Welcome back to The Bootleg. I might sound like Tony Gwynn, but I’m straight gangsta like his brother, Chris. Based on the feedback I received throughout this week, I’m guessing that I’ll have even fewer readers than usual for this column. It seems many of y’all are hittin’ up some vacation spots this weekend and thought highly enough of me to rub it in my face. Hell, I even heard from cats who are actually visiting Toronto. You might wanna read last week’s column to get brought up to speed in that debate.
As y’all know, The Bootleg ain’t about wishin’ ill will upon anybody. So, while I’m subjecting myself to watching baseball’s worst team at the Stadium tonight and spending the rest of the weekend performing all those husbandry duties that you single pimps know nothing about (like replacing the cat claw-torn screen in our bedroom window), may all your trips be horrible. Don’t get me wrong. I want y’all to arrive safely and make it home in one piece. In between, I hope Nick goes broke in Vegas and Eddie gets rolled in New York. I hope they’re all outta clam chowder for Geoff in Maine and that a dingo eats something of Eric’s in Australia. I feel betta already. Now, enjoy the goodness.
If We Stuck A Wick In Her Ass, The Flame Might Never Go Out
“Actress”/”Singer”/Dancer (I’ll give her that one) Jennifer Lopez has been immortalized as a wax replica. Last week, her likeness debuted at Madame Tussaud’s wax museum in NYC. Oh, but that’s not the best parts you little perverts. Her statue is part of the “blush collection”. If you whisper in its ear, it actually “blushes”. Is this supposed to make it realistic? If realism is the goal, then let it star in a series of sh!tty movies that inexplicably take in millions at the box office, while releasing one voice altered CD after another and whoring herself in and out of the bedrooms of the entertainment industry’s male population. I’d still do her, though.
Get Rich Or Sue Trying
Eminem is due in court today to address a lawsuit that claims DeAngelo Bailey was defamed in Em’s 1999 song Brain Damage. Bailey believes that his career as a rapper was derailed due to Em’s lyrics in the song. Aiight, let me get this straight. This little biiatch was depicted as a bully in Eminem’s track and that hindered his rap career? Snoop was charged with murder one and still sold five million copies of his debut album. 50 Cent and his crew allegedly jumped Ja Rule and his posse and 50’s on his way to 5x Platinum, too. Bailey’s rap career was finished the second his moms named him after a has-been singer who had to get butt-ass naked in his video to sell his last album.
From The Department of Dirty Old Men
After years of waiting, we now have the same opportunity as all of Britney Spears’ stalkers. We can finally rifle through the contents of her closet and rub her bras, miniskirts and tops all over our bodies! It’s all for charity, of course. The Pop Icon of White Trash everywhere (and we’ve seen your mom, Britney…don’t run from who you is) has donated nearly 200 items of her own personal crap to an online auction at gottahaveit.com. Along with outfits and concert tickets, you can also bid on a week at The Britney Spears Camp For The Performing Arts, where they teach you to wear as little as possible and lip-synch to bubble-gum pop while getting fingered by a flash-in-the-pan boy band member named Justin and a disease-laden rap-rocker named Fred.
This Week’s Sign of the Apocalypse
Our top news stories of the day: Nelly’s been named co-songwriter of the year by the ASCAP Pop Music Awards and parkas are on sale in hell for half off. How does this happen? More importantly, how far has this lowered the bar for any future winners of this “coveted” award? Just because his garbage gets rotation on MTV, BET and in the clubs don’t mean it’s any damn good. Want a sample of his musical genius? “You ain’t Russian/So, bitch, why are you rushin’?” Here’s some more of his St. Louis skillz. Somehow, I doubt he’s gonna unseat the late Jack Buck as the voice of the Arch.
Maybe that Webster Kid Can Bring Him Back to Reality
Here’s one that slipped under our radar. International weirdo, Michael Jackson, was admitted to a hospital in Indianapolis about 10 days ago. He went in for observation and treatment prior to giving a disposition in yet another lawsuit against him. “Observation”, huh? Am I the only one who’s flashing back to that scene in Independence Day where they take the fallen alien to Area 51. Just a buncha slack-jawed doctors try’n to determine what planet he came from while dusting off the anal probing machine. I’m tellin’ ya, when MJ dies, his autopsy will be shown on Fox in prime time right before the 30th season premiere of The Simpsons.
