Welcome to another succulent edition of The Bootleg. Faithful readers, I’m on the horns of an enema and I need your assistance. Today is the six-month anniversary to the gal I lovingly call “my first wife”. Anyways, here are my choices: Do I acknowledge the existence of this quasi-anniversary or do I maintain the last few shreds of my manhood and blow it off?
Don’t get me wrong; I look back on my wedding day with fondness. The memories of Saturday, November 9, 2002 will last a lifetime. There was my best man giving the l-o-n-g-e-s-t drunk ass toast in recorded history. There was a co-worker dancing on a table to the sound of Gloria Gaynor (and receiving a dollar down her pants from the best man…yep, him again). Hell, there were 115 of our friends and family suckling from the inviting teat of an open bar all night long.
I think there was a wedding in there, too, somewhere. The point is I might be able to score a few points with wifey, if I come through with some flowers or something. A restaurant meal is pretty much out since the A’s battle the Yankees tonight at 7:00 and I ain’t liftin’ my narrow black ass off’a the couch. My fear is that girly-man actions like this will shrivel up my nuts faster than (insert HHH/steroid joke here). It’s not like it’s gonna get me sex, since it ain’t my birthday, so I’ve gots some serious thinkin’ to do. Your thoughts on this matter are welcome. Meanwhile, enjoy another load of goodness.
Do They Still Make KangaROOS?
America’s Sh!ttiest rapper is teaming with the ruler of the corporate shoe kingdom. Nelly and Nike are coming together to release the…Air Derrty. On his last album, Nelly and his mush mouthed band of Lunatics recorded what was basically a five-minute commercial for Nike’s Air Force One shoe line. I guess Nike is returning the favor. It is for a good cause, though. As proceeds from the sale will go to 4Sho4Kids, a non-profit organization that Nelly started to provide assistance to kids born with developmental disabilities.
On a related note, has anyone seen that god-awful Reebok commercial where DJ Clue ruins his new kicks with a droplet of jelly donut goo? Clue, let me holla at’cha, son. No one knows you outside of New York, despite your daily gig on MTV2 countin’ down videos with La La (I guess Peaches, Boo Boo and Kendra –there’s always a Kendra – were busy). And quit screamin’ on all your mix tapes. Your name is on the front of the goddamn case…we know it’s Clue and we know it’s Desert Storm.
Does This Lawsuit Make My Ass Look Big?
Hey, I’ve got an idea. Let’s steal sample the entire concept of the movie Flashdance for J-Lo’s new video, not tell the conglomerate that made it and see if anyone notices! In response to the video for I’m Glad, Paramount Pictures has reportedly sent Sony Music a letter accusing them of copyright infringement. The two sides are in talks to settle out of court. Y’know, one of the most popular discussions amongst me and my married friends is the “freebie”. As in “if you could have one freebie that wouldn’t count against your marriage”, who would it be? Jenny, I just need six minutes. Eight, if you want it good, baby.
Coming This Summer…The Rappers That Won’t Die
These guys have more lives than Selina Kyle. In a shameless promotional ploy for the recently released Biggie and Tupac DVD, the movie’s director Nick Broomfield is urging fans to “shame” the LAPD into further investigating the links between the unsolved murders of 2Pac and B.I.G. Broomfield is publicly directing fans to the LAPD website so that we can e-mail our displeasure with the handling of the investigation. If my inbox is any indication, the LAPD can look forward to dozens of letters in all caps from cats named NellyFubuAF1@aol.com that say “2PAC RULS U SUKK”.
Was He Crush or Adam Bomb?
It’s a damn shame what musicians will go through in order to maintain their precious “street cred”. Bryan Adams told the BBC that he was shot in the back with an air rifle while on his motorcycle. He reportedly felt a jolt, and then later found a hole in the back of his jacket. There’s not a doubt in my mind that this fabricated tale is a transparent effort to move more units of his compilation album Peace Songs in places like Compton, Long Beach, Queens and Bed Stuy. I know it’s worked for 50 Cent, but c’mon.
It’s Self-Destruction Mixed With A Little Same Gang
What happens when a handful of underground rappers and some B-level talent come together to record a political track? We’ll all find out together when Daz Dillinger, Everlast, WC, Soopafly, RBX and others release S.T.O.P. (Stop The Oppressive Politics). The joint will be available only at fredwreck.com due to its “strong political message”. Aiight, readers, help a brutha out with this one. If you ain’t ever voted, why should I care about your political views? If you’re proud to still be crippin’, why should I care about your political views? Y’all should just keep makin’ music that scares Kimmy’s parents and repulses the 411 writers and leave the politics to this guy.
Ric Flair, Terri Clark, Ice Cube, Dr. Dre and O.J.
