411 Music's Friday News Bootleg 06.27.03

Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m like those two or three cold fries you find at the bottom of your empty McDonald’s bag after you’ve already finished your meal. As you read this, me and Mrs. Bootleg are wingin’ our way north to San Francisco. As part of my birthday celebration from a few months back, the wife hooked me up with a trip to SF, a couple of A’s/Giants games at Pac Bell Park and a guarantee for a night or two of the best sex of all…”hotel sex”. Still no word if the wife’s gonna be around for it or if she’s gonna fly in “Nina” and “Gia” from my bachelor party.

Hey, that reminds me…have y’all ever noticed how in every strip club you go to, there’s always that one broke-down dancer with the huge six-color tattoo that’s crooked and most likely on her hip? She’s a little chubby and can’t really work the pole. Oh, and she thinks slappin’ her own ass and makin’ the “gun” sign with her thumb and index finger is sexy. Anyways, when you’re out n’ about this weekend and try’n to figger out where to blow your paycheck…swing on by Dirty Dan’s House of Booty and make sure to kick Bernice Destiny down a 10 spot. Much like The Goodness…it’s the right thing to do.

Karma Is The Real Queen Bitch

Last week, Lil’ Kim asked that I link to the photos of her “accidentally” fallin’ outta her top. I, of course, protested…but eventually gave in after Kim made threats of releasin’ Polaroids of me with Oaktown 3 5 7 to the public. So, it’s with great pleasure that I report that Kim was jacked of nearly a quarter million dollars in jewelry last week. Among the stolen booty: a “Queen Bee” necklace and some platinum (sigh) dog tags inlaid with yellow diamonds. It appears her dumb ass checked a carry-on bag that the jewels were contained in. I was shocked to hear that one of those $6.00/hour luggage jockeys in the blue jump suit, orange earplugs and “Rufus” nametag could be so dishonest.

The Return of Strike Force

Say what you want about the British…and considering I learned everything I know about them from the Manchester girl I dated for a few months back in 1995 and National Lampoon’s European Vacation, I could say a lot. If nothing else, they know tabloid journalism. The Sun reports that soulful cracka Justin Timberlake is dating the leggy and Angelic Cameron Diaz. In fact, they’ve got pics from their first date…at a bowling alley. Who the hell goes on bowling dates, anymore? Was the roller rink closed? Is the “putt n’ pay” too far of a drive? Speakin’ of tabloids, does anyone else think those Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher rumors are really, really…creepy.

It Just Never Ends

If you’re one of the few people who’s had it up to here with 50 Cent, scroll on down to the next taste of goodness. Unfortunately, I gotta type this out or else I’d be joining you down there. (That’s odd…the wife said the same thang to me on our wedding night.) Anyways, there are reports that 50 is in negotiations to bring his life story to the big screen. Mr. Cent wants to play himself, as his mentor did in the shockingly decent 8 Mile. Now, I don’t wanna dash his hopes, but 50 talks like he finished off two boxes of Cap’n Crunch without no milk. I’d like to recommend m’man Kim Wayans from In Living Color for the part. He’s big, strong, and scary. Lord knows he needs the work. Wait…Kim is a woman?

Put ‘Em On The Glass

First, it was Punky Brewster…now Queen Latifah has gone under the knife for breast reduction surgery. Like every other whiny-ass lil’ trick, Latifah cited back pain as her primary motivation. I would like to point out to The Queen that Punky hasn’t had steady work since Reagan was in office and that was before her D-cups spilleth over. Still, there are reports that Latifah has dropped over 40 pounds with the help of a personal trainer. Tons of weight loss did nothin’ to improve the looks of Missy Elliott, so there’s no reason to hope that a smaller ass and a C-cup will do much for The Queen.

There’s A Threat In The World Today…

What does it say about the current rap releases when news of a new Westside Connection album is a big deal? The follow-up to Bow Down was originally hyped to drop in May 2000 on Mack 10’s now-defunct “Hoo Bangin'” label. That fell through and for the past few years the occasional WSCG track makes it to radio and all the rumors start up again. Here’s the facts, y’all…Cube still doesn’t have a record deal, Mack 10’s first effort on the Cash Money label crashed & burned and neither one will sell out to Def Jam like WC did. This album should drop ’round the same time as the NWA reunion CD or the One Nation joint.

How Much For One Rib?

For the third time in eight years, comedian Chris Rock will host the MTV Video Music Awards. After droppin’ one theatrical bomb (Down To Earth), after another (Pootie Tang), after another (Bad Company), after another (Head of State) it’s a wonder that people still consider him an “A-List” cat. This is still the same anorexic brutha that was laughably bad as crack-addict Pookie in New Jack City and wannabe rapper Albert in CB4. He needs to stick to jokes about the “big piece” of chicken and the art of tossin’ one’s salad.