Ja Rule, Fatal Hussein, Eminem and Nick Salemi?!?
I had just heard about the latest pathetic drama from the Ja Rule/Eminem feud, when I received another greasy (i.e. “cogent”) piece of feedback from the King of the East Coast. With apologies to Jay Bower and his rant wars, I’d like to turn it over to The Nick. Let me just say, “My thoughts exactly”.
“How stupid are Fatal’s comments like; “As an Outlaw my comments on this are critical” HAHAHAHAHA. That is now the dumbest, least relevant thing I have heard in my life. The sad thing is the ONLY WAY Ja Rule can get anyone to take his side is to PAY one of 2Pac’s homies to say, “Yo, that ain’t right, he’s tryin to eat off Pac”. Excuse me Miss, but Mr. “Fatal” couldn’t sell his own record if he held people up at gunpoint. Is he accusing 50 cent of trying to eat off Pac? Who the f*&^ are you kidding? HOW ABOUT YOUR NO-TALENT ASS? You’ve made a (bad) career eating off of Pac. Not to mention 50 released it on a mixtape that he makes no money off. If anyone is demeaning Pac’s legacy it’s that Still I Rise Outlawz album. No one else in the world can name or point out which Outlaw was which by picture or audio.”
Celebrity Justice
The hardest workin’ man in show business (no, not Nate Dogg) has been pardoned for his past crimes. James Brown got the word from the South Carolina Dept. of Probation, Parole & Pardon Services last week. About five years ago, the pompadoured old fart flashed a shotgun at a seminar in Georgia, and then led cops on a high-speed pursuit. The Godfather believes this pardon will show the youth “that America is a beautiful country”. Yes it is, James…as long as you’re rich, famous or Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox, then you can get away with everything from illegal firearms possession to beatin’ the hell outta your wife.
Just Another Day At The Office
Unknown assailants shot up the West Los Angeles offices of Death Row Records earlier this week. In a prepared (and obviously ghost-written) statement, CEO Marion “Suge” Knight laughed off the bullets and attributed the gunplay to those who are “jealous” of the work and status of his stable of artists. Never mind that no one outside of Power 106 FM’s signal even knows that Death Row is still operating. Never mind that this is a company that still considers the cremated carcass of Tupac Shakur to still be on their “roster”. Never mind that acts like Crooked I, Kurupt, Eastwood and Spider have never drawn a dime for any record label with a solo release. No one’s jealous of nobodies, Marion. And all those publicity shots of you and those unlit cigars in your mouth make me wanna believe those rumors about you and Danny Boy.
Y’all Really Didn’t Hafta Go That Far For A Bean Pie
Well, I hope you’re happy, America. You’ve gone and chased off the first family of R&B. The Bootleg’s favorite line-dusters, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are currently in Israel. Whitney claims to be lookin’ for inspiration for her forthcoming Christmas LP. Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture? The Browns are kickin’ it with The Black Hebrews, who are a group of African-Americans who think they are the descendants of a lost tribe of Israelites. It sounds like Whitney (“I don’t do crack.”) and Bobby (“I’ve never done cocaine, but I have done drugs similar to cocaine”) should fit riiiiiiight in.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
We’re just three and a half short months away from the debut of Romeo! on Nickelodeon. Yes, the network that gave us You Can’t Do That On Television and Keenan & Kel is bringing the talentless Master P and his bitch-ass kid Lil’ Romeo to basic cable in a new sitcom. My fave part of this story is this quote from the network’s (soon-to-be-former) VP of production:
“We knew Master P and Lil’ Romeo were extraordinary musical talents, but we’ve tapped into their comedic skills as well.”
That might be the funniest thang we hear all year. Has Nickelodeon ever heard one of P’s joints? Someone please send them a copy of Hooty Hoo, Ooowee or Make ‘Em Say Uhh. These aren’t song titles, they’re what you say when you walk into a bathroom that someone stank up. And Lil’ Romeo, Lil’ Bow Wow and all the rest of them kiddie rappers need to wait till their nuts drop and their voices change before they try’n play in this game. These guys are definitely comedy…but, we’re laughin’ at’cha P, not wit’cha.
