Welcome back to The Bootleg. Think of me as that $5.00 “convenience fee” that’s attached to every withdrawal you make from a strip club’s ATM. Speakin’ of last weekend…(and who said I was?) It was three days of fun n’ excrement with my boy, Vig. We managed to find the only Hooters in America where the orange-shorted whores wouldn’t sit with us, but would sit with a 4-year-old girl, her mother and grandmother. Ah, three generations of skanks carryin’ on the tradition. After that, we watched the Padres lose by four to Minnesota at the Stadium. Finally, we shot some pool at a dive bar that featured the surreal experience of a room full’a Samoans singing Karaoke.
Sure, the day was book-ended with my friends, Jack & Coke on Friday and watchin’ the A’s on the digital cable package on Sunday, but that’s all that happened. On an unrelated note, isn’t that $5.00 ATM fee jus’ a lil’ outrageous? Hell, I just recently discovered (but, not last weekend) that you could charge lap dances…who knew? Remember kids, it’s not adultery, if you don’t wear your weddin’ band.
It’s time for the goodness…
There’s Plenty of Hoes In The Sea…Or On Their Knees
We’ve all been dumped by a girl at one time or another. Hell, I remember when my first love kicked me to the curb for a soccer playin’ Brazilian. I guess my legs weren’t quite bony enough and my back not quite hairy enough. But, I digress. If they had ever gotten married, you can bet that I wouldn’t have scanned their Target registry for a gift. So, why is P. Diddy talkin’ about getting ex-flame J-Lo and her (current) fiancé matching Rolls Royces? Apparently, he wants to upgrade them from their Bentleys. Seriously. Puff…she ain’t comin’ back no matter how much you beg. However, if you wait another 18 months, Lopez will have cycled through every man in the world and will be right back wit’cha. Patience, playa, patience.
Remember Pitfall?…How About Sinistar?
This is the best damn video game related news since m’dawg Bebito made his triumphant return to 411! Which, of course, is right behind the debut of WCW Thunder for the Playstation. Metallica is getting their own combat video game. I sincerely hope it’s better than the video game Combat for the Atari 2600. The still-untitled Metallica game won’t be out until 2005, but it promises to feature the group’s music, voice-overs, groupies and casual drug use. Personally, I’m hoping that one of these game platforms runs with my game concept. It’s kinda like Right Said Fred meets Q*Bert.
We Gotta Nip This In The Bud
I don’t pretend to be The 411 Movie Guy…at least not since the settlement of that lawsuit, but do y’all remember that plotless movie Drumline? Tough street kid gets college scholarship to play in school’s famous band. People find out he can’t read music, he leaves the program, he comes back and his school wins the battle of whatever at halftime of a college football game. The star of that lil’ kiddie flick, Nick Cannon, is now a rapper. He goes on tour with B2K and others starting July 2 in…(dammit) San Diego. Please don’t support this fool. It’ll only be a matter of time before he’s reduced to McDonald’s commercials like that Carlton guy from The Fresh Prince TV show. How the mighty have fallen.
Money Inc…Me & Typhoon Will Destroy You!
The greatest heavyweight tag team this side of the Colossal Kongs will be coming to a radio near you. 2003’s American Idol and the sweatiest man in America, Ruben Studdard is teamin’ up with Puerto Rico’s mas gordo, Fat Joe for a new single. The track is part of the continuing quest to give Studdard the street cred that’s surprisingly elusive when you’re crooning with a redheaded beanpole suffering through “gender confusion” named Clay. It sounds to me that Ruben is tryin’ to muscle in on Nate Dogg’s territory. Uh, the singin’ territory, not Clay’s terr…ah, never mind.
I Think Dan Akroyd Snuck Into This One, Too
Weren’t we all jus’ waitin’ for the 2K3 remix to We Are The World? Well, if y’all head on over to one of the far-too-many Michael Jackson fan sites, you’ll find it. This time around MJ intended for his star-studded single to support the victims of the 9/11 tragedy. What More Can I Give? features Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Carlos Santana, Tom Petty and more. Sadly, the buying public was denied their opportunity to watch these artists score some contrived publicity while capitalizing on the emotion of the greatest tragedy of this generation. There’s also a downloadable video to go along with the single. Unless it features a jheri-curled Lionel Ritchie and where-are-they-now cameos by Steve Perry and Kim Carnes, I ain’t interested.
Yet Another Reason To Hate Ted Turner
America’s favorite curly-haired biiatch will be pissin’ off sports fans, as well as music fans. Turner Sports has signed Justin Timberlake as a “special correspondent” for their NBA broadcasts beginning next season. Fortunately, I don’t watch much NBA anymore since the league became a car wreck of talentless 19 year olds, their Escalade dreams and a streetball level of play. I’m not sure what Justin can possibly add to the broadcasts, but if it involves him catchin’ a beatdown from Latrell Spreewell, then I’m sure America will support it. Justin will also cover golf and NASCAR for Turner Sports, which make me wonder if other quasi-sports like bowling and lawn darts can be far behind.
