Junk News Huzzah! 04.24.03

Hey everyone. I have a couple of notes before I begin the Wrestling portion of this week’s report. Please bear with me.

First of all, I’d like to apologize for having Flea fill in for me last week. It won’t happen again. If I need to miss a week, I’ll make sure that someone who isn’t a bitter old drunken pothead sore loser fills in for me.

I need to thank my fans in the 411mania.com forum for giving me the 411mania.com Forum’s Wrestling Writer’s Tournament championship. Although I created and won this tournament, I promise that I was trying to fix it so that Daniels would win, not me. Thanks for voting to Coren, David, lynXster, kudosxi, MisterSocko (my main man!), Duthty Rhodeth, Virus, Blade, Ayatollah of Coca Cola, Ryder Fakin (who voted for himself twice in a failed effort to win the tournament and he should be ashamed of himself), Bogey316, Scuzzball, Manipulator, ozkeroner, and the evil Cerebral Assassin who tried to ruin everyone’s fun. While everyone else on this list has made a powerful ally, Cerebral has made the worst enemy he’ll ever have in his life. For instance, I’m going to create a “Cerebral Assassin Sucks” thread after this is posted. It might be tonight. It might be tomorrow. It might be a week from now. But it is coming, so you’d better watch out Assassin! Your e-life is about to become e-hell for about one or two e-days!

Finally, I read recently in Eric S’ column that I’m going to be going on a gonzo car ride to write the ultimate wrestling book with Eric S, Hyatte, Stephen Richards, Chris Nowinski, Albert and Maven and they’ll have butt plugs and we’ll be doing hard drugs. You know, you always know something like this is going to happen to you, you just don’t expect to find about it in Eric S’ column.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Jeff Hardy was fired on Tuesday from the WWE. I usually make jokes, as many of you may know by now, but today I’d like to pay tribute to Jeff by listing all of the characters he has played.

1. Jobber.
2. New Brood Member.
3. Insane extreme teeny bopper.
4. Mad poet.
5. Underdog.
6. Heel? Kind of heel? Not sure.
7. Body paint wearing heterosexual.

Jeff, I will always remember you as that guy that HHH should have put over for more then one week. If you had won the rematch, I’m not so sure that whatever died in you would have died. Most viewers will remember you as the insane risk taker in the TLC matches. My friends who just started watching will remember you as that guy who got body paint all over Trish by kissing her. And Scott Keith will remember you as masturbation fodder.

In protest of his brother being released, Matt Hardy kept his f*cking head down and his f*cking mouth shut.

NWA:TNA is very interested in signing Jeff Hardy to become one of the new TNA caged dancing girls.

Goldberg was on Kimmel Tuesday night and came off as funny and nice. When asked about his appearance, Goldberg thought the interviewer was questioning his toughness so Goldberg speared and jackhammered him. Then Goldberg posed for the non-existent crowd.

Raw did a 3.8 last Monday, up .4 from last week’s Mackless 3.4. This week, Mack makes an appearance, 3.8. Mack=Ratings!

Also, everyone is complaining about the finish of Raw’s title match, but they’re not seeing the big picture. When Jericho and Flair jumped Shawn Michaels, did you hear a bell ring? Me neither. That means that the match is still going on! Triple H is the new Crash Holly!

The WWE is now polling fans at house shows in an effort to improve the product. I was up all night reading e-mails from people who got the surveys, and I have compiled a few of the questions asked.

1. How much do you love HHH? A little or a lot?
2. Would you rather see Rikishi having sex with a dead cat or more McMahons on tv?
3. Cruiserweights are for homos, right? You’re not a homo, are you?
4. Should black people who want to sleep with your white women deserve to be WWE Champion?
5. Is Nathan Jones the next Bret Hart or the next Shawn Michaels?
6. Have we ever insulted your intelligence? If yes, what the hell do you want? Fraiser? “Niles, my scale model of the La Cest Cerve is not meant to go in your 50 year old bottle of Floopidoop.” “So sorry, Fraiser, but I can not help it if you’re going to be such a yippitimoma snippywah.” Cue laugh track. Is that what you want?

Look for the WWE to implement new policy based on the results of the survey.

The WWE is giving out bonuses to wrestlers who did not appear on Wrestlemania. Especially excited about the bonus is Jeff Hardy, who oh. Yeah.

Last night’s NWA:TNA show was probably pretty good, but I didn’t watch it.

Look for the WWE to start cutting the budget soon. Look for HHH to be the first victim of the scale down, as he will be fired from the WWE. While Stephanie hates to do this, she has seen the RAW ratings and knows that now is the time to back the Mack.

Apparently no one came to see the Smackdown tapings in Nashville. Look for an empty building in the background and listen for the piped in chants.

I can tell you what’s going to happen on Smackdown this week. I know what you’re thinking. “Josh, how can you know what happens on Smackdown? It doesn’t air until Thursday! You’re either a liar or a man with mystical powers! ” Let’s just say that I have my sources “inside”.

Cena fights Rhyno in the opening match after a promo. Keep the younger viewers away from the television set as this match may contain gore.

Benoit fights Nunzio and afterwards takes a beating from the FBI. Stamboli, Nunzio, Palumbo vs. Undertaker, Nathan Jones and Chris Benoit. Could somebody pinch me, cause I must be dreaming.

Mysterio fights new MFer Crash Holly. Crash Holly a Mattitude follower? Sometimes I wish they could take a wrestling angle and turn it into a cream, because this would be giggle cream!

