There is no mountain I cannot climb. There is no ocean I cannot swim. I am a liberal with an audience, a rebel in a country brainwashed to believe we must sacrifice our basic freedoms to remain free. I weigh 600 pounds.
-Eric S next week, I’m praying.
The funny news report is going through some changes. No, it won’t really become funny. Instead, I’m going to try to settle into a new routine to both educate and inform the reader.
We’ll begin each week with the following announcement, at least until July 13th:
Thank you guys so much. You who have donated to my play have helped me begin to live my dream. From July 10th-July 13th at the St. Marks Theater in Manhattan, either Grutman on Grutman or Something Egotistical Like That or Really Funny Plays By Someone You’ve Never Heard Of will be performed by a hilarious cast of actors and actresses. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday the plays will start at 8:00. On Sunday the plays will start at 4:00. You guys helped me, so I’m offering you first dibs on tickets. Tickets cost 15 bucks a piece and we only have 240 seats available. If you’re in the NYC area (NYC, Long Island, New Jersey, Connecticut, less than an hour and a half away or so) or will be on those dates and would like to attend the show, send me an e-mail telling me how many tickets you’d like on which day. We’ll discuss payment then. If you’ve donated to the play and would like tickets, I’ll subtract what you donated from the price of the tickets, most probably with special deals for you excellent people. The shows are really funny. I hope a lot of you come.
That will be first. More advertising may be added as we get closer to the show and I get more desperate. We’ll see.
After my ticket pitch, we’ll move on to what I am sure will captivate the net. It captivated me. It’s an honor for me to introduce to you a high school girl who is training to be a professional wrestler. A girl with problems and stories and a gigantic heart. I tried to write A Wrestling Tale about her life, but it hit me that she could tell you about it far better then I could. Here is the introduction to the series, followed by my wrestling jokes.
Blading
My name is Sarah Blade, and I am 17 years old. I live in Calgary Alberta, and I have been traning to be a wrestler for about a year now.
I have had ups and downs the majority of my life. I have been beaten by an ex boyfriend for 2 years, never knowing that a guy should not hit a girl, so I thought that it was normal. I have been raped. I have been mentally abused the majority of my life. I have seen things that I never wanted to see, and done things that I wouldn’t ever think of doing again.
But I have also seen and done some incredible things in my short life so far. I have stepped in a wrestling ring, in front of hundreds of people, and done the one thing I love more then anything. I have had a few small injuries and one major one. I idolize Mick Foley, and I do a flying elbow just like him. I have been told that my wrestling style is just like his.
Through wrestling, I have realized that the good outweighs the bad. That if you love something, and you go for it, it will be the best thing that you can do. I regret many things I have done in life, but becoming a professional wrestler was one thing I will never regret.
This is going to become a weekly column. Get ready to have your world rocked by this special young woman, monkeys. I haven’t asked for her permission to publish her e-mail address yet, so send me mail I’ll forward it to her and I’ll remember to ask her by next week.
Ring of Honor, a promotion I enjoy a great deal, has announced the following dates for this summer:
-May 31st, Philadelphia, PA for “Do Or Die”
-June 14th, Cambridge, MA for “Night Of The Grudges”
-June 28th, Philadelphia, PA
-July 19th, Elizabeth, NJ for the big annual summer spectacular (help name this show now at ROHwrestling.com).
-August 9th, Dayton, Ohio
-August 16th, Fairfield, CT
Info on all these events can be found at ROHwrestling.com.
JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!
At the most recent WWA show, The Future beat The Future, Teo beat Puppet and Meatballs and Sting beat The Dean and (shockingly still) the worst Steiner Brother. WHERE DO I GET THE VIDEO?!
NWA:TNA decided not to mention the death of Ms. Elizabeth because Ms. Elizabeth had nothing to do with NWA:TNA. Jeff Jarrett said, “While we are saddened by the loss of this great woman, what the f*ck did she ever do for us?†Jarrett then got into Hermie Sadler’s car and sped away. He probably shouldn’t have held the press conference at the Macho Man’s house.
Rick Steiner has heat with NWA:TNA. After finding out about this, Rick Steiner said, “Oh no! Not heat with NWA:TNA! Oh boy, am I in trouble now! When you get heat with NWA:TNA, you’re blackballed forever!†Steiner then waited for laughter at his obviously sarcastic comments, but he was all alone in his one bedroom apartment. Steiner realized this and began to bark sadly.
