I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done, as long as I enjoyed it at the time. – Katharine Hepburn
In Memoriam: The Great Kate. That’s all that needs to be said, really. Greatest actress of the 20th Century? Maybe. Too much competition in that area. Way too close to call. But she topped all of them in the balls department, that’s for certain. An inspiration to all actors everywhere, and a true role model.
Memo to Stampede Meat: Apparently you need me. Call me, I’m local. Jesus H. Fucking Christ, how do you get nailed for seven hundred forty thousand pounds of vac-packed steak? That’s a no-brainer, guys. It’s as easy as that fourth snowflake coming from Keith’s fingers the moment the word “Benoit” is used within one sentence of its location. Boy, you f*cked up big-time.
And whenever I read something like this, I realize that there are still too many QA guys in the meat industry with no sense of scruples who’d let a joint get away with unsanitized equipment. And here I sit, freelancing, waiting for someone to tap into my knowledge and intense morals when it comes to meat (and my lack of morals when it comes to anything else). Well, c’est la vie, and enjoy your closure, f*ckers.
Geez, a legend dying and a meat recall…that’s what it takes for me to get a lead for this column these days. Well, that’s wrestling’s fault. If they’d been providing me with interesting fodder, maybe, just maybe, I could write about wrestling and be interested. Instead, it takes a four-time Academy Award winner finally paying off in the dead pool that everyone’s been taking her in for years to put forty thousand volts up my ass.
It just gets more and more difficult week after week to justify actually watching this crap. On the Smackdown side, you have Vince and Steph getting deeper into sleaze and using a guy with one leg as an excuse to do it. On the Raw side, you have Kane, who looks less like a victim of a mortuary fire than a victim of a tragic drive-by involving some Mary Kay reps who broke into the kids’ stash of reefer. TNA is still charging for the privilege of viewing them, so f*ck them. And I can’t be bothered to go out and hunt shit like ROH tapes or, God help me, puro. We always used to say that the cruisers on Nitro were enough to hold us over until Jericho or someone could come out and do a kick-ass promo. Are the cruisers on Smackdown enough to carry everyone through Vince, Steph, Hogan, and Gowen, and then produce enough of an afterglow to carry over to Raw? Don’t know, and at this point, don’t care. Agassi’s out at Wimbledon, Hans Blix just retired (as did General Tommy Franks), and I have a column to do (a column that I’m going to delay as much as possible tomorrow in order to get the winner of the 2010 Winter Olympics in).
So let’s get to it.
THE PIMP SECTION
Williams has got an interesting one up this week. I almost ended up e-mailing him about some stuff in there, and I never do shit like that.
Memo to Fleabag: How about mailing certain people a preview of the new IWC 100, given your bandwidth constraints at that rinky-dink ISP you’ve got for your site? Let the plebes suffer; we elite don’t deserve that.
1BULLSHIT MUST DIE
“Paul Orndorff makes shocking admission”, said Jamie “Putz” Peltz’s header. So what was inside? The fact that Orndorff admitted to having bipolar disorder and that he’s under chemical prophylaxis for same.
What is “shocking” about this? And his statement was “brave”, Putz?
I want to find this cocksucker and kill him/her/it. Admitting to having bipolar disorder is not “brave”. It’s coming out and admitting a fact of what you are. What should be concentrated on is that people like Mister Wonderful (and me) can go years, if not decades, without getting a proper diagnosis and course of treatment. Or, for that matter, of people being too scared to get a proper diagnosis because of people like Putz who stigmatize the fact that something’s wrong with someone’s brain chemistry. That’s one reason I talk about me being bipolar. It’s to encourage other people to talk about it and, if they’re suffering like I have over the last quarter-century plus, to do something about it. That’s what Orndorff is doing too. He’s using his fame to bring some attention to a misunderstood condition.
So bravo to Orndorff, and congrats on coming out. But to report this as “shocking” and “brave”? That’s not only disingenuous, that’s incredibly disrespectful of people with bipolar disorder. And you know how I hate to be disrespected.
Just another example of 1bullshit being 1bullshit. So f*ck you, Ryder and Scherer, and take your little bitch Putz with you.
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE?
Oh, God, here we go again. Hogan’s ego has again got the best of him. He’s GOT to be the center of attention, or else he’s taking his ball and going home. He doesn’t get tagged in during a match (thus breaking the script for the match against guys who aren’t experienced enough to improv very well), so he whines. He’s relegated to playing fourth wheel to a cripple and Vince and Steph doing their Borgia fantasies, so he whines. And he whines to Bubba the Love Sponge, who’s always there with a tissue and a boost to the old self-esteem.
