Let’s jump right into it, shall we?
Junk News! Huzzah!
Kane was unmasked at MSG on Monday night. To the shock of the fans, Kane was revealed to be The Undertaker after making out with Al Jolson.
Kane was unmasked at MSG on Monday night. This has led to even more questions about the character, such as, “If Kane spent so much time applying mascara to make himself pretty, why’d he wear a mask?â€Â
Kane was not only unmasked at MSG on Monday night, but he was also dewigged! Half bald, wearing the color red and wearing make up, Kane reminded me eerily of Doink! I know dewigged isn’t a word.
Kane was not only unmasked at MSG on Monday night, but he also proved to have the power to let the audience see his flashbacks! Many have called this a cheap and stupid camera trick, but I can verify that he has this power. I was walking past him on the street and some wavy lines appeared and I saw Paul Bearer breast feeding Kane.
The plan now is to have Kane half mocked and half pitied by the fans until they grow used to seeing the new Kane. Then he’ll turn face, then heel, then face again and go back to the mid card.
In a post match interview with WWE.com, Kane announced that he is too ashamed to continue wrestling with his face exposed to the world. He’ll now go back to doing what he does best, killing girls he likes in drunk driving accidents.
WHY COULDN’T HE HAVE JUST LOOKED NORMAL?! They could have done a storyline where Paul Bearer told Kane all his life that he was deformed! Even if they didn’t want to do that, why’d he wear mascara? I just don’t I don’t get it. I don’t know. I just don’t anymore.
Percy Pringle released a statement on his website saying he felt like most of the fans did, disappointed. He thought this could be the beginning of the end for Kane. Believing Kane would soon be without a job, Percy offered, nay, BEGGED Kane to let Percy eat him.
Kane’s unmasking could not help Raw’s rating, which dipped .2 back to a 3.9. It is not Kane’s fault. The unjust, unwarranted and plain old wrong squashing of Rodney Mack and the White Boy Challenge by Bill Goldberg killed any chance of a 4.0, and may have in fact killed the WWE’s future.
The Smackdown locker room is unhappy as the show is focusing around Mr. America, Vince, Stephanie and Zach Gowen. Unhappy with locker room leader The Undertaker’s handling of the situation, the Smackdown roster has elected Jackie Gayda as the new locker room leader and sent her to talk to Vince about this. I have a feeling that all will go well.
The felony charges against Steve Corino have been dropped! I have to apologize right now to Steve for giving him a letter calling him a “felony committing sack of shit.†I should not have written that, and I should not have broken into his house and pinned the letter to his dog with a butcher’s knife. Steve, I know there’s a lot of anger right now on both sides of this, but I’d like to be the first to say I’m sorry.
Paul Heyman did not come to visit either the RAW or Smackdown shows when they were at MSG this week. Many thought Paul would show up because he lives in the area. In fact, he lives in Penn Station now that his mother threw him out of her house. She didn’t like all the strange men at all hours of the night.
Spike TV is going to get an awful lot of money from Spike Lee when they win the lawsuit. They plan on using this money to create a new show about a horse with a giant cock that f*cks all different kinds of animals and humans in the “New Mr. Ed†show. I heard the horse-badger sex scene is very tastefully done. I don’t know how I heard this since I just said the show will be created using the money Spike Lee pays the network when he loses, but I heard it! I’ve got sources in my head.
A segment on Real Sports dealt with the death of pro-wrestlers. Vince McMahon was interviewed and came across as an asshole again, slapping the notes out of his interviewer’s hand. Thank you for reminding most of us why we’re ashamed to admit to friends and family that we like watching wrestling, Vince. Thanks for honoring the dead with your arrogant attitude. Thanks for the great programs you’ve been producing lately, and thanks for treating everyone on the Internet like a pariah. Thanks for taking all the support and money and loyalty your fans have given over the years and making us look like shit, Vince. Don’t fool yourself. You look like shit to the public when you give interviews like the one you gave, and we as wrestling fans are perceived as a reflection of you. Get yourself an Ari Fleischer, Vince. You shouldn’t be speaking for yourself anymore.
At the Smackdown taping a fan was injured when Vince threw Zach Gowen’s cane in her face. As punishment, the cane was unmasked and revealed to be The Undertaker after making out with Al Jolson.
Seriously though, the female fan and her male friend were taken to the back after Vince checked on her as MSG chanted, “LAWSUIT!†Vince was so hurt by this that he’s taking the crowd’s advice and suing them for mental damages.
Want to know what happened on Smackdown? Neither do I, but it’s sort of my job. At least my hobby.
Bob Barron went to the live Smackdown and wrote a report for everyone to read! Unfortunately, it does not include HIS patented star ratings.
John Cena calls out a rookie the way Kurt Angle called out a rookie, only with much more street talk involved. I believe the words ‘whack’ and ‘shizzle’ were used before the black Orlando Jones came out and kicked his ass for misrepresenting. I don’t see the point in jobbing one of your most popular superstars to a talk show host, but I love The Replacements.