AJ Styles, Ron Killings and D-Lo Brown also have heat with NWA:TNA. This just proves what I’ve said all along: NWA:TNA hates black people and AJ Styles.
Rey Mysterio was injured at the Smackdown tapings. Ray released a statement, saying, “Oh shit! This f*cking hurts,†as soon as the injury occurred.
He apparently got hurt while performing a bronco buster. Yet another brilliant and useful contribution to the wrestling business from X-Pac. Even banished from the WWE, the rat like competitor still manages to affect the product. Kudos, X-Pac.
After Ric Flair lost to Triple H, all of the WWE superstars and bosses and agents came out to hug Ric and pay tribute to him. That’s just classy. I just feel bad all of the wrestlers rushing to the ring to congratulate Flair trampled and killed Arn Anderson. There’s something wrong about that.
Despite suffering a concussion at the PPV, Spanky returned to the Smackdown tapings on Tuesday. After this display of courage and determination, he was routinely squashed by John (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) Cena.
Sean Morely is changing his named back to Val Venis. Why not More Venis?
The WWE is searching for a new Diva! Do you have what it takes to be the next WWE Diva? No! Of course you don’t! If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a teenage male, and not a pretty one at that! But keep dreaming!
Triple H is the king of the 411 Interactive Most Hated Wrestler countdown, while Goldberg occupies a spot on both the best and worst list. As many of you have guessed, this means absolutely nothing.
By the way, there’s a Spanky backlash? What the hell is wrong with you guys? What’s wrong with Spanky?
Smackdown spoilers now. Run away if you hate them.
Reuben sits on Clay and pins him in 3 seconds in the quickest Smackdown match ever! Way to branch out, fat guy and skinny girl. Interesting to note, it’s also Keith’s match of the night.
Vince starts the show off by taking control away from Stephanie for the next 2 hours. Stephanie made him swear she’d get control back for Raw, and then everything was cool.
Japino Heat faced Team Angle in the greatest first match in Smackdown History. Or I’m lying. Whatever.
Steph and Vince talk. Then Vince and Roddy Piper talk. The Sean O’Haire talks. Too much talking. Where’s the lesbianism? Where’s the necrophilia? Where’s the love?
John Cena fights Spanky. The Spanky backlash continues as most wrestling fans hate talented, charismatic performers. Let’s get him, guys!
The FBI chortle like Hyena’s in anticipation of their match against Mark Henry. I’m sorry, that’s Brock Lesnar. Odd, though. They both have great bodies, and Brock and Mark have never been in the same ring at the same time Hmmmm.
Benoit fights Hardy. Will Benoit continue his awesome losing tradition as of late? Will Hardy continue his awesome losing tradition as of late? Why aren’t these guys currently feuding over the Heavyweight title? TUNE IN TO FIND NONE OF THE ANSWERS!
Mysterio injures himself against Moore and Crash and still wins. What a trouper!
Stephanie interviews Tenacious Z. His only dream is to become a WWE superstar. And maybe to grow another leg. Two dreams. Good dreams.
Brock faces an FBI member and the FBI attacks and then the Undertaker comes back. See? I don’t ruin surprises. I didn’t tell you which FBI member was in the match.
Sable dumps water on Tazz’s head to set up their match next week on Smackdown. “And there’s Sable with a slap Tazz with a kick to the gut! Now he’s shitting in her gym bag! LAWSUIT! LAWSUIT! Here comes Michael Cole with a chair wait a second. If Cole is in the ring and Tazz is in the ring, who is doing commentary? It’s me, but I’m no one. How awful an existence. I’m nothing. Nowhere. Never. Goodbye.â€Â
Mr. O’Haire fights Mr. America as Mr. Zowen and Mr. Piper and Mr. McMahon look on or get arrested or cause one the participants to get counted out. Oh, what the hell! Tenacious Z get arrested and brought to prison. “Hey, new meat. Wanna have something as big as a leg connected to you?â€Â
That’s that.
PLUGS!
You can still donate to my plays even if you don’t want a ticket. Every little bit helps.
God, we’re cool, right? Why is Ron Gamble still alive? I look like a fool.
Chris Biscuiti of the Fabulous Biscuiti Brothers answers your e-mails as he Counterfeits Pennies.
My running buddy, Tommy D, does the music news also. Check it before you wreck yourself.
Always nice to plug the Figures Section. They have figures there.
That’s it. Buy tickets. I promise that for every ticket I sell, another Smurf will die. I swears it.