Jesus Fucking Christ, how many times have we seen him pull this shit, all the way down to using Bubba the Love Sponge as his personal PR channel? And you people still support him? How many of you whiny bitches go on and on about Trip and give Hogan a free pass? For that matter, how about you whiny bitches who go on and on about Trip and give f*cking Flex a free pass? Be consistent and hate all of them for their ego games.
This is a Good Thing, okay? WWE has actually got rid of some of the old deadwood over the past week. First Piper, now Hogan. Terrific. They’re finally realizing that it’s not 1987 anymore. Now let’s see if they can push themelves into the 21st Century by remembering that it’s not 1995 anymore and get rid of Nash and UT. Or that it’s not 1998 anymore and get rid of Austin. Hogan/Piper is just the first step in what needs to be done.
The good news is is that the Jarretts aren’t dumb enough to let his ass anywhere near TNA (that being said, expect Crash Holly to show up on PPV NLT next week; they can do some damn good things with him). If he’s going to make money, he’s either going to have to find money marks (in this ecomony?) or head over to the Land of the Rising Yen. Good for all of us. We don’t have to watch him anymore, or read about his backstage antics.
Buh bye, Terry. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. It’s still a little sore from all of the needle punctures, you know.
Then again, we’ve said goodbye to him before, and he always comes back. So, I don’t expect this to last. But I’ll be damned if you tell me that I can’t enjoy not having him around for a while.
HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
Americans love Norwegian sperm – Nettavision, 6/30/2003
You just can’t add anything to that, can you?
WRESTLING WEBSITE QUOTE OF THE WEEK
The Loki character on Stargate SG-1 is based on the Norse God of Mischief and had nothing to do with Low Ki the wrestler. – The Observer, 6/29/2003
Whew, Meltz, damn glad you could clear that one up. I’m sure there was a lot of confusion on that issue.
People wonder why I throw non-wrestling stuff into here all the time. It’s because of the fact that if I stuck to wrestling, I’d be doing shit like the Torch and Observer where anything remotely wrestling-related gets a mention like it was the Second Fucking Coming. Do you really want me to do stuff like that?
A VIEW FROM THE TOP
Semi-Regular Will Helm provides me with a question that, gosh, happens to be about wrestling:
On occasion, you’ve mentioned the “Restaurant at the Summit of Mount Perpetually Over,” most recently in regards to Kurt Angle reserving himself a seat. I was wondering: who are the other patrons of Chez M.P.O.? The only others I can think of are Flair and Foley. Austin drank so much he fell off his seat; Flex moves from the heel side of the table to the face side of the table at will, so he can’t keep a permanent seat; Hogan’s seat is run down and desperately in need of retirement, as is Undertaker’s; and HHH is too busy eying Flair’s seat to have a seat of his own. What are your feelings on this elite club’s members?
I’ve never mentioned anything about a restaurant, Will, despite my Douglas Adams LUV. I just presume they swill ambrosia and munch on mana.
Now, as to who is at the Summit of Mount Perpetually Over…well, there’s one main requirement for getting a reserved spot, and that’s the ability to sustain a high-level audience reaction no matter what ethos you may be portraying and no matter who you’re feuding with, and to do it over a protracted period of time.
So, therefore, who’s a member?
Flair? Absolutely.
Flex? Begrugingly, yes.
Austin? No. The horribly-botched heel turn proved it. Ditto Goldberg.
Kurt Angle? Yes. His ability to play off his circumstances and go along with his booking may be second-best in wrestling history only to Flair.
Foley? No. I have no confidence that he’d be able to sustain his reaction as a heel.
Jericho? No. Definitely not able to sustain his reaction as a face.
Undertweener? No. He’s the beneficiary of the most calculated and sustained push in wrestling history, but he’s never shown the ability to take his heat to this level.
Trip? He was well on his way there until he got distracted by Steph. Now, never.
Shawn Michaels? Judgment call. On the weight of evidence, yes.
Bret Hart? Again, judgment call. The WCW run exposed him as being as vulnerable on the sustained push issue as UT, so I’m going to vote no.
Kevin Nash? No, no, no, no, no. Anyone who literally had to have a new category (“tweener”) defined for his actions in order to explain them is not at the Summit.
Hogan? Undoubtedly.
Savage? Yes. Proved it in WCW.