The Undertaker and the APGAY (See what I did there? I capitalized on Bradshaw’s love song to HHH and his new haircut to turn the normal sounding APA into the homosexual sounding APGAY. While APGAY could suggest that both members of the team are happy, or that the Associated Press is happy, in the era we live in it and using the topic of this column it is clear to discern my implied meaning. I mean no insult to either Farooq or Bradshaw, as being homosexual is nothing to be ashamed of and I hope they enjoy getting married in Canada.) take on the FBITHINKTHEYSUCK! (Now, I did it again. Many of you may have caught the first joke, but the second one was kind of subtle. I think the FBI sucks. That should clear up all misunderstandings.)
Jamie Noble and Nidia inherit a lot of money from a dead aunt. Meanwhile, I kill ants all the time and I get nothing! (I was going to make a joke about my Aunt, but she’s actually very nice.)
Sable wants to sleep with Vince, but he slaps the condoms out of her hand and calls her an idiot.
In a US Title tourney match, Matt Hardy (Version 1 for those wondering) fought Rikishi. The end came when the sky turned red, fire enveloped the earth and four horsemen rode.
Piper (who has been bitching an awful lot lately, but what else did we expect) and O’Haire tried to wrest the tag team titles from the unlikely duo of Tajiri and Eddie. Piper was over HUGE at MSG. Wait. That should have been, Piper was HUGE at MSG. Huge as in fat. You get it. Leave me alone.
The Zach/McMahon/McMahon happy funtime half hour is up next, as Zach rips into McMahon and gets offered a contract if he’ll join the kiss my ass club. Regardless of the outcome, Vince says he feels as though he deflowered Stephanie himself. When Will Ferrell was on SNL, he played the Robert Goulet character. That’s this skit where the entire Goulet family puts on a show together, with Robert as the star and his daughter as the love interest. The sequence of Will as Robert sticking out his tongue towards his repulsed daughter’s face is priceless. This isn’t. This is just stupid.
Ultimo Dragon faces Shannon Moore in the match that will ULTIMATELY decide the ULTIMATE winner in the PENULTIMATE match of the night.
Mr. America, Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle face Team Carl and Lenny and The Big Show. After the match, Vince announces that Zach will get a contract next week if he and Stephanie can defeat The Big Show. Vince and The Big Show smile sinisterly, Stephanie and Gowen do their best to look shocked and scared, and Benoit and Rhyno wonder why the f*ck they weren’t on Smackdown as the show ends.
Barron ends his report by telling everyone to tune in to Velocity for the Xavier/Spanky match. I’ll do it, but only if Bob, who lives in the NYC area, comes to see DUMPED, DITCHED AND LIED TO! Running from July 10th-July at the St. Mark’s Theater. Tickets are only 12 Dollars and can be ordered at The awesome Smarttix website! Don’t wait, Bob! Tickets are selling at a moderate pace!
Junk News! Huzzah!
PLUGS!
John “B. Cool†Haley continues his examination of THE LITTLE THINGS we all love.
Our hero, Joshua Grutman, does battle against the evil forces of Daniels and Flea in GRUT VS. DANIELS! This week’s topic is the greatest wrestler of all time. I picked the dark horse and I’m actually currently winning!
I also popped up to critique Dave Schilling in this week’s Rantwars. So I thought Eric S was too harsh with his critique on Allen Turner and decided to call Eric an asshole and take it easy on Dave. So Allen emailed me and said he was cool with Eric’s critique and Dave emailed me to tell me how disappointed he was with my critique, saying (I’m misquoting him here) that he’d rather I’d been like Eric. So, who’s the asshole now?
ROH is a great promotion. Go to their website and buy some stuff. I make nothing out of this.
That’s it for me. Time for Sarah to do her shit. (This is the last line I’m typing, and while it’s while I’m in the bad place. It’s a bad place. Let’s say I washed down some annex with some Bolt Morty Live.)
Blading
Julie’s worst fear is for someone to hurt her worse then she can handle. For someone to do something to her that she feels that she can not handle.
What Scott did to Julie that day, was one of those things that she thought she would not be able to handle.
As she continues to struggle, Scott starts pushing his hand down Julie’s pants. All Julie is able to do is scream, and hope that someone will hear her.
She screams at Scott that she doesn’t want to do this. That she doesn’t want to have sex.
Unable to stop him, Julie is left for Scott to do what he wants…..
Julie invasions the picnics she had with Scott at the park, as he forces himself into her.
She thinks of the time when he said he would always love her, and would wait forever, as she being forced to indor the worst physical and mental pain she has ever felt.
She pictures the last two years that they have spend together, as he hits her across the face for crying.
She thinks of the times they laughed, and all the times that she was so happy to be with him, as he cuts her with a knife across her stomach. That scar is still with her today.
When it all ends, Scott tells Julie that if she ever tells anyone, that she will regret it. That he would do it again.
This fear stuck with her for three years until she told someone.
Writing this story was harder then any opponent I have ever faced in the ring. Harder then any challenge I have ever been faced with. It the Hardest thing to do to think of the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Email Blade at Bladehwc@yahoo.ca. This was powerful stuff. These are not just wrestlers. They are victims. They hurt their loved ones. They are people, and the reason Sarah writes in this column is to remind everyone of that. Thanks for reading. I’m gone.
