Wrestling News, Opinions, Etc. 03.26.03

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Okay, I’m nervous as hell about the new job, enough so that I’m doing this on Klonopin.  I rarely use Valium’s nastier, smaller cousin to do this column because it really f*cks me up.  However, I need the relaxation factor after still suffering exhaustion this morning on the way to my shrink.  So it’s either do the column under the influence or toss and turn all night.  I’ll take under the influence any day.

THE PIMP SECTION, SPONSORED THIS WEEK BY STARBUCKS

Rivett may hate high spots, but his column is always a high spot for 411 readers.

Williams makes a great case for his personal list of WM legends.  I find it hard to disagree with him on this one, which is a change from the norm.

Zucconi gets no name joke because I felt bad about the whole biscotti thing last week.  However, he blew his participation in the Round Table, and that needs as much audience as possible.  It’s the Raw of 411.

It’s not really a column link, but Syl, God bless his little analyzing ass, gave me a link to the party that Ludvig Borga rode to the Finnish Parliament.  So, if you want to find out more about The True Finns, be my guest.  The GOPers in the audience should have their hearts warmed by this platform.

Neither is this a column link, but Unca Ed Ostermeyer came up with a great line that I have to include about the new job:

Ain’t it great to have the old bosses admit, even tacitly, that they screwed up by letting you go in the first place, and therefore will be literally paying for that bit of out-of-place hubris at a premium rate?

Oh, it’ll definitely go against the grain of the VP of Operations, Mister “I Don’t Counteroffer Anybody And I’ll Avoid Giving Someone A Raise Whenever I Can”.  Instead of getting my computer experience as part and parcel of my job, now they’re going to have to pay eighty-five beans an hour for it to the consulting company.  My heart bleeds.

AW, CURT, COULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN EPHEDRA?

Well, Curt Hennig died from “acute cocaine intoxication”.  According to the medical examiners, it was enough to stop his heart but not enough to OD.  Yeah, that makes sense.  Cocaine is a CNS accelerant, and it can disrupt heart rhythms in certain individuals.  However, I’m disappointed in him.  A coke death is so…well, Eighties.  How about prescription drug overdose like painkillers (in other words, Doing A Pillman)?  Don’t get me wrong, death by misadventure is nothing to criticize.  I just wish he’d kept up with the times.

THREATS DO WORK ON OCCASION

Ah, the Raw ratings are in and they’ve dropped again (Austin proved the Two-Week Bump(tm) theory again).  However, both 1bullshit and Ashish did not mention anything about the current conflict cutting into ratings.  Therefore, Ashish survives to post another day.

UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES THEY DON’T

The Rock’s new movie is going to be called “Welcome To The Jungle”, which, to me, is complete desecration of one of the greatest songs of the 80s.  I won’t go on about this one, because it depresses me too much to even think about it.

MAILBAG!

Let’s discuss a situation that David Bishop has brought to my attention.  A1 Wrestling, a site that so desperately wants to be 411 that it’s kinda pathetic, has linked to some hard news sites.  Unfortunately, the hard news sites in question have a rather conservative bias with no seeming balance.  Fox News, the Free Republic News, the Drudge Report…hold it, what’s that doing on a list of hard news sites?  Has Matty-Poo done anything since break the Monica Lewinsky story?  That’s neither here nor there, though.

Over here, we have a great deal of balance in our coverage of world events.  On the left, there’s me.  On the right, there’s one Mistah T. Daniels.  The good thing about Daniels and myself is that we don’t try to force-feed our particular brand of politics on the reader.  We present our opinion, and we make sure that it’s only our opinion and not established fact (well, except when I talk about how sleazy Dubbaya is, and that’s even accepted by a large number of conservatives).  We allow freedom of thought and we encourage debate (and we also damn well respect each other and like each others’ work after an initial tirade by Daniels against me; we’re way past that now).  What A1 is doing is force-feeding ideology by providing these links.  This isn’t merely a political opinion, this is purposeful sponsorship of a hard-line conservative agenda.

Should a wrestling site attempt this kind of blatant sponsorship of a particular political view?  I don’t think so.  Yeah, I’m one of the prime culprits in people thinking that I’m doing that, but you can take me or leave me, and I don’t mind either way.  I’ll fight against you if your views are illogical or your facts are incorrect (see last week’s YAM), but if you present an opinion to me that is backed up with facts and is sincere, there’s no argument.  You believe what you believe, and you believe in what you believe.

And what I believe is simple:  we should get on with Mailbag…

Naturally, the regulars get first shot.  Let’s start with BFM:

I’m getting about as sick of the phrase “shock and awe” as I did the phrase “politics of personal destruction” in the late 90’s and “puppies!” during, well, any given WWE broadcast.

But all is not lost.  At least we in St. Louis will FINALLY be getting UPN on April 1.  So I can ditch Raw entirely and go to the Smackdown roster for a little quality wrestling.  Just in time for Angle to leave, dammit, but I’ll still take it.


