The Weekend Hotline 6.21.03

Starting now. . .I get paid to watch it. So now the question: Why did I not only agree to critique Raw, but rather suggested it. . .the answer is two-fold. First and foremost–the money. I’m looking to get out of this ungrateful business in two years and retire to the mountains of Colorado . When I do I won’t be able to live on my lumberjack salary alone. Number 2—for the past eight years everything I have ever done, said or written has been critiqued by everyone who of course knows more than I do, so I figure that now it’s MY turn.

Before I start the bad review let me first say that I do realize that there are problems in my own backyard—NWA/TNA. Can the show be better? Yes. Is there some inconsistency? Yes. Holes in the storylines? Some. HOWEVER—there is a reason. Despite what you’d like to believe the “Almighty” Russo is not writing the show solo. I’m working with others who I have never worked with before on a creative level. There are some adjustments to be made; other philosophies to understand; growing pains. And, we’re working them out. So now I ask—what is the excuse of the WWE. The same writers who weren’t doing their job a year ago—are still not doing it today. Who do they know? What do they know? When they were writing “Friends”, which is some of their claims to fame, why wasn’t that show so LOUSY? Why can you write for, say Phoebe, and not Eric Bischoff? What is the difference? Bischoff is a good actor. Or, were you really writer’s on “Friends”, or just getting the coffee for the writers?

HMMM?

Here’s why the show’s so bad.

First of all, isn’t it copyright infringement to rip off “Evolution” from TNA? I could have swore that I said “Evolution is the Solution” on a pay-per-view only days before they came up with the familiarly close; “Evolution”. But never mind that—I don’t collect residuals for many of the things I contributed. OK—let’s start with Mick Foley. There is NOTHING to say negative about Mick. . . EVER. You just don’t do that. Mick can do no wrong. Yes, it’s true, Foley really IS God. But the trouble started when JR asked the question, “Are they (Evolution) going all the way down to the ring?” Where else were they going to go JR? But that’s nit-picky and I know it. But this isn’t—Randy Orton—who looks great and talks great—just shouldn’t use the words the writer’s give him. . .unless that is he wants to look stupid. Orton actually referred to Foley as a “loser”. What are six year-olds watching this show? Is that the best that the “Friends” writers can come up with. In that situation would one grown man refer to another grown man as a “loser”? Now that’s some ol’ time heat there. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough—then came the BAD FAKE WRESTLING. Mick got feed, after feed, after feed, with no member of Evolution ever trying to defend themselves. Again—say this was “real”–am I just going to run into a guy’s right hand again, and again, and again? It’s phony—unbelievable. IT NEEDS TO CHANGE. Then Triple H (nothing personal—everybody does it—it’s what they know) takes 5 straight shots in the face without ever once covering up. That to me is BAD wrestling. Over five years ago Vince used to pitch a bitch when Bret Hart would get hit in the corner again, and again, and never cover up—WHY IS IT STILL HAPPENING 5 PLUS YEARS LATER? Rethink your work guys. The more you just go through the motions the more fake it looks.

JR: “MY GOD!!!!!!!! MAE YOUNG’S GONNA WRESTLE!!! Again, am I supposed to get excited about this because I think JR is? Stop insulting my intelligence—I’m beggin’ ya!!!

Great to see the Dudley ‘s still giving 110% . But again—Nowinski got HOW MUCH of surgery done to his nose? Did you say $30,000, JR? OK, OK, I’ll stretch my imagination a little. However, you could probably CLONE the guy’s nose for less!!!

Kane/Van Dam promo? Now, I really haven’t watched “Raw” for about five years, so I have to ask: Did they ever explain why Kane can now speak normal English? I mean, he called Rob Van Dam a “DUDE”. Didn’t he used to have a voice box and the whole thing? Wasn’t he a monster badly burned in a fire a few years back? What happened? Forgetting all that, what this was was a really bad soap opera. I’m sorry—people just don’t talk like that in real life. They only talk like that if they’re part of a bad television show.

GREAT “Bad Blood” package. The WWE still does what the WWE does best—production. Even though many people don’t realize this—and never will—Executive Producer Kevin Dunn is just as valuable to that company as Vince is. Without Kevin that television product wouldn’t look the way it does.

