Sorry about last week. I have stuff to do sometimes that just comes up. My apologies to Eddie Burkett of Weinerville, whose soul I crushed by missing a week.
I find it odd that someone would complain about a wrestling column not being posted, but Eddie Burkett seemed to be a fan. My column seems to mean something to him and he missed it. It’s because of fans like Eddie Burkett who appreciate my work and miss me when I’m gone that I write this column and that I’m able to put on my plays. Eddie, do me a favor and cut me some slack and I’ll try to get a column out each week. It’s just a busy time.
Speaking of which, you can purchase ticket for my show, Dumped, Ditched and Lied To. It’s playing at the St. Mark’s Theater at 94 St. Mark’s Place in Manhattan on July 10th-13th. Tickets are only 12 bucks and there’s a limited supply, so get yours as soon as possible.
Junk News! Huzzah!
The big story this week is that many people in the WWE locker room were upset after Bad Blood, both the wrestlers and the management. What, did they have to pay to see it also?
Booker T was upset over the finish in his match with Christian. “It ruined my streak,†complained Booker T. “How am I supposed to go back to my family having picked up a win in my home state?â€Â
Kevin Nash was upset due to his feud with HHH being over. Kevin will be happy to know that the WWE has a long term plan for the character, in which Nash will bring back and the nWo 15 times between now and September. The sixth incarnation will include Spike Dudley!
Kevin was so happy when he found this out that he jumped for joy and tore his quad.
The Dudley Boyz were unhappy they had to job to Nowinski and Rodney Mack when they thought they’d be feuding with La Resistance over the tag team titles. I’m sick of the Dudleys. You want to put on the same act for 5 years or so? Fine. You want to show how weak you are when left to your own devices with your failed single pushes? Fine. But when you face the man, YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK FOR MACK! AND YOU’RE HONORED TO DO SO! Bitches.
“Duh, I’m D-von. Duh! I don’t job to any other black person! Nowinski has to get the pin! Duh!†What a racist.
Shawn Michaels was upset about the length of his match with Ric Flair. Time was cut so the HHH-Nash match could run for around 35-40 minutes, which it then didn’t. Shawn Michaels was so mad that he drove to the nearest 7-11, bought 5 cartons of Chunky Monkey, drove back to his hotel room and cried for 5 hours while gorging on ice cream and room service.
Goldberg was mad as hell at Bad Blood after Linda McMahon called him a disappointment a few days prior. In addition to this the crowd seemed to turn on him during his match, cheering for Jericho. Goldberg remedied both situations, spending extra time posing for the crowd to get the fans back before ripping of Linda McMahon’s head.
Meanwhile, the card featured a very good main event from the least likely candidates, a very good Shawn Michaels/Ric Flair match, and in my opinion a dark horse candidate for match of the year when Jericho was defeated by Goldberg. I didn’t love the PPV, mainly due to the Redneck Triathlon, but I didn’t hate it. With competence running wild in the ring, should we really give a crap about the backstage bullshit? Shouldn’t we just this just in. HHH has already devised a plan to crush the career of Randy Orton. More on this story as it develops!
Outrageous Celebrity Look-Alike Behavior was on Fox Monday night, and was produced by Nash Entertainment. Oddly enough, Kane did not appear. (Now, I know that many of you got that joke and are probably not laughing at it, but who didn’t get that joke? For those of you who didn’t, Kane is played by Glen Jacobs, wrestling journeyman and character actor of sorts. He has portrayed Doomsday in some federation I forgot the name, Isaac Yankem DDS, and yes, The Fake Diesel. The real Diesel was the man we know today as Kevin Nash. With Nash Entertainment producing Outrageous Celebrity Look-Alike Behavior show, and Nash having had a look-alike portray him, a look-alike who is now a celebrity, it should be expected that Kane would appear on the show imitating Kevin Nash. You may laugh now.)
Mick Foley appeared on RAW Monday and verbally tore Randy Orton a new asshole, who then responded to Foley with just as an intense promo of his own. Then Triple H pedigreed both of them and made Ric Flair join the NEW “Kiss My Triple Ass Club.†That’s right, Triple H has three asses. WHAT?
Shawn Michaels apparently gave an interview to WWE.com where he complained about Bad Blood, but it was removed from the website before I got a chance to read it. Man, Shawn Michaels was screwed! Karma, I guess. Bret Hart gets embarrassed in his own town and betrayed by a man he felt like a son to, and Shawn Michaels gets his interview at WWE.com removed. Karma.
Triple H gave an interview on WWE.com in which he buried Edge’s column and called Mr. Tito a bitch.
Actually, Triple H talked about the repercussions of being in Hell in a Cell. “Things are different out here. I can’t squeeze out a drop without someone telling me I can take a piss,†Triple H said. “I’m not sure I’m going to make it on the outside. But I made a promise to a friend.†With that the interviewer ripped off Triple H’s mask to reveal Booker T.
Raw’s rating blasted up from its pit of nothingness to reach a 4.1. Many in the WWE are beginning to come around and have attributed the rise to Rodney Mack.
Spike Lee won his lawsuit and the folks at what would have been Spike TV are claiming a 16 million dollar loss in revenue. I guess the only ‘POP’ that the NEW TNN had was from its balloon bursting.
Raven and Mike Sanders want to get someone to replace Mike Tenay as NWA:TNA’s new announcer. Interestingly enough, Tony Schiavone is said to be weighing his options between binging and purging.
There’s a big Raw set for next week at MSG with a headlining match of Kane vs. Triple H for the World Title. Look for the newest member of Evolution, Norman Smiley, to cost Kane the match.