Country music ho-cake Terri Clark is causing a stir with her new video. At the end of Three Mississippi, several fed-up women give their grief-causing men the one finger salute. The one station in the free world that actually airs country music videos (CMT) is treating the gesture like Ric Flair’s Big Gold Belt and video distorting the image. I just love what passes for “controversy” in country music. She’s flippin’ the bird? The horror! Give me the video to Natural Born Killaz any day. It was Death Row’s most expensive video and features a fictional, but graphic, look as to who really killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. The faces of the actors playing the victims also get the Big Gold Belt treatment, but we all know who it’s supposed to be. Terror illustrates my era/Now I can’t hang around my momma cuz I scare her!
Who Shot Ya?
Ah, the price of fame. Your dawg and mine, 50 Cent, is in the news again. Yeah, I’m shocked, too. This time the doctor who pulled all the hot lead outta 50’s ass wants the rapper to pay his medical bill. Dr. Paksima says he’s owed over $30,000 for a series of treatments he provided. Considering 50 probably keeps that much cash in the glove compartment of his Escalade, I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Personally, I don’t think doctors are the trustworthiest lot. This theory was on display for all to see during the episode of Oz where the dentist replaces Robson’s gums with those from a brutha. It was on TV, so it must be true…ain’t that right, Kentucky? Lousy commonwealth.
The Most Ridiculous Thang You’ll Read This Week…Non-Cocozza Division
Y’know…I can’t name any of their songs, I couldn’t identify them in a police lineup, but, I sure talk a lot about the Dixie Chicks, don’t I? Dateline: Colorado Springs. Two disc jockeys were suspended earlier this week for daring to play the Dixie Chicks after they had been banned from the station’s play list. Are Natalie Maines’ comments really newsworthy anymore? Hell, even their station manager admitted that the Dixie Chicks music was slated to return to the rotation shortly. Yet he still felt the need to keep these DJs off the air for a few days. Can we please move the hell on from this whole subject, people? Maines wasn’t sitting in a tank in Hanoi or anything. Speaking of which, where the hell has Jane Fonda been lately? They must show 9 to 5 every other day on the Starz Network. I haven’t seen her since she was a tomahawk-choppin’ fool during many, many of the Braves’ failed postseason runs. Many.
Calling All Club Hopping Yaks and Nancy Men
My cocoa-buttah fantasy, Beyonce Knowles, is lookin’ for the best male n’ female dancers for her wonderfully titled new video, Naughty Girl. An open audition was held for those of us between the ages of 18 and 30 at the Alley Kat Studios in Los Angeles on May 5. I was shocked to learn that I hadn’t made the first cut, even after dusting off the running man and the Roger Rabbit and the Kid n’ Play, where I play both the parts of Kid and Play. Ain’t Gonna Hurt Nobody, dawg. It’s these same damn entertainment politics that kept Jeff Jarrett out of the country music world back in 1993. Anyways, Beyonce is gonna be on Saturday Night Live on May 17 and will be pimpin’ her new album on Leno and Letterman in June.
Happy Early Mother’s Day
America’s most delectable skank is working hard to complete her next album. Britney Spears is gearing up for a fall release of her follow up to her 2001 CD. Britney’s mother, Lynne, posted the following corny-ass comments to her daughter’s official website. “Britney is really excited about her next album!” and “A new (hairstyle) seems to give you extra spunk and energy”. Lynne is one of the last three members of our species who actually uses the word “spunk”. As bad as Britney’s mom is, the clear-cut runaway winner for worst celebrity mothers are all the mothers of NBA players. Y’all have seen Allen Iverson’s mom, right? She’s only a decade and a half older than her kid and comes to the games in Sixers throwbacks, eight-inch nails and enough gaudy bling bling to choke all The Hot Boyz. Not everyone can live their lives both tacky and ghetto, but Allen’s mom has jus’ got it like that.
And Some of Y’all Thought My List Sucked
VH1, the longtime home for acts like Positive K, Lil’ Half-Dead and Oaktown 3 5 7 has crafted the definitive list of the 50 greatest hip hop artists of all time. They’ll count ’em down tonight at 7:00 PM. If you have better thangs to do tonight, and dammit you should, the entire list is available right c’here. Give it a click, cuz we gots some thangs we need to discuss. I’ll give y’all a few minutes to peruse.
Pretty funny stuff, huh? Christ, where to begin? Tone-Loc (#49) made the list. Tone Freakin’ Loc made the list! If you can name any cut he did besides Wild Thing and Funky Cold Medina you’re either his wife or his mother. Who didn’t love him on the short-lived TV show Roc, though? Speakin’ of two-hit wonders, how did Arrested Development (#47) get on here? They dropped an album in 1992 at the height of the African-American consciousness trend…then they disappeared. Hell, why not put Digable Planets in their place…and you know I wasn’t the only one with the Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat) single in my Sparkomatic car stereo in 1992.
