As you may or may not know, I have been biding my time for the past nine months working at a learning center teaching S.A.T. Prep and intermediate math, among other subjects. One of my 8th grade students – who happens to be more enthused about drawing duplicate pencil sketches of Sponge Bob Square Pants and listening to Slip Knot than solving for x in a quadratic equation – challenged me to write a poem incorporating mathematics terminology. Her reasoning was that math was pointless and boring, and if good for nothing else at least her little challenge would serve to break up the monotony of her 3-hour tutoring session. So I decided to go along with her impromptu call to action, and here’s what I came up with:
From Here to Infinity
By Chris Biscuiti
Math is like an ex-girlfriend:
As much as you try to shake her memory and
Tie the past tightly shut, it is only
Human to think about her as if she were an
Equation that could never be resolved, forever a
Mystery as to why we end up, after all is said and done,
At zero. No matter how many building blocks it
Took it create a linear, loving existence,
I always used to feel like the pain and toil of the
Chase was cancelled out by the absolute value of her
Sweet and scintillating caresses
I am no longer that foolish, yet still I remain trapped.
It is a textbook case of, “Why does it always have to end
with a shot to the chest?” The puzzle pieces scattered aimlessly,
instead of being happy from here to infinity.
Finis
Not bad for off the top of my head if you ask me. The only problem was that following my display of slight emotional fragility my student proceeded to scribble a song about how hot the guy from Slip Knot was rather than finish up her algebra homework. Alas, girls will be girls, even if they do try to cloak their femininity under baggy clothes and safeguard their crushes in plastic sheets that sneak inside the walls of snap-wallets with metal chains.
Chris Biscuiti presents The Worst Segue Ever
Speaking of metal chains, I think WWE should bring back Hercules Hernandez as an addition to the Smackdown! roster so he can challenge Brock Lesnar to a Chain match. I could just see it now: The Next Big Thing versus The Next Big Has-Been.
On a serious note, I am wondering when WWE will realize any one of the next five truths about their current product:
1) The Big Show will never be a top-tier WWE superstar. It’s not Mr. Wight’s fault, per se, it’s just that the big man has been flipped from heel to face and from show to show so many times now that the fans have never really had the chance to buy into any move he’s tried to make. Either that, or it all comes back to the time when Big Show was thrown into a WWF Championship title defense against The Big Boss Man In all honesty, as soon as I saw what was about to transpire in those few weeks when he was the Champ, I just stopped caring right then and there about anything involving The Big Show. His WWE legacy: Giant potential never realized.
2) Having Smackdown! plugs on Raw and having Raw plugs on Smackdown! while you’re trying to split the brands into two distinct entities is just not the way to go. Did we really need a Raw cameo by Tazz and Michael Cole this week to plug Smackdown!’s Judgment Day matches? I wouldn’t have even had a huge problem with that, but then Cole and Tazz wind up delving into storylines involving Mr. America and Vince and it just drives me crazy because they say they want two separate brands and yet they pull this shit ALL THE TIME Okay, breathe deep, Chris Whew.
3) Vince and the entire staff of WWE Creative must stop letting Triple H job only to ex-Kliq members and NOT letting any other WWE superstars even sniff the World Heavyweight Championship. Unfortunately, the latest rumors that are circulating around these parts (and I happen to believe them) are that Triple H will let Nash carry the belt for a month and then he will reclaim it in time to have a battle with Goldberg at the first Raw-only PPV. Now, I can definitely buy into this part of the rumor mill, but then what I have heard from several sources is that Triple H wants to build up his match with Goldberg and actually do the job to Bill. This must be taken with a grain of salt, of course, because Triple H has become notorious for saying he wants to make way for a new champion only to lobby to have those plans scrapped when push comes to shove. (See RVD; See also Booker T). Until The Game does what’s best for WWE, which would be to help create new stars and spend some time off the top of the card, well, it’ll just be one sordid mess after another at the heavyweight level on Raw.
4) If Triple Threat matches are rarely able to be pulled off, why even attempt a Women’s Fatal Fourway match at Judgment Day? I give the WWE Divas eons of credit for becoming much more adept in the ring since Chyna paved the way for a Diva to really kick ass. However, now that the women of WWE are starting to possess both in-ring sassiness and savvy, I think it’s time for some extensive microphone sessions. That’s my second problem with this Fatal Fourway match, in addition to my issue with having any cluttered, discombobulated Fatal Fourway at all. As much as I can appreciate someone like Jacqueline’s work ethic, do I really a) care about any storyline/vignette involving Jacqueline in the past few months; or b) think she’s going to actually win the Women’s Championship at Judgment Day? Throw in the fact that WWE is grossly underutilizing one of their best female competitors, Molly Holly (who is languishing on Raw), and I just see this scenario as a lose-lose situation. Without having feasibility for all of the possible outcomes of the match and without having all of the women who can actually wrestle as part of the picture for the only recognized Women’s Championship in the company, the match at Judgment Day already loses a ton of credibility and steam, if not all of it.
5) When you bring back a wrestler or tag team for nostalgic purposes, make sure they are promoted the right way and that they can actually be serviceable elements to your company! Can I handle Roddy Piper mentoring Sean O’Haire and doing Piper’s Pit? Sure. Do I crack up during Mr. America segments? Definitely. You see, these type of things I have no problem with, because if nothing else they are fun and entertaining from a reflective, mnemonic standpoint. What I don’t agree with is when WWE makes a quick decision to bring back previously revered superstars in order to spark up feelings of nostalgia without having a plan in place. First off, not every single old-timer should be climbing back into the ring; for instance I don’t want to see The Berserker anytime soon. Secondly, if you are going to bring back a wrestler or a tag team after a prolonged hiatus – for example, The Legion of Doom – then why not promote the hell out of it and actually put them into a spot where they can be reintroduced to the fans and built up as serious contenders for the tag team titles instead of making them look like chumps while simultaneously wasting the title bout on their first reappearance? I just don’t see how Legion of Doom could have been handled any worse on Monday night, and now I feel like whenever they are in the ring or on camera it will be a complete waste of time.
Well, now that I have eloquently uncovered some of the painful truths that frustrate me about WWE, I feel that my job as the ultimate muckraker is done, at least for this week.
That being said, I would love to read all of your own thoughts and opinions as to what is ailing WWE, so feel free to drop me a few lines at chris411wrestling@yahoo.com. Some of the more exhilarating and well-crafted responses will be posted right here as part of my next column, so make sure you don’t miss out! (I would send you all munchkins as a thank you but I haven’t managed to develop the technology to be able to send what are essentially donut holes over the Internet.)
That’s all for now PEACE.
“Speaking of fictitious chef looking people, when the breakfast cereal ‘Cinnamon Toast Crunch’ first came out, there were three bakers in the logo. Mysteriously two of them disappeared, leaving just ‘Wendell’, and he became drawn more, shall we say, robustly. I’ll leave you to come up with your own conclusions.”
-My good friend Scott C.
Chris Biscuiti is also a pop culture, political and pro wrestling contributor for moodspins.com.
