The Friday Music News Bootleg 06.06.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m like that warm can of Keystone Light your boys convince you to pound after a night of drunken debauchery in Tijuana. Y’all know I’mma be real wit’cha, right? I gotta say…it’s been one helluva slow news week. A new Lil’ Bow Wow album? Ruben Stoddard comments on Luther Vandross comparisons? Another ancient rock act reaches number one on the charts? Yawn. This is one of those rare weeks where I hafta lean on my wit and humor to fill in the news gaps. And my longtime readers know that wit n’ humor are always late to my column.

What’s up for the weekend, you ask? Well, my boy (and former best man at my weddin’) is comin’ down tonight from Oaktown. Thankfully, the good people at Ghetto Southwest Airlines ain’t hurtin’ his wallet too much, so we can get our drink on tonight at Seau’s. He’s actually one of the last remaining Padre fans in the free world, so it’s off to the Stadium for another exciting game of “How Much Will The Padres Lose By?” on Saturday. In between, there’ll be plenty o’ drinkin’ and hittin’ on hot chicks I’m can’t get with (it’s that “wife in the same zip code” rule).

It’s time for the goodness…

Beef, Butterbean and Battle Rap

Why do 50,000 hip hop heads gather in an open-air stadium…in a steady rain…on a school night? Well, it is New Jersey and what the hell else are they gonna do…appreciate the scenic views of their lil’ cesspool of a state? Of course not…they all came together for the annual Hot 97 Summer Jam. Of course, we’ll ignore the fact that it’s still spring. Personally, I have a hard time believin’ all y’all showed up for Nelly and Sean Paul. I hear some under-publicized acts like Eminem, 50 Cent, Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Kim and Nas were there, too.

The never-ever-ending feud between 50 and Ja Rule continued as Mr. Cent spent a portion of his set clownin’ Ja Rule’s corny-ass Mesmerize video with Ashanti. Later, Slim Shady and his protégé Obie Trice furthered their beef with Source magazine by smashing a coveted (heh) Source award to floor of the stage. Y’know…ever since Pac & Biggie died, all of these rap feuds have pretty much sucked ass. They’re all as one sided as a Butterbean/Bart Gunn match and just as much fun to watch. Well…that was kinda fun, I’ll admit. I think Gunn’s head just landed.

If You Start Datin’ Bruthas Again…Please, Don’t Call Me

Driving Under the Influence is a very serious crime. The Bootleg believes that if you’re gonna drink…do it until you pass out, that way you’re off the streets and only a menace to yourself (and your friend’s couch). This is the reason that we’ve avoided the whole Diana Ross dust-up. A few months ago, she was pissin’ off M.A.D.D., now she’s incurred the wrath of P.E.T.A. Ms. Ross appeared at a fur show in NYC this week and toed the catwalk in a sable coat. That would be the “fur” kind, not the “55-year-old WWE diva” kind. A spokesperson for the animal-rights group said, “We opted not to protest as she probably won’t even be able to walk a straight line down the runway”. Don’t you hate it when a liberal organization of any kind gets the best laugh of the week?

He’s the Hip Hop A-Rod…Except I Think He Likes Girls

He is arguably the most consistent and successful commercial rapper of all time. Now, if only he had a record deal. LL Cool J is a free agent after his contract with Def Jam Records expired earlier this year. All those steroids nutritional supplements have obviously shrunk more than this nuts, as the lip-lickin’ icon is askin’ for $20 million for his next deal. Let me holla at’cha for a second, Todd. I ain’t hatin’. Hell, I even liked your last album. It’s just that them days of you on MTV gett’in oiled up from them video hoes half your age will be endin’ sooner than you think. There are only a few more years left until you become that pot-bellied cat at the bar named Otis, tryin’ to bring a lil’ sunshine into Shante’s life.

Harrison Ford He’s Not

Pop Quiz: You’re on the run from the law and you’ve managed to elude five-o for nearly six months. Where is the one place a brutha can be sure to maintain a low profile? If you guessed “on stage at a concert in Las Vegas”, you’re either one dumb-azz mutha or west coast rapper Ras Kass. Las Vegas Metro nabbed the underground MC after a performance in sin city. It’s clear we have a new winner in our Stupidest Low-To-Mid-Level Celebrity Criminal Division. Ras Kass just supplanted former Carolina Panther Rae Carruth who orchestrated the murder of his girlfriend, then got caught hiding in the trunk of his car, which was parked at a hotel in Nashville.