Sting made his return last night to American wrestling in NWA:TNA. Jeff Jarrett and Raven got involved and the whole thing became a major bruhaha and set up a match next week. Interestingly enough, as I write this it is 2:30 PM on Wednesday.
That one is either going to rule or suck depending on what happened. COME ON, PREDICTABILITY!
Kurt Angle loves the Smackdown staff, the promo department, and Brock Lesnar. The only thing Angle seems to hate about wrestling is missing most of his spine.
The push of Rey Mysterio was thought of as an experiment doomed to fail, but Rey proved all of the nay-sayers wrong by pulling in the same exact rating for Smackdown as they had every other week. Congratulations go out to no one.
Vince and Stephanie’s favorite character right now is Sable. Look for Sable to celebrate this turn of events by wondering what the holy hell happened to her life.
Vince is also said to be the creator of the White Boy Challenge. I guess that means there is at least one other person who agrees with my Rodney Mack theory.
A double hernia has sidelined Bradshaw to six to eight weeks. In the meantime, Bradshaw will keep busy by seeing how far the meter stick goes up the butt of Brian Kendrick.
WWE agents feel that Brian Kendrick has been holding something back. Yeah, a meter stick.
Lita is expected to return to the Raw roster feud to join the gaggle of girls feuding over stuff. Look for Lita to be the third prettiest one on the roster as per usual. Really, think about it. You might like Lita the best, but can you tell me when she’s been the hottest girl in wrestling? That’s right, NEVER!
Time to ruin Smackdown. Run.
The Undertaker fights Nunzio with a heel beat down ensuing. A returning tag team makes the save. I don’t want to give away anything, but prepare to be ‘Bushwacked’.
Zach Gowen feels Sable’s breasts for some reason. Sable, recently separated from Marc Mero, takes what she can get nowadays.
Benoit fights Rhyno. It doesn’t matter who wins. I think we all know that true friendship is the ultimate loser.
Zach fingers Sable offstage. He now has one leg and 9 fingers, as something bit one off.
Rey Mysterio fights Kanyon. Rey is about to win when Billy Kidman runs out and costs Rey the match! Billy then cuts a long promo about how he doesn’t get opportunities in wrestling because he’s a Hebrew. That brings out Dean Malenko, Bill Goldberg, and oddly enough D-Von Dudley to begin the jWo.
Kurt Angle fights Charlie Haas in what is being called a competent half an hour television match.
Sable and Vince McMahon reveal their nefarious plot to make Zach Gowen lose a finger to Sable’s vagina monster in one of the most evil acts ever on wrestling.
Billy Gunn, no longer gay, fights Jaime Noble, who has never been gay. No Jaime Noble historian, experimenting with you in your dreams doesn’t count. For God’s Sake Daniels, have some dignity.
Eddie fights Sean O’Haire and much ethnic comedy ensues. The end comes when Roddy hits Tajiri with a haggis. Tajiri falls into a plate of sushi sending rice flying everywhere. The rice blinds Eddie who was drunk anyway and leads to a pinfall for Sean O’Haire. A big, embarrassing win for Sean O’Haire.
Sable mounts Vince, who f*cks her so hard Zach Gowen’s finger comes out her ass.
Brock Lesnar and The Big Show go to another no contest when the arena collapses. I might be cynical, but killing thousands of people and all of the wrestlers in the arena for the sake of a match is just disgusting. Shame on you Vince McMahon, 1934-2003. Tell Ron Gamble I say hi.
Well, that’s it for the jokes.
Ring Of Honor is the best promotion in the United States. Swear to God.
Sarah Blade has been writing a weekly mini-column for Junk News. Sarah is a professional wrestler just out of high school. If she doesn’t become a WWE star, with the stories she has to tell she can become a writer. The following is not for the squeamish.
Blading
She woke up Christmas day, unable to realize what was ahead of her. The rest of her life would be changed forever.
Her and Scott had been dating for almost two years. She was 13, he was 19. Julie had always been attracted to older guys, and she was finally happy that she found one.
She walked to his house Christmas day, with his present in hand. She walked up to the door, and he let her in. She could smell the alcohol on his breath.
He didn’t drink much, but when he did, Julie did not like to be around him. Scott was abusive to her when he was drinking.
She went on, hoping that things would be okay, for he was in a good mood, because it was Christmas. After opening gifts for a while, they turned on a movie that was given to Scott for Christmas. Throughout the movie, Scott would be drinking more and more. Julie would try and stop Scott from drinking, but be unable to.
While kissing Julie, Scott became a little more aggressive then Julie wanted, so she stopped the session. He grabbed her by the hair, and pulled her head back to his, and
forced her to kiss him. Julie slapped Scott, but was over powered by his strength. She screamed, but knew that only pain would come next.
He hit her across the face as she tried to run away. He never hit her on the face, always on places where she could hide the bruises from people. Never on the face…
She knew something was wrong, as she could taste the blood from her face. He grabbed her wrist, and threw her back on the couch. Julie is screaming at this point, trying to get Scott to stop. He lies down on top of her, so she in unable to move, she tries to break free from his grip.
As she continues to struggle, Scott starts pushing his hand down Julie’s pants. All Julie is able to do is scream, and hope that someone will hear her.
She screams at Scott that she doesn’t want to do this. That she doesn’t want to have sex.
Unable to stop him, Julie is left for Scott to do what he wants.
Next week, the conclusion to this story.
My email is Bladehwc@yahoo.ca. Mail makes me happy!