And He Talks Funny, Too

I’ve never been a big Lennox Lewis fan. He’s praised by the media and casual fans cuz he’s perceived as all that’s “right” with boxing. The thing is…he’s not a good boxer. He beat Holyfield and Tyson when they were light years past their prime. He ducked Riddick Bowe and he lost to the forgettable Oliver McCall and Hasim Rahman. Now, he’s producing and starring in a new documentary on the “urban Las Vegas underground scene”. He’s dug up a who’s who of has-been rappers like Too Short and RBX and the DVD promises to be the “first ever fusion of hip hop and boxing”. I guess the world has decided to pretend that the “Roy Jones, Jr. the rapper” era never existed. If you haven’t seen the video to Y’all Musta Forgot, Roy’s debut single, please hunt it down. Even if you hate rap…you’ll never laugh so hard in your life.

Thankfully, HBO shows Shallow Hal Every Three Hours

Sorry, kids…it appears that the new Foo Fighters video, Low, won’t be getting any airtime on MTV. The video features the hero of the 18-24 Caucasian slacker demographic, Jack Black frolickin’ around with Dave Grohl. The two dress in drag, spank each other and simulate sex. It’s kinda like the old 1980’s sitcom Bosom Buddies except with more spankin’ and simulated sex and less Donna Dixon and Wendie Jo Sperber. Fear not, though…the Foo Fighters’ new DVD will be out next Tuesday and features the banned video. And whatever happened to Peter Scolari?

ESPN Finally Gives Us Something To Enjoy

The original all-sports network seems to think Johnny Ballgame wants more than football scores, jock interviews and Linda Cohn. They’ve unsuccessfully extended their brand to wack-ass reality series, b-level awards shows and The Bob Knight Movie. Leave it to their irreverent “Page 2” site to come through. They’re currently holding the “all overrated tournament”. If you haven’t voted yet, you gots to do it. We’re not jus’ talkin’ athletes, either. Bootleg faves J Lo, Ja Rule and Mariah Carey are part of the “singers” bracket. Aaron’s Final Four: Athlete-Vince Carter, Singer-J Lo, Actor-Kevin Costner, and Actress-J Lo.

Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself

Pluto Nash, Kazaam and anything with Kevin Costner. There’s just something special about the spectacular failure of a big-budget movie. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown hope to add to the legacy with Beffy & Charlie. Mr. & Mrs. Crack are in talks to star in the story of two musicians who jus’ happen to be gangsters in 1920s Harlem. Along with Tommy guns and Model-Ts, the producers boast that there will also be song & dance numbers. Think Harlem Nights meets Hoodlum meets Cop Rock and you’ll have an idea of how bad this could be.

General Haberdashery

Mathan has been overlooked by me, so don’t make the same mistake. He’s an awesome writer with much respect for hip and/or hop.

E Smeezy is the best thang to happen to Sundays since those old Davey & Goliath “claytoons”.

Cordozar is still crackin’ hoes like pistachios.

Junk Mail

Last week’s obscure reference was to 1989’s Ghostbusters II soundtrack. In response, were a handful of letters like this one from 411’s very own John Haley.

Thanks for taking me back in the day with On Our Own to open your column. Tryin to battle my boys? That’s not legal!

For those of you too young to remember the days when America’s #1 comic book movie was Batman and Barry Bonds’ weighed 185 pounds with a 7 3/8 hat size, here’s the Bobby Brown verse in question:

Too hot to handle, too cold to hold
They’re called The Ghostbusters and they’re in control
Had ’em throwin’ a party for a bunch of children
While all the while, Slimer’s under the building
So they packed up the crew, got a grip came equipped
Grabbed the proton packs in the bag, and they split
To battle out Vigo, the master of evil
Try to battle my boys? That’s not legal!

A slightly larger chunk of junk mail came from those of you who appreciated the toplessness of Kimberly Jones. However, in response to the two most popular requests:

No, I don’t have anymore pics of Lil’ Kim nekkid and no, I don’t want anymore pics of Lil’ Kim nekkid. Oh, and in response to the half-dozen or so emails, I’ve already seen the Trina porno, but thanks anyway. Jeez, I link to a few pics of bare breasts and all of a sudden I’m the Black Larry Flynt.

Coming Soon

Hey, by the by…I’m currently workin’ on a couple of new thangs here at The Mania. The first is gonna be part of our “First Listen” section where we spotlight an early look at new albums or new artists about to hit the scene. I should have a piece on the latest “savior” of the West Coast rap scene, Crooked I up shortly. If there’s any other cats out there who you think are ready to blow up, let me know and send me/link me to some of their tracks.

Secondly, I’m in the process of putting together a BRAND NEW column for The Mania. It’s tentatively called…whoa, wait a minute. I just realized I haven’t even bothered to run this by evil webmaster. I’ll cheque with him first and let you know if it’s a go. Plus, it’ll give me another week to come up with a better title than Bootleg: The Remix.

Oakland A’s Update: As previously stated, I’mma be at Pac Bell Park tonight and tomorrow. I’ll settle for another two outta three against the evil orange and black. Startin’ on Monday, it’s four in Oaktown against the Mariners. The outcome of that series will determine if y’all get a 4th of July edition of Goodness.

Bored? Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13