411 News Update 4.1.03

Accurate Internet Comics News Website Heralds End Times, Say Scholars

NEW YORK – People everywhere were indirectly shocked early this week, when little-known comics fandom magazine 411mania.com released an accurate report upon the cancellation of comic book “The Power Company”. People were even more shocked yesterday, however, when it became clear that this report was the sign that would break open the Seventh Seal and usher in the end times. A team of cabalistic scholars announced this conclusion yesterday, at a small press conference in New York City.

“It isn’t like we didn’t see it coming,” said Rev. Jermiah Finch of the First Baptist Church of Manhattan. “Look at the news and the constant warfare, strife between usually peaceful religious orders and everything else occurring in the world today. It is obvious that Armageddon is upon us. But nobody in the religious community was expecting this to be the final straw!”

After an intense study of various writings, including the Revelation of Saint John, the writings of Nostradamus and a dog-eared and stained copy of Wizard #114, this team of scholars determined that the final incident to herald the End of the World would be an Internet-based news magazine releasing an accurate news story.

“Its just a sign that the world is going crazy,” said Father Joe Chapa of the Gotham Diocese. “Internet news, especially that for comic news sites, is never completely true if not totally inaccurate or even totally lacking any basis in reality. This is a solid fact and 411Comics publishing such a story is as opposed to the fundamental nature of reality, as sure as the sky is not red as blood and the seas do not boil.”

411 Comics Editor Ben Morse was unavailable for comment as to how this might affect the publishing of the magazine, as he was, according to one source “hiding under his blankie and sucking his thumb.”

“Planetary’s” Next Issue To Print Before “Rising Stars”, Swears Ellis

“Bloody geezers won’t know what hit them,” states tired British hack.

Rabid Fanboy Captured in Kevin Smith Hostage Case

RED BANK – Police in Red Bank, New Jersey were able to prevent tragedy yesterday, as a belligerent fanboy was removed from the stately manor of comic writer and film director Kevin Smith, after a five hour stand-off.

The fanboy was identified as 23 year-old Damon Swindall of Lewisville, Texas. Swindall, a technical support rep and part-time exotic dancer apparently journeyed over 2000 miles in order to force Smith, at gunpoint, to finish writing the final issues of the “Daredevil: The Target” mini-series, which was three months late at last count.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Swindall said in a statement through his lawyer. “The first Daredevil book took forever to come out. And then Green Arrow gave me some hope he could stick to a schedule, even though he missed a few issues, but they were all so good and worth waiting for! But then Spider-Man/Black Cat wound up six months late and then… I don’t know. I had to do something!”

Swindall is currently being held on charges of breaking and entering, stalking, harassment, assault and failure to stalk an attractive celebrity. He is expected to plead insanity. Despite this, many members of the fandom community have come out in support of Swindall, despite his expressions of sorrow for his actions.

“We need more fans with Damon’s dedication,” said Bruce Elliot, president of Comic Readers Against Belated Stories. “If we had more people like him, we might yet see another Astro City series in our lifetime!”

IPECAC Imprint to Follow Marvel Comics’ EPIC Imprint

On Friday, Marvel held its press conference that both officially announced its Ipecac imprint, and gave the lowdown on the rollout, starting with Bill Jemas’ MARVILLE TOO, shipping in June 31st.

Ipecac, like Epic, according to Marvel President Bill Jemas, will be assembled be made by creative teams that will be responsible for their own editing, digital composting, lettering, and everything else. Unlike Epic, which will be devoted to bringing back beloved Marvel characters and publishing certain creator-owned concepts, Ipecac will be devoted to publishing the stories that only a select few want to see continued.

Bill Jemas, Joe Quesada and Mike Doran were present at the conference. Jemas stated that his feeling that Marvel could use an Ipecac brand came from his experiences writing MARVILLE a series which he admitted did not sell well or garner any critical or fan support, but which he really really wanted to see published .

“This will allow us to continue attracting new readers with exciting new artists and writers who don’t adhere to thirty plus years of continuity, while still appealing to the dozens of people who really want a book centering around Bishop or Nova,” says Jeams. “Its an important market which has been long neglected and we feel that it should be pandered to.”

Quesada commented that Epic enables Marvel to produce concepts that in the past they may have seen as interesting concepts, but would not have been supported in a manner that would have been economically feasible for Marvel as a whole. “It’s our imprint where we get to take the ideas that a few people found popular but which the majority of fandom society hated and shove them down your throats. Metaphorically, of course.”

Quesada declined to comment upon the first series of Ipecac titles past MARVILLE TOO, but he did deny that Rob Liefield is returning to Marvel to head up the line with a new Cable #1.

“Looking To The Stars” Writer Matt Morrison Missing

Scott Kurtz, Mark Millar and Judd Winnick wanted for questioning.

Former Fanzing Editor Dies In Possible Viagra-Related Incident

Devotees of DC Comics fan-fiction and artwork were saddened today to learn of the death of Michael “Hutch” Hutchinson.

Hutchinson, 32, was renowned as the world’s biggest Elongated Man fan and perhaps te world’s only Elongated Man fan. He was also beloved in his position as the editor of the once popular and now defunct fanzine Fanzing. He is survived by his loving widow.

Though an autopsy has yet to be performed as of this writing, authorities believe, based on evidence in the garage laboratory where his body was found, that Hutchinson died of an accidental overdose of the popular erectile-dysfunction fighting drug Viagra.

“I wish I could say I’m shocked,” said David Black, friend and assistant editor to Hutchinson. “Michael had a deep love of superheroes, especially his favorite, Ralph Dibny. He had talked about finding a way to give himself stretching powers for real but I always thought he was just kidding.”

Ralph Dibny, aka The Elongated Man, gained his powers from an elixir made from the fruit of the gingo plant. This elixir gave those with the proper genetic aptitude the ability to stretch their bodies to great lengths. Authorities theorize that lacking gingo, which is entire fictional, he substituted the first thing that came to mind when he tried to find a substance that caused extensive lengthening of the body.

“I blame the e-mail,” says a tearful Mrs. Hutchinson. “All those offers for cheap, herbal growth aids he kept getting. They just kept teasing him with that boyhood dream and he just lost it. I tried to reason with him, saying he was man enough already… but he would just say “Later, Sue! I smell a mystery!” and lock himself in the garage.”

An open-casket memorial service will be held next Tuesday, 3 pm, at Great Lakes Comics. Donations in Michael’s name are being taken at the St. Paul’s Center For Homeless Carnie Folk.

Overjoyed Peter David Declares Victory

“Not every title I wrote was canceled this month!” cheers scribe of Captain Marvel, former writer of Supergirl and Young Justice.

Offspring Sued By DC Comics Over Song

Claim they own all rights to the title “Original Prankster”.

Lawsuits To Be Filed Against 411Comics

So says The Amazing Kreskin, Jonathan Edwards and Criswell.

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