Just when I thought that marriage had sucked all the life outta me, along comes the month of April. Of the month’s 30 days, I was livin’ wife-free for about 10 of ’em. This past weekend, I took the Bootleg to the Bay Area. I flew into Too $hort’s hometown on Friday to watch my A’s take it to the Injuns. I kicked it with my dawg, Vig, who also served as best man at my wedding last November. Remind me to tell y’all the tale of my Bachelor Party one of these days.
We did the encore of A’s vs. Cleveland on Saturday afternoon. It was “Miguel Tejada Bobblehead Day”, so the usual Oakland crowd of 11,000 swelled to over 35,000. There were “fans” around us bragging that they had been in line four hours before the gates opened in order to snag one. Speaking of losers, the Indians went down again, but took their own sweet time doing so (kinda like my wife).
The fun began when the sun went down. Vig drove us into the city (San Francisco), where we ended up at Jillian’s. It was an odd hybrid of a high-end restaurant (some $20 entrees) and sports bar (pool tables and TVs). The evening kicked eleven kinds of ass, kids. The food was good, the Sacramento Kings lost to the Jazz and a bachelorette party full of some chicks that were truly hotter’n a skillet full of Crisco joined the fun at around 9:30 PM.
One chick was having Kahlua residue sucked off’a her delicate fingers. Another was flirting with a table a few feet away by pulling down/adjusting her top about fifty times. Still another female spent time talking to the booth behind her and flashin’ her t-back. All of ’em had those baby shot glasses hung from a string tied around their necks and one lucky cat was sampling their sweet, sweet bosom laced nectar. Sweet.
The word in the bar was that they were all married and The Bootleg absolutely is against such sleazy behavior outside the sanctity of marriage. Fortunately, Vig and I survived the drunken debauchery that surrounded us. I’m not sure if every lady survived Vig on the dance floor, though. That boy threw more elbows out there than Randy “Macho Man” Savage. Join me in praying for all their souls and enjoy this very monogamous, faithful and happy-to-be-married edition of The Bootleg…mmm, Kahlua.
Coming Soon to a Mix Tape Near You
All of these damn music feuds need to be squashed. Have we learned nothing from Dr. Dre and Tim Dog? Earlier this week, British busybody Paul McCartney told the BBC that Michael Jackson was “an unusual guy” and he “felt sorry” for MJ’s kids. Michael has fired back with his first ever diss track. Kidding. Jacko has actually used e-mail to respond to McCartney’s unsolicited Dr. Phil impression. Hey, e-mail’s not just for breaking up with your girlfriend anymore. Michael allegedly told Paul to mind his own business. That’ll learn him. McCartney was unavailable for comment at press time, but I can’t be the only one wondering what McCartney’s version of When We Ride On Our Enemies would sound like.
The One Man that Every Other 411Music Writer Hates…no, not Cocozza
Hey, who’s this 50 Cent cat that everyone’s talkin’ about? I’d say he’s had a decent week. 50 has just sold the rights to his life story to MTV Books (considering their movie arm, MTV Films brought us Joe’s Apartment, my hopes ain’t high). They’re still looking for a ghostwriter that can spell “murked”, so stay tuned. In other 50 news, he’s the musical guest tomorrow night on Saturday Night Live. Since the annoying putz from That 70s Show is the host, just tape it and fast forward to the two 50 songs. Finally, if you bought the new 50 DVD The New Breed (Scott Keith review pending, I’m sure) you can now use it (with help from your PC) to access the bootlegged (heh) joint with 50 and Tupac, a “director’s cut” of the Many Men video and more.
You Cannot Be Serious…Please Tell Me You’re Not Serious
It’s the Apocalypse, Armageddon and the final season of Oz all rolled into one. There are rumors floating around that Beck has plans to cover Nelly’s hit single Hot in Herre on a future album. Those rumors were strengthened with reports that Beck performed the Nelly joint at a show at London Union Chapel earlier this week. There are just some songs that should never be covered and this is one of them. No, not because it’s a great song, but because only Nelly’s country-fried twang made it work (or “twerk”, or however the hell y’all talk down there). And didn’t the last season of Oz suck from here to there and back again? Christ…between the Maxim/Death Row fashion show, the half-assed deaths (Glynn, Said, etc.) and the copious amounts of Anthrax used to end the series, I say “Riddance” and “Good”…arrange the words however you like.