Now I Know How White Folk Feel About Tupac

OK, when did Elvis die? ’77…’78? How can this corpse still be crankin’ out albums? A brand-new four(!) disc set from (and this always kills me) “The King” should be out on July 1. Elvis: Close Up will have nearly 100 tracks and spans the career of the tubby Tennessean. From his humble beginnings as Forrest Gump’s inspiration on The Ed Sullivan Show to his 300 pounds of sweat, lard and fried banana sammiches at the very greasy end…this set should have it all. Just remember…his creepy lil’ kid Lisa Marie controls the estate, so every Elvis CD you buy directly funds her please-god-make-it-stop musical career.

Let’s Stop All This Fussin’ and A’Feudin’

Out-of-work actor Ving Rhames (c’mon, none of y’all think those awful Radio Shack commercials with Rick Fox’s wife count, right?) has cleared his schedule and will narrate a new documentary called Beef. Hello, ladies! Whoops, it’s not that kind of movie, apparently. This Beef will cover the “classic hip hop battles and feuds”. The line-up includes 50 Cent vs. Ja Rule, Jay-Z vs. Nas, KRS-One vs. Nelly, Common vs. Westside Connection and, of course, Pac vs. Biggie. Curiously, the press release didn’t feature hip hop’s #1 shit-stirrer, Marshall Mathers. Hey, by the way, I thought it was Cypress Hill that feuded with Westside Connection (“…and B-Real soundin’ like he got baby nuts…”). I told Ving that the sodomy scene in Pulp Fiction would kill his career, just ask Ned Beatty. Squeal, piggy!

Sh-Sh-Sh-Shoe Unit!

Reebok may have lost out on the LeBron James Sweepstakes, but they might have signed up someone with even more street cred with the lil’ bastards who’ll pay $150 for shoes, but still share a bus pass with their little brothers. 50 Cent and Reebok have come to terms on the (sigh) G-Unit Line of footwear. We can all blame Jay-Z for the starting this miserable hip hop shoe trend. He signed his deal with Nike’s inferior competitor a few months ago. Personally, I haven’t owned a pair of Reeboks since “The Pump” first came out in 1990. In an odd coincidence, I got rid of those shoes about four years after the fad had died out…just weeks before I shaved off the flat-top.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Percy Miller makes consecutive cameos in The Bootleg’s newest column feature. Last week, y’all joined me in mocking his sitcom aspirations, this week I hope you’ll ride wit’ me as we bust on his ongoing hoop delusion. Master P has apparently been workin’ out with the NBA’s Denver Nuggets in hopes of joining the legendary Marcus Camby and Juwan Howard. The Nuggets will soon learn what everyone from Eric Bischoff to Miramax Films has learned all too well. P appeals to a very, very narrow market of rap music fans. These are the people that find Project Pat too sophisticated. Signing P as a 12th man/gate attraction (in that hotbed of hip hop…Denver) is destined to fail. Trust me, I saw P out here for an independent team in San Diego. Unless he’s runnin’ in a high school gym in Tupelo, Mississippi or Nachitoches, Louisiana, he won’t bring five people through the turnstiles.

General Haberdashery

The trash bag pants and fisheye lens are a thang of the past.

Skippa & Gail Gotti make me long for the days of O.F.T.B.

Junk Mail

I’ve always said that the best part of this gig is the feedback from you pimps out there. Well, this past week was easily my most memorable. Who knew that one review could light a fire under an entire fanbase? Well, in the interest of equal time and a desire to fill out all this empty space, here are two representative letters from the great Hot Boyz Debate. One is fairly articulate and respectful of my differing opinion. The other is gett’in framed and goin’ in my office, as it’s the best critique of my work ever.

