Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m kinda like that feelin’ you get after blowin’ 30 bones on a wrestling PPV that features belchin’ contests and pie-eatin’. While I’m smart enuff to not waste the wife’s money on anything WWE, I did sit through one of the worst flicks I’ve seen in awhile last weekend. Bruce Almighty is the most difficult of movies to watch…the unfunny comedy. There musta been 100 losers in the theater and you could hear a pin drop for most of the longest 94 minutes of my life.
Speakin’ of movies, this was the first time me and the wife had been to “a show” for a few months. There’s a new phenomenon at our local multiplex (at least new to San Diego) that I must warn y’all about. What the fugg is up with the movie “pre-show”? No, not the harmless trivia questions and word scrambles (like India’s Otm Shank). I’m talkin’ a 20 minute “warm-up” featurin’ extended commercials for insipid bowel obstructions like Friends, the TNT network and Entertainment Tonight. I never thought I’d miss “Movie Tunes”, but dammit, I do.
This week’s Goodness is too hot to handle and too cold to hold…C’mon, y’all…Bobby Brown…the Ghostbusters II soundtrack? Whew, tough crowd…I feel like a Saturday Night Live skit circa 1995.
More Than A Mouthful
A few weeks back, The Bootleg mocked Madame Tussaud’s wax statue of Jennifer Lopez. This week, those same “artists” have unveiled the Britney Spears waxy likeness. What makes this replica so damn special? Does it shill the fizzy brown ooze called Pepsi? Does it star in a coming-of-age teen movie with acting that could politely be compared to the exact moment that dog sh!t turns white? Does its boobs inflate? Yeah, its boobs inflate. I guess the wax museum folks figger that this is the best way to target Britney’s real fans: balding 40-year-old cats named Herb.
He’d Actually Start In RF If He Plays In San Diego
When’s the last time someone in skintight Levi 501’s and a “manly” 5 o’clock shadow has played in Fenway Park? Not since Brady Anderson, I’ll wager. Well, add someone new to the list, as Bruce Springsteen will reportedly perform there on September 6 & 7. In addition, there are plans for shows at Yankee Stadium and Wrigley Field. Now, I know that Yankee fans aren’t my smartest readers, so I’mma break it down for ’em. The pudgy, mouthy, unwashed and fair-weathered Yankee-Backer known as “The Boss” is Springsteen. Steinbrenner is “The Boss” who bathes now and then. Giambi sucks.
Scooby-Doo Meets King Mabel
Do y’all remember the old Scooby-Doo cartoon that featured “special guest stars” like Cass Elliott, Jerry Reed and The Harlem Globetrotters? Well, the forgettable legacy continues with the next sure-to-be-shittay Scooby-Doo movie. American Idol winner Ruben Studdard will have a coronary cameo and, in a bigger stretch than the elastic on his Hanes, he’ll play himself. Of course the film’s producers are takin’ a huge risk if you consider that the New Doo movie ain’t out until March 26, 2004. Do they really think anyone in America will remember the Ebony Jabba by then?
U.N.I.T.Y….Who You Callin’ A Bitch?!?
Queen Latifah has been all over the place lately…and I don’t mean that in a “fat chick joke” sorta way. Last week, she agreed to a role in the remake of Taxi. I didn’t remember too many sistas on the old TV show co-starrin’ Tony Danza and a delicious Marilu Henner, so a little more diggin’ reveals that this Taxi will be based on a 1998 French film. Sorry, Freedom film. The Queen is also lined up to co-star in the sequel to last year’s surprise hit, Barbershop…which will join Another Stakeout, Speed 2 and Major League 2 in the what-the-hell-were-they-thinkin’ sequel department.
Mariah Carey AND Lesbians? You Gotta Read This!
Sucker. There’s no HLA to be found here. Instead, everyone’s favorite Prozac addict is reportedly designing new golf attire for the (heh) women of the Ladies Professional Golf Tour. Why are celebrities, like Mariah, who don’t design a damn thang that they wear automatically given carte blanche with a sewing machine from companies lookin’ for a celebrity rub? And Mariah Carey? This is the woman that wore a Michael Jordan jersey as a fitted evening gown. Don’t get me wrong, she looked hotter’n fish grease, but then every 17 year old with a 2-way and 20 pounds of baby fat started wearin’ those jersey dresses and the results weren’t pretty.
Conveniently Located Next To The Crackhouse Wall of Fame
Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer was inducted into the Bronx Walk of Fame this past weekend. The Bronx Walk of Fame. I wish I was makin’ this up. No one has actually seen this walk of fame, mind you. In the winter there’s too much snow and frozen feces on the ground, while the summer presents the problem of all those melted homeless folk lining the sidewalks. Besides, isn’t Aerosmith a Boston band? That’s like inducting longtime Red Sox ace Roger Clemens into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee. This year’s Walk of Fame class includes DJ Red Alert, too. Sweet. If you think Rickey Henderson’s eventual Hall of Fame induction speech is gonna be classic…
Whatever Happened To Another Bad Creation?
We’ve been in denial long enough, kids. It’s time to accept that yet another Lil’ Bow Wow album is comin’ to stores really soon. Whoops, sorry…he’s now just “Bow Wow” (apparently the “Lil” was jus’ too gay). Unleashed will be released on July 22 and the first single features the inexplicably popular, yet undeniably talentless Baby. Hell, the lil’ punk even managed to write some of his own rhymes this time around. That, alone, should crank up the suck factor to 10. As far as I know, only the final season of Oz, the last two Star Wars prequels and my wife’s Cornish game hens have reached that vaunted level.