AUSTIN ‘S “BORING” SEGMENT.

WOW—I really don’t get this one. You’re telling your entire audience that you’re putting a boring guy in a boring segment on primetime Monday Night. Why would I watch this if you’re already telling me it’s boring. Now, don’t get me wrong— Austin was great— Austin is Austin —but I question the whole cluster!@#$. Are you going to tell your audience that the show is boring in mid-October when the Bucs and the Eagles are tied 21-21 at the half? Vince would have NEVER allowed this five years ago. Did Rachel ever come out and tell Monica that this particular episode of Friends was BORING? WOW guys, you should be BitchSlapped for this one.

Then—to add insult to injury—the quick roll-up from behind? Let’s put a little bit more thought in the finishes—shall we?

GOLDBERG

All right, everybody knows he’s not one of my favorites, nor am I one of his—BUT—Bill Goldberg does not deserve to be “just another guy”—because he’s not. Let me explain myself—when I had the opportunity to work with Goldberg it was very difficult for me. I mean, how do you book a guy who had done so much—so fast. It was hard to know what to do with Goldberg because at WCW you just weren’t going to top what he already done. But what’s the excuse here? The guy was away for two years—and had never been in the WWE before. Why not make him that monster again? The fact is you have a whole new audience today than you did five years ago. Let Goldberg do what Goldberg does best. You can see signs of political BS, putting Goldberg in his place, yada-yada-yada, but what you’re doing is killing a guy that you can’t afford to kill right now.

PS—love him. Or hate him, NOBODY has the intensity that Goldberg STILL has.

ALSO—I love Jericho , but I’m beggin’ him to cover up before Booker’s chops REALLY do start to hurt.

I have to say this—Eric is a pro. To let Mae Young sit on your face? I just don’t know if I could allow that—work—or no work. Again, no love loss, but Eric is good. I again have to ask the question, “Is he being punished for being Eric Bischoff”? I have to hope not because right now the WWE can’t afford the games.

WOW—AGAIN!!! Who did Scott Steiner piss off to only get 5 seconds on the show and as a guest referee for a Mae Young match no less? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DON’T CARE HOW BAD YOU SAY HIS WORK IS—IT’S SCOTT STEINER!!! And, knowing Scott—is he saying NOTHING behind the scenes?!!! Where’s the Scott I know and love? Does David Schwimmer get treated this way?!!!

ALSO—what’s stopping Steiner from leaving the ring to get to Test. Are the ropes electrified? Or, is it just “one of those rasslin’ things?

I liked Jackie Gayda and Rico. The characters were so over the top that I got it. What I don’t get is when they’re over the top and not supposed to be.

JR—”Test ran like a scalded dog.”

WOW.

And. . .six years later Lawler is still talking about puppies.

Maven & Orton. Both guys looked great in the ring. It was also great to see Mick and Flair out there helping the young guys—very refreshing to see. Lawler said that Mick’s book is on the “best smeller’s” list. Who is the WWE’s audience here? 10 year-olds? I love the King but unless your bedtime is 8 o’clock —your just not laughing at this !@#$%.

The highlight of the night—SOCKO!!!! SOCKO!!!! SOCKO!!!

Still over after all these years!!!

Oh, and in the finish of the match—GOD FORBID we have an upset. So far I have called the outcome of every match. Where’s the unpredictability?

Le Resistance? The gimmick worked 20 years ago—not today. In 2003—guys like these just don’t exist. It’s a joke. It insults my intelligence and doesn’t suspend my disbelief. I don’t believe. It’s juvenile. It’s stupid.

Next week– Kane unmasked!!!

WOW—we get to see Dr. Isaac Yankem again.

PLEASE!!!!!

Two matches were interrupted in the middle to go to break. In my five years of writing “Raw” that was NEVER done. Every segment had either a match, interview, or ga-ga. Is the creativity so low that you can’t come up with !@#$% to fill the show. What if I go to something else during the break that turns out to be better and I NEVER come back to the boring match? Again—five years ago Vince would have never allowed that, but today he does. WHY? That’s the million dollar question.

Man, that felt good. Now I understand why you guys do that to me every week. But, not only was it good. . .it was easy. Bottom line: Unless you’ve ever been in that spot you have no idea how difficult it is.