Junk News, Huzzah! 03.27.03

WRESTLING JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week, proving what I’ve been saying all along; Two and a half hours and no Rodney Mack makes for low ratings.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. In an AIM conversation with Scott Keith after Raw, Scott told me that the numbers would tell the story, proving what I’ve been saying all along; Scott Keith is right about everything.

Raw’s rating fell to a 3.4 this week. The brass in the WWE seems to think that the war in Iraq had a lot to do with the WWE’s low rating, proving what I’ve been saying all along; We must find and execute The Iron Sheik.

Poor Edge. First his neck injury, and now Rhyno had an affair with his wife. After discovering this through a hidden security camera in his bedroom, Edge posted the details in his WWE.com column. Below is Edge’s description of what happened after Rhyno slept with his wife.

“Afterward he stayed at my house and ate everything. A dozen of my wife’s famous “Alanah Banana Choco Chip muffins,” followed by eating the rest of the batter! And then a loaf of crunchy French toast in the morning!”

From that point on, Edge seemed to break down. He typed incoherently about Mick Foley, saying, “Dude is insane,” and such. Finally, Edge stated that he hated Rhyno with all his being, “but my wife and dogs love him.”

I for one would like to say shame! Shame on you, Rhyno. Shame on you for sleeping with an injured man’s wife and eating all of his food! Edge thought you were his friend, but you were nothing more then a home wrecker! You made his dogs love you? Disgusting. Days like this make me yearn for the Scarlet A. Good luck, Edge, and damn you to hell, Rhyno. I hope you choke on your crunchy French toast. Or is that freedom toast now?

There’s a strange story about the Smackdown main event at Wrestlemania. When it looked like Kurt Angle was going to be out, Vince McMahon pushed for Sgt. Slaughter to resume his role as the Iraqi turncoat, beat Brock Lesnar for the title on Smackdown, and then defend it against Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania. Unfortunately, General Adnan could not be located, so the angle was scrapped.

Steve Austin was on the Jimmy Kimmel show Tuesday night and won the makeshift Pillow Fighting Championship belt in a match with Jimmy’s cousin Sal. If Austin had an inch of class, he would have eaten some feathers thus creating a star in Sal.

The Rock’s movie, formerly titled Hellderado, has been renamed Welcome to the Jungle. The other suggested name was Hellcome to the Jungle, but I think they made the right choice.

Velocity, Confidential and Third Degree Live all scored a 0.7 rating. Wait a second The triple .7s Triple H the Triple crown OH MY GOD! I’VE GOT NOTHING!

Chris Jericho’s Fozzy lost to Howard Stern’s Losers in a battle of the bands. The two music executives split the vote, but a mysterious third judge name Hugo Horatio Handy voted for Stern, saying that Jericho wasn’t quite up to their, he meant Stern’s, level yet.

In a preview for NWA: TNA, there are two surprise matches. The first is Dusty Rhodes vs. ? in a Bunkhouse Brawl. My money is on Ted Dibiase. The second one is XXX and the Harris Brothers vs. The New Church and ? in an eight man tag. My money is on Vince Russo’s kids. Some would say I’m an idiot for placing all of my money on these people being the special guests, but some should SHUT UP!

The decision to air the Smackdown recap after Raw was made because the war preempted Smackdown in most markets last week. Thank God they explained it, because I was confused. I mean, I thought Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle and Stephanie McMahon and Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon had been traded to Raw for Rodney Mack. That was the only explanation I had as to why Rodney Mack wasn’t on the show. I’ll look into this some more.

Despite not appearing on television much, Sean O’Haire remains at #1 on the 411 Interactive Countdown. But hey, I’m not telling you something you don’t already know.

Exclusive, late breaking news! Hulk Hogan

See, you’d already know that thing about Sean O’Haire if you looked at the Interactive Countdown. I assumed you had.