“Shock and Awe” is the “What?!” of combat coverage.  I’m sick of it too.  I’m glad that you’re finally getting UPN, though.  That was one of the big weaknesses of the Shitty Cable System in Iowa:  not only no UPN, but no syndie coverage of SD.  Enterprise got two showings a week, but not SD.  I’m so damn glad I’m out of there.

The Pride Of Dartmouth, Elliot Olshansky, chimes in with three points:

-Booker looks too strong.  Looking like you’re going to beat the champion before Wrestlemania rarely translates to a win (see also Chavis, Chris before IC match at WM9).  I really don’t want to see Booker lose, both because Booker deserves a run with the Big Gold Belt, and because it could be a PR nightmare for WWE if the racist beats the black who has made a success of himself.

-Reason Why Flair Rules, #542:  I could tell he missed a couple of spots in the match: a chop block on Booker’s knee, and the Flair Flip.  But, if you hadn’t watched Flair for years and years, you would think that he was just grabbing whatever he could hold onto on Booker (i.e. his ankle), and took a face-first bump in the turnbuckle pad. 

-Jericho can be a main-event heel if he gets his ass to Smackdown and away from Trip.  His promo against HBK was fantastic, and he should really be with the SD talent, who he can have a good match with.


1) I think a Booker win is one reason that they low-keyed the racist aspect of Trip and Flair.  Agreed totally, except I’m still convinced that Booker’s coming away with the win, for reasons that I outlined yesterday.

2) I’ll chalk it up to ring rust for Flair.  He never used to suffer from that, but maybe his age is finally catching up to him a bit.  He should be okay by about his fourth match back, especially if he’s planning on wrestling a full schedule.

3) There’s one way around this whole situation with Jericho staying on Raw:  get into a feud with Booker and keep that low-key style.  This will contrast nicely with Booker’s normal promo style.  Also, he’d be a little lost on the SD roster.  His slot is being filled nicely by someone named Benoit.  However, what he’s doing right now gets my seal of approval.  Jack Bartram stated to me that the top promoers in WWE are Jericho and Angle right now, and I find it hard to disagree.

And, of course, The Priz(!) chimes in…

I can think of five words to top Academy Award Winner Eminem for biggest mindf*ck in the universe (not that it would happen, but just the thought): Pulitzer-Prize Winner David Wells. What a schmuck. He didn’t bite the hand that fed him, he took a chainsaw and sawed the thing off. Shit, at least you expect Eminem to pop off like white trash.

You forget that David Wells was in Chicago for a cup of coffee and an injury.  White Sox fans got to know him very well, and, let’s face it, he’s more white trash than Eminem will ever be.  The only surprise about his book is that he understood many of the words his ghostwriter used.

What do you think of Lamar Hunt’s plan to turn the NFL’s playoffs into the Sweet 16? Personally, I like it, and since the NFL players’ union has no pull whatsoever, I think it should get done.

Dunno on that one.  With hockey and basketball, I can sorta see half the teams getting into the playoffs.  But with a sixteen-game schedule, there’s not enough room and not enough differentiation between teams to allow for a playoff that involves half the teams in the league.

I’m surprised you’re not harder on Trip, especially since he wears his steroid-laced sperm on his shoulder. Oh well, if I could jerk off on national TV and get paid… I’ll believe your assertion that Booker will go over at WM when I see it. Remember, who’s the ONLY heel to have walked out of a WM main as a winner? Trip, and this year he’s probably not the main event, which increases the likelihood he’ll keep the belt, since he won’t have to worry about “sending the fans home happy.”

I’m not harder on Trip because every other columnist is, and I like to maintain some sort of uniqueness.  Also, even if the guy’s the ultimate political animal in wrestling in our time (or perhaps all-time; Dusty Rhodes was probably better), he’s a pragmatist at heart.  Remember, he jobbed to Undertweener at WM and carried him for a good portion of the match.  He’ll do what’s best for him, but even more important, he’ll do what’s best for WWE in order to stay in Vince’s ear and Steph’s vaginal cavity.  If people have convinced him that Booker deserves a shot to see what he can do with the title, Trip will go for it, and considering the ratings, Trip dropping the title can enable him to have his cake and eat it too.  He comes across as a nice guy backstage and not the manipulating bastard that he is, and he can also blame Booker if the ratings are still in the shitter.  A Trip loss is a win-win situation for him, if you understand.  The status quo isn’t.

The Ravin’ Cajun may be spotting the obvious, but he’s concerned:

The first contracts for rebuilding post-war Iraq have been awarded, and Vice President Dick Cheney’s old employer, Halliburton Co., is one of the early winners. (from CNN)…I’m probably one of the few Republicans who saw this and thought immediately “Gee, THAT sure seems convenient…”  I’m sorry, but isn’t there a conflict of interest in this that the Vice-President’s former employer and company in which he owned (And maybe still owns) stock in gets this prime piece of government work?

