Junk News Huzzah! 04.10.03

Great individuals are not only popular themselves, but they give popularity to whatever they touch.

-Fournier

4 more days until the touching begins anew.

Welcome to the column where I wind up plugging everyone and myself, plus a comp tape brief review and the return of the randomizer. Between the shilling and the random crap, I’m not sure if we have time or space for wrestling news, but let’s try to fit a little in there. Then we’ll honor the ring, then 20 some odd pages of plugs. Movie and television news is on hiatus while I have all this wrestling stuff to do. I’m sure you don’t mind. Watch the new Buffy this week for horrible, horrible things.

A quick side note, as my cat has for some reason refused to let me sleep for the past 3 nights. If anyone knows the easiest way to kill a cat, let me know.

Also, thanks to the fifty some odd people who knew that Eugene Ionesco wrote Rhinoceros. The only column I got more response to was the one where I called for everybody to find Stone Cold and beat him up.

Oh, and good thing the war is almost over. North Korea was beginning to feel ignored.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

I have other stuff to focus on at the moment, so randomizer time.

TITO SANTANA and KING MABEL were GIVEN A SERIOUS TALKING TO in the UFC for STEALING BRIAN LAWLER’S STASH.

RIC FLAIR and TENACIOUS Z were REWARDED BY A MYSTICAL GOAT in the OLD TIMEY BOXING LEAGUE for PAINTING KAMALA’S BELLY WITH GREEN CLOVERS AND PURPLE HORSESHOES.

KID KASH and RODNEY MACK were ENGAGED in the WWE for FEUDING OVER A CUP OF COFFEE.

ONE OF THE GUYS FROM TOUGH ENOUGH WHO DIDN’T MAKE IT and RODNEY MACK were THE SUBJECT OF A FOLK SONG in the ERROR ERROR for ERROR. TERMINATING PROGRAM. NEVER TOLD RHODA I LOVed herrrrrrrr

I’m back! I think the randomizer has died. Oh well. I’m sure we’re all broken up over this.

So, Jericho and Goldberg got into a fight at Raw the other night. It started when Jericho said, “Bill, we have to resolve some issues from when we were on Nitro together.” Then Goldeberg said, “YAGH! I GOLDBERG! I SMASH!” Then they started fighting. It’s impossible to say who was at fault here.

Raw’s Rating fell .2 this week from a 3.7 to a 3.5. This is not only the most awful thing for the WWE, but it is even more awful for us wrestling journalists. This horrible travesty will haunt us for the coming months, years, and decades. We must do something about this, and I think there’s only one person who can lead us to resolution. That person is you, Eric S. Help us cope. Help us survive.

The WWE actually expected Goldberg to boost the ratings a bit. When he found out the ratings dropped Goldberg said, “I’m not a majewcian.” Hahaha! That was a tribute to the Montgomery Moose jokes of my youth. God rest your soul in Heaven, Montgomery.

There is a new evil French team and Chris Harvard played the heel by making liberal anti-war statements. In the past year the WWE has had an evil homosexual tag team, an evil pro-black faction, a racist angle for a match at Wrestlemania which was lost by the object of the racism, white trash necrophilia and naked weddings, and now the demonizing of the French and liberals. How do we continue to defend this to our friends? How do we continue to watch? That wasn’t really a joke. More like a cry.

In Goldberg’s contract it stipulates that he is allowed to wrestle in Japan. The WWE happily agreed to this when they wouldn’t honor the same request made by other superstars. Vince explained, “Well, we’d have to pay for most of their airfare, but Goldberg said he’ll just walk to Japan.”

Mabel is expected to be with NWA:TNA for only 1-2 more weeks. Then Mabel will sign with the Raw brand, Kevin Nash will be given the championship and by August we’ll be ready for the greatest Summerslam main event rematch ever!

Everyone is really shocked that AJ Styles said faggot on television, especially AJ Styles’ lover, Steve Corino.

Jimmy Hart doesn’t work for the WWE and is on Hulk Hogan’s personal pay roll. Say what you will about Hogan, but he sure has a hard on for Jimmy.

Now, the ruination of Smackdown.

Brock fights Mattitude in what has to be considered the greatest opening match in the history of April 2003 Smackdowns.

Torrie and Spanky fight Nidia and Noble as Sable does commentary. You know, I have high hopes for this lesbian angle. High, hard hopes.

