Welcome to your Friday Fix of Bootleggery where the carpet always matches the curtains. First n’ foremost, thanks to all y’all who chimed in with your thoughts on the great six-month anniversary question. The final tally was a 50/50 split between doin’ something for the wife or blowing the “holiday” off. Since most of the “do something” votes mentioned that night’s A’s/Yankees game (and the goal of keepin’ the wife’s nag-hole quiet throughout), I punked out and went with the flowers and slab o’ cake. I’m movin’ closer to man-bitch everyday. Needless to say, the wife got me a freshly baked batch of not-a-damn-thing.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve shared with y’all the adventures of my treks to DC, San Francisco and…Anaheim. Well, it’s lookin’ like we’ll be adding a new tour stop next week, so get ready Omaha! Yeah, that Omaha. The one in Nebraska. Home of the College World Series and Wild Friggin’ Kingdom. Where dairy farms and slaughterhouses are historical landmarks…literally. This means next Friday could be another Bootleg-Free Day for y’all. So we’ll try’n load up on the goodness this week and keep the references to 50 Cent and The Dixie Chicks to a minimum.
Oh, before I forget…Tomorrow night, it’s the Padres/Braves game at the Stadium. We’ll be tailgatin’, so if you wanna come by and meet Mrs. Bootleg or drink some of our beer, drop me an email and I’ll let’cha know where in the parking lot we’ll be at. I know it’s Section E-something, but I can never remember. I’m the brutha with the head shaped like E.T.’s.
Coming Soon: MC Lyte on ColecoVision
One of the least annoying female rappers in the game will soon be appearing in one. Eve has signed on to be the voice of Major Jones in a shoot-em-up game called XIII. It should be out for all platforms by Christmas. I personally love this story because Eve was quoted as saying, “When I saw the game, I knew I wanted to be involved.” Who the hell aspires to do voice over work in a video game? Face it, Eve, you’re no different than Bob Costas and Harold Reynolds on Triple Play or John Madden and the senile Pat Summerall on the Madden games. You’re doin’ it for the money. Hopefully, it’s enough money for Eve to do something about her swollen face and XXL forehead. She looks like a lighter Barry Bonds with a blonde fade.
The Official Clothing Line for Beautiful Has-Beens
I guess the news coulda been worse. It seems that Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham (y’know, the former Spice Girl…the annoying one) approached Jay-Z about working on her new album. Instead, Jay-Z had a “better” idea. He suggested that Posh become the new co-whore for his Roc-A-Wear clothing campaign. I guess it’s a good thang that Nia Peeples didn’t show up an hour before Posh. Anyways, for the three of you that still care, early ’90s supermodel Naomi Campbell is Jigga’s other shill. The two women were reportedly paid a million bones for their services. Does anyone else wonder how a past-her-prime runway walker and a shrieking Brit from a flash-in-the-pan girl group could possibly appeal to Roc-A-Wear’s target demographic? Hey, I gotta use this degree in marketing for something.
He’s Not Quite Eminem, But He’s Definitely Better Than Miilkbone
A couple of years ago, Georgia’s own Bubba Sparxxx dropped his debut album. There were plenty of high hopes tacked onto the quick rise of his first single Ugly. Hell, even my wife got on the bandwagon and bought Bubba’s album and her rap collection includes Domino and Positive K. Unfortunately, the Bubba buzz (or as I like to call it, “Bubbuzz”) died faster’n John Leguizamo’s “House of Buggin'” on Fox. Now, Bubba is returnin’ with his sophomore effort called Deliverance on July 1. Timbaland returns to produce the album and humbly calls it “the most ingenious album I’ve ever done”. Gee, I hate to be the father that walks in on his daughter giving a BJ, but since I heard that Heather Hunter is making her rapping debut on this album, I can definitely say it will be anything but ingenious. The first single, Jimmy Mathis, has already been leaked online.
Won’t Someone Please Think Of The Children?
Does anyone plan on making a road trip to Las Vegas in early October? If so, ignore all the cheap buffets, quarter slots, white tigers and transvestite hookers (so I’ve been told). Instead, take your broke ass to Andre Agassi’s Grand Slam For Children Benefit Concert! Billy Joel, Elton John, Faith Hill and Sheryl Crow are scheduled to appear along with the funny Jaime Foxx, the verbose Dennis Miller and the hairy Robin Williams. Tickets start at $75 and proceeds go towards Agassi’s Foundation which provides at-risk youth in Vegas with educational and recreational opportunities. OK, it’s too damn hot in Vegas for any recreation. Furthermore, the only educational hopes for Vegas kids is to be a blackjack dealer, cocktail waitress or a pit boss named Vito. Also, while I’m a sucker for the strong German features of Andre’s wife, Steffi Graf, for my (bail) money, I’d rather stalk Serena Williams or Gabriela Sabatini.
