Junk News Huzzah! 05.29.03 (fixed)


The borg is my favorite because they assimilate people. I’d love to be assimilated. I bet when you’re assimilated and it doesn’t matter what you look like because you’re all one, you get to have sex with yourself instead of masturbating! That’s the life for me!
-Eric S, probably never. These are building up to something.

Hey gang. First thing’s first. Big thanks to Widro for printing the corrected version, and let’s all hate PK forever for breaking my column. You suck PK!

a love song to Triple H. I’m shocked that the burly Texan has so openly come out of the closet and admitted his hey wait a second IS NOTHING SACRED?! NoSoul, on behalf of enraged fans who expect the 411mania newsboard to provide them with wrestling news, you’ve ruined my life. Go to hell and stay there, NoSoul, or as I like to call you, Guy With No Soul Cause He’s A Vampire.

Congrats to HHH for winning the 411mania Most Hated Poll for two straight weeks! Still, one has to wonder why Triple H is consistently #1 and Chris Benoit isn’t even on the list. Sounds like more politics to me!

Brad Jennette, who has a girly last name, attended the Smackdown tapings. After showing his press credentials from 411mania.com, Brad was able to secure an interview with some annoying kid with a sign who sat 3 rows in front of him and prevented him from seeing most of the show cause the kid kept holding up the sign, even when he wasn’t on tv. I have the interview right here.

Brad Jennette: Hey, kid! Put down your sign!

Kid: I love Mr. America! Yeah! USA!

Brad: Kid, come on!

Kid: USA! USA! Hogan! WOOHOO!

Brad: Jesus, kid! Really, I want to watch the f*cking show!

Father: Did you just curse at my son?

Kid: Hogan rules!

Brad: Look, sir, could you keep your son from holding up his sign except when the cameras are on him?

Father: Do you ever watch wrestling? Everyone holds up signs!

Brad: I know, but only when the camera is on them because



Father: That’s it! Come on down here fat boy! I’m going to rip you a new asshole!

Brad: I can’t!

Father: Big talker but can’t back it up, huh? Why not?

Brad: Because I never learned to walk.

At this point the father turned away in disgust and Brad began to weep. The kid never put the sign down, and in fact Brad’s girlfriend left him for the kid with the sign. It was perhaps the worst night in Brad’s entire 62 years on this planet. Kudos to Brad for being strong enough to share all of this with me, and good luck to him.

Time to ruin Smackdown.

Sable is the ring announcer for the Torrie/Nidia match which opens Smackdown. All three women have lesbian sex after the match in keeping with the lesbian angle.

Team Angle fight the tag team champion team of Tajiri and Eddie after Tajeddie admit to stealing a car. Those filthy, thieving Japanese. I just can’t believe that Eddie Guerroro, who comes from a culture with a rich tradition of educational superiority, can be dragged into this life of crime.

Lots of lie detector promos and handicapped promos building up to the big Mr. America lie detector test. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but Hogan fails the test and is unmasked and then executed in the middle of the ring. He was 25.

Sean O’Haire fights Chris Benoit as Benoit continues to move down the totem pole in preparation for his big push, which is coming up very never.

The Basham Brothers fight Rikishi and Spanky in what is being called a match that no one, not even the participants in the match, cares about.

Vince McMahon discovers the perils of parking in a handicapped spot when he discovers a 50 dollar fine ticket on his windshield. This would be a cute site gag if this segment didn’t run for 30 minutes.

The FBI takes on Undertaker and Brock Lesnar in a 3 on 2 handicapped match. I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but there will be a BIG end to this BIG SHOW when the BIG SHOW chokeslams BROCK LESNAR to get the win. Heheheheh. I’m so vague.


Tom Livingston still believes. Oh, to be young and idealistic again.

Me and Daniels and PK argue. Since Eric S already ruined the surprise, let me just say that it will be an honor to include him in our debate. He has never before given me his AIM address and sometimes treats me like I’m not important. I’m just some kid to him, some immature shit who makes bad jokes. I doubt he ever read a wrestling tale and I doubt he even has a shred of respect for me. While I don’t really believe most of what I just typed, I like PK and in Grut vs. Daniels vs. PK I made numerous references to sleeping with his wife and him being my bitch. I kind of want to be in the right frame of mind when I meet Eric.

Still, I enjoy Eric S’ articles and promise not to not make any jokes about him being a social misfit, a trekkie, or an Iowan who for some reason dreamed about writing the greatest wrestling book ever. Eric, just tell me and Daniels the time and place. I am SO looking forward to finally talking to you.

Well, that’s the news. You’ve been either great or bored or something else. I don’t know. I can’t see you.