From the Writers of Homeboys In Outer Space
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Sometimes the news just writes itself. Bubble-gum rapper Will Smith and his colossal ego (along with support from his out-of-work wife, Jada Pinkett) are producing a sitcom pilot based on their early years together. Wait, don’t leave…there’s more. The show would be called All of Us and is currently being pitched to the UPN network. If the network likes the pilot, it will be picked up for the fall TV season. OK…at what point did the UPN brass actually start screening shows before they hit the air? Hey, what do I know? They’ve already casted B-Level actors Duane (Above the Rim) Martin and Elise (John Q) Neal in the roles of Will and Jada and the talentless actress/dancer/rapper LisaRaye as Will’s ex-wife.
She’s Gots Some Tig ol’ Bitties
Country music diva Dolly Parton is having her stellar recording career celebrated by some of the biggest names in the music industry. Shania Twain, Norah Jones and Melissa Etheridge will highlight Just Because I’m A Woman, Celebrating the Songs of Dolly Parton. The compilation is scheduled for a fall release. The album will also feature the bald and flat-chested Sinead O’Connor, who’s claiming this will be her last contribution to music before she retires. Sinead, let me holla at’cha for a second, son. Your “career” ended on Saturday Night Live 10 years ago. You thought you were foolin’ us by growin’ your hair out and callin’ yourself Alanis Morrissette, but we all saw through that. Now, get back to the kitchen and fix me a bean pie.
Is It Political Rage or Loose Fitting Dentures?
Middle-aged rappers Public Enemy continue to piss off The Man. Their controversial joint Son of a Bush will be released as a single next Tuesday. If that’s not enough to get you to Sam Goody, then how’s ’bout this: the single will come with a DVD that contains a music video and group biography. The whole shebang is just $7.98. While the group still has an important message to say, they’re not exactly aging all that well. Chuck D still rocks the acid-washed ass-cutting Levi’s 501s, Raiders’ Starter Jacket and a ballcap with the straightest brim you’ll ever see. Flav has gotta be pushin’ 50 and them gold fronts and big ass clock/necklace have gots to go.
The British are a Dignified and Classy Group
From the country that brought us figurehead leaders, bad teeth and Danger Mouse comes their latest endeavor into hard-hitting musical documentaries. First, there was Michael Jackson. Now my future baby-mama, Jennifer Lopez is next. The same fish and chip eatin’ producers that painted Jacko as a molesting weirdo (wink) are shopping a dirt-dishing piece on J. Lo called Behind the Behind to American TV networks. The most shocking development is that “Jenny From the Block” doesn’t spend a whole lotta time in the Bronx anymore. In other news, the sky is blue and cows go “moo”. Hey, make sure y’all find time to see J. Lo’s new video. It’s a complete rip off of Flashdance, but Jennifer Beals wasn’t nearly this naughty. Ben can’t be hittin’ that ass right, so why won’t you return my calls, Jennifer?
More From the Rapper’s Retirement Home
Don’t look now, but Benito Santiago’s evil twin, Ice-T, is still alive. He plans to drop Pimpin’ 101 on June 17. It’ll be a compilation album featuring guests such as Busta Rhymes, Kool Keith and Cuban Link. Did anyone else catch the magazine article on Ice-T’s new wife? She’s twenty years younger, with a Goodyear chest and a former stripper. She says she loves Ice-T for his good looks and personality. Yes, for his “good looks and personality”. T looks like a beige version of the Crypt Keeper on Tales from the Crypt. That must be one helluva personality.
Your Host for the Evening: Eminem
The good people of the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation honored Christina Aguilera last Saturday. Aguilera received special recognition at something called the 14th Annual Media Awards. GLAAD showed Christina some love for her video Beautiful, which featured (gasp!) a cross-dressing man and (yikes!) a homosexual kiss. Yeah, real cutting edge and envelope pushing stuff there. Hey, have any of y’all ever seen Bound with Jennifer Tilly? Now that’s some homosexual kissing! What the hell happened to Miss Tilly, anyways? Somebody email The 411 Movies Guy and ask him.
David Lee Roth Joe Isuzu
Does anyone remember the story that Vanilla Ice once told about bein’ shot in the ass five times or somethin’? Along the same lines, we have washed-up rocker David Lee Roth. It seems he’s been tellin’ his fans that he single-handedly nabbed a knife-wielding intruder on his property with only his trusty shotgun to defend himself. Quoth Biggie Smalls, “It was all a dream.” The local po-pos tell a different story. It seems the intruder was laying flat on his stomach when the cops arrived and beat the sh#t out of him (remember, this is Southern California). Roth was seen yelling down from a second floor balcony like the dyspeptic old fossil he is.