Warrior? Given that he tends to transcend ethos, I’d say yes, as I hold my nose while doing so.
Dusty Rhodes? Yes. Anyone who could make Steve Corino interesting deserves a slot.
Ricky Steamboat? No. His greatest feuds were against Flair and Savage, and they took more of the spotlight.
Who’s got the best chance out of the up-and-comers? If Matt Hardy can grow beyond the gimmick, he’s a decent possibility. Ditto John Cena and Rene Dupree.
That’s enough of that.
SO WHAT’S OUR REAL ALEXA RANK?
I love IE Booster. It really helped me out with doing things like Pimp Section links, when I could just simply do a right-click and get the whole [a href=] thing going. I love the latest versions even more, because it’ll do everything except give you a blowjob. Actually, I think it might be able to give you a blowjob too, but I’m not sure about the swallowing part.
Anyway, one of the things that it does very nicely is gives you an inbuilt subwindow to Alexa, all with just a right click, then a left click, and no spyware involved. So, let’s head through the FUD and see how we’re actually doing…
Yesterday, 411mania was ranked #5551 of all the sites on the Web in terms of traffic. Our three-month average was #6761. I also noticed that we skyrocketed in traffic rank starting around, oh, the first and second weeks of March. Hmmm, what happened then? Oh, yeah, I came back. And we became 411mania, but I’m sure that had nothing to do with it.
Now, as for the others…
1bullshit: Yesterday’s rank: #5119. Three-month average: #6694. So, in other words, we’re in a stastictical dead heat with Chester the Molester, Milord, Suck Woodhead, and Putz.
Rajah: Yesterday’s rank: #5963. Three-month average: #10807. What are they doing there, giving away bobbleheads?
Torch: Yesterday’s rank: #10003. Three-month average: #13914. In other words, we’re kicking their asses.
Observer (technically, liveaudiowrestling.com): Yesterday’s rank: #39207. Three-month average: #21051. So nobody reads the Observer on Monday, or any other time.
Online Onslaught: Yesterday’s rank: #34535. Three-month average: #40759. Gotta throw that one in to make the Prick scream.
Forgive us. We need to use our Ego Dildo ™ sometimes. I will, however, crown us King of the Indy Websites, since 1bullshit is anything but independent, and not sweat it out. If anyone has any metrics to counter this, please send them in.
Speaking of metrics, let’s get to the reason why I keep bitching and moaning about ratings every Wednesday…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Trinity…uh, Gail Kim over Jazz, Victoria, Trish Stratus, Molly Holly, Jackie, and Ivory, Women’s Title Battle Royal (New Women’s Champion): If Victoria’s kick to Jazz’s face helps either of them turn, I don’t see any real problem (probably Victoria, because Jazz has an insta-feud with Kim). As for the new women’s champ, Oriental women aren’t my type, but they’re Slick Rick’s: Gail Kim is my future Ex-Wife…Wonder if she needs a male ring rat…
Christian versus Booker T, Intercontinental Title Match (ruled a simultaneous pinfall draw): While watching this match, I started to get an intense sense of deja vu. The camera work, the timing of commercials, the pacing, the match flow…they were all straight out of WCW’s playbook. It was like watching an hour-transition match on Nitro, only substituting Christian for, oh, Jericho or Benoit. So it was absolutely no surprise when Bisch walked out after the double pinfall and did what he did. That was also straight out of WCW’s playbook. Screw it. Just go all the way and have a best-of-seven on Raw and Heat. And be sure to have it go eight matches while you’re at it.
The Joe In Me reinforced that WCW feel by spotting something that I didn’t notice due to being out of the room at the time doing this column: Did you notice that Dean Malenko was one of the guys trying to pull Booker T and Christian apart tonight before their match?
Chris Jericho and Test over My Beautiful and Beloved and Her Pet Retard (Pinfall, Test pins Keibler, pump-handle slam): Stacy, honey, now we all know what that mean old Andrew considers foreplay. Come home to Daddy. He treats you right.
However, if you want to be pump-handle slammed, I’ll gladly do it.
Rico over Maven (Pinfall, spinning kick): Memo to Rico Constantino: Look, I know it’s part of the angle, and you’re still trying to get your character over. But there were activities at Pride Day parades over the weekend that were more subtle. You run the risk of alienating the audience by being this blatant. What worked for Adrian Street twenty years ago might not necessarily work now. Stop the swanning and prancing bullshit and stick to the psyche-out activities (I loved the room key thing).
Randy Orton over Tommy Dreamer (Pinfