Junk News Huzzah! 05.15.03


Look at me! I’m starting out with a quote! I’m Eric S! Look at me!
-Eric S, next week hopefully.

Welcome back to another incredible edition of my joke news report. I’ll try to make you guys laugh.

Before we get to that, I’d like to turn my attention to a certain drug using slut. Well, she’s a drug using slut if you listen to some idiot bimbo who sleeps with her dad. She’s a big contributor to the 411 Forum, and she goes by the name of Blade. Blade is going to graduate high school this year, which is remarkable in itself that she was able to survive public high school. She’s got problems at home, as I’m sure that most of us do. Her dad’s girlfriend likes to pretend she’s an important part of Blade’s life by telling Blade that Blade’s a junkie whore. Blade doesn’t do drugs and she’s far from a whore, just about as far as one can get. She’s afraid to go home. She doesn’t know what to expect there. While that’s sad, that’s not important. That’s not why I’m taking time to write about a girl I’ve never talked to or met.

As you all know, I’m trying to get my plays off the ground. It’s my dream to be a famous writer, and you guys have been helping me with that. It’s not easy, and I’ve suffered a couple of setbacks in the past week. Blade wrestles and she wants to be a wrestler. She recently suffered an injury and was unable to perform up to her standards in the ring. It’s killing her, not just the pain. It’s the fact that she’s unable to do what she loves to. It’s the fact that despite all of the passion she has for wrestling, despite her gigantic heart, she’s not able to do it right now. Her escape from the shit, her outlet for her frustration, it’s gone for now. She posted this story in the forum about a week ago. I’m not sure if she wanted responses so much as an outlet, but here’s a response for her:

Blade, we move away from home. We forget about the people who hurt us for the most part, save for the stray thought every now and then. We lose our dreams and find new ones, and sometimes we find our old dreams again. We give up and then we find our strength has returned to us tenfold. We cry out for answers to questions we soon realize we already knew the answers to. We get hurt and then our bodies heal. We tell ourselves that it’s impossible and then we accomplish it. We don’t know if people we have never met us have any faith in us.

Well, that last one is not quite true. I have faith in you Blade. I’ve never met you and I can still tell that you have the heart of a lion. I’ve been called a lot worse then a Blade Follower. Do me a small favor and put my name on that list? Thanks.


Chavo injured himself at the Velocity taping and is off the PPV, leaving Eddie partnerless in his quest to win the tag team titles at the PPV. Eddie’s only hope now is that the bookers will decide that Eddie wins the match.

Big news, as Eddie has found a partner! It’s WWE developmental talent, John “The Tank” Toland. What did Toland say after Eddie chose him as his partner? Come on, take a guess! No, not, “Thank you.” It’s funnier then that! I’ll give you guys a clue, it has something to do with Toland’s nickname. Oh man, you’re never going to get this and it’s so obvious! Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. First you gotta get ready. Into laughing positions, reader monkeys! Toland said this is so good Toland said, “Tanks.”

Raw delivered a 4.4 rating, up .9 from last week’s 3.5. Hmmm on May 5th, no Rodney Mack match. 3.5. On May 12th, Rodney Mack fights two white boys. 4.4. Is the message clear yet, WWE?

Booker T is very sick, SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Edge continues his terrifying sick commentaries on WWE.com. In his most recent update, Edge said that he laughed as Christian was freezing to death. To quote Edge, “Christian fell through the ice up to his thighs I push[ed] Christian all the way to Winnipeg but it was all worth it.”

Legion of Doom recently talked to WWE.com about their return to the WWE, pausing in the middle for a spur of the moment make out session when Animal passionately kissed Hawk. After the kiss, the two men just stared at each other for a moment, neither knowing what to do or say. Hawk then cleared his throat, licked his lips and said, “Oh. What a rush!” Then this joke died painfully.

NWA:TNA was on last night, kind of. I mean, I assume it was on. I didn’t see any advertising for it and no one mentioned it that I knew. It was probably there, and Jeff Jarrett probably won a match with the help of some 80 year old wrestler.

Not that much news this week. Let’s spoil Smackdown.

Vince talks about Mr. America, then the FBI comes out to talk about Mr. America. Somehow, this segues into a Rikishi-FBI match. Somehow wait a second nope. Got nothing.

Mr. America visits a children’s hospital proving what I’ve been saying all along: Mr. America is Michael Jackson.

Torrie Wilson gets almost naked and challenges Sable to something or something. Then something else happens. Compelling stuff.

Stephanie gets roses from Mr. America and Hulk Hogan, definitely proving that Hulk Hogan is not Mr. America. But roses Mr. America is Sal Sincere?

Matt Hardy fights Tajiri and challenge Mr. America. Matt fact: Matt enjoys playing the one in many generic bad guy.

Stephanie kisses Mr. America. Correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s the first time I’ve mentioned Mr. America in my report, right? I don’t want to over do it.

John Cena gives a rap in which he challenges Mr. America. Man. Keith is going to stick his dick into this show and f*ck it like it was his boyhood dog.

Benoit fights Cena. Benoit is such an awesome worker. If Widro could give Benoit some acting lessons and Benoit could teach Widro humility, we’d have the world’s greatest wrestler and the world’s greatest, and most grounded, actor. Guess which one is which.

Piper’s Pit wastes what should have been the most awesome debut in the history of debuts. Let me give you my storyline.

A young unknown comes out for a match with Crash Holly. The young unknown doesn’t look that great, but he wins.

Next week, the young unknown gets an upset victory over, um, Chuck Palumbo. He looks like a normal wrestler.

Next week, the young unknown gets a win over Shelton Benjamin. Team Angle beat down.

Next week, a win over Charlie Haas. Team Angle beatdown.

Next week, Kurt Angle returns. The young unknown challenges Angle. Angle laughs and they fight, Angle having the clear advantage. Angle easily gets the ankle lock on, but the heart of the young unknown will not let him tap. 5 MINUTES the hold is applied. Angle is stretching, pulling, twisting, and the kid just won’t tap. Suddenly, the kid begins to laugh. Exhausted from applying so much pressure but furious over the laughter, Angle gives the leg a giant pull, and the leg comes off it his hands. Angle screams and drops the leg, allowing Z to hit a springboard dropkick and get the shocking pin. THAT’S an introduction. Having Piper pull your leg off during a Mr. America storyline that everyone is involved with isn’t.

Piper gets the match with Mr. America. MR. AMERICA! MR. AMERICA! YEAH! WOO! LET’S WATCH AN 8 HOUR documentary on the guy! YEEEEEE HAW! So tired.

Rey gives an interview. He’s actually a little girl. I know. I’m shocked too.

Okay. That was quick.


Tickets go on sale next week!

Did you guys ever hear about some kind of Mass Transit accident? Something to do with cars or something? Well, my boy Kenny A has a little bit of knowledge on the subject.

Joe Rivett talks a whole lot but forgets to have sex with himself. For shame, Joe.

Those Biscuiti’s are class acts!

Grutman vs. Daniels. I kick ass!

Scoop this is back, and I couldn’t be happier! Wait, that’s not the word paranoid and hostile. Yes, that works.

Okay. I gotta go walk for commencement. No need for congrats, I graduated in the fall, I’m just walking now. Enjoy Ashish tomorrow, as I enjoy Ashish every day.