The Last Thang I’ll Ever Write About 50…This Week
First, it was Mary J. Blige and Beyonce Knowles with their remixes of In Da Club. Now, Lil’ Mo and Free plan to give their own spin to 50’s latest single, 21 Questions. I’m gonna take a wild guess and assume that 99.9% of y’all are askin’ “Who the hell are they?” Lil’ Mo is an R&B singer who just dropped a new album last Tuesday. Free is co-host of BET’s 106 & Park with a brutha that looks like a ghetto version of Predator. Apparently the song will be called…21 Answers. Who says there’s no originality in hip hop? Will you love me like a fat kid loves cake?
General Haberdashery
I’ve completed a review of the latest soundtrack from Death Row Records. It should be posted shortly. After that, it’ll be the latest from Sean Paul and Ice Cube’s re-released first solo joint. Last week, we looked at the worst albums I’ve reviewed, now allow me to haberdash the best.
O’Shea was on top of his game with this one. A true classic in every sense of the word.
David Blake proves once again that he’s one of hip hop’s most underrated talents.
Eric Wright’s life and times are the basis for this comprehensive and exhaustive compilation.
Junk Mail
My readers are a gaggle of sick bastards. A number of y’all picked up on my reference to Diff’rent Strokes last week by sending me the following link. However, since Ian Wright was first to the inbox he gets full pimping privileges.
Next up, an anonymous AOL user (aren’t they all?) channels the format of the late Larry King in response to last week’s Bootleg. I’ll try to keep this easy to understand by jamming in my responses after each paragraph.
ODB doesn’t belong in the same league of has beens as Silk and Juvi… He just got out of jail and when he drops an album it will go certified platinum…
No, it won’t. ODB hasn’t been relevant in years and if it wasn’t for his bouts with drugs, jail and insanity, he would’ve been forgotten a long time ago.
X’s last album was mediocre and obviously geared to the mainstream, but some of the tracks where good… It isn’t garbage compared to the rest of the mainstream rap albums that came out in 02, but I can see how it is garbage compared to his first 2 albums…
Here’s where I agree: Man vs. Machine was mediocre and some of the tracks (Say My Name, Gambler and Release Date) were good. Here’s where I disagree: There were dozens of “mainstream” albums released last year that were better than Man vs. Machine. Here’s one …and another …and still another. And, what’s up with all y’all’s love for Xzibit’s first two albums? They both have decent/so-so lyrics, but the production is weak as hell.
Eminem has been around for almost 6 years now… He has shown more longevity than Kane, Chuck D, and Slick Rick who only dominated the scene from ’87 to ’91…
I can’t count the number of things wrong with those 30 words. Chuck D and PE are still making records and still performing live all over the world. Big Daddy Kane and Slick Rick may not drop an album every 12 months, but their work is consistently bitten by some of today’s lesser talents. There are many ways to “dominate” the hip hop scene that have nothing to do with record sales.
RUN DMC and the Beastie Boys brought Hip Hop to suburbia long before Hammer and Vanilla Ice… Maybe not the same level of record sales but still created an awareness of hip hop…
You’re absolutely right. I didn’t mean to slight their efforts, as I was tying Hammer’s love in the suburbs with his record-breaking album sales (the first rap album to sell 10 million units). The Beasties and Run-DMC were bumping in Becky’s tape deck long before U Can’t Touch This.
50 can show lyrical skills when he wants to… I think wasted his best material on the mix tapes… And came mediocre on most of Get Rich… “Power of the Dollar” is better and he showed more skill…. And I think he works better in a group of cats just spitting 20 bars tops…
I think I liked Get Rich a little more than you, but I think I agree with everything else you hadda say about 50. He leaned heavily on the production of Get Rich… and I’m curious to hear how he does with his (mainstream) sophomore effort. Will it be lyrically stronger or can Dr. Dre and Eminem come up with another batch of fire?
Oakland A’s Update: The two best teams in the AL square off this weekend in the Boogie Down. The A’s offense is still scuffling along, but our heroes have Lilly, Hudson and Zito throwing. Just don’t throw Soriano a strike, for the love of God. Should be a great series and I’ll be watching on digital cable…whether the wife likes it or (wait, here she comes)…not!
Good luck to all the men and women serving in the Middle East. Please hurry home.
