411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 05.23.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m your neighborhood pusher, a.k.a. the paddy cake man. Think of me as a less threatening version of Wayne Brady. It’s Memorial Day weekend here in the States, which most consider the unofficial start of summer. Speakin’ of which, it’s graduation time for many of youse bastards. So, congrats to the Class of 2003. If you’re leaving college, let me warn you of a few things.

One, your entire concept of time (18 week semesters or 11 week quarters) will die a horrible pus-filled death. You’ll go to sleep and it’ll be February. You’ll wake up and it’ll be September. Seriously, I graduated in 1997 and I swear it was only yesterday when the world was mourning the loss of Princess Diana and a young Puff Daddy was teachin’ hip hop how to laugh again. Two, there’ll be no more runnin’ to the mall at 11:30 on a Tuesday morning. You’ll be workin’, now, Jackson. That’s what weekends are for. Finally, throw away your caps. In college, my various Oakland caps were the foundation of my wardrobe. Now, they sit dusty and alone in the closet along with my hopes, dreams, porn and ambition. Enjoy the goodness, y’all.

It’s the Only Part of Her That’s Still Real

Last week, we told you about Eve lending her pipes to a video game character. This week, it was announced that Lil’ Kim will voice a heroine in John Ridley’s straight-to-video animated flick Those Who Walk in Darkness. The character is a female cop in a futuristic version of LA with Kim’s proportions. If it’s in 3D, I’m there. Kim will also star in a “hip hop western” called Guns And Roses later this year. The film co-stars Bobby Brown, Stacey Dash and LisaRaye. Think about that combined resume. Bobby Brown, Ghostbusters II. Stacey Dash, Mo Money and Clueless. LisaRaye, The Player’s Club. This could be as bad as Woo, B.A.P.S. and Sprung.

Gee, Whose Side Do We Take In This Feud?

Aiight, y’all gotta admit that this battle has possibilities. Here’s the short version: apparently Mariah Carey and Eminem were an item at some point in time. Sorry, but I was too busy tryin’ to figure out that Jermaine Dupri/Janet Jackson relationship, so I missed it. Anyways, there are rumors that Em’s camp will include Mariah’s voicemails to Em (where she uses a “Jennifer Tilly” voice to describe sex acts) on his next album. In response, Mariah told Slim Shady to get a life. Em’s folks deny they’ll be using Carey’s voice, while BOTH sides don’t dispute the existence of these voice mails. I think we’re all hoping the voice mails are made public, if for no other reason than to send Mariah back into therapy and out of the public eye (save for occasional visits to TRL Live, where she babbles incoherently to Carson Daly while wearing shorts two sizes too small).

The Fall Collection: Panties That Cure Cancer

Ludacris isn’t my favorite rapper. I like him in small bite-sized pieces (like frosted Mini-Wheats), but when there’s more of him in my bowl (like those much bigger blocks of shredded wheat), I tend to gag. Anywho, he’s got a new clothing line coming out called C.P. Time. It’s a clever name, but what kinda chronic is Luda tokin’? In a recent interview, he claims his urban wear could go a long way to ending racism in America. Yeah, can’t y’all see Blacks and Whites and Filipinos and Eskimos joining hands and united by oversized, brightly colored denim suits and bubble jackets? Speakin’ of urban fashion fads, will someone please stop the throwback jersey madness? If you can’t name five cats on the team you’re reppin’ then you shouldn’t be wearing one. Furthermore, the NBA jersey and white short-sleeve shirt underneath looks stupid. Not stoopid.

An Awards Show that Everyone on 411Music is Sure to Bitch About

Leave it to the good people at MTV to put the various arch-nemsises (whaddaya mean it’s not a word?) of 411Music under one roof. The MTV Movie Awards will air next month and features performances from 50 Cent, T.A.T.U and Pink. If that’s not enough, MTV has specifically targeted The Bootleg with their inclusion of Justin Timberlake as co-host. Hopefully, 50’s posse kicks the sh!t outta Justin while everyone else “doesn’t see a thing (wink)”. Sean William Scott is the other host and, with any luck, he’ll join that not-Keanu Reeves guy from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure on the annoying “dude” unemployment line in a few years.