Last Night I Hadda Dream…
Have any of y’all heard of a girl group called Dream? Apparently, Puff Daddy signed them to his Bad Boy label a few years ago and their debut album sold 1.5 million copies. When the hell did this happen? Anyways, I guess they’re comin’ back with a second album and a new member or two. This is like The Twilight Zone. Even, Eve is making a cameo on their new album. Does anyone remember the summer of 1998, when Master P and the No Limit Army ruled over hip hop? No, I’m serious. P and his troops were on the covers of all the rap magazines and it seemed like everything with the tank logo on it went gold or platinum. Of course, I’ve never, ever met anyone with an album by P, Fiend, Mia X or Soulja Slim, but that’s beside the point. How do you move nearly 2 million units and fly completely under the radar? I woulda thought anything ran by the shameless P.Diddy woulda been marketed down all our throats. Hell, Ma$e moved nearly six million albums while on Bad Boy. Mason Betha.
Wasn’t Piper’s First Farewell in 1987?
America’s favorite fake-ass grieving widow is extending her “farewell tour” by an additional two months. Cher, who incessantly bashed her ex-husband Sonny until his death a few years ago then cried on Barbara Walters’ 80 year old shoulder acting like she loved him forever, added seven more shows to the docket. “I don’t feel like I should come back”, Cher was quoted as saying. Let me holla at’cha for a second, son. I was too young to remember the Sonny & Cher Show. However, I did live through your piss-poor videos, like your half-dressed middle-aged buttocks hangin’ out of a bodysuit in Turn Back Time. I lived through your infomercials with that beached whale hawking cosmetics. I sat in gridlock while every dimple-assed soccer mom in San Diego dragged their husbands to your concert a few years back. Bitch, the Bootleg says, go with that feeling.
Que Lastima
The quiet and reserved Jennifer Lopez makes a rare Bootleg appearance this week. She’s reportedly in talks to produce a soap opera for the NBC-owned Spanish network, Telemundo. The show will revolve around a young Latina who hopes to move from the Barrio and become a star. Lopez said at the announcement, “I see this opportunity as a way to connect to the Spanish speaking audience in a different and more profound way than has been done in the past.” A profound Mexican soap opera. If you’ve never seen one, the acting is just as bad as the American ones, but all the females have boobs as big as my head. Sadly, Bumblebee Man is on another program.
Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard
Last Saturday, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith received an honorary doctorate degree from The Berklee College of Music in Boston. He even said a few words to the graduating class. I just hope he wore a long sleeve shirt to cover up all those track marks on his arms. Hey, and another thing. What the hell ever happened to his no-talent daughter, Liv? I remember when her star was set to take off with her roles in That Thing You Do and Armageddon. Then, nothing. It was kind of like how Jaime Lee Curtis dancing in her draws in True Lies was supposed to revive her career. Who’d have thunk that Tom Arnold would be the only one from that movie finding steady work?
Hey, Maybe Cedric Was Right
The ongoing feud between Rosa Parks and OutKast continues. Last Monday, an appeals court ruled that Parks can proceed with a lawsuit against the rap duo for using her name as the title for a cut off’a their Aquemini album. Normally, I stay outta the super
serious news stories, but the following quote from Ms. Parks’ attorney is too funny to pass up. He said, “This actually has reaffirmed the rights of other citizens in the United States that others should not appropriate one’s name for profit without one’s consent. It’s another stand for which Mrs. Parks has stood tall”. Do any of y’all seriously think that the name of one track on one album has ever moved someone to buy the album? Rosa Parks’ “stand” is entirely hypocritical, as she’s lookin’ to profit off’a the work of others. You can argue her place in the civil rights movement from here to there, but this is just pathetic.
Hot Wings and Hova
Don’t look now, but hip hop’s very own Missing Link is opening a sure-to-fail sports bar in Manhattan. Jay-Z is the primary investor in 40/40, a restaurant located on West 25th Street. The grand opening is May 28. Jigga wanted a restaurant name that epitomized “exclusivity”, so he named it after baseball’s most exclusive “club”. It’s baseball jargon for 40 Home Runs and 40 stolen bases in the same season. Only Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco have accomplished this feat. Speaking of Jose Canseco, is there a more pathetic and tragic figure in recent sports history? From 1988 to 1991, he was the best player in the game. Since then, he was traded from a playoff contender to an also-ran for Ruben Sierra. He had a ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a homerun. He tore a ligament in his elbow while warming up for a pitching(!) appearance. He was arrested for domestic battery. He was arrested for assault. Now, he’s on house arrest while whoring his name to a website that’s auctioning off “An Afternoon with Jose”. Christ, he’s on house arrest! What could he and the winner possibly do? “This is my bathroom, where I’ve flushed countless vials down the can. Wait, I haven’t shown you the upstairs!”
