The Weekend Hotline: 6.28.03

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Welcome to the weekend. I bet some of you are home, having slept in on this lovely Saturday. I, however, am stuck at work. This news/commentary column is going to be short on the news and higher on the commentary today just because, well, the shows were just SO bad this week that I just feel like I have to delve into them a bit and actually, the news ain’t all that interesting this week. (Vince v Hogan with HAIR VS HAIR!!!! OOOOHHHH!!!!)

Most of the mail I got this week was either “yeah, that makes sense for Kane’s unmasking,” or “wow, I can’t believe that’s how Kane unmasked.”

So, that being said, let’s take a look at the awfulness of both shows.

The Awfulness That Was Raw

OK, obviously the big thing on people’s minds is the unmasking of Kane. RD over at Wrestlecrap has a nice ol picture of the unmasked Kane on the frontpage of Wrestlecrap. If you missed Raw last week and are wondering what all the fuss is about, take a gander over there and come back go ahead I’ll wait.

So, after five years of inconsistent storyline after inconsistent storyline five years of totally ridiculous character changes from speechless monster who needed a voice box, to someone who didn’t need a voice-box, to someone who wasn’t burned beyond recognition, to someone who went to college and dated this girl named Katie, to someone who was a monster again we get this for the unmasking.

We get Larry from the three stooges with Mascara on.

Are they serious? What does any of this accomplish for the character of Kane? Will it help him get over? Does it make him more unstoppable? I mean, seriously. They shave his head into male pattern baldness and put face-paint on him. Are they seriously going to try to sell him as a freak of nature when he looks exactly the same as everyone else for f*ck’s sake, even REY GODDAM MYSTERIO wears the exact same Vampire contacts he does. The only thing scary is the makeup person they convinced to perform this butchery on Glen Jacobs’ hair EVEN THOUGH HE HAD HIS MASK PULLED OFF SIX GODDAM MONTHS AGO AND HIS HAIR WAS TOTALLY INTACT.

No burn makeup no scar tissue no nothing . But a bad haircut. And you got Jim Ross and the King screaming about how he’s a burnt freak. Should JR have been screaming that it’s the guy he tried to pass off as Diesel? Shouldn’t King remember his own dentist? Guys, HE LOOKS LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. And after all this, are they actually going to try and sell him STILL as the Undertaker’s brother. COME ON. Vince, your fans are retarded rednecks anymore we have half a brain. If you’re going to take the mask off a guy, you have to realize that people will remember him even not us.

Dude 1: Hey, isn’t that Isaac Yankem?
Dude 2: Yeah, I think it is.
Dude1: Wow that’s pretty stupid.

I mean, at least make it realistic for god’s sake. Let him pull the mask off all depressed like the gig is up.

JR: King that’s Glen Jacobs.
King: He was my dentist!
JR: We haven’t seen Jacobs since the Fake Razor and Fake Diesel debacle.
King: Who was responsible for that?
JR: Awe, be quiet King.
King: But what is Jacobs doing under Kane’s mask?
JR: You don’t think all this time ?

Hey, look at that realism AND a cliffhanger. Why IS Glen Jacobs under the Kane mask? Has he always been? Was there ever really a Kane? Does the Undertaker know where his brother is? Does the Undertaker know Jacobs has been Kane? Why does Jacobs have the stupidest haircut since Jeff Jarrett?

After 5 years of messing with the Kane character, they finally buried it beyond all hope of reprieve. Even Paul Bearer knows it sucks and when Bearer is posting about how bad it sucks it’s gotta suck.

Also, to all the people freaking out and goofing on the flashbacks when Kane was looking in the mirror. Get the hell over it. It’s called a friggin flashback shows do it all the time. This is why they disregard everything us idiots say: because we nitpick beyond comprehension. Hey, guess what, there MIGHT BE PEOPLE WATCHING FOR THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT. They might not QUITE know why it’s a big deal that this big red jackass’s mask might be coming off. Not everyone is up on what’s going on from day to day. Flashbacks are one of the few things they did RIGHT on this whole night. You can’t go into a show assuming that the audience knows everything that’s going on and when you have a storyline stretching back FIVE FRIGGIN YEARS it might be a safe bet that some people who didn’t watch then might be watching now.