Benoit and Rhyno bicker with Lesnar about the belt. Brock gets bored, throws the belt in-between them, says, “Whatever. My head hurts. You two have a party with this thing,” and walks away. Benoit and Rhyno then have a party with the WWE title belt.

Vince introduces Piper, and the two argue before shaking hands. Then Rikishi comes out and is all, “You coconutted Snuka!” So Piper is all, “What’re you going to do about it?” So then they do the stupidest, STUPIDEST heel turn in the history of the show and the segment is over. They built a cool face. They had a strong, cool face. They ruined it. Unbelievable.

Team Angle fights Team TajiRey with surprising and heart warming results.

Josh Matthews interviews The Underneathher (Get it? Underneath her? That’s where I was!) with nothing of note being said.

Nathan Jones fights Bill Demott, and then the FBI gets Jones sequestered for stealing stuff. Hey I had Nathan Jones in my house Saturday when that 20 bucks went missing oh no. Jones stole it! I shouldn’t have shot my brother! I can be so stupid sometimes.

More lesbian stuff with TorRena. Man, this name combo thing saved about ten seconds. Anyway, they 69 and squirt on each other.

Undertaker fights Cena, and Scott Keith was right on the money. That’s eerie unless Scott gave the WWE the idea for the finish in his rant last week. If so, Scott Keith has destroyed the push of John Cena. Thank you, Scott. Thank you oh so much.

That’s Smackdown. If you miss the show, there’ll be another one on next week.

Steve Austin and Jim Ross will return together to try to take the power away from Eric Bischoff. As much as it doesn’t make sense for Bischoff to be the bad guy for refusing to let a man with a broken neck wrestle, I’m sure this will all somehow work in the favor of HHH.

Correct me if I’m wrong on this but I think I just noticed something. Since they’ve been back, neither the Rock nor Stone Cold have appeared in a segment with HHH. Could there be backstage reasons as to why Stone Cold and the Rock have excluded HHH from their party of sorts? Nah. I blame the writers.

Some think Nash didn’t return as Diesel because it leaked out on the net, while Nash says he didn’t return as Diesel because his hair turned grey a week after dying it black. I say Nash didn’t return as Diesel because he couldn’t compete with the power of the Mack Truck. The Big Mack. The Mackarooni and cheese.

Goldberg and Rock filmed a segment for next week’s Raw at last Monday’s Raw. Now, why would Goldberg pass over a live Raw next week? Read that last question more carefully for the answer. Think about it. Okay, most of you already get it, that’s good. We’re waiting on forty people. Come on, slow starters. Read it over again. Look carefully at the middle section. Okay, good. We’re down to two. Look between the words “Goldberg” and “a”. Okay, very good Mongoloid Jimmy. Now Widro, combine those two words. No, not Pas Sover. That means nothing. Just pronounce the words as you read them. Come on! You’re Jewish! You suck Widro, you retarded boy band member.

In order to stay on the creative team at the moment, you have to go with the flow and not cause any waves lest you piss off Stephanie. You hear that, potential writers? No good or new ideas to help the company or you’re gone! More lesbian angles! More stealing crap feuds! More wins for Hunter and more losses for RVD! YAY! YAY! YAYAYAYAY! My God I need sleep. So much more to do. Let’s move on.

RING OF HONOR QUICK COMP TAPE REVIEW.

We’ve all heard a lot about Ring of Honor but I’ve never seen it before. Then I got a compilation tape from my new good religious friend who loves anarchy. He sent it over night mail for close to 20 bucks for some reason I still don’t fully comprehend, but he’s one of those fans who really appreciates the work we do. I asked him what I could give him in return, and he simply asked for a review of the tape. I’m not big with describing moves, so I’ll just tell you what I thought of the first 7 matches this week. When I have more time next week, I’ll do a complete review.

Now, I understand that the owner of the fed flips out over comp tapes, so let me tell him what seeing this tape did for me. Because of this tape, you have gained a fan. I will most probably attend one of your shows, and I will look out for big news about ROH for my column. You may have lost a few bucks, but telling people to go to www.rohwrestling.com for info on your product should make up for that somewhat.

Now then

02/23/02

The Amazing Red vs. Jay Briscoe- Nice little fast paced affair. I’m writing these after watching the matches yesterday, and nothing from this one really sticks with me except the fact that I enjoyed it as much as a good cruiserweight match.

Eddy Guerrero vs. Super Crazy- Again, a good match with a good ending. It’s hard to buy Super Crazy going over Eddie when Crazy is so fat, though.

