Junk News Huzzah! 06.05.03

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All of my readers are idiots and I wish they would get into a line so I could kill them all with one bullet.
-Take a guess. FACE ME, COWARD!

No play plug. Let’s get right into it.

GO SEE RING OF HONOR!

Three new video releases, including Night of Champions, Expect the Unexpected and the All-Star Extravaganza DVD from Philly have been released by Ring of Honor. Everyone should own at least one Ring of Honor tape. You buy one, you’ll want to buy more. You can order at RFVideo.com or by calling 215-891-9404.

Blading

WWE Smackdown May 28, 2002, future pro wrestlers, Dan-O-Matic and Sarah Blade, sat in the second level of the Saddledome in Calgary, Canada. They had no idea that this day would be the beginning of the rest of their lives, and furthermore, where they got their start to WWE fame.
Rewind back to now, and this is what I want to be reading in wrestling magazines in 20 years. Well, I hope so at least.
My friend Dan and I went to Smackdown last year, with another friend of ours. We watched the show (great show, had the Edge/Angle steel cage match where Edge hurt his shoulder. Okay, so I’m Edge’s biggest fan, it could be worse) and we were talking to the people around us. The people behind us ran a wrestling school, and they gave us some info. We got a pamphlet with one week free training.
The next week, Dan and I went to go check out the training. We were shown around the building, and then we were finally taken down to the basement, where the ring was.
Upon arrival, both Dan and I were in awe. The ring looked so big from standing on the ground. The next day we got into the ring.
Bumping is my favorite thing to do. That is of the first things that I learned in the ring. Every time I get into the ring, my wrestling coach mentions something about Foley. I think to be compared with my idol, is the biggest compliment in the world.
I injured my neck about 3 months ago, and couldn’t wrestle for about 6 weeks. The doctor told me I was able to get back in when he looked at my x-rays. I got back in the ring and felt that all of my wrestling was not up to par in comparison to where I was at before. I was really down with my wrestling skills, and was even on the verge of giving up. Then my wrestling school shut down for about a month.
I went to the doctor last week, and was told the reason for my in-ring performance was cause my doctor was an idiot, and told me I was able to go back before I should have. He explained that the reason why he hadn’t seen it in the x-rays was because it was nerve damage around my spine.
I get back in the ring for the first time in a while this weekend. I hope my neck is better. I hope things are better then the last time I was in the ring. I will make sure to update everyone next week on how it went.
If you didn’t see, my article last week was sent in late, so it wasn’t added in until the day after Grutman’s regular day. Check it out!
You can contact Sarah Blade at bladehwc@yahoo.com

Junk News! Huzzah!

Mick Foley is rumored to be the special guest ref for the HHH-Kevin Nash Hell in a Cell match. Mick has always been a huge Kevin Nash fan and said he’d do anything to be in the ring with the master of the bump one more time.

Mick Foley is rumored to be the special guest ref for the HHH-Kevin Nash Hell in a Cell match. I think the Big Bossman would be more appropriate.

Okay, that last one was really funny! Jerks.

The WWE plans on having a Kurt Angle-Brock Lesnar main event at the next Smackdown only PPV. What, you’re just going to let Sable’s big push die? This is my problem with the WWE. They bring someone back, they spend a segment every week pushing that person, and then they just forget about them. Sable should be the undefeated World Champion right now and you know it!

Undertaker has gone from having 40% to having between 85-90% mobility in his left arm thanks to surgery. That’s about a 50% increase! I had a surgery that increased a part of my body 50%. That’s right, I got breast implants.

It is common for older wrestlers to have trouble straightening their arms. Pat Patterson still can’t do anything straight.

The recent WWA Australian tour was said to be an enjoyable experience for all, except the fans.

Chavo was backstage at Smackdown due to the offer of free food. Something you may want to know about Chavo, he’ll never turn down a free anything. The man is a grub.

Edge put out another in his string of disturbing and soul crushing columns on WWE.com. In this column, Edge spoke about the time he experimented with Kurt Angle. Kurt called Edge in the middle of the night to come to his hotel room. “I threw on some clothes and knocked on his door. When I opened the door [Kurt Angle] was butt naked.” By the time they were done, “I noticed there was blood all over the room and a nasty gash in Kurt’s arm.” Since then, whenever Edge sees two people in love, “I still can’t get the vision of that bottom lip hanging, naked, fumbling, stumbling Kurt out of my head.” Edge, you are the sickest human being ever.

Speaking of Kurt Angle, the plan is to have him return as a face. The proposed angle (heh) is to have him return as an invalid constantly picked on by Vince McMahon. Mr. America will take pity on gimpy Kurt and add Kurt to his stable of disabled fans. Mr. America will win Kurt Angle a place back in the WWE after winning a thumb wrestling contest with a recently turned Rikishi. Now THAT’S booking.

“Classy” Freddie Blassie has died. We here at 411mania are saddened by his passing, but also a little disgusted. How many superstars have to die before someone in the business realizes that major changes must be made to preserve the health of these gladiators?

Sean Waltman has had many personal problems since his relationship with Chyna, Joanie Lauer, ended. Sean’s only comfort was to return to the sewer to continue the training of his giant surfer karate fighting turtles. (Sean looks a like a rat.)

The WWE Raw rating increased up to a 3.9 from a 3.7 last week. See, everyone watched because after 3 straight weeks of MTV (Mack Television) they expected to see Rodney sometime during the night. They sat through all of the other crap expecting to get their MM (Mack Moment) that never came. Watch for the rating to plummet next week after this betrayal.

Time to spoil Smackdown. Run away if you’re not interested.

We begin with Piper’s Pit and the continuation of the Tenacious Z story. Next week Zach has to beat Vince in an arm wrestling contest to get a contract. If Zach loses, he gets to have sex with Nidia. Why should Zach be different then anyone else in the dressing room?

Undertaker fights Chuck Palumbo. Taker apparently does a leap frog and stops dying his hair. That should shut up the critics! Riiiiight.

Matt and Rey are both shown preparing for their incredibly important cruiserweight title match? Okay. Whatever.

The Basham Brothers continue to befuddle the experts by appearing on television and fighting Eddie and Tajiri. Sometimes you just gotta wonder how the WWE is doing so badly with teams named The Basham Brothers. It makes me think of fighting! I like fighting!

Kurt Angle returns and talks for like 5 hours. Damn, SHUT UP!

John Cena fights Chris Benoit. Benoit, who has been losing a lot lately, finally stops the losing streak by continuing to lose. Wait. That’s continues the losing streak. My apologies.

Torrie and Kish fight Noble and Nidia. After the match Sable comes out and has rough lesbian sex with Nidia and Torrie or something.

Matt fights Rey for the Cruiserweight title. It’s really exciting to see the cruiserweights in the main event, but not very exciting to see a man making love to skunk. I’ve been watching that for the last 15 minutes, and I’m actually beginning to wonder why Daniels invited me to his home at all.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Sorry I was late, but I think you guys lived. Look out for the mighty Ashashashish or Pankonin or someone. Who does the Friday updates?