Who's Who In The DCU 6.12.03

Greetings readers of the column. Due to some sort of dimensional anomaly Mathan is unable to perform his column duties this week. It appears that he and I have switched places. Who am I? I am the Mathan from a parallel Earth, where evil triumphs over good. Perhaps you have heard of our rulers, The Crime Syndicate? Well I suppose I shall answer your questions.

The first question is from JohnBritton

Where did Jay Garrick’s hat come from? I know it’s modeled on Mercury’s hat, but that’s not the kind of thing you see just lying around. Who made it or found it?

My god man, have you never seen pictures of the 1940’s? Everyone was wearing headwear based on what the Olympian Gods were wearing. Some, like Jay Garrick, wore hats based on Mercury, while others wore crowns or olive branch wreaths like Zeus. Get your nose out of the funny books and read a history book sometime.

JohnBritton wants to know

How did Mr. Terrific get his name? It sounds a little egotistical.

Oh that one’s easy, he got if from your girlfriend. Apparently he picked her up at a bar. After he put a few drinks in her, they went back to his place and did the deed. That next morning, in the afterglow, she christened him “Mr. Terrific.” What? I thought you knew. Dude, she told me she told you about that. My bad. Next question!(I suppose you’re expecting me to pop up and give you the ‘real’ answer to this question now…nope, Evil Mathan is right John, Mr. T had his T-Spheres all over your woman, read it and weep sucker…-Ben)

JohnBritton really needs to know

Who wins in a fight, Black Adam or Captain Marvel?

To quote Wesley Snipes from the Academy Award winning Best Picture (at least in my dimension) Passenger 57, “Always bet on black.” Black Adam has loads more experience. Of course I come from a dimension where evil always wins. Somehow on your Earth Captain Marvel manages to win most of the time.

JohnBritton asks

Where is Jack Knight?

That pansy retired. He wanted to spend some quality time with his girlfriend and two kids. “I don’t want to be a super hero anymore, because I suck.” What a crumbum. What kind of “hero” gives up the good fight for such selfish reasons? Think of all the innocents that could have been saved if Jackie boy was still active. What do you think of you precious hero now?

Daniel J Foery asks

What is the story with Lagoon Boy? Specifically, why did someone
think it was cool to name a character LAGOON BOY?

Lagoon Boy is the creation of genius Erik Larsen, who also gave us Piranha Man. I mean that guy is great, the best thing that ever happened to Aquaman. His run on Aquaman, Lagoon Boy first appeared in #50, was vastly superior to the previous 40 odd issues written by Peter David. And for the record where I’m from Lagoon Boy is one of the most respected beings. (Then again, Daron Kaupauff is also the president of the United States of Amerika, and his last name is spelled Kaupauf, so take it as you will –Ben)

StarmanMatt points out

Geek that I am, I actually have a copy of “The Atlas of the DC Universe” from the DC Heroes RPG.
Metropolis (Superman) – Deleware

Gotham City (Batman) – New JerseyJust to let you know according to Mayfair games 2nd and 3rd edition DC heroes game, Gotham is in Pennslyvania, and Metropolis is, if you can believe this…in Delaware! Metropolis in Delaware is the weirdest thing on earth!
At least they don’t have sales tax…

Oh I’m sorry. In my universe gaming geeks and comic book fanboys are two completely separate factions. I guess in this dimension they have formed some kind of amalgamated alliance. What next? Star Trek and Star Wars fans unite? Bizarre. Yes apparently this book does place those cities in those states. Yet on “Smallville” Metropolis and Smallville are in Kansas. By now you’re asking, “Parallel Earth Mathan, what does that have to do with anything?” Well if I understand your history correctly DC Comics hastily married Lois and Clark, because of the nuptials on the show “Lois and Clark” So based on that I would have to say that the television show holds more sway than a book published years ago. But what do I know; I’m from a place where Luthor is a saint.(More importantly, Matt spelled Delaware wrong…go ahead, go back and look…idiots…I’m surrounded by idiots…-Ben)

Jason Torres asks

How many women has that dashing bachelor Bruce Wayne been with?