Women…Can’t Live With ‘Em…Pass The Beer Nuts
Man, this relationship has more turns than a young Lex Luger. Eminem and his on again/off again romance with Kim Mathers is apparently off…again…for good…again. At the center of this week’s beef is their snotty lil’ kid Hailie. I guess Em went and recorded her voice for a mix tape diss towards current arch-nemesis, Ja Rule. Now, Kim fears for Hailie’s life and has left Slim’s suburban Detroit home. Someone should really tell Kim that no one has anything to fear from a cat like Ja who pays homage to a movie like Grease in his videos. Besides, anyone that sounds as much like Grover and The Cookie Monster as Ja Rule is probably a cuddly lil’ kitten in real life. Holla!
Lisa Marie & ajc
This was not a good week for Elvis Presley fans and The Bootleg. Just scroll on down to the junk mail portion for more info. In the meantime, I’d like to make it up to those I offended with something much more positive on Elvis’ open-legged offspring. Lisa Marie sat down with the good people at Playboy, recently. No, she wasn’t nekkid…as if anyone hasn’t already seen a spoonful of Lil’ Lisa’s slurry. She submits to the infamous Playboy Interview and opens up on sex, her fat daddy and Michael Jackson. There wasn’t nothin’ in the press release that caught my eye, save for her affinity for lookin’ up skirts as a youngster. I jus’ wanna know why it’s “cute” when Lisa Marie does it, but I’m a “menace to society” when I did it…last week.
More Cushion For Tha Pushin’
Remember when The Gap started that firestorm of controversy with their commercials that were loosely based on kiddie porn? Well, this is a zillion times worse. The official clothing chain for gay men and women who don’t eat has tabbed Madonna and Missy Elliot for their new ad campaign. Missy will riff on Madonna’s 1985 track, Into the Groove, while Madonna will inform viewers that size 10 sistas like Missy had better keep on walkin’ down to Lane Bryant. Of course, I only jest about fat chicks. Just try’n keep me away from those monthly episodes of The Jenny Jones Show where they do “Big Girl Makeovers”. They’re festively plump, y’know.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
It’s been 10 years since Sly Stallone last had a hit movie. Admittedly, I’m being generous by calling the cartoonish Demolition Man a “hit”. So, how’s a roided up and aging Italian Stallion supposed to reclaim the audience that left him somewhere between Cop Land and that racing car flick? If you said: “Make a film that appeals to an ‘urban’ (and we all know what that means…wink wink) audience”, then you must’ve heard the news regarding Rampart Scandal.
Stallone will play Detective Russell Poole, who was the lead investigator in the Los Angeles murder of rapper Biggie Smalls. Poole claimed that his superiors on the force ignored his evidence linking Suge Knight and Death Row Records with the murder.
By the way, why do so many former box-office draws think that a movie with a few bruthas from gangs urban youth social groups will propel them back to the top? It didn’t work for Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds. It didn’t work for Tom Berenger in The Substitute. And you can bet your ass it won’t work for Harrison Ford (and rappers Kurupt & Master P) in Hollywood Homicide.
General Haberdashery
E Smeezy has a brand-new Sunday news column. Jus’ a lil’ somethin’ to squeeze between Bower n’ Church.
Ashish doles out helpful suggestions on how to spend your money.
Junk Mail
There’s been an unusual amount of hatin’ from you people lately. Many of your words have been cuttin’ like a thousand shanks through my jugular. Fortunately, I’m hardened by seven months of marriage, my job that I hate and the fact that I’m the only Black man in America who drives a Saturn. So, I’ll continue to read each and every one of y’all’s barbs. When I start takin’ it out on the wife, you’ll only have yourselves to blame.
The very English Brian Q. writes:
Dear Sir,
The comments about Elvis Presley on your website are deplorable. Elvis Presley is the GREATEST singer/performer who ever set foot on a stage and will be talked about long after your website has been forgotten about. He is the PEOPLE’s KING and the most handsome man who ever lived – that is why he is still the Greatest record seller in the World bar none. The currently touring ‘Elvis – The Concert’ featuring Elvis on the big screen backed by his original 1970’s band has just played to over 70,000 people (here) in the UK – nearly 26 years after his death. No other artist/group could hope to emulate such a feat.
Amazing. The most handsome man ever? The people’s king? Quoth Ace Ventura, “Obsess much?” And I guarantee you: fans will still be talkin’ ’bout this site long after its death. Hell, the names Ashish, Cocozza and Widro will be not unlike Dahmer, Berkowitz and The Ripper (comma Jack).
Big Zack comes through with the absolute last word on the continuing controversy surrounding my review of the Hot Boys album.
Ive never written a letter to a website before, although I have been tempted to many times. Your article that had feedback on the Hot Boys Album 0.0 rating was the reason, as not only do I like this group, but I didn’t think the album was 0.0 bad.
I’m a rap fan, and particularly fond of Southern Rap because I like the beats. I live in Philly an you don’t get to hear a lot of Southern Rappers here so I guess that plays into it somewhat too because I can only listen to so many 50Cent, JadaKiss, Jigga and Freeway songs before I want to hear something different. In the interest of fairness, please try to give that album another chance. As a person who actually likes 400 degreez, Guerilla Warfare, And BG’s Choppa City (Didn’t like Big Tymers for some reason…) I would recommend it to someone who is a hardcore Cash Money Fan.
Although admittedly their time has passed, It’s a nice throwback to when they were on top. I’m not familiar with the way the south works, but for me it was as if I ran across a mixtape of unreleased material. In any event, I’ve heard worse. And unless you are gonna start giving Negative numbers for some Wack a$$ crap, please at least give something, anything positive to your reviews. Thanks and take care.
I sent a much longer response to Zack via email, so I’ll jus’ add this. He makes a great point about throwin’ around ratings of zero (or 10, for that matter). The more albums you listen to, it’s inevitable that you’ll find something that’s worse than zero or betta than 10. So far, I’ve only given out one of each and I’ll ensure that it remains reserved for only the best of the best or Ja Rule.
Some quick corrections from last week’s news: First, m’man Jason G. reminds me that Common and Ice Cube did feud back in the day. A quick Kazaa listen to The Bitch in Yoo proves that. Second, Mr. Hernandez cleared up the confusion regarding Ras Kass. Apparently, he turned himself into authorities and the “concert” rumors were jus’ typical hip hop gossip.
Finally, the good people at VH1 are once again dipping their middle-aged toes into another “greatest” list. This time, it’s the greatest songs of all time. Please give their rankings a look and bring yer punk-ass back, won’t you?
I’ll leave the rock and roll opinions to those more qualified on this site. They’ll probably be the ones sayin’, “Rap isn’t music! How dare it be included!” I jest, of course. Anywho, let’s take a look at some of the hip hop entries and see if they’re worthy. Remember, kids, “radio friendly” are your words of the day, so keep that in mind. The number is the song’s ranking, by the way.
Push It, Salt-N-Pepa, 92 – This was a huge hit for the ladies, but can anyone remember any of the lyrics other than “Ah, push it…push it real good”? How’s ’bout something from their underrated 1993 Very Necessary LP like Whatta Man?
My Name Is, Eminem, 85 – It’s definitely an acquired taste. If we’re goin’ for off-kilter, outrageous and harmless Slim Shady, then I’d take Without Me in a second over this one.
Ms. Jackson, Outkast, 81 I gotta be honest…I ain’t never been much of an Outkast fan. They’ve had some good cuts, but this ain’t one of my favorites. Why not rep the South with somethin’ from The Hot Boys? (Now, will someone please tell Cash Money to release my wife? I’m hungry and my dinner won’t cook itself.)
Hot In Herre, Nelly, 65 – Jesus Christ.
Mo Money Mo Problems, B.I.G., 58 – This one features a lil’ too much Puffy and Mase for my tastes. If you want a shameless sample mixed with good rappin’, how’s bout Warren G and Nate Dogg’s Regulate? Mount up.
Fight the Power, Public Enemy, 19 – Wow. I almost wanna say VH1 got this one right. It’s a great goddam track and P.E. never, ever sounded better. Try’n hunt down the extended video for this, too.
Walk This Way, Run DMC & Aerosmith, 6 – One of the more overrated songs of our time. Not long after, Run DMC was performing before a silent Wrestlemania crowd and their career was at an end. Still, I’m convinced that if not for the hilarious video, this song wouldn’t be nearly as beloved as it is.
Lose Yourself, Eminem, 4 – Too high. WAY too high. I marked the hell out for his (deserved) Oscar, but the worst kind of hyperbole is the kind that’s lavished upon someone who doesn’t need it. For example, “Tony Gwynn is the best hitter since Ted Williams!”
Readers…your thoughts?
Oakland A’s Update: They’ve lost 2 of 3 to Florida, Philadelphia and Atlanta. They’re eight games behind Seattle and they still have six with the Giants. Whenever you guys wanna actually start showin’ up (offense, I’m talkin’ to you) we’d love to have you.
This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to my pops. I sincerely hope you enjoy the Father’s Day gifts that keep on giving: a couple of wedding pics of your punk-ass kid and his wife.