Did you see Coolio in at #43? Don’t get me wrong…I admire the fact that whenever Fear Factor or Hollywood Squares needs to attract that young urban demographic, Coolio always seems to have an opening in his schedule. However, he went from hardcore cat in 1990 to a hip hop parody in no time flat.
Ja Rule (#39) and Master P (#36) made the list of the 50 Greatest Hip Hop Acts of All Time. Let that sink in for a minute. Jeffrey Atkins and Percy Miller are ahead of Kool Moe Dee (#48), Kurtis Blow (#42) and Gangstarr (#40). I don’t cream over the old school acts as much as some of y’all, but this is just about the funniest thang I’ve read in eons. Lil’ Kim (#34) whored her way on, too. Finally, Nelly (#29) completes the “they put who on the list” portion of our show.
I could spend all damn day on this subject, but let’s just cover a few more greasy slices of the ridiculousness. Novelty act Salt-n-Pepa (#9) made the top ten. Producer Dr. Dre (#7) made the top ten, while Ice Cube (#26) is behind N.W.A.(#13), despite writing the fact that Cube wrote the group’s best rhymes. P. Diddy is Number 12. Puff Daddy! I’m never watching that network again…unless they run the Milli Vanilli Behind the Music. I love that one.
General Haberdashery
I’m getting back into the reviews, kids. Here’s my my latest, for your readin’ pleasure. Coming soon are new ones for Ice Cube, Sean Paul and a couple of reader requests.
Cocozza is a good sport and a funny bastard, to boot. He foreshadows a rant for next week, but gets left at the altar by Claire.
Mike Blast liked Trina’s album a lot more than I did. Did he not hear Track #12? Woof.
Murph Dogg debuts a new feature that could make you a star.
Junk Mail
I’ve only been at this Bootleg thang for a hot one, but when a column I wrote over a month ago is still getting feedback, I think it’s time to address it again. Y’all remember my list of the five best rappers? Well, I’d like to present two of the more well-reasoned and articulate responses (edited for space). The first mostly disagreed with my list, while the second one echoes my top five with a few other salient points.
Jason Gillis is first up to roc the virtual mic.
Because everybody is entitled to their own opinion. And coming from somebody who likes to consider himself a Hip Hop Connoisseur (talking about myself, here), I would like to offer you my OWN top five greatest rappers ever .
1. KRS-One- The absolute EPITOMY of rap music. Although his preachy, egotistical rantings can (at times) be a bit annoying, I agree with his assement that he IS Hip Hop. And KRS-One has the distinction of crafting one of the VERY first commercial battle raps (The Bridge Is Over).
2. Public Enemy (more importantly: Chuck D)- He changed the whole rap GAME. He took it in a totally different direction, from the party and bullshit foundation that rap was built on.
3. Kool G. Rap/Ice T.- Look at today’s rap game. Money, hoes, drugs and Mafioso fantasies. Kool G. Rap STARTED this shit! He was the first New York rapper to touch on these subjects. And I include Ice T on the 3 spot cuz he did the same thing on the West Coast. He really is the “Original Gangster”. Nobody was touching on Blood/Crip relationships until Ice T did it.
4. 2Pac- Self explanatory.
5. The 5th spot is a tough one to gauge, but I am FORCED to choose Eminem.
Next up, the talented half of the Fabulous Salemi Brothers.
Bravo on the 5 tops emcees of all time. I can’t possibly disagree on any of your choices, not even the order. But I can comment 2Pac at no. 1, Biggie at no. 2. This is rap’s Pacino vs DeNiro, you hate to choose. In this never-ending battle between who was better I will always stand by a few points that tip the scales in Pac’s favor “B.I.G” time.
1) 2Pac made you feel, Biggie made you nod your head. Songs like Keep Ya Head Up and Dear Mama always had a feel like no record execs approved it, Biggie’s stuff seemed a little more formulaic as if Puffy signed off on everything saying “yeah that’s hot, take that take that ha haaa!”
2) 2Pac seemed to do it all on his own, Biggie seemed to have a lot of help from Puffy.
2Pac always had decent production from many sources(like on Me Against the World), but he never seemed to be part of someone’s hit empire, even on Death Row. Biggie was a huge beneficiary of Puffy’s production and marketing, and he still couldn’t sell more than 2Pac. Basically Biggie had to die to get to Pac’s numbers.
3) 2Pac wins the hip hop “electoral vote”. He is more loved in every region
except the East from Philly to CT, where it is a toss up probably. I’m not sure who wins in Maine, Vermont and New Hampshire area, probably the Beastie Boys, but not even for their classic stuff but their new Free Tibet-ACLU-PETA-Ben&Jerry’s era shit.
