Junk News, Huzzah! 04.03.03

There’s tons of wrestling stuff to get to, but before we begin, I’d like to ask you guys for help again. Before I ask, I’d like to make one thing very clear: You don’t owe me anything. I asked for your help before for something far more noble than what I’m about to. You have proved to me that you appreciate me, and you have no idea how much I still appreciate all of you for that. You helped me prove to my best friend that there are still good people in the world. Whenever you hear someone make a joke about wrestling fans and you feel slightly ashamed, you remember that wrestling fans showed kindness to a person they didn’t know and reaffirmed that person’s life. I am proud to write for you. You owe me nothing more.

I’m a writer. I love to write. It’s what I do. I’ve written a screenplay, a pilot, a spec script, about a hundred short stories and around 15 one-act plays. The one-act plays are some of my favorite works, and I’m looking to produce 3 of them and a bunch of my monologues off-Broadway in NYC. More like off-off-Broadway, but you get the picture. This will be the first time my work has been performed off of a school campus, and it is essentially the beginning of my career. If it succeeds, I probably become a writer for the rest of my life. If it fails, I join the corporate world and try to make it as a writer in my spare time. That is much easier said then done.

I want to be a writer. I want to write shows and stories and movies for a living. It’s my dream. I have very little money, and I need help.

My friend Zach set up a website for me. It’s my bare bones page but it serves its purpose. If you click on that link, the first thing you will see is a very brief description of the work I’ve done, as well as a pay pal donation button and my home address. Before you donate your money to me, you can click on the writing link at the bottom of the page. This will bring you to two pieces of my work. The first are the plays I hope to put on, entitled, “Grutman on Grutman or Something Egotistical Like That.” The second is a Simpsons spec script I thought you’d like. You can read through them whether or not you want to donate. If the site crashes you can e-mail me and I’ll send them to you. I don’t think the site will crash.

I don’t have much to offer. For a donation of 5 dollars, I’ll send you a very short, never before read Wrestling Tale along with my five favorite wrestling tales with special commentary. For a 10 dollar donation, I’ll send you the Wrestling Tales and a copy of my screenplay. It’s pretty funny. For 20 dollars or more I’ll send you the Wrestling Tales, the screenplay, my pilot and my favorite short story. I’d tell you what I’d do for a hundred dollars, but I don’t think it’s legal to write on this kind of a website.

That’s all I have to offer. It’s not much, but it’s what I have. You can tell your friends you helped to produce a play in NYC, if that means anything. Thank you for indulging me and helping me get my dream off the ground. Again, click here if you’d like to read my work and maybe make a donation. Otherwise, on with the wrestling jokes. There’s a lot of wrestling stuff to talk about today, so I think I’ll stick with that this week. Watch the usual stuff on television and go see Phone Booth on Friday.

WRESTLING JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Rock vs. Austin at Wrestlemania. Shawn Michaels. Roddy Piper and Piper’s Pit. Goldberg. A Smackdown surprise I won’t ruin just yet. Austin gets fired by Eric Bischoff for having an injured neck. Diesel. Holy crap. You know that expression, everything old is new again? I don’t think that they meant that EVERYTHING old is new again at the same time.

Steve Austin did spend the night at the hospital before Wrestlemania after suffering from palpitations of the heart caused by stress. The hospital stay did not help Austin’s stress level as Vince McMahon snuck into the hospital dressed as a doctor, hit Austin with a bedpan and then violated him with a catheter.

Raw did a 3.7 rating this week, disappointing many who thought that with Goldberg showing up, a post-Wrestlemania Raw would do at least a 4.0. You know what? Had there been a pinch of Rodney Mack, maybe you’d be looking at a 4.0 right now. Look at the Mack facts. Raw with Mack two weeks ago: 4.0. Raw without Mack a week ago: 3.4. Raw without Mack but a huge surprise being hyped which may have been the return of Rodney Mack but wasn’t: 3.7. I guess Vince was able to fool .3 of Mack’s .6 fans. He sure as hell fooled me.

According to Dave Scherer, on April Fool’s some anonymous WWE wrestler wrote a column for 1wrestling.com. In this column, he complained about not having a Wrestlemania spot and was pissed that people like Albert and Nathan Jones did. Vince McMahon promised that when he finds out who wrote the Internet column they will dismiss him as a nerd who doesn’t know enough about the business to comment on it.

Smackdown was taped on Tuesday. As per Jewish law, in order to keep Smackdown kosher, I must divulge the results before it goes on the air.

Stephanie McMahon announces that Brock Lesnar has a concussion and Kurt Angle may be out for up to two months. Now that we can stop being concerned about Brock having a broken neck, I wonder how embarrassed he feels? Imagine if Hulk Hogan had gone for the body slam on Andre the Giant and instead folded in half.

