Only the folks at Disney could put out a movie about fish and have too many humans in it. – The Only Man More Liberal Than I Am, Zach Singer
Uh,oh. I actually have not Thing One to act as a lead-in to this column. The well’s dry right now. Nothing even remotely inspiring. Okay, maybe the WWE Poll that Hewitt referred to in his Insta-Update, but my answer would be “None Of The Above”. Yeah, that sure as hell puts me in the mood. Let’s just go for it.
THE PIMP SECTION
The Chris Half Of Los Bros Biscuiti makes a triumphant return. In response:
Soda: I’ll go with Tab as well. The weirdest-tasting diet cola ever produced, yet somehow addictive as crack. Diet Pepsi doesn’t cut it.
Guilty Pleasure: No pleasure is guilty, although ABBA was that way for a while. And speaking of disco…
Don’t get pedantic. The examples you cite of disco’s sins are, in effect, disguised cool. Andrea True was a porn star when she recorded “More, More, More”, Lipps Inc. had an influence on another artist from Minneapolis named Prince, and Martha Wash of the Weather Girls was an important figure in early Nineties dance music. Also, the Weather Girls were featured on Real People when they were still called Two Tons Of Fun, and if that doesn’t define so-low-on-the-pop-culture-scale-it’s-cool, what does?
As for Rubik’s Cube, try this.
LIKE I’M GOING TO LET THIS ONE GO BY
Back in the day, people knew the difference between a fop and a homosexual. As I implied, though, there is one way to get away with this and actually turn Rico face at the same time: Hook him up with Novocaine Helms and have him do a Scarlet Pimpernel act. Play the fop in public, but get him under a mask and have him whip ass in the ring as Helms’ sidekick, totally delusional to the fact that everyone knows his “secret identity”. Of course, it goes back to the fact that the Pimpernel disguised himself as a fop in order to distract people from his secret identity, and people used to know the difference, blah blah blah, and you end up with GLAAD on your ass again because they don’t know the difference either. – Yr Humble Scrivener, May 21st, 2003
I’ve been reading the ongoing speculation in your column about how the WWE could give Rico a dangerous fop gimmick and I have thought of a potential solution. As we both know the WWE creative team has as much skill in coming with new and exciting storylines as a pet rock. Fortunately, in this case they won’t have to.
Let’s go back to Memphis in the mid 80’s. Memphis should be famous for two things in wrestling… they had great ongoing storylines (Lawler, Dundee and Jarret did an awesome job back in the day) and it was a “tough” promotion. Meaning that the fans loved to see wild brawls and lots of blood.
Enter a debuting wrestler from England by the name of Exotic Adrian Street. Street was built like a bulldog and had a face to match. Short, stocky and as mean looking as a snake. Ahem. He also wore lots of mascara, had his hair pulled into two fluffy ponytails and he liked to blow kisses to his opponents and the audience.
Street comes to the ring for the TV taping (in the dear departed TV 5 studio) doing his whole gimmick. His opponent is one of the legion of nameless jobbers that the promotion kept on retainer. The announcers are already laughing about his less then masculine attire. But the best was yet to come.
The bell rings and Street starts skipping around the ring. No shit. Skipping like a little girl. The announcers are laughing. The fans are laughing. Hell his opponent is even laughing. After skipping a circle around his foe they lockup.
And then Street beats the living dogshit out of him. Simply put it was one of the most one sided and vicious ass whippings I have ever seen in the ring. He stretched him on the mat. He punched him in the nose. He was beating the guy up so bad you could hear the ohs coming from the mostly dead silent crowd. The entire time he is doing this he has a snarl of complete and utter hatred on his face. The sort of look that would make Chris Benoit break down and cry. Then, after torturing the guy for several minutes, he finally puts him away.
Bang, instant star. Street went on to main event throughout the territory making money left and right. He duplicated this run in the Mid South (with Bill Watts). He did it in Alabama as the local promotion champ. Hell he even managed to have a great feud in Florida with Dusty Rhodes of all people!
So if the WWE wants to run the dangerous fop angle for Rico there is the blow print. If Street had been bigger then 210 or so pounds he’d have been just as huge in the big leagues as he was down south. Can Rico pull it off? Well that remains to be seen. He can pull off the gay routine just fine… if he can add the crazed pitbull out to cripple his opponent after the bell rings then I’d bet you any sum of money you care to think of that his character would be a big upper midcard success. – Sullislug’s letter to me, May 28th, 2003
SulliSlug doesn’t normally belong in with the semi-regulars, but he deserves honorary status in this column and big, big, BIG props for saying that my Fop Rico idea already has an incredible blueprint wrestling-wise: Adrian Street. Now, not having had exposure to 80s Memphis, my thoughts on Rico would not have meshed with what I’ve read about Street as a reflex reaction. But thank you for seeing it, and thanks for liking the idea. – My allusion to Sullislug’s letter above, May 28th, 2003
Rico will be changing his character over the next few weeks. His new character will be a modern day version of the Exotic Adrian Street character. Jackie Gayda will play his version of Miss Linda. Rico actually met with the original Adrian Street and discussed the character with him. – 1bullshit via Ashish, June 10th, 2003
Memo to The Bitch of the Baskervilles and Brian Gewirtz: Sullislug, Widro, Ashish, and I expect a royalty agreement for use of an idea expressed in a copyrighted column. Acknowledgement isn’t enough, because we all know you read me (this is just one of many proofs of said proposition). We want money. If none is forthcoming, you’d better get the lawyers on the horn.
READING BETWEEN THE LINES
So, Goldberg had Raw rewritten a bit to shore up his feud with Jericho? And the boys backstage approve of it?
Who slipped what into the water back there? Is this the same WWE locker room that’s had a mad-on for Goldberg since he showed up? The locker room that gave us the attitude that Jericho was able to use to give a nice work-shoot sheen to the feud? One must shake one’s head at this little development.
Obviously, since this is coming from 1bullshit, we’re inclined to take this as being a complete lie. Why would everyone who’s had a hard-on for Goldberg suddenly start worrying whether or not he looks like a pussy vis-a-vis Jericho? You would think those people would welcome this development and curse Goldie for fiddling with things. Unless they know something that we don’t. That something has to be long-term plans for Goldberg (assuming that WWE has long-term plans for anything these days).
Think about it, you purblind idiots. If it was just an issue of creating more interest in a third-from-the-top match on a PPV (maybe even fourth-from-the-top if you consider Booker/Christian), there would be a lot of grumbling about how Goldberg, yet again, is pushing his weight around. But something’s different. This is NOT about Sunday’s match. Sunday’s match is irrelevant. This is about what starts happening on Monday.
What if the game plan is this: Trip and Goldie both go over on Sunday. They’re set on a collision course for two months from now in order to sell the next Raw-only PPV. Obviously, Trip can’t have his future opponent coming into a feud looking weak…okay, he can, and he has, numerous times. But this is Goldberg he’s f*cking with, not Van Dam, Kane, or Booker. Even he’s aware of audience expectations regarding that. If it’s made aware backstage that the company’s banking on Trip/Goldie to get it over (and follow it up with Austin/Goldie in four months), it would silence a lot of grumbling from workers who are actually concerned with the health of the company as a whole. Goldberg’s rewriting insistence would actually look good to them in that light, since he’s making a move to protect the company’s future rather than just being a self-aggrandizing buffoon.
And if the cease-grumbling wave wasn’t self-induced by the workers, you can sure as hell bet that Trip would have initiated it. He’s got everything to gain from a feud with a strong Goldberg, or everything to regain, like his mark credibility. They know the deal. If Trip gives the high sign on something, it’s coming from Vince. Bitching and moaning about this will do no good, so why bother?
Just something to think about.
SMACKDOWN SOMEWHAT SPOILED
Okay, Rey-Rey/Matt rematch at the top. I’ll bite. At least for ten minutes.
Good News: the US Title is returning. Bad News: Billy Gunn is already back. Worse News: Gunn not only wrestles Albert, he’s also getting a program with Wilson, The Ten-Buck Slut.
So, we’ve got Jackie Gayda returning on Raw. Naturally, where Jackie is, Linda Miles is sure to follow, and sure enough, she’s on Smackdown with the Bashams. Just as long as she doesn’t have to wrestle, okay?
We’ll also be getting the missing-like-Benoit’s-front-tooth exposition viz. Team and Kurt Angles. Yes, it’s as uncreative as you think.
There’s going to be a nice special effects job happening during the Lesnar/TBS match that supposedly had the crowd going “Holy Shit”. Look, if that’s all it takes to amuse wrestling fans these days, it just shows how pathetic the marks really are.
I will refuse, as usual, to comment about anything dealing with Tenacious Z, especially this arm-wrestling shit that’s going down tomorrow night.
THE “SINCE HYATTE TOOK MONDAY OFF AGAIN ANTI-KEITH SPECIAL” RANT
Beadle writes in on a subject that a lot of my mail has been turning to lately: Why The Readers Hate Scott Keith. Normally, of course, this is Hyatte’s gig, but I feel sorta obliged to fill in when necessary in this area. BTW, I’ve restored Beadle’s obscenities because I hate *s.
That’s it. I’ve had it with that moron. Scooter is so f*cking dense that light bends around him. Somewhere a village is missing its idiot. I know that this is basically the feeling that you, Grut and Hyatte have every day of your lives, but this week the retarded muppet has gone too far. I would like to present the following as evidence at the Kangaroo Court to get the man castrated:
Smark Raw Rant June 9 ’03: “You’ll note that every competitor in the division can generally be summed up by one adjective by JR: Bitch, Jezebel, Spitfire, etc.”
Scott, please would you be so kind as to point out the adjectives in that list? Anyone? Bueller? Each of those words is a f*cking NOUN, you dick!! Jezebel is even a name!! A f*cking PROPER NOUN!! You don’t get anymore noun-like than that! Now I’m not just getting on my soap-box for the sake of it. Normally I wouldn’t bother picking up on stupid errors like this, had he not been so f*cking smug at the start of the report about his IQ supposedly being in the 145-155 range (well into Genius-level). This piece of shit thinks he’s a genius, and yet hasn’t managed to grasp the basics of his own mother-tongue (he may well have grasped his own Mother’s tongue though; there’s no other way the man could get any head)?!! Fuck you, Scooter, and f*ck every one of your ancestors. Your opinions count for shit.
Had to get that off my chest. I feel much better now.
Ah, 411, the Playpen Of The IWC. And I’m stuck being the monitor.
SPECIAL MAILBAG FEATURE: ZACH SINGER’S MANIFESTO
A lot of people have the wrong indication of liberals in general and myself and Zach Singer in particular. We’re not all bleeding-hearts who want to fork over your hard-earned tax dollars to various and sundry programs that you’ve never heard of, or who want to mandate minority quotas. We are as true Americans as anyone, and we’re concerned about the direction this country’s going in. Zach wrote me a nice long letter about some blatant conservative propaganda, and I think it’s worth reading, so I’ll play Engels to his Marx:
Eric, I heard something on the radio tonight that was so stunningly ridiculous, I had to nearly pull over.
It was an ad on a sports talk radio station. I shall keep them anonymous to protect the ridiculous. I can’t say who did the ad, because there was no mention. They probably didn’t want to take credit for the crap.
Eric, like you, I am sick of the defamation and disgracing of the word and meaning of patriotism we have seen since 9/11.
This ad featured little kids being asked by the announcer “What makes America great?” And of course we got the ususal cutesy answers, “I know I am safe”, et al. A real gem in the kid who said “I know you can say something bad about the President without getting your head chopped off.” Although it may be another dumb slight at the French, who have outlawed capital punishment. Hey, if its so bad…why do we do it!
And then I heard the most insane thing I have ever heard.
“If your teeth fall out, you get new ones.” “Can’t you get new ones in other countries?” “Not that I know of!”
Did the announcer go “Wow, that’s pretty ignorant, you dumb little girl!” or the more appropriate “well, that’s not true.” Nope. Nothing. It was cute, right? Hell no it wasn’t.
Now…let that sink in for a second. That there is the problem with this country. The perception of that as cute. It isn’t cute. It’s stupid, and it’s how the roots of hatred are formed. We live in a society of hate, and it’s caused us to be hated by the entire world.
It ended with another girl saying “I know my mommy and daddy will probably be safe”, and the announcer going “I think they will be. I think they will be.”
Before I continue, let me clarify 2 things. First, to those who say it isnt a big deal, its not only exploitation of children, but it wasn’t a big deal when Reagan and Shrub I’s butt-buddies at the CIA trained a few Islamic rebels how to fight Communism, right. 2 decades and thousands of dead bodies later, it seems like it was a pretty big deal. OH WAIT! Bill Clinton lied about sex, let’s crucify him.
And two. For all the neo-cons out there reading this, I’m not saying we deserved 9/11 – no liberal is. I know people that died in the WTC, as a native Noo Yawker. Stop putting words into our f*cking mouths. If you want to hear that, keep turning on Rush Windbag. What I’m saying is that we aren’t helping matters with this shit of feeling the need to show the world how much better we are than everyone by pissing people off, and just saying “Oh well, thats them. They’re just ignorant. They needed us to set them free.” Instead of taking 9/11 as a sign to CALM THE FUCK DOWN, like any nation with intelligent leaders would have done, what did we do? We lit the bonfires, grabbed the pitchforks, and put the world on notice that they would ALL FUCKING PAY.
We have a President who has a strong religious influence from men who have called Mohammed a terrorist. Men who support Israel wholeheartedly because they believe that the Middle East conflict will lead to the prophesized battle at Armageddon, where all “them A-rabs” and Jews will die, but for 1/3 of the Jews, who will convert to Christianity when Jesus returns to save them.
We still don’t get it, Eric. The first step to peace isn’t to encourage conflict and support those who do. It isn’t to be the macho Americans. It’s to do the one thing that will end the Middle East conflict.
STOP. FIGHTING. BACK.
This fake perception that we need everyone to pay for our revenge isn’t helping anything.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we bombed the hell out of Afghanistan.
The problem is when we go after Iraq, a country that poses no imminent threat to us, but not Osama bin Laden, who has slaughterd thousands of innocent civilians. Ditto Saudi Arabia, harbor of terrorism. And what about North Korea. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we just f*cking detonate Seoul at this point and get it over with, because we’re in such a f*cked position it’s very likely. Here they are, building nukes, and Wolfowitz thinks economic sanctions are going to work? How dare they imitate Kennedy. And as horrid as he was, Khrushchev had a soul. High Heels does not. I mean is the the best we can f*cking come up with. ECONOMIC SANCTIONS, AS THE NUKES ARE 100 MILES FROM SEOUL! It’s f*cking laughable.
We have to stop harboring hate. We need to stop feeling so damn righteous. We need to end this pride thing. Not proud of America, I mean the pride that comes with being the big boy on the block.
We have all the weapons, all the resources, all the cash…why do we feel the need to start f*cking around with shit?
To get back to the subject, we need to stop sewing in this hatred. We need to stop “gettin’ em when they’re young”.
What makes America great? I’ll tell you what.
It’s when war veterans come home and get treated like the brave soldiers AND REAL PATRIOTS they are [except for one horrible joke of a welcome after Nam, that was a disgusting return], instead of being shot. It’s knowing we can settle disputes without simply resorting to violence every time. It’s the knowledge that I can type this and feel confident that the freedom of America has created enough computer programs to block John Ashcroft from finding me.
It’s the belief that someday, maybe we’ll stop being so damn arrogant and start thinking that maybe we’re part of the problem.
Hey America- don’t you think it’s time for a little understanding of one another? I do. Because what we’re doing now sure as shit isnt helping anything.
Zach, you are going to get lambasted by a bunch of people for this one (you should see the truly hateful mail I get from certain parts of the Jewish community, especially in Noo Yawk, every time I dare say anything bad about Israeli behavior (for instance, the situation with Abdel Aziz Rantissi that’s going on right now) or dare say something that might put any Palestinian, especially Arafat, in a positive light). Actually, what’s going to happen is that I’m going to get lambasted for this one because ignorant readers will think I wrote it, but ain’t no big thing, because I pretty much agree with you across the line.
Americans are xenophobic bullies. I say that as a good American who’s served my country. Americans are also inveterate do-gooders who want everything peaceful and nice and who believe they have the power to make it that way, ignoring hundreds, maybe thousands, of years of history behind certain conflicts. There’s a line between those two in your average intervention, and, for some reasons, Americans have the habit of crossing that line every single f*cking time.
Witness Somalia and Kosovo, for those Republicans who think that I’d instinctively disregard every stupid military action by a Democratic president. We went in with good intentions, strictly for humanitarian reasons. We ended up causing harm, a lot of harm in the case of Somalia. Kosovo is a f*cked-up situtation. I subscribe to the theory that Andre Gerolymatos put out in his book The Balkan Wars: NATO intervention happened because Europeans and people of European extraction (read: the US power structure) are embarassed that centuries of ethnic and religious barbarity could happen in countries that are, geographically, European. Therefore, it’s up to us to set our wayward bretheren straight (and in the case of the Balkans, it doesn’t involve a NATO member, unlike Northern Ireland, so there’s no personal stake). Somalia is yet another example of the White Man’s Burden, which is an even more repulsive proposition.
Witness Chile, 1973, and Nicaragua, mid-1980s. The US initiated covert efforts to eliminate legitimately-recognized governments (in Chile’s case, an ELECTED government) just because they read a little too deeply into Karl Marx for the tastes of Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan.
For more overt activity, there’s Grenada, 1983, and that one was cynically repulsive. A mission to free a country to help American medical students? And, oh, yeah, it happened to take place just after 240 Marines lost their lives to a car-bomber because the US stuck their nose into the quagmire known as Lebanon.
(Oh, yeah, Grenada didn’t help relations with our Closest Ally. After twenty years, the Queen is still pissed off that the Americans invaded a member of the Commonwealth without consulting HM Govt. The Queen takes the Commonwealth very seriously. Take a gander at Baroness Thatcher’s autobio and see how she had to calm Brenda down after giving her the news.)
The Middle East…I’ve wasted enough time and energy on that subject in this column. Every side is wrong, including the intervenors. The “road map” is loaded with dead ends and no through streets.
All of these are 120-point font, red-lettered, BLINK tag messages that the US should just stay the f*ck out unless asked in, and then only do the minimum necessary to complete the request. So why isn’t that happening? Simple: ever since 1989, the United States has lacked a perspective of itself in regard to the rest of the world. The US spent so much of its national psychological capital in establishing itself as the Bulwark Against Communism that there was no Plan B available when Communism collapsed. The only alternate role that seems to have clicked with the public has been “Ass-Kicking When Needed”. So Iraq was a PR ploy designed to raise national self-image after September 11th, as was the Gulf War in regard to “Post-Vietnam Syndrome”.
(Oh, don’t give me the “harboring and training terrorists” bullshit, please. If that’s the case, why didn’t we go into Czechoslovakia and East Germany in the 70s when they were doing the same thing? Oh, right, the Soviet Union was there, and they had nukes. At least the commute would have been easier for the troops.)
What scares me about all of this is the fact that it’s so damn easy to bolster America’s self-image by doing stuff like this. Are we Americans that shallow of a people that we can be this easily influenced? Or is this just an example of how much contempt our so-called leaders have for us, that they think we’re that easily influenced?
Bread and Circuses. Nothing more.
THE STANDARD MAILBAG!
In order to provide fair coverage of political issues, something that the FCC doesn’t require anymore, I hereby present my fascist bud John King to provide us with a view of Hitlary’s political future (I’ll consult with the shrink about Abilify once I get the medical insurance thing cleared up; I still have yet to hear from lawyers about the situation):
The Clintons are the party guest that will never leave. Can you name any of the nine running? I have not seen a starting nine that bad since the ’62 Mets. Many can’t because the Beverly Hillbillies are sucking all the oxygen out of that party and will be portrayed as the saviors. Why do you think that Fast Terry is still in charge even after they got stomped last November? C’mon man wake up and smell the neural receptors firing. They are laying the groundwork for the Clintons to ride to the rescue in 2008 when it is an open field. Of course she has to protect her left flank in 2006 because they are going to come gunning for her. Wait until she runs though. You want to see a negative backlash vote in this country? When she runs there will be Hell To Pay (RIP Ms. Olsen)
First of all, I’d put any starting lineup from the early 1970s White Sox up against the ’62 Mets any day, even with Dick Allen in there. Besides, who doesn’t love Marvelous Marv Throneberry?
Second, it’s not going to be an open field in 2008. There will be a Democratic incumbent that year, you know.
Third, it was looking this bad for the Good Guys in 1991 as well, and that seemed to turn out all right. They won’t even need Ross Perot this time.
Fourth, the reason I believe her regarding 2012, where there will be an open field for a Democratic challenger, is that she realizes how much she’s disliked nationally, and she wants time to heal all wounds. See Nixon, Richard, circa 1967 for a comparison, except for the fact that Nixon had been out of big-time politics for five years at that point. The problem here is timing. If the situation warrants in 2008, I wouldn’t begrudge her running. We all saw how Teddy Kennedy f*cked his sole chance up by running in 1980 and not 1976. She’s a lot more savvy than her horndog husband when it comes to everything politics, and she’ll know if she has an opening.
(And just to extend that Nixon thing, Alan Nichols, an actual college professor of philosophy who thinks that I have my act together, points out a great essay done by, of all people, John Dean over at FindLaw (here’s a mirror of it) about Dubbaya’s incessant lying to the American public about WMD. He says that it might end up being the worst scandal since Watergate, and if anyone knows anything about Watergate, it’s John Dean.)
Fifth, how about those first-day sales figures? If wrestling’s taught us anything, John, it’s how to determine whether heel heet is good or bad for a character. Hitlary has some big-time good heel heat going.
And now let’s compare and contrast to the Bitch of the Baskervilles. The Priz! has the following comment on yesterday’s stuff-Steph-in-every-orifice idea:
I’d like to contribute to Christopher Arrington’s idea. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s a reasonably attractive member of our half of the species. What would really be sweet on this is if we could get the UGLIEST black man alive to plant his seed in Steph. Like, say, Mabel/Viscera. Then the look on Trip’s pimply face as the ugly-ass bastard child pops out would be really worth it.
Normally, I would say that I would pay for a PPV like the one you suggested (the Steph-audience train), but really that’s just too disgusting to fathom. I mean, c’mon now…
Give most guys some credit, they wouldn’t put their dick within a square block of her exposed snatch. Just the idea of guys HAVING to do it for a PPV…..ew. Unless it’s the guys at Enron and Worldcom, then everyone will think that Martha Stewart got off easy.
That’s vicious, Dave, outright vicious. I’m so proud of you.
Memo to Regular Barry Petchesky: it’s one thing to talk about Funny Cide’s “impairment”. It’s another to talk about Lance Armstrong’s, mostly because of the circumstances that surround said loss and the fact that he’s, well, human, so it hits a little close to home. That being said, he’ll take it again this year. Fuck the Frogs.
Semi-Regular Tom D’errico decides to go in a related direction to the last two selections simultaneously:
I did see highlights of the Williams sister (maybe Serena [Yes, it was Serena – EJS]) playing in the semi-final. I saw her start to argue with the calls being made. And I noticed how once she started arguing the calls the crowd began to turn on her. So, whatever. It’s not the first time something like that has happened. It’s human nature: play the frigging game, and if you are a cry baby about it, people will turn on you. (It’s the same as all this soccer talk you’ve done about “taking dives.”)
Then, 2 nights later I come across O’Reilly on Fox News (while channel surfing… I’ve gradually come to hate him more and more the more I see him) and he’s spinning it into some French hate America hence the “no-need-for-this” booing. But if you actually watched the match there was a reason. Then he has some nobody on there calling in to say professional US athletes fear for their lives playing overseas now and this French Open thing is a great example of things getting out of hand.
The only thing I see getting out of hand is that the people over at Fox News have their heads dangerously far up their own asses and the lack of oxygen is starting to kill them.
Logic has long been estranged from anything anywhere near Fox News (with the exception of the presence of a certain Regular who shall remain unnamed due to possible taint from being mentioned in my column jeopardizing his position at said). It’s obvious that Serena was booed for being a whiner, not because she was American. However, Billy always has to come up with some kind of political dimension to everything in order to justify a position that fewer and fewer Americans are buying (enough so that critical mass will easily be reached by next November). In fact, I’d say that he’s well on his way to becoming a joke, so let him.
More than a couple of Aussies decided to take a crack at the Carlton/WWE comparisons, and they all mentioned former club president John Elliot as definitely being a Vince manque. Regular Timothy Byrne posits retired player/provocateur Greg Williams as the Trip figure in Carlton’s collapse. Okay, it satisfies me.
Semi-Regular Charles Wooding brings up the subject of one Mr. Helms:
I’m not going to be one of those people who are going to tell you who you should and shouldn’t like; there’s no point to it. That being said, in that alternate universe where you have your own promotion, I hope the other you with the Spock goatee is employing the guy. Anyone who manages to get over in spite of multiple godawful gimmicks could be gold if he was actually graced with a good one. If I were to plead with you on his behalf (and I only beg to wome–ah, I don’t beg. yeah.) I would only ask that your dislike for the characters not become a dislike for the actual wrestler (or that wrestler’s potential).
First of all, if I was in the Mirror Universe, Intendant Kira would be my General Manager. The Bitch of the Baskervilles could learn a lot from her.
As for the issue of whether I’d hire Helms, yeah, I would. I do not deny the fact that he’d make an incredible asset to any cruiser roster in the known universe, including some of the J-feds, who breed great cruisers like cockroaches. But it would take a lot of care and feeding to get him the right gimmick. You’d literally have to blank-slate him back to OMEGA to get rid of the layers upon layers of gimmick sludge that surround him. He’d also have to go through some voice training to help tone down that f*cking accent (like Matt Hardy’s done). No insult intended, but to a good portion of Americans, the moment he opens his mouth, he sounds like trailer trash. I have no idea if there’s enough return in investment regarding him.
Al Haigh decides to correct Dino’s anti-Brazilian mini-rant:
I think Zucconi got his Brazilian R’s (Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Rivaldo) mixed up. I believe the incident he is referring to is when Rivaldo (not Ronaldinho; buck-toothed, curly haired defeater of England) grabbed his head in agony after a Turkish player had kicked the ball (while the game was stopped for a corner) at his knee. This blatant piece of cheating was punished by a $5,000 fine ( a heartbreaker for a man on $150,000 a week), which obviously taught him a lesson as he went on TV a day later and declared that this was a valid piece of sportsmanship.
Believe me, Al, I’m not going to blame Zucconi for anything regarding this. Except for Ronaldo, not many people can tell the difference between the Brazilian Rs. God knows that I can’t, nor do I care to. Let them go back to a time where more original pseuds were being used by players, and I’ll start paying attention to the difference. BTW: scowsa verifies that it was, indeed, Rivaldo.
Memo to Aaron Lindbergh: Who said that I saw Finding Nemo in a theater? In fact, long-term readers know exactly in what way I did see Finding Nemo, and shorter-term readers certainly had enough info to connect the dots (in fact, I had to assist Jeff Patterson and Regular Heath Peek on issues regarding that practice during the last couple days). Correction from yesterday: Pixar does indeed have two more films left on its contract with Disney, but they’re now committed to the particular projects, so they can reserve ideas for a change in venue. I still insist that Finding Nemo was a message to Disney that they could half-ass it if they wanted to (and the differences between Pixar and the Mouse cropped up during production, so any action in that vein could still have happened), and the $70M box is no surprise (wonder what the drop will be this weekend?). I am looking forward to The Incredibles, though.
Memo to Scott Spencer: Nah. Not even Russo would use a fake invasion angle to drum up interest in TNA. Also, it wouldn’t work. Audiences, especially TNA audiences, are too aware of the business these days for that kind of angle to have any credulity. This isn’t 1996, kid.
And that’ll end it this week. Enjoy Grut and the gang, I’ll see you for the Round Table, and have a thrill on me.
Only the folks at Disney could put out a movie about fish and have too many humans in it. – The Only Man More Liberal Than I Am, Zach Singer