Reviewer: Jesse Baker
Story Title: Rules of Engagement – Part Two
Written by: Chuck Austen
Pencilled by: Ron Garney
Inked by: Mark Morales
Colored by: JD Smith
Lettered by: Chris Eliopoulos
Editor: Mike Marts
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Previously on Uncanny X-Men:
Xavier: A lot has changed since you disappeared five years ago. Cyclops betrayed his wife with another woman; Beast pulled a practical joke on the media involving him telling everyone he’s gay; and Magneto is dead …
Havok: So everything is the same?
Annie: Hello stud!
Havok: Get away from me you freak! You molested me every night at the hospital when I was comatose these last couple of months …
Polaris: Havok, you’re awake! Let’s get married right away!
Havok: Uh …
Beast: Congratulations!
Iceman: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the backyard, cursing God.
Annie: But you can’t marry her! I spent the last couple of months emptying your bedpan while you were comatose and this is how you repay me? Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
Husk: Please ignore that slut Annie. You know Chuck Austen wants you and Havok to be together. By the way, I lost my virginity to Warren even though I’m still legally considered jailbait. Also, did I tell you all about my new theory about how AIDS is a human disease and how mutants do not get AIDS because our X-Gene protects us?
Northstar: …
Nightcrawler: Mein Gott!
Annie: That’s a horrible and ignorant thing to say …
Polaris: This coming from the woman who fell in love with a guy in a coma?
Xavier: By the way Nightcrawler, I want to know if it’s ok for me to let Juggernaut join your team.
Nightcrawler: Funny you should talk to me; I’ve decided to leave the priesthood and taking a leave of absence from the team in order to go hang out with Havok and Polaris. Because, when Havok dumps Polaris for his stalker I’ll be in a plum position to get some rebound sex with Polaris.
Northstar: …
Husk: Did I offend someone with something I said?
Northstar: I wasn’t reacting to your ignorant comments, you coal-camp hussy! I was reacting to them!
Alpha Flight: Hey Jean-Paul. We’re here to remove all of the children from this school immediately Xavier. They aren’t safe here with the man who tore down the World Trade Center back in 1992.
Stacy X: Juggernaut destroyed the WTC?
Xavier: Ix-Nay on the Orld-Way Ade-Tray Enter-Cay.
Synopsis: Alpha Flight, on orders of the mom of Squid-Boy Sam and New York City Governor George Pataki (who we learn is in the pocket of the murderous anti-mutant hate group, the Church of Humanity), begin to escort the kids out of Xavier’s school. But when they try to take Nurse Annie’s son away from her, Juggernaut goes off and starts a fight between the X-Men and Alpha Flight. Meanwhile, Archangel gets a pornographic video tape from Stacy X informing Warren that she’s leaving now that she knows that Angel would rather have Husk than her while Chamber makes his return and makes it clear to Husk that he can cheat on her and not vice-versa.
The Good: The Subplots make this issue, as we see Stacy X leave the X-Men at long last and the return of Chamber, who gets chewed out at long last for dumping Husk for the tramp Sugar Kane back during Joe Casey’s initial “Poptopia†arc. Chamber acts out of character, as he suddenly has developed the stereotypical “I’m British and you Americans are so irrational and immature†attitude, but this is forgivable as Husk tells him to go screw himself for the way that he dumped her.
The Bad: The meeting and fight between Alpha Flight and the X-Men was a bit contrived to say the least, as Austen totally avoided coming up with logical and compelling issues for why the two teams would be meeting, such as the two sides trading notes on the whereabouts of Northstar’s missing sister Aurora.
The Ugly: Nightcrawler, Havok, and Polaris finding an ancient city with wall paintings of blue demon creatures who look like Kurt. Why are they revealing this when they have a ready-made plot device set up in the form of Kurt being revealed to be the head of the Church of Humanity’s son?