Drew C. writes:

I just read your review of the Hot Boyz album ‘Let ‘Em Burn’ and I must say that I am dumbfounded. How you could give it a 0.0 is beyond me. You may not be a fan of the Hot Boyz, but it is quite obvious that you let your bias’s affect your review of this album. This album is one of their best releases. No one ever said (especially them) that their music was educational or inspirational. The beats are some of the best that Cash Money’s own Mannie Fresh has put together. If you are not a fan of Cash Money, then why bother even reviewing their albums? Any fan could tell you this album is not bad, let alone a 0 out of 10.

My quick responses: One, everyone felt I neglected to mention the quality of the beats. Sorry, y’all, but if you’ve heard one Mannie Fresh Casio Special, you’ve heard ’em all. Two, doesn’t anyone think it’s a jus’ a lil’ hypocritical to call me biased, then suggest that a fan of The Hot Boys should be doin’ the review?

Next up, the esteemed Mr. JayD OG Keep It Real (yeah, that’s his user name) steps to the virtual mic:

Hey Muthaf*cker. I’ma big ass Cash Money Fan and I know more about hip hop music then u do and that album is a classic. Why da f*ck did u give it a zero out zero. U didn’t even mention any of the good tracks like Introduction, Do What’Cha Do, Off With Ur Head or any of that shit. U just criticized the whole f*ckin album like a f*ckin Scott Keith Raw Rant. U do not know what U are talking about. U are a disgrace 2 grade hip hop albums. I hope Ashish fires U. And I don’t like what U said about my people at the beginning of ur lil album introduction. Next time ur ass comes down 2 New Orleans Magnolia Projects I’mma have a T-Shirt waitin on yo f*ckin picture for dat shit son.

Aiight, I did do some editing as the fifty exclamation points after each sentence was a little tired. Plus, the parts where he hopes Ashish will fire me (he even copied him on the email) were misguided since everyone knows that Wids Doggy Dogg runs the music zone. And really, how many times can I be told to burn in hell?

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing: the Scott Keith reference or the line about the T-Shirt “waitin’ on my picture”. What language is that…Creole? Don’t worry, dawg…you ain’t ever gonna find my black ass within three area codes of the Magnolia Projects. Any place where kids wanna grow up to be like the Cash Money Crew or the afternoon manager at Popeye’s ain’t for me. But, if you do make T-Shirts, I want them all to say “best vacation ever”!

There were a few of y’all who heard what I heard. Jeff P. is proof of that.

Dude, I agree wholeheartedly with your review. The Hot Boyz at their best are pretty much worthless, and this album (which I’ve had the misfortune of hearing once) is an insult to dreck everywhere.

M’dawg, Dondo, writes in to let me know that I slipped up on one point from last week’s junk mail debate. He’s right, so he gets printed.

And the (Eddie Griffin) skits on (Dr. Dre’s) 2001 were funny too, with such gems as this: “What happened to fallin’ in love with a n—a with a bus pass”

And don’t forget…the biggest pimp on planet muthaf#kkin’ earth…is her momma.

Finally, The King of LA, Da’Ron, returns with the final nail in the coffin of the purple and gold:

I’m from L.A and I cried too. Tears of joy that those whiny bitches are out the playoffs. Oh man at least you’re in San Diego; I had to deal with 3 years of bandwagon riders, t-shirt sporting, and Laker car flags. Now everyone has that tired-ass “they’ll be back” line.

Unfortunately, we don’t get much of a reprieve from Laker myopia down here. It’s funny, all the media and all the leathery-skinned sun worshipers down here in SD will tell you how much they hate LA, but the Lakers are seemingly exempt from the whining about the smog, traffic and silicone that run rampant up there. The Lakers are done. Let’s see how many of you bandwagoners are still wearing your #34 jersey when they win 40 games next year.

Oakland A’s Update: Will someone explain to me why there ain’t a shred of accountability in this organization? If I see Tejada fail to leg out another groundball or Long stumble around in the outfield or Dye ground out weakly to shortstop just one more time…Seattle is flashin’ back to their 2001 performance and the A’s can only wave b’bye. They need two of three in Illy Philly cuz they got the Braves and Expos next week.

This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to Sammy Sosa. One stupid decision ain’t gonna tarnish your legacy, dawg, no matter how many ill-informed fans or hype-whoring media clowns think otherwise.