin is on private property. The building manager can have the cops come back and nail him for loitering. If Bisch explains his predicament, then the building manager has more reason to do so, considering that someone’s health might be in danger by that act of loitering and failure to act could lead to a lawsuit. Hey, if they want to kayfabe, go all the way.
Master of 1004 Holds and One Trick: Chris Jericho has now shown that he’s a master at acting tricks most wrestlers don’t care of front. Well, very happy now that I’m doing that kind of stuff. He has learned the use of inflectino and volume to heighten tensions inside of a promo. The stuff he did with Michaels, who just let Jericho stand aside and do his thing, was incredible. This, folks, is what makes the difference between evolution and stagnantion.
The Concert: The less said about that, the better.
Sorry about the lateness of this and all, but, let’s face it, I packed and unpacked the Damn Vaninator, did all the stuff above, did a two-hundred-fifty mile drive, part of it through Chicago rush hour traffic, and tried to stay awake during Raw. Something had to give. However, the mail must go through. See you tomorrow.
About Eric Szulczewski