The Oldest Rookie…Again

Everyone knows that The Bootleg couldn’t give two sh!ts about the comings and goings in the country music industry. Yeah, I did pick up Jeff Jarrett’s Ain’t I Great album in 1995, but that was the exception to the rule. However, I found a news item that caught my jaded eye. Someone named Blake Shelton was up for an award at the American Country Music Awards. He was nominated for top new male vocalist…for the second year in a row. I would think after year one, you’re not exactly “new” anymore. I’m sure the country is waiting with bated breath to see if Blake pulled it off this year. Sorry, but you yokels will hafta keep on waitin’. The day I put Country Music Award results in my column will be the day it stops burning when I pee. Lousy clap. If you can’t trust hookers…

She’s a Man, Baby…Yeah!

The scratchy wails of Macy Gray will be coming to a cartoon near you. I can’t think of a better place for a face like hers. Hell, all you need are the templates for Nickelodeon’s Stimpy and touch ’em up with an orange afro. The cartoon is loosely based on Macy’s life and will be produced by Warner Bros. Now, according to my very young cousin who doesn’t exist, the last time the WB ventured into an actor produced cartoon was 1996’s putrid Waynehead which had the very talentless Damon Wayans and all the In Living Color refugees not named Jim Carrey voicing the annoying characters. Hey, remember when Damon thought he was the next Eddie Murphy? Along came Blankman and that ended that.

I’m Aghast, Agog and Appalled

Drugs? Rock and Roll? Together? I know many of y’all think that the vermin of entertainment are exclusive to rap, while rock and/or roll is the lily-white paragon of virtue. To those folks, I offer up Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots. Last Saturday, his dumb ass was arrested in Burbank, CA for drug possession. The Five-O pinched Weiland during a traffic stop. Trust me, a white man livin’ here in Southern Cali has really gotta work hard to get pulled over for a traffic stop. Weiland has already done jail time for a probation violation and has a history with heroin. All of which makes me wonder what jailhouse clique a 145-pound singer joins. I think we all know the answer to that one, don’t we, Prag?

Crap Rock? No, That’s Not It. Wuss Rock? That’s it!

In the tradition of “B-Baller” Cedric Ceballos, “C-Webb” Chris Webber and “Rico Suave” Ruben Sierra, there’s yet another athlete who is attempting to cut his teeth in the world of music. Yankees’ centerfielder Bernie Williams will drop his debut LP, The Journey Within, on July 15. It’s described as a jazz/acoustic blend. There will be some original compositions mixed in with covers of jams from Billy Joel and Kansas. Eh, I preferred the entertainment ventures from athletes in my youth. Who didn’t rap along with “the punky QB” Jim McMahon doin’ The Super Bowl Shuffle? Couldn’t we all relate to Koko B. Ware’s silky comparison of love to a Piledriver? Let’s not forget Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan teaching each other the finer points of their crafts in Jam.

You’d Think America, Jr. Would Be Grateful

If your city had the opportunity to host a gaggle of shriveled up white men who still think they’re relevant in a rock and roll sorta way (for free, no less), don’cha think the red carpet woulda been rolled out? No, we’re not talkin’ Robert Gibson and Ricky Morton. The Rolling Stones had plans to play a free concert in Toronto this summer to help promote a positive image for the city. In the wake of the SARS scare, Toronto has seen its tourism business fall at a staggering rate. As an aside, who actually visits Toronto? It’s the city equivalent of Denny’s. Y’know…the restaurant that no one plans to eat at…you just kind of end up there at 3:00 in the morning while being served cold pancakes by a thick-calved waitress named Ethel. Anyways, the city’s government is balking at the $10 million price tag for putting on the show, without any hope of recouping the costs via admission. Accept it, Toronto, they ain’t comin’…so enjoy your french fries topped with gravy and your 2 weeks of nice weather.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

There are some aspects of rap music that cause me great searing gas pain. The bling-bling, the video hoes…Nelly. Yet, I don’t think anything lances my boils more than these flash-in-the-pan novelty acts who glom onto hip hop with a catchy hook and a ridiculous gimmick and parlay it into six weeks of incessant radio airplay. No, not Skee-Lo, this time it’s one-hit wonder Afroman. He claims to have found God and is livid that his record label won’t work with him on a Christian rap album. Let me holla at’cha for a second, son. Your 15 minutes began and ended with Because I Got High. You’re basically Bobby McFerrin with worse hygiene and more inane lyrical content. Why can’t you just accept your place in the alphabetical hip hop bargain bin with Ant Banks and AZ?