Rikishi fights Rowdy Roddy Piper in the match that the smarts and marks and smarks all never thought would happen. It wasn’t that the odds were against it, we just never thought about it.

Sable holds a bikini contest between Dawn, Nidia and Torrie Wilson. This is going to be the most traumatic bikini contest ever for Torrie Wilson. She goes up against her former Mother-In-Law who forced lesbian sex on her and then killed her dad with sex, a woman who brutally attacked her at a pay per view that had nothing to do with wrestling, and it is being run by a woman who has been making lesbian overtures to Torrie since the day she came back to the company. Wow. I was going to make a joke about what a tense bikini contest this is going to be, but I just realized that Torrie has the best built up feuds in the company at the moment. That’s just weird.

Shelton fights Chavo in a preview of the tag match the two teams are going to have about a thousand times between now and the end of the year.

Tajiri fights Big Show and I’m pretty sure Tajiri actually gets a kick in every now and then.

Stephanie comes out and announces that Mr. America will debut next week. Everyone has had their thoughts on who Mr. America is, but I’m pretty sure it’s Kamala. I wouldn’t wager money on it, but it might be.

In the main event, Brock Lesnar fights A-Train. Sometimes a match just sells itself.

TV, MUSIC AND MOVIE JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

After a concert for 75 people in Times Square, Madonna said that if she had another child, she’d name the child Moses. She said she’s sick of child birth and just wants the baby to part her vagina and pop out.

Leslie Nielson, who hasn’t made a popular funny movie in a long time, has joined the cast of Scary Movie 3. Leslie is said to be very happy to be away from his home phone as OJ keeps calling him.

Sigourney Weaver wants to make another Alien film. Ridley Scott said he’d only do it if the movie co-starred Alf. After checking her bank account, look for Alf and Sigourney Weaver to take on the Aliens!

Maybe I haven’t been watching as much television as I used to, but I haven’t seen too many classic episodes of any series in a while. The Shield was excellent, 24 is great, Buffy and Angel and South Park are kicking ass like always, but I can’t single out one episode of television this season that could be called a classic. That all changed Tuesday at 10:00. In only it’s third episode, FX’s Lucky produced the funniest episode of television I’ve seen in a long, long time. If you haven’t seen it, find a way to see Up The Steaks. It’s just brilliant.

50 Cent is going on tour with Jay-Z. While there is no word on who will headline the tour, I can tell you that Joshua Grutman and the Blueberry Cheeseburgers will not be the opening act. Not yet.

Kelly Clarkson debuted at #1 on the Billboard Charts. From the bottom of my heart, I’d like to thank America’s teens and preteens for doing this to our country. War and terrorism wasn’t enough, we now need the winners of American Idol to get #1 records. Thank you, American young people. You are truly the greatest generation.

There’s this movie coming out with Hillary Duff that looks just like that movie with Amanda Bynes. Again, I’d like to thank America’s teens and preteens for making stars out of these pieces of jail bait. Your opinions and music and movie stars impress me more and more the more I learn about you.

DMC called Kid Rock a musical genius, calling him “the greatest musician/producer/writer” DMC has ever known. In other news, DMC is going senile in his old age. That’s not fair, as I like Kid Rock, but sometimes we need to be careful with our levels of praise. For instance, if you happen to be a member of the most influential rap group of all time, calling Kid Rock the greatest anything ever is not becoming of you.

Kelly Clarkson has landed the lead role in Starship Troopers 2, and Jennifer Lopez might star in the next Austin Powers movie. Oh my God! I’m sorry, I’m just so happy! And you know who I owe all of my happiness to? That’s right, you teens and preteens! You guys should all be given a medal. I’ll get on that.

Shockingly enough, the DVD for Two Towers is going to be bought by over a million nerds. This comes as a surprise to everyone in the entertainment industry who were sure that Kangaroo Jack was going to be this year’s top selling DVD for nerds.

Okay.

Read These Columns.

GAMBLE STILL LIVES! Apparently.

Make a donation to my dream! Help me put on my shows in NYC. Auditions are next week and the fundraising has gone well so far, but more help would be appreciated. If you click on writing, you can read my Simpsons spec script as well as my plays that I’ll be putting on. Really, even 1 dollar would help. Thanks.

Dino is marking his territory and defending Triple H. Dino is now officially the most unpopular person on the Internet.

Mike Campbell watches Japanese wrestling and reviews it on our website. There. Now you’re properly introduced.

Josh’s corner of the sky cause Pippen wishes he was Grutman.

We have to stop turning our back on wrestlers who pleased us once and bore us now. These are people who gave us everything and are now struggling to find what they lost. Some have stopped struggling. Some have given up and are just there for the pay check. Don’t we owe them some kind of thanks for the past? I’m not saying that we should support Triple H all of the time or take it easy on Jeff Hardy when he has a bad match. But are we such evil shits that we’re going to dance when a man we once had an incredible amount of respect for is fired? I know how ironic it is that I’m the one typing that (Lance Storm and all), but I just don’t think it’s very fair that Jeff Hardy gave up his physical well being for the rest of his life and we now spit on him. The once next Shawn Michaels deserves better. The twice high flyer of the year not more then 3 years ago should get a bit more then gay jokes as he exits.

So, on behalf of the Internet fans who remember the past, thanks Jeff. We’re sorry you were fired. Good luck.

Enjoy Ashish, or as I now call him, Captain Chuckles the Clown.