Stephanie then announces an 8 man tournament for the honor of facing Brock Lesnar at Backlash. Get this, the brackets are actually planned out in advance! The first round matches are Rey vs. The Undertaker, Cena vs. Guerroro, Benoit vs. A-Train and Rhyno vs. Big Show. If I were a betting man, and I am, I’d put all my money on The Big Show, which I did. Maybe I could double my bank account, and then I wouldn’t need your help for my shows!

Undertaker started the tournament off against Rey. In a shocking upset, The All-American Dead Badass managed to defeat the cunning yet crafty “friend of Carlos.”

Vince asked some random guy if Hulk Hogan had shown up yet. The guy answered no and then told Vince a story about how he almost died while working out and it was such an honor to be back in the WWE, but Vince didn’t know who he was.

Kendrick beats Noble but gets beaten up by Hardy who challenges Lesnar who sees pretty colors and hears a horrible ringing at the moment.

They announced that Piper’s Pit will be back starting next week. The panel will consist of Larry King, Bob Costas, Terri Runnels and David Duke. The topic will be whether or not Geraldo had any right to divulge information about his battalion’s position.

Benoit fights A-Train and beats him. Don’t worry. A-Train gets his heat back after the match by grabbing the mike and screaming, “CHOO CHOO! A chugachugachugachuga CHOO CHOO!”

Vince and Stephanie talk about Hogan. Stephanie suddenly bursts out laughing, saying, “Hey! If you get rid of the Ste, my name is Phanie! That sounds like fannie! That’s a nicer word for butt!” Stephanie didn’t stop laughing for the rest of the night.

Sean O’Haire gives us permission to kill homeless people.

Cena fights Eddie and wins, then battle raps a guy in the crowd who kind of looks like TuPac.
“You came back from the dead
Like some Jesus TuPac
Stab you in the head
Then I’m sending you back!
Word! Life!”

Hogan gets out of his car with his kid and Jimmy Hart. Both Hogan and the kid have big smiles, and Jimmy Hart wipes some white stuff off his face. HAHAHA! I think it’s funny when Jimmy Hart gets powdered donut on his face.

Torrie Wilson comes out for her coming out party. You might want to skip down if you don’t want a major spoiler. Sable returns. A lot of people are going to be calling this pathetic, but I think it’s more sad then pathetic. It’s not sad that the WWE hired her back. Sable did an awful lot for women’s wrestling in the WWE. It’s sad that she had to come back. Regardless of her attitude problems, she was treated pretty horribly backstage. Finding human feces in your bag should not be a part of any job. She left as a proud woman, maybe too proud, viewing herself as Tina Turner leaving Ike to make it on her own without abuse. She just didn’t have enough talent, and she has crawled back to her former abuser. Just to drive the point home about who really wears the pants, the first thing her abuser did was to place her in a lesbian angle, the same kind she so vehemently opposed and actually mentioned in her law suit (Unless I’m thinking of Nicole Bass. I think I’m right.). Good luck, Rena. I hope you have a good couple of months before it falls apart again.

Team Angle fights Funaki and Tajiri. Guess who wins. Really, take a flying f*cking shot at guessing who wins this match.

The FBI is shown walking down a hallway, although they don’t seem to be involved in any matches. My guess is that this means nothing, or that Nathan Jones is stalking them. I can’t wait for Nathan to spring his trap and hit all of them with really shitty kicks.

The Big Show fights Rhyno with a screwjobtastic finish. Rhyno wins, much to Eugene Ionesco’s delight. (Someone has to get that. Please, if you got that, e-mail me. If you don’t get that you’re not stupid, but someone has to know about and love Ionesco other then me.)

Hogan and Vince close the show with an interview in which Hogan is fired. With ratings plummeting, injuries all around, and the WWE’s only possible savior being a guy who doesn’t give two craps in hell about the business, I think the best thing you can do on both shows is fire your top face on camera. That’ll bring the marks in!

Oh, in case I didn’t mention it, Goldberg is back in pro wrestling and really excited to be here. He gave an interview to wwe.com in which he really seemed to give a crap about what people thought of him. When asked if he was passionate about wrestling, he said he was passionate about “entertaining” the little kids. This was after he started off the interview using the word, “shit.” Don’t worry, Bill. I’m sure none of your fans visit wwe.com.

Still, I know what to do with Goldberg! Goldust needs a partner, and I think Goldberg would fill that slot perfectly. I just can’t think of a clever name for them.

Hey! Eric S. commented on something the torch wrote! Better be careful, Eric. Uncle T. kicked me out of the lounge, and I praised him. If you’re not really lucky and none of the torchers (I want you guys over there to know I was considering calling you flamers because of the torch thing, but I’m nice and gay jokes are stupid when used as an insult) read what you wrote, you may find yourself on a one way trip to Loungelessville. Population: Us.