In the end both of them were at huge crossroads in their careers when they died…2Pac was changing rap by calling out everyone and not giving a shit, all while he may have been planning on moving on from Death Row.Biggie was on the verge of mega stardom with the release of his epic 2nd album just a few weeks away. Rap music definitely suffers to this day without them.
Eminem at no. 3
I have to put him here as well. You were right on the money when you said he has improved with each album, unlike Jay-Z or Nas or Snoop, who have dropped some stinkers on us in the past. And he doesn’t rap about bling bling or cars, and he’s one of the few guys who doesn’t. He’s hysterical, the guy can make diss songs about anyone from Benzino to Britney Spears to Bill O’Reilly. He has walked the tightrope of hardcore and commercial success like no one before him. Those who wish to take him down can’t get past his untouchable lyrical skills.
4)Nas
I kept giving him chances and he came through again with Stillmatic. Thank God, he’s too good to suck. He has made everyone forget The Firm and Nastradamus. I thought he was back when I heard Nas Is Like, which is an unsung classic, but the whole of “I Am” kind of “Was Not”. Actually if you put together the best songs of I Am, Nastradamus and his bootlegged Nastradamus of 99, you have one good album. NO ONE can “flow” like him.
5) Snoop
Thanks for putting him in the Top 5. I remember Deep Cover becoming a no. 1 single and wanting to hear more of this dude. Then his Chronic cuts and Doggystyle brought rap to the forefront of American culture. MTV was thinking of dumping rap altogether and focus on alternative garbage before he came along. Pop stations were forced to play his songs, editing be damned. Now rap music rules the airwaves, for better or worse. He should get royalties every time someone like Ja Rule gets played on Top 40. Even people who don’t know anything about rap know Snoop, he is a pop culture icon. Although his overall catalogue doesn’t stack up to the other top 4, he can live off his Chronic cuts and Doggystyle for all I care.
Now, if this were a DVD, we’d be movin’ into the “Special Features/Extras” section. However, since it jibes with my thoughts so closely, I hadda include the rest of Salemi’s opus.
Now I’m sure you got support for some of the following “Pretenders to the Crown”. I’m here to debunk those letters…
Rakim – I’m sure plenty of backpack wearing record store crate digging motherf*ckers who write to the Source in pen names like “Almighty Wise” and “Supreme God” were
bitching why he should be no. 1. Whatever they said was bullshit. He may have influenced a lot of emcees coming up at the time, but no one was loving him on a
grand scale until years after he peaked. I remember him in “Don’t Sweat the Technique”, hardly earth shattering stuff. Shit, he was old when his Juice cut, “Know the Ledge” came out. The fact is he disappeared like George W. Bush for a large part of his life, then came back in ’97 with some good stuff but not worthy of top dog status. To call him one of the best is pure Source-like bullshit. Let’s not rewrite history.
KRS ONE – Almost the same as Rakim. This fraud seems to spend more time SAYING he is a great rapper rather than proving it. BDP had some good cuts, but saying
“everyone remembered that shit” is pure NYC bullshit. He never hit it big outside of NYC, shit barely out of the Bronx. He has disappeared since he collaborated with Puffy on Step Into a World, which wasn’t terrible, but like this Nike commercial, it went against everything he pretended to stand for. He hasn’t done much since…
Jay-Z – First, are we all in agreement that his first album was NOT a classic? I own it, it is very good, but it did not change rap for the better. He has lobbied so damn hard to make people believe it was classic. “Shoulda went triple” he says. Bullshit, it didn’t go triple, no matter how many copies you made Bleek and Beans and Rell go buy. The Source proved it had no balls when it “revised” it to be a 5 mic classic. The original review said it deserved only 4 mics because he wasn’t saying anything new…and then they were like “yo, boy were we wrong”. I can’t believe how much I hate that magazine. That’s another email.
Again, I should note that I did do some major editing on the two letters above. I think I managed to keep the integrity of both viewpoints, however. Unfortunately, John dropped too many funny lines, which had to be cut out. I’ll be damned if anyone gets more laughs in my column than me.
Oakland A’s Update: It’s on like neckbone as the Green and Gold confront the evil empire for a three game set in Oaktown. Two outta three would be nice, especially since the A’s avoid Mussina. The offense still sputters at times, but hopefully my boys can get fat off’a Cleveland and Detroit next week.
This week’s Bootleg is humbly dedicated to Pat, who birthed me and my brother 21 minutes apart from each other and taught us not to fart in a casual dining restaurant. Happy Mother’s Day, Old Woman…See Ya on Sunday!