Low Ki vs. Christopher Daniels vs. American Dragon- After I saw this match, I went online to read reviews as to what other people thought of it. For the most part, they call it a very good spot fest. I saw more innovative moves and cool spots and close finishes then I think I’ve ever seen in any match. Frankly put, this was probably the most enjoyable match I’ve ever seen, replacing the 10 man from Raw immediately. Angle vs. Benoit at the Royal Rumble is still the best match I’ve ever seen, but this one was the most enjoyable.

06/22/02

Spanky vs. Paul London- I don’t remember much about this one.

Doug Williams vs. Jay Brisco- Again, no real memory except being really impressed with Doug Williams.

A.J. Styles vs. Jerry Lynn- These two always put on a good show. Not as good as usual.

Low Ki vs. The Amazing Red- You want to see how to start a match? What these two did in that ring in the first minute was so amazing. I saw Low Ki live at Raw at MSG kicking the crap out of Saturn. Then I saw him a few times in a limited role on TNA when I finally ordered it once in a while. I’ve seen him now in two full matches and I am stumped as to why the WWE has not yet hired this guy and made him a star. I’m going to stop the review here, but the future of major professional wrestling should be Low Ki and Doug Williams, who is the perfect example of the complete package. If the WWE had given Doug the Nathan Jones gimmick, the WWE would have a star right now instead of a lackey for the Undertaker. I’ll finish and flesh out the review next week. Don’t worry, man. I won’t forget about this. Now I have to plug things.

LOTS OF PLUGS. LOTS AND LOTS OF PLUGS. LOTS OF PLUGS.

Daniels is writing a music column and the man is certainly pissed off about something. Sometimes I wish I could hug him to calm him down, to let him know I’ll be there when his girlfriend isn’t, but then I change my mind.

PK is Lord Master of Little Plastic Men! Sure, you’ll only see the best figures sit on all the web if you click on that link, but those aren’t the toys that I was referring to. (Hint: They vibrate. That’s right, he likes the Playstation 2 controllers.)

Willie the Worker has pals and you can meet them all thanks to my favorite undiscovered columnist on the Internet, BFP. I keep pressing Widro to add this guy to the Mania, but Widro just shakes his cock at me. Then the rooster attacks. Get it? Cock, rooster? Eh. Anyway, this is the funniest f*cking thing to come out on the Internet since BFP’s last one. The guy is just an excellent comedy writer.

My man Pankonin did what might very well be his last Monday news update. I’m not sure about this, but it looks to be possible. In his time in the Monday slot Chris has been fair, honest, and very nice to me. If you’re gone come Monday and you ever need a place to vent once in a while, there’s a corner of my sky with your name on it, Chris.

GAMBLE LIVES!!!!!!!!

Joe Rivett takes his time telling us how Raw is recycled.

Scott Keith also got a comp tape. It’s different then mine, and he does better tape reviews, but he doesn’t have a goddamned cat waking him up all night long. Oh, and don’t forget to FA BA FOOK!

One of them is going to think I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not. We sometimes forget about all the work Widro and Ashish put into this site. On behalf of the writers, thanks. Keep up the good job.

It’s that time again, probably for the last time. It’s my my bare bones page where you can make a donation to help me produce my plays in NYC. The donation works via pay pal, but you could also send donations to me through the mail if you’d wish. Include a name, e-mail address and address. My address is:

Joshua Grutman
12 Talbot Dr.
Great Neck, NY 11020

Anyway, at my page, you can find the plays as well as a Simpsons Script I wrote. I included that one just for your enjoyment. It should have no basis on your decision whether or not to donate. Big thanks to those of you who have already donated, and you’ll get what’s coming to you. You’ve done me a favor, now I owe you one. To know what you officially get for a donation of ten to twenty bucks, read last week’s column. I’d like to focus on what you get for the five dollar donation.

For a donation of five dollars or higher, you get 6 Wrestling Tales. 1 is brand new and 5 have a special introduction done by members of 411.

1. The Destruction of Aphrodite- Brand new tale.
2. Tazz and Triple H vs. The Rock and Chris Jericho. Introduction by PK.
3. A Wrestling Tale #1. Introduction by Tom Daniels.
4. Useful. Introduction by Ken Anderson.
5. Live The Gimmick! Introduction by Scott Keith.
6. To Debra, To Steve, And To The Fans. Introduction by Chris Hyatte.

Chris Hyatte comments on my column about wife-beating and how we shouldn’t stand for it anymore. Just imagine what he had to say.

That’s it for me this week. I’m going to end this by giving you Ken Anderson’s commentary on Useful, which was actually more of a sales pitch then an intro. Ken Anderson, at least to me recently, has been everything that is good and positive about the Internet. He is an excellent, educated writer who does not possess a shred of the ego that goes along with being an Internet personality. He can write a recap with the best of them, a humor column with the best of them, or, as we saw most recently, a heart felt plea with the best of them. I’m honored he wrote what you’re about to read about me, and I consider him a friend.

Ladies and gents, the cooler twin, Ken Anderson!
“They say it makes a decent writer to make you laugh, a good writer to make you cry, and a great writer to make you think.” – Somebody Important.
When Josh burst onto the scene two years ago, his short stories were some of the most revolutionary work to hit the net in a long, long time. At a time when originality was at an all-time low, and everyone (myself included) was emulating Hyatte or Keith to a certain extent, Josh came along, took a chance, and completely shattered the mold as to what was and wasn’t acceptable on a “wrestling” site.
Josh’s “Wrestling Tales” have been the most consistently entertaining columns to appear on 411Wrestling since the heyday of the Midnight News. They’ve ranged from insightful to humorous, uplifting to tragic, and everything in between.
Without a doubt, my favorite piece Josh has ever written is “Useful.” I won’t give anything away, but if you haven’t read it, now’s your chance. I honestly don’t have much to say about “Useful” other than the fact that it is one of the most powerful works I’ve ever read. It’s almost a period piece. For those of you who were luckily enough to read it while still experiencing the post 9/11 shell shock in the days and weeks following the attack, you know what I’m talking about. Josh somehow managed to take all of our thoughts, fears, emotions, and hope in the days following the collapse of the World Trade Center, and combine them into a short story that I consider to be nothing short of a masterpiece. You can quote me on that.
In addition to his talent, he’s the two-time defending “Columnist of the Year” at the new Mania, and aside from the “Tape Reviewing Shark” that Widro brought in a while back, he’s probably the most universally praised guy working for 411. You can spend the entire day scouring the net, and I doubt you’d find one negative word about the guy.
Now, Josh needs our help.
Josh has written several one-act plays and monologues that he hopes to produce off Broadway in the very near future. I’ve read them. They’re nothing short of amazing. With proper funding, there’s no doubt in my mind that Josh’s work will successfully find it’s way to a New York theatre.
If I didn’t believe a hundred percent in my heart that Josh is truly on the verge of something big, I wouldn’t be writing this. Josh has an incredibly unique, equally enthralling style that is really unlike anything I’ve ever seen. He somehow manages to pick out the good aspects of realism, modernism, and minimalism and combine them all into one unique mix. It’s like someone got Tennessee Williams, Jane Anne Phillips, and Charlotte Gillman nice and loaded, and Josh was the product of their drunkey orgy. On a side note, that mental image will probably keep me from sleeping tonight.
Josh needs funding. ANYTHING would help. Whether it be $2, $5, $20, $100, or anything in between, it WILL help him get this project off the ground.
I’ll say it again, Josh is on the verge of something big. I’ve read his screenplay, I’ve read his short stories, and I’ve read his plays that he hopes to produce off Broadway. If these plays are produced, Josh WILL make it. I wouldn’t be typing this if I didn’t feel so strongly that these plays NEED to be produced.
Josh is one hell of a guy. He needs a little help to make his dream a reality. It’s completely up to you to decide whether or not to help his cause. If you don’t, he’ll understand. He’ll still like you. I’ll still like you. Keith will still like you. Hyatte will find your deepest secrets, you know the shoebox you keep under your bed, and inform your wife and/or grandparents of its contents.
If you do choose to help though, you can sleep well at night knowing that you’ve helped, in some small part, to help a great guy at a pivotal point in his life live out his dreams. This is the point in Josh’s life where he can go one of two ways. He can go the corporate way, work fifty hours a week behind a desk, and in all likelihood be too damn tired and jaded to ever seriously write again, or he can get this project off the ground, and move forward from there. His talent is too good to go to waste. Josh is too good of a person to have the door shut on his dream.
I won’t get into site stats or production costs, but I’ll conclude by saying this: If every person who reads Josh’s column each Thursday donated ONE dollar towards the production of this play, Josh could make this dream a reality… ten times over.
Click here to go to donation site. Have a great weekend and an even better Monday.