I think that Psycho Dick’s going to get away with this one via the old “blind trust” excuse, since Halliburton actually has experience in this kind of area and would be a “natural” choice.  But I don’t trust it any more than you do, Beau, not after Enron.

Chris Arrington, who’s now officially elevated into the upper-mid-card of regulars, gets on the Trip bandwagon:

With what happened on Raw last night I fear the absolute worst that HHH will not have the balls to lose the title Sunday.  Usually when there is a tag match with the two participants in the PPV title match and the challenger pins the champ clean in that match,the champ wins the title match.  I hope he has the sense to take that three count.  But I fear his ego won’t let him.  Have a good day.

P.S.  I would like to leave you with what I hope is the campaign slogan for the elections of 2004.  It is a phrase that I feel will lead to parties all over the colleges of this great country.  That slogan is “Shave Bush in 2004”.


See above for my rationale about that.  And as for Shaved Bush, I wouldn’t go all the way with it.  Maybe a nice donkey pattern.

Matthew Johnston asks a good question:

Did I read correctly somewhere that actually war hasn’t been declared since the Second World War or is that just tripe?

No, tripe is the emptied and steamed stomachs of cattle.  The statement you heard is true.  Korea was a “police action” under UN auspicies.  Vietnam started off as advisors under Eisenhower and Kennedy, then moved into crank action through LBJ’s manipulation of the Tonkin Gulf Incident into an international crisis (to prevent this kind of crap from ever happening again, Congress passed the War Powers Act in 1974).  Gulf War I followed the same pattern as Gulf War II.  So war has not been officially declared since WWII.

Rob Poudrier wishes to debate semantics with me, apparently not knowing that I tend to crush people in these types of arguments:

Congress authored and passed overwhelmingly a resolution authorizing Bush to use force in Iraq, and while not a declaration of war, certainly a clear sign congress was in favor

Ding Ding, Dora.  That kind of resolution is what the War Powers Act is all about.  And as for Congress voting overwhelmingly, they kinda, like, knew that Dubbaya was going to do this, and do you want to risk reelection with an opponent saying that you “voted against national security”?

Boy, I throw a bone to Noo Yawk and Bren Buckley goes after me:

Wow, now usually I find your commentary bang on, but Scorsese?  Him winning would have just been another of the stupid Lifetime Achievement Oscars,  Gangs of New York might have been a good movie (I think it was pretty good) but it wasn’t well directed, it jumped all over the place, there was absolutely no focus, he tried to tie in way too many storylines and except for Lewis got nothing out of his stars.  Him winning would have been way worse then Polanski, I’m just gald he won because it brings back at least a semblance of mystery to the awards. I figure Scorcese had it locked because he got nothing for Taxi Driver or Raging Bull.  He definitely didn’t deserve to win, Peter Jackson did.   I just hope he at least gets a nod for Return of the King.

Given the nominees, I would have thought that this would have been the perfect time to hand it to Marty, but the Academy thought differently.  It would have been Lifetime Achievement, admittedly, but Gangs of Noo Yawk was one of his most ambitious and best works.  And I ditto you on Peter Jackson.  It mystifies me how he keeps avoiding nominations.  My best guess is that the Academy went through a couple of different “blockbuster” phases and made some idiotic mistakes in the awards, so now the pendulum’s fully back the other way and it’s bad timing.  That probably victimized Marty as well.

Joe Merkel made an interesting point:

Not to show what a legal nerd I am but if Hogan signed the contract with blood or more correctly, the color red, wouldn’t the contract be invalid for Wrestlemania? THat is our only hope for that match being stopped.

No, you can sign a legal document in red, or in any color you like, or even in blood.  However, doing it when non compos mentis would definitely invalidate the contract.

Memo to Eric Bryar:  I don’t think a younger demographic would necessarily have been for Dubbaya.  They’d be more likely to have been Gore voters.  Therefore, Vinny Mac is not responsible for the war, no matter how much he’d like to think he is.

Mea Culpa to David Brown:  I did mix up Peter and Paul Jackson.  Of course, Paul Jackson produced some of my favorite Britcoms, so I was more likely to have him in the front of my mind.  Thanks for reminding me.  Also, my comments about Pedro Almodovar do not make me homophobic; he’s a great director who just happens to be gay, a fact which may not be known by the audience (in both respects).  I had a little jest with that fact, and if you were offended, again, my apologies.  I’d like to demolish your Adrien Brody:Ben Kingsley comparison.  Kingsley’s been nominated twice since he won for Gandhi, so I’d take him off the list of fluke winners.

Seth Ogan gave me this link, which I think is hilarious.  Conservatives will be offended by some material, but it’s a good laugh.

And that’ll be it for me for this week.  I’ll be in for the Round Table, of course, where I’ll have some choice remarks to make.  Until then, enjoy the rest of the news for this week, and keep tuning in.