Dean Malenko was not at the Smackdown taping this week as his wife is due to deliver a baby any day now. Doctor’s predict that the baby will be short but when the other babies make fun of it, Dean’s baby will kick their ass.

Just to help the web searches for this article, Lesbians French Kissing. Hehehe. Oh, and Horse Sex.

Big news, everyone! Big, huge news! In his latest WWE column, Edge reports that the gigantic scab on his neck came off like a fruit roll up. Look for the scab to be signed by the WWE and job to HHH three weeks into its run.

Weird question, but what happened to Tenacious Z? Shouldn’t he be in the WWE and making mountains of money for Vince as I type this? Shouldn’t he be hopping around the locker room, making sure to shake the hand of every wrestler back there so the Undertaker doesn’t throw a hissy fit? Just asking.

Slam Wrestling reported a rumor that the WWE may be considering another go at the WCW vs. WWE feud which so horribly bombed the first time. I’m cool with it, but only if you bring back Tank Abbott. The man WAS WCW for some of us.

Good looking TNA tonight, as D-Lo Brown fights Jarrett for the title, Kid Kash
(and this is the Kicker) defends against Jerry Lynn, and there’s a stupid looking six man shmozz. Look for some kind of stupid swerve or something.

Talk about continuity! Shawn Michaels and Booker T were trying to save each other on Raw the other night. You know what would have been awesome and given the storyline some depth? If Booker T had walked away from the ring after Shawn saved him and let Shawn get beaten down. They could have come to an understanding next week after being forced as partners, but Shawn kicked Booker T out of the NWO because Booker T is black. I mean, that was the unsaid issue, right? Just checking. Anyway, look for the clique to collide with Jericho and Flair and Booker T watching for fun at the next PPV.

The WWE is giving the talent some time off this week in order to let them relax after Wrestlemania. Oh yeah, I bet Jeff Hardy and Christian need a vacation after that grueling affair for them.

The Wrestlemania buy rate appears to be very low. This is probably due to the lack of monkey sex and Rodney Mack. Am I stealing someone’s bit with the Rodney Mack jokes? It looks familiar.

Tito Ortez is further away from signing with the WWE then some had anticipated.

ENJOY THESE PLUGS.

The Mark In Me by PK is up, and PK just finished rocking Wrestlemania! Okay, PK didn’t exactly rock it the way the Miller Light Catfight girls did, but I told PK last week that I wanted to hear about some daring shit if he was going to write a column about his trip to Wrestlemania. I didn’t want the same old lame ass live match report everybody sends in. After reading his article and expecting a letdown, I have one thing to say to our resident toy boy. PK . You have balls, my man. Great column.

The Little Things are what John B. Haley care about. I think it would be funnier if his name was John B. Hairy. Cause then, you see, he’d be saying his name is John, and he’s hairy. It’s funny.

I don’t think Ken Anderson has written anything since the Wrestlemania column, but I wanted to quickly to give props. He’s one of the best writers on the Internet, and he made me an awesome, awesome tape. Looking forward to your next one, Ken.

Ron Gamble ALIVE?! Yep. Ron is still alive and kicking, despite the wishes of his doctors. Not only is Ron still alive, he’s writing columns. I’m glad he’s still here because I have something to say to Ron! Ron, get out here! Sorry, I forgot I’m typing, and Ron doesn’t have theme music and doesn’t live anywhere near me. Well, let’s just pretend Ron came out. Ron, I found out that before Wrestlemania, you were in the hospital having trouble with your heart, as well as with your many, many VD’s. After talking to the doctors, they have informed me that they refuse to clear you to wrestle! That’s right, Ron! You’ve wrestled your final match! Still, I’m not without a heart, so here is a special video tribute to you that I’m about to pop into my VCR. Yep, there it is. Very touching stuff. Okay.

Josh’s Corner of the Sky Cause He’s Pippin to a T or Something Similar to That.

Go to my site. Read some funny stuff. Maybe help me out. I’m starting to find myself entrenched in the business on a small scale. I want to succeed. I want to be incredible. Sometimes I wonder if I am. I’m working with unreliable people with far more confidence then me, and what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I just got off the phone with this cool kid from high school who never shows up on time for meetings who has all of these connections and is working with me on an idea for a reality television show that I recognize as depraved and without any compassion for the human race. I have a friend of a friend who wants me to write an independent movie for him based on some girl with Turrets syndrome who bugs him. I try to work on these two projects, but I just become so bogged down in doubt and self loathing that I can’t bring myself to finish. I will finish the television show, and I might even make a nice amount of money off of it. It won’t make me happy.

Then I have these plays. God, these plays make me so f*cking happy. These plays make me want to be a writer. I’m investing every penny I have in to producing them, but it’s not enough. I need help. So there you have it. I need help, and all I can offer you in return are some wrestling tales and a mostly finished screenplay. I honestly don’t know what else to offer you. If you can think of something, let me know. Thank you.