Hulk Hogan was brutally

I guess you didn’t already know about it if you didn’t already check out the Interactive Countdown. I apologize for the misunderstanding and I’ll try to be more honest with you in the future. I didn’t mean to lie.

Hulk Hogan was brutally trampled in a

In retrospect, maybe I should have just stated that Sean O’Haire was #1 on the countdown and made some Irish joke, maybe about drinking or freckles. Something less confusing for all of you, you know? Anyway, I lost my train of thought. Let’s just move on.

I hope you don’t like Smackdown, cause I’m about to ruin it for you.

Kendrick and Mysterio fight the TeamMatts. Your Matt fact? “Matt hates pushes that play to his weaknesses.”

Eddie fights Charlie in a battle of the 1950’s generic first names.

John Cena raps and says that he’s going to call out Brock Lesnar. There’s also a vignette of Cena pretending to be Eminem and stealing the Oscar.

Palumbo is supposed to have a match with Nathan Jones, but Jones dispenses with Palumbo before the match. The Undertaker is so turned on by the wanton violence that he brings Nathan home to Sara for a threesome. I wouldn’t have a problem with this angle if it didn’t take up an hour and a half of the show.

We take a break as our local UPN anchor tells us that we’ve found Saddam Hussein’s body and stuffed it full of pork before force feeding it to his sons.

There are then clips of Vince McMahon training with Shane McMahon, who teaches Vince not just how to wrestle, but that the father-son bond is a sacred one. Vince gets better at neither.

Torrie and Nidia wrestle after Nidia bitches to Jaime about Torrie. Jaime stops listening after a while and starts to think about how he would eat a Reeces Penut Butter Cup. He’d put the whole thing in his mouth, wrapper and all, chew for a bit and then spit of the wrapper, the candy all gone. Yeah. That’d be awesome.

Big Show and A-Train confront Nathan Jones, then fight Rhyno (Really, Edge was friend. How could you?) and Chris Benoit. Jones interferes in the match, breaking the rules and thus getting fired from the WWE. With no source of income, Nathan Jones robs a liquor store but is caught and extradited to Australia. He escapes from the plane but does so while the plane is in the air. This is so not funny. Even I’m annoyed by this. Still, I started it. I have to finish it. Surviving the thousand foot fall, Nathan Jones finds himself in the Amazon Rainforest, surrounded by natives. When he shrugs off their blow dart attacks, the natives realize that Nathan Jones should be their new king. Thus, it should not surprise you to know that the natives made Nathan Jones their new king. So now Nathan Jones is now the king of the Amazon Rainforest after surviving a fall from a plane and being fired by the WWE and robbing a liquor store. See? I’m irreverent.

Kurt Angle asks for directions to Brock Lesnar’s dressing room at a fork in the backstage area. The two men he asks tell him that one of them always lies, and the other always tells the truth. They both tell him to go down a different path. Kurt ponders this for a moment, then asks an intern, and she tells him where the locker room is. Kurt thanks her and walks past the weirdoes, who look very disappointed.

Hulk Hogan gives an interview with his son and Jimmy Hart. Hogan talks about beating McMahon for awhile, then Jimmy grabs the mike and shoots all over Mancow. Then Hogan’s son grabs the might and challenges Horace Hogan to a match on the moon and with hair on the moon. Hogan’s son then vacantly smiles at his father, who shakes his head disapprovingly and silently weeps. Tragic.

Shelton fight Chavo because blacks and Latinos despise one another.

Kurt talks to Brock. It goes well, and they decide to forget about the match and play checkers at Wrestlemania. Call me crazy, but I smell a checker board being used as a weapon!

Cena fights Rikishi for some very odd reason. And that’s Smackdown.

It looks like Kevin Nash will return as Diesel in order to get a better position in the company. And I thought the price of diesel fuel was going down.

It looks like Kevin Nash will return as Diesel in order to get a better position in the company. This proves the old saying, “Everything old is old again.”