General Haberdashery

Curtis leaves the mainstream for a minute to find some independent success.

Scarface is missing, but then so are Snoop Dogg and Craig Mack.

Big delicious breasts rule. If you’re into that sorta thang.

Junk Mail

Last week, I asked that y’all give me your opinions on rappers who’ve fallen off. Yikes. Y’all weren’t short on opinions. The number one choice was Ice Cube and I can’t really fight that one. The good doctor, Phil Watts, Jr. returns with the best zinger:

I’ll take (another) Friday sequel to another War & Peace disc any day.

Damn. I’ve seen Next Friday and Friday After Next, so I know this is harsh. The number two choice was for Snoop Dogg. Now this one I do dispute, but this is where y’all sound off and I already placed the D-O-double G on my top rappers of all time list, so here’s my man Dbrown to school y’all:

(Snoop) is perhaps the most overrated one hit wonder in the history of music itself. His whole career, he’s had one hot album. He’s like the Buster Douglas of hip hop. He seemed great at the time, but in hindsight stands revealed as a huge fluke.

I’ll give ya points for the Buster Douglas diss, but Snoop at his best is still better than 90% of the cats out there today. 1993’s Doggystyle set the bar at a level no rapper could possibly reach again. Still, with only one truly, truly awful album under his belt, the remainder of his catalog stacks up well with just about anyone else in the game.

Other notables who received more than a few “fallin’ off” votes were: Fat Joe, Too Short, The Roots, Xzibit, Jay-Z and LL Cool J.

This week’s hot steaming load of junk mail comes from the United States of Texas, where every pickup truck has a gun rack and an open beverage container. “L.T.” writes:

You always talk about Deion Sanders albums, but do you own any of them? I’m ashamed to admit in a guilty pleasure way I liked his CD. But we’ve all got those albums that we own that we’d never tell anyone about right?

L.T., I only wish you had used your full name, so I could let everyone know you OWN the Deion Sanders album. Kidding. By the way, you used the plural and Deion only released one full-length CD, along with a joint on the Street Fighter soundtrack (which you got just for the Nas cut, right Nick?) I responded to LT with my own list of guilty pleasure CDs, so why not make my shame public? In no particular order:

1.) Deion Sanders – Prime Time: This was released just after Deion and the 49ers won the Super Bowl in 1995. This album is so spectacularly bad that it doubles back into the realm of enjoyable…occasionally. He disses Tim McCarver, he samples Queen, damn it, he finds a rhyme for “Cincinnati”. If you can find it for under a buck, get it.

2.) MC Hammer – Greatest Hits: Where else can you find U Can’t Touch This, 2 Legit 2 Quit and Let’s Get It Started on the same disc? Yeah, I’ve heard all the shots: he’s bankrupt, he’s fake, he’s a clown. Damned if he couldn’t make a whole dance floor move back in the day, though.

3.) 2Pac – R U Still Down?: This was a very crude compilation of Pac’s early unreleased catalog. It’s almost embarrassing to listen to some of his unpolished work, considering what he evolved into. Still, tracks like Open Fire, Hellrazor and 16 on Death Row make up for their lack of substance with that trademark Pac passion.

4.) Westside Connection – Bow Down: This is basically just 50 minutes of Cube, Mack 10 and WC sh!ttin’ on the east coast at the height of the east-west “feud”. The beats are an odd hybrid of G-Funk residue and a futuristic vibe. Lyrically, it’s some of the worst stuff from all involved. But sometimes, you have to turn your brain off and soak up the hip hop equivalent to empty calories. Cerebral junk food never sounded better…or worse.

5.) No Limit All Stars – Who U Wit: The second I heard Master P mumble over the classic Basketball cover, I had to buy this album. If once isn’t enough, there are no less than three other versions of this song on the same CD! There is actually a decent Snoop Dogg track on here somewhere, but the unintentional comedy (copyright, Bill Simmons) is off the charts on Mia X’s ode to the WNBA. This one’s sure to piss off friends, wives and family.

Oakland A’s Update: If you’re a baseball fan, pick up Moneyball. It’s an excellent look at how the A’s have built a team on the cheap and provides a look at the new-age means of evaluating talent. Our heroes continue their offensive anorexia. The arms can’t throw zeroes every night, y’all, so get it together Chavez…and Tejada…and Long…and Ellis.

This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to Rickey Henderson. Damn it, just retire already! All this begging for work is pathetic.