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Aiight, y’all, please try’n keep up. The man who had us all livin’ the crazy life a few years ago is back, baby! Ricky Martin is scheduled to appear at The Virgin Megastore in Times Square on May 21. He’s pimpin’ his new Spanish-language album, Alimas Del Silencio. Fans should be warned that Martin will appear for only one hour and only sign copies of his new album. There is absolutely nothing more hilarious than the celebrity who isn’t a celebrity anymore but who thinks he still is. Longtime readers know the story of how Scott Baio had me and my boys thrown out of a restaurant in Hollywood at 3:00 AM a few years ago. Personally, I’d be flattered if a drunk-off-his-ass brutha told me to “Get off the cell phone, Chachi, you know you ain’t talkin’ to no one”. Instead, he calls the waitress over (who was more butch than Chyna), thumbs in our direction and she tells us to get out. Lookin’ back, we shoulda waited for him in the parking lot, but I think we were all in shock that Charles in Charge had that much clout at Jake’s Famous Deli.
General Haberdashery
Cocozza has enjoyed two Claire-free weeks, which gives him an extra day on the main music page. His brother, John, is a dirty Yankee-lover.
Daniels is back. If you missed him, don’t worry…your aim will get better.
Ice Cube goes Bo Derek on us.
Junk Mail
The feedback to great last week’s column was pretty damn overwhelming. All y’all hated on VH1’s all-time rappers list as much as I did. I’mma just turn it over to a sample of comments from youse guys:
The Beastie Boys, Salt-n-Pepa, Puffy, LL, and Tupac all before NWA… what in the blue hell……Also, to clarify, there are some people IN NY who didn’t realize the dude on the commercial was DJ Clue – Tom Daniels
That list is so pathetic in so many ways. I could name a few names that should’ve been added but weren’t…(like) THE 2 LIVE CREW: (Due to) their strides in the indy label scene, their fight against censorship, and the fact that they helped put the Dirty South on the map should’ve guaranteed a spot on that list. THE GETO BOYS: Mr. Scarface in particular was influential. KOOL G. RAP: All these thug rappers nowadays have tried and tried to make thug records like the Kool Genius of Rap, but they still can’t get it right. – Phil Watts
But the biggest thing that bothers me about the list is one man that they left off the list. One man so damn gangsta and hardcore they didn’t want to put his face on tv (Not Craig Mack). One MC with the tightest flow, his name. Young MC! – Andrew H.
This week’s question-to-take-up-space once again comes from the Alec Baldwin of the Salemi family, John. Not to be confused with Nick (Billy Baldwin).
“Had a Spark When You Started, Now You’re Just Garbage” (one of Jay-Z’s better lines) – rappers that have fallen like the NASDAQ
Kurupt (one of the biggest wastes of talent in rap music, combined with some of the worst decision making this side of the Mets’ front office).
DMX (it’s gonna take a serious “New Deal” to get him out of his “Great Depression”)
Memphis Bleek (loved his first album, but he just became a Roc-a-fella stooge by his 2nd album.)
Xzibit (talented, but seemed to overstep his bounds of how good he was…still love “X” with Snoop though)
Method Man (I used to LOVE this guy, he was my favorite, his fall is a whole other email)
Raekwon (does he even speak English anymore? “Yo, politicking with white dudes with Albanian accents and leisure suits, dinin on the freshest fruits”…you lost me Rae…)
RZA (why didn’t someone intervene before the Bobby Digital thing? It was like watching a friend succumb to heroin who didn’t want help). Aw hell the whole Wu-Tang Clan except the GZA (that includes Ghostface, who people said “brought the Wu back” but I’m not waiting for his next album, probably tentatively titled “Bubonic Iron Utensils” or something stupid as usual.)
Do you have anyone to add to the list?
Man, you gots to love anyone that can squeeze in references to FDR, the NY Mets, the fall of Meth and heroin addiction into one email. Rappers that have fallen off? Yeah, I gots some names.
Ice Cube – You can’t take nothin’ away from his influence and legacy, but he hasn’t dropped a good (even listenable) album since 1993.
Bone Thugs N Harmony – Ten years ago, they were fresh and original. Ten years later, they’re still sayin’ the same thing…I think.
Public Enemy – Remember that cat in I’m Gonna Git You Sucka who played the middle-aged militant? He be them.
Mack 10 – He was never a great lyricist, but he did show promise back in his Backyard Boogie days. Have you heard his last three albums?
These are just the first few names that popped into my mind. Readers, y’all are welcome to school me if you’ve got some other names.
Oakland A’s Update: The green n’ gold took 2 of 3 from the evil empire last weekend. We don’t gloat here at The Bootleg over a series in May, though. The road to the AL Pennant still goes through the Boogie Down. It’s three in Cleveland this weekend, then back home for the Twins and Royals. Eric Byrnes is the man.
This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to the wife. Six months down and only 480 more to go before one of us dies and the other is free to date.