Let’s see he dated Tatum O’Neal, then he married Lisa Marie Presley, then he married the mother of his kids, what’s her name Debbie Roe? Come on man are you daft? It has been staring you in the face for years. Stop fooling yourself and accept that Michael Jackson is Batman. I have been keeping tabs on your Earth for a while. Consider the evidence that I have gathered.
1) Both are reclusive media savvy millionaires who live on sprawling estates, and are hard to pin down for interviews.
2) They both share close personal bonds with young boys and claim that there is nothing wrong with that.
3) They both have been known to endanger children under their supervision and just pretend that it is a daily occurrence.
4) Both have failed movie careers. When was the last time you saw a good movie with either one in it?
5) Both have been know to dress up in ridiculous outfits when going out on the town.
6) Both put on masks and disguises before going out in public.
7) Both spend obscene amounts of money on things ordinary people have no possible use for.
There you have it. I’m sure that you can connect the dots.

JohnBritton seriously needs to know

Whatever happened to Ultra (or Ultraa, I don’t remember), Earth Prime’s first superhero? White guy, long orange/brown hair, purple and yellow vest? He was from the seventies, in case you couldn’t tell from the description, and played a prominent role in a few cool issues of JLA.

Well my counterpart has left his reference material lying around so this should be pretty straightforward to answerer. Let’s see. Tobias Whale, T.O. Morrow, Turtle Man, Ultraa. Here we go.
I guess a long time ago a star exploded. One of the planets that orbited the star built a sort of space ark, for just an event. So a third of the population got on the ark and went into suspended animation, while the ark’s computer captain Maxitron looked for some new digs.
Well things happened as they often do, a meteor storm damaged the ship and altered the course directing it toward the sun. Even though Maxitron could pilot the ship for however many light years with out help, it only managed to shoot out one of its passengers before the sun incinerated the ship. That kid was raised by Australian aborigines (as opposed to the Icelandic variety.)
Of course since he was the sole survivor of his planet he had all sorts of powers on Earth. Plus he still had the knowledge of his race, which was developed enough to build that great space ark. Fortunately he landed on Earth Prime, which had no other super heroes Unfortunately the Justice League was passing through when he began his heroeing gig.
Somehow the Justice League found out they would be trapped on that Earth (instead of Earth One) as long Ultraa was there. Then some criminal found a piece of Maxitron and became Earth Prime’s first super villain. Oy vey.
So the heroes teamed up and defeated the villain, Green Lantern erased any memory of heroes or villain from the populaces memory and Ultraa went with his new friends to Earth One. But then he got the notion rid Earth One of super heroes too. So he used his races super science to make a machine that would stop the heroes from using their powers. But the side effect was that the villains got more powerful. Science, when will they learn?
Now here is where the story gets kooky. But you’re saying, “Parallel Earth Mathan things sound pretty kooky already.” Well hold on to your hats because the Justice League put Ultraa in a stasis cube, because that is what you do to people you can’t trust. Well a lawyer freed him, and the Justice League went to court to face charges of wrongful imprisonment. But it turns out that the lawyer was really a group of aliens that wanted to steal the hydrogen from Earth’s water. Not from the atmosphere where it is pretty abundant, but from the water! The Justice League and Ultraa foiled their plot.
Ultraa then became Jack Grey, Atlantic City busboy. Of course he was conned into helping a criminal commit some crimes. When the Justice League intervened, they just sent Ultraa to live with the aborigines. I’m sorry, the Australian aborigines.
But then when the Crisis happened everything started over again. This time around Maxitron didn’t save anyone. They all perished in the sun. And I think we’re all the better for it. (The best part of this clearly meticulously researched and written explanation? It means NOTHING post-Crisis! That was all wiped out by the Crisis and now Ultraa is just some goofy alien who used to stalk Maxima! Hahaha! Take that Evil Mathan! Good DOES always triumph over e-mail! Bookmark this column as a valuable life lesson kids –Ben)

Well that does it for me. Perhaps I shall make my way to this dimension again in the future. I am sure that my counterpart will be overjoyed that I made his deadline. Of course he won’t be too thrilled with the cases of Fresca and Tab that I ordered on Ebay for him. Oh here is a question for you; which of DC alternative realities is the best? “We’re all accidents waiting to happen.”

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