Hey, This Radio Only Plays Hits From the ’80s…(But Do It Sound So Crazy?!)
The last few months have seen Jay-Z and 50 Cent sign shoe deals with Reebok. Now, P. Diddy is steppin’ up and joinin’ the good people at Lincoln to create a Limited Edition Sean John Navigator. Only 100 will be made and with a sticker price of $85,000.00, how can you lose? This is just what the Funkmaster Flex Lugz “driving shoe” was made for. These Navvies (that’s with 2 v’s) will feature state-of-the-art audio systems, three DVD players, Playstation 2, a suede covered center console and black wood interior. No word if Puffy will sign off on an optional ‘heat compartment’ to stash your illegal firearms when your hot new protégé decides to shoot up a club and your big booty Puerto Rican girlfriend is ridin’ shotgun.
She Wisely Decided Against Calling It ‘The Glitter 2 Tour’
Yep, more Mariah. She’s announced plans to kick off her first-ever theater tour this summer. The first show is slated for July 26 in Las Vegas. Ah, but here’s the best part. Apparently, the tour was originally planned for venues like The Staples Center in Los Angeles and MSG in New York. However, Mariah (quoting the press release) “decided she wanted to be in a more intimate environment with her fans”. Yeah, and Wrestlemania VII was relocated from the 100,000 seat LA Coliseum to the 18,000 seat LA Sports Arena for “safety reasons”. Sorry, but the only “theater” I’d pay to see Mariah in involves Heather Hunter and dialogue like, “You aren’t the regular delivery boy…”
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Y’all know how I try’n lure you into my column each and every week, right? The Bootleg “teaser” will feature something like “J Lo Gets Hot & Wet” and you’re disappointed to find a newsbit on the incompetent waiter at Justin’s who spilled a bowl of gumbo in her lap. This week, I’m determined to make up for all the misleading. At a recent concert in Massachusetts, Lil’ Kim had uh, an accident with her top. I’m honestly not quite sure if it’s legit, but since I’m sure most of you who clicked on the link didn’t come back to finish my damn column, I’mma assume that no one really cares. By the by, if you’re at work or school, you might wanna use some common sense before openin’ this up.
General Haberdashery
The Sunday Paper includes weekly Mets updates. Now, Art Howe is your problem.
Northern State is worth your money.
R. Kelly is innocent until proven guilty…or something.
Junk Mail
Last week’s primary topic was VH1’s embarrassingly crappy list of the Greatest Songs of the Past 25 Years. The one constant response I got can be pretty much summed up with the following email from Philly’s own Darius Jackson:
How the f*ck can TLC’s broke-asses be anywhere near the top of this list? Waterfalls? I’ll admit the video was tight, but there ain’t no way they were that damn good.
Not a lotta TLC love here as I got over a dozen letters that said pretty much the same thang. I also got a lotta mail that wanted to know where all the, y’know, songs were on VH1’s list. I’ll let m’man Zack take it from here:
Too many Rap songs and not enough R&B. By my count, 14 Rap songs, 8 traditional R&B. There are songs that got played on R&B stations, like MJ, Janet and Prince that I wont count because they are be considered Pop by many including myself. That’s way too skewed towards rappers. You mean to tell me that in the last 25 years of Music, the best R&B songs include “Real Love”, “Waterfalls” and “Fallin’?” What about soulful singers like Luther Vandross? I’m sure Stevie Wonder has a song or two that would qualify. Lionel Ritchie? R Kelly? (insert joke here.) Even more recently Lauryn Hill did good work a few years back.
What have we learned from all this? Y’all hate VH1. Y’all also got no love for the good name of Saturn. Surprisingly, the clownin’ about last week’s mention of my ride was kept to a minimum. Most of the feedback wuz letters of commiseration. I didn’t know that there wuz so many bruthas rollin’ in everything from Kia to Daewoo to Subaru. I will say that what little clownin’ there was…was straight ridiculous. Next up…on tha M-I-C…Nick Salemi, get busy for the symphony:
ajc turned on his peeps/committed the cardinal sin
Moved to Diego/got a Saturn/now he talks like Tony Gwynn
Push a Saturn? – Revolution!/that’s a bit that’s hard to swallow
You sure you can’t go to Nate Dogg’s and buy a used Impala?
I know that the dealer gotta move ’em off the lot
But bring that back to the LBC/and boy…you’ll get shot
Now you can hang with white folk/”dude, your car rocks!”
Check out the mad trunk space and them window safety locks
Son, it ain’t good/your OWN boys laughin’ and starin’
Did somebody order a Saturn?/That black guy named Aaron
Saleminem, ladies and gentlemen. Look for his new album White Chocolate Macadamia Nut in stores this summer. It would be petty of me to lash back with an embarrassing fact about him, so I’ll do it anyways. He owns albums from Coolio and Domino, along with Puffy’s second album. Take that, take that, take that. He also led the campaign to get Homeboys In Outer Space back on the air.
Oakland A’s Update: The mutated form of the player formerly known as Barry Bonds brings the Giants to Oakland for some inter-league goodness. Our boys are gonna need strong starts from Ted Lilly and Aaron Harang, cuz Seattle gets the gift of playin’ the Padres this weekend. I’ll be up at Pac Bell Park next weekend for the rematch.
This week’s Bootleg is dedicated to my Saturn. I bought that lil’ 1-cylinder sedan five years ago today. Just six more payments and it’s all mine!