Storm and the BORING gimmick. He’s on TV, he’s getting a push, he’s got a gimmick. Why don’t you ask HIM how upset with the prospects before laying into the writers for trying something out. It creates fan interaction with his matches. Get over it. You too, Russo. Like you’ve never come up with anything as bad.

The Foley segment was very decent and the interaction with Orton seems to nearly guarantee a return match for Mick somewhere down the line. I’m fine with that. You got one guy who isn’t even on the roster putting putting people over more than you got people actually ON the roster who’s paychecks depend on the company.

On a side note Mick’s bestselling his books now. He must really, REALLY love the business to continue to put his health on the line when he totally doesn’t need it anymore.

But just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse:

The Awfulness That Was Smackdown

Orlando Jordan: Shit, I wondered what happened to the 7-UP guy oh wait Jones. My bad. Regardless, they debuted another guy against Cena just like they debuted Cena last year an open challenge and blah blah blah. Fine, whatever another guy to flub around on the Smackdown roster and trade losses with everyone else on the Smackdown roster. Word up.

Noble & Nidia: The point? Poor redneck is left $827,000 by his dead aunt. Where can they possibly go with this? OK, now he’s a rich redneck. There is no storyline possibility here at all.

How about some brackets for the US Title Tourney? Or will this just be one of those tourneys where they have 8-10 matches and then just declare two people as the finalists that will face at Vengeance?

Billy Kidman, the man can draw Yaks.

The reports are saying that the Smackdown locker-room is pissed at all the time being wasted on the Vince/Hogan/Stephanie/Gowen storyline. I have to say that I agree it’s wasting a lot of time, but for different reasons. Where is it going to go and who is it going to get over?

Vince: Owner of the company, can do what he wants. Turns face/heel depending on what strikes him that day. Doesn’t need anything more to be over, he just is. Tell us that he whored his daughter out to close business deals. And that tells us what? That Vince is a “really bad guy.” We knew that a lot. This is the man that kicked the prosthetic leg out from under a cripple just last week.

Steph: Over as she is ever going to be. And what does it do for her character to find out of her past indiscretions? Not much and, once again, WHERE IS LINDA IN THIS? If you’re going to make your whole family be these TV personalities that like to air their grievances in public, why doesn’t Linda have a problem with Vince using his daughter as a whore? Nothing is going to help Steph. All she is ever going to be is another set of tits to the pre-dominantly male audience and not the best looking tits, by far considering she keeps becoming more manly from week to week. And Hunter wonders why people think he’s gay.

Hogan: He’s Hogan.

Gowen: Why, in the name of Hell, they are spending this much time on Gowan is beyond me. Gowan is never going to be the WWE World Champion he will probably never be the US Champion. Why? Not because he doesn’t work hard enough or want it bad enough, but because no one on the roster is going to put him over without a fight. No one wants to be remembered as having lost the title to the one legged kid. All of this fighting their doing (which is working, btw) in getting the crowd to care about him is going to be lost once he wrestles he will go no where, trade losses, and be just like everyone else on the roster with one leg. All of the television time spent on him right now should be getting spent elsewhere, with people Vince might actually push once his fascination with them is over.

Ultimo Dragon: Too f’n manly.

Newsbits

1. The plan right now is for Billy Gunn v Matt Hardy for the US Title at Vengeance cuz, you know, Billy Gunn is what we all want to see. Eh, I’ll be fair I’ll give Gunn another shake however, I STILL hate the Ass man music.

2. Nathan Jones still sucks.

3. Hogan wants his match with Vince at Vengeance to be Hair vs Hair. So what, we can either shave a skullet or we can pull vince’s weave off? Not that terribly impressive.

4. Regal is close to a return to television he will be the intermediary between Austin and Bischoff cuz, you know, we NEED three GMs on Raw

5. Kevin Nash wants to turn heel and join Evolution but Kev, what will your fans think? Won’t you miss the cheers? Oh wait

In Other Reading

Zucconi drinks Zima

BWWAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *sharp inhale* BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

He Wrote a Column, Too.

You should take a look at Rivett’s Take.

Haley takes a look at the Little Things.

I take on the evil forces of Grut yet again with Grut Vs Daniels. This week, with special guest, FLEA!

In Conclusion

Here’s to hoping the shows get better this week. It’s getting to be more of a chore to watch them than a past-time. Sometimes the show will sit on my DVR box for like, a week before I finally see fit to watch.

It’s got to get better soon.