Rapper Fabolous will accept John Cena’s challenge to a battle rap at Wrestlemania. Oh yeah, this is a good idea. This is going to work out fine. Nothing but smooth sailing from here on out.

The television movie about Owen Hart’s life may or may not be ready by the end of 2003. They hit a snag in February when the producers asked Bret Hart to tell them a little about working with Owen and Vince McMahon, as Bret Hart has not finished talking.

Guitarists from Snot and Korn will join Limp Bizkit at Wrestlemania. Snot, corn and biscuits, my favorite foods!

MOVIE JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

I saw the Pianist and Catch Me If You Can this week. I liked both films in their own way, and I can see why Adrien Brody won the Oscar. It surprised the hell out of me, as I was pretty sure that people named Brody never succeed at anything. (Okay, that was the last one. I swear.)

Congrats go out to Madonna, who managed to win 3 Razzies for two different films. Madonna acted surprised when she heard the news. Her poor job of acting surprised garnered her yet another Razzie.

Despite losing best screenplay, best actor and best director to the Pianist, Chicago won the Academy Award for best picture. The entire cast of the Pianist complained at the after party, except for Roman Polanski, who was in a lawless country having sex with a 12 year old elephant. See! You thought I was going to say girl, but I’m irreverent. I rule. Oh man, how I rule.

Now that I’ve cleaned my tears off my keyboard, Shannon Elizabeth has joined a pretty impressive young cast for Wes Craven’s next film, Cursed. Shannon said she can’t wait to do a movie where she’s suppose to curse as much as she’d like. I tried to tell her she was mistaken, but she kept calling me a pig f*ckering shitknocker. So I got dressed, threw a fifty on the table and left.

The fourth Indiana Jones film will not feature Nazi’s as the bad guys. What, instead, it’ll feature Nazi’s as the good guys? Man, Spielberg is losing it.

Tom Hanks may coughlifeasahousecough star in the remake of a 1952 coughlifeasahousecough Japanese film in which a guy gets stomach cancer and builds a coughlifeasahousecough park. I think I need a drink of water.

According to Robert England, Freddy is really sick in the upcoming Freddy vs. Jason film, even by Freddy standards. I get it! This is kind of like the English Patient, with Jason nursing Freddy back to life and stuff. Awesome.

Morgan Freeman may star in a Hip-Hop musical. God, I am so sick of hi-hop musicals starring Morgan Freeman! Aren’t five enough?

Brett Ratner is no longer directing the Superman movie, and instead will be directing Rush Hour 3. Ratner was heard to remark, “Whatever. Just gimme money, movie studios, and I shall be your willing rodent. I shall run the maze, taking the wrong turns occasionally, but I will find the cheese! I am now, and forever, the rat.” Ratner then gnawed through the wall and scurried away.

Junk news. Huzzah.

TV GUIDE!

Thurday

8- The Smackdown before Wrestlemania is usually important, and this one seems to be no different. While nothing is for sure, this might be Kurt’s last Smackdown for awhile, so let’s enjoy it while we can.

10- With ER in reruns, tune in to FX to catch the Shield. They’re having a marathon of all 12 episodes this season from last night until Tuesday, and while not as awesome as last season, this season was very good. If you haven’t yet, check it out all week long.

Friday

8- Talk about crappy television. Even the movies suck. I’d go with Fastlane on Fox, and then, I dunno, Reba and Grounded for Life on the WB. Or you could do something on Friday night and enjoy yourself. Either way.

10- The Shield.

Saturday

8- Movie night. HBO has High Crimes, which does not star Redman and Method Man. Starz has Birthday Girl, featuring Nicole Kidman and a Russian accent? Where’s she Russian to? To accept her Oscar, of course. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I’d go with Nicole.

10- The Shield.

Sunday

7- Didn’t feel like ordering Wrestlemania? That’s fine. On Fox there’s a new Futurama, a new King of the Hill, a new Simpsons and a new Oliver Beane. Can we bribe Fox to switch Oliver Beane and Malcom in the Middle? Think they’d go for that?