General Haberdashery
Sean Paul proves that not everyone smells what he’s cookin’.
The Hot Boyz are the complete and uncut embodiment of the opposite of goodness.
Junk Mail
Last week, I made a passin’ reference to Jeff Jarrett’s 1995 “album” Ain’t I Great. As of this writing, I’ve received eleven letters like this one from a cat who shall remain nameless:
“I thought Double J’s album was joke? Did it really come out? I know he sang with Sawyer Brown a few years ago on the PPV. If you have it, can I buy a copy from you?
See what happens when we start lettin’ in Scaia’s readers? Eleven. The mind wobbles.
Thanks, as always, to all y’all for keepin’ the feedback comin’. I’ve been called everything from “one of the best writers on the net” to “you have no credibility”. I figger if you take the time to write a brutha, then it’s all to tha good, whether you likes me or not. That said, I gotta give it up for the handful of readers who’ve been there from the very first Bootlegs (and if you think my writing sucks now…).
Now, I could either share with y’all the story of m’man Nick who is allegedly owed money from porn-star Ron Jeremy over an un-credited cock-shot (trust me, kids…you don’t want details). Or I could share the always-insightful queries from the Don of VA, Phil Watts (edited for space).
What CDs do you like that everyone else hates and vice versa?
Sweet. Not only is this a good question, but it’s sure to fill up my in-box with more hate mail! It’s win/win, dawg. Let’s see…what albums did the public sh!t on and I couldn’t get enough of? An obvious choice would be Jay-Z’s Blueprint 2. I’m still gett’in flamemail for that one, but I stand by it. I loved Kurupt’s last album, Space Odyssey:Smoke Boogie. The cartoony choice for the first single (It’s Over Now) killed it with fans, though.
If you ask anyone what was 2Pac’s worst posthumous album, most will say Still I Rise. As long as we’re jus’ talkin’ about Pac’s verses, I thought it was tight. Yeah, a lot of the played out disses to the Bad Boy camp were edited out, but who cares? It was nice to hear some Death Row 2Pac material that ain’t about killin’ Biggie Smalls. Finally, I thought Xzibit’s Restless LP was easily his best album, but his fans called it soft and accused X of sellin’ out.
OK, that was fun. Now, what are some albums that the world creams over, but I don’t see it? This one’s a lil’ tougher. I mean there are cats like Nelly and Ja Rule who somehow sell millions, yet most true rap fans don’t take ’em all that seriously. So I’mma change up the question to reflect albums that ain’t nearly as great as they’re made out to be. In no particular order:
Get Rich or Die Trying – One of my readers put it best: “50 is a good lyricist, but you wouldn’t know it from listening to this”. It’s a solid effort, but y’all who were cryin’ about his 4 mic review in The Source should suck up them tears. This ain’t a great album.
All Eyez on Me – Personally, I thought both Makaveli and Me Against the World were better 2Pac albums. Contrary to what Pac’s cult would have you believe, every cut on here is not a classic (What’s Your Phone # and Checkout Time, por ejemplo). Plus, as the evil Mr. Salemi points out: the two best tracks from this studio session (the original California Love and Hit ‘Em Up) ain’t even on here. It’s a very good album, but not Pac’s best.
Dr. Dre: 2001 – I had high hopes for this album and was really feelin’ the ghost-written first single Still D.R.E.. After picking it up, I was really let down. This is another album that ain’t really bad, but it’s also not the hip hop work of art that some of y’all think it is. The beats ain’t all that progressive, there are too many skits and the talent assembled (Hittman, Time Bomb and Six-Two) coulda been better.
These choices were pretty much off the top of my big azz head. As always, your inputs and feedback are what keep this column going. Well, those and the big fat cheques from Widro.
Oakland A’s Update: I sincerely hope John Halama’s latest meltdown ends his horrific eight weeks in the rotation. Aaron Harang shoulda been the #5 starter from the get-go. Jermaine Dye returns from the DL this weekend, which should spell the end of Ron Gant’s major league career (and not a groundout to second base too soon) as well as Terrence Long’s overdue demotion to the bench.
This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to the Los Angeles Lakers. Never before have I enjoyed watching 12 grown men cry like a buncha little girls. Enjoy the offseason, Nancies.