9- Six Feet Under is progressing nicely. I missed the last episode, but it should be in reruns soon enough. I bet there’s a lot of gay stuff and death.

10- The Shield.

Monday

8- Boston Public is still pretty good. Does that teacher Danny teach anymore? And what does he do with his sister’s kid while he’s teaching? And what happened to the genius 13 year old? If you know the answer’s, e-mail me.

9- Raw? Yeah, why not? The after Wrestlemania Raw should be pretty good, or it could suck crap. I didn’t comment on the Gberg rumors because I hope they’re just rumors. We’ll see.

11- The Shield.

Tuesday

8- Buffy is a repeat, and not a particularly good one, so watch the Stooge’s anniversary on NBC. Should be funny stuff if you like Jew on Jew on Jew violence.

9- 24 is back! Long live 24! Death to American Idol! Will Jack be able to prevent war in the Middle East? Did slapping the shit out of Tony hurt Jack’s career? Will Jack give Kate Warner to the evil guy in exchange for information or something? Tune in! Find out.

10- The Shield’s season finale. Oh man, I’m pumped for this. So pumped. Vick is arrested. The money train. Aceveda f*cking over Vick. Detective Wyms taking over the precinct. When a season finale teasers state, “The whole season has been building up to this,” they’re usually full of crap. No crap this time.

Wendesday

8- Dateline on NBC might be a good choice as the war may be winding down by then.

9- I watched Angel last week because Willow was on it and it was pretty good. I caught up with an episode guide and will probably watch it this week. Hard to turn down the West Wing, though.

10- The awesomeness that is the Comedy Central power hour, South Park and Chapelle’s show is on. Check it out or wreck yourself. Fool.

That’s it. Prepare to watch, viewing monkeys.

READ THESE COLUMNS!!! Sheep.

Chris Pankonin is always awesome on Mondays, and he gave me a plug so I’m giving one right back to him! The Big Monday News Report rules all, and I don’t think anything can stop it from going on and on.

In a related story, a friend reminded me that April 1st is coming and lame Internet writers will be putting forth “hilarious” gag columns, only to scream: “GOT’CHA” at the end. Could we be the victim of a tRICK? Find out soon!

Grut vs. Widro as Daniels has fallen off the face of the Earth! Deep issues are resolved, and old wounds reopened as we discuss Goldberg.

My main man Haley goes over the little things while my main man Dino makes his mark on his territory. Two good columns. Jiggety check before you wreck. Did I use that line twice?

JOSH’S CORNER OF THE SKY, CAUSE HE’S JUST LIKE PIPPIN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Curt Hennig died from “acute cocaine intoxication.” Well, thank you both so much. Thank you, 1wrestling.com, for printing that information. Thank you, Ashish, for reporting it on our site. I feel a great service has been provided to the IWC by having this information shared with us all. Now we all know that Curt died from cocaine.

I’m sorry. I’m just confused as to why we needed to know this information. In fact, I’m sort of angry we had to know this information. The reporters of this news are just as guilty as those who clicked on the link, including myself. Our demand for these details, which have absolutely nothing to do with wrestling, should make us all a little ashamed. What a person leaves behind, besides physical items, are memories, a legacy. Curt Hennig left different legacies with his family, his friends, and his fans. Let his family and friends know why he died, maybe they could understand the way he lived a little better. Most of us fans knew nothing about the way he lived, only that he was a great wrestler who gave us many outstanding matches. Now we know he died doing drugs. Our memories of him are now forever corrupted by this information, however subtly. We don’t owe these guys much, as it’s their job to entertain us for a living. Maybe we can give them one thing, though, and I’m just asking the IWC here for a favor. When they die, unless it’s from steroids or a performance enhancing product, can we give them just an iota of respect by mourning them while minding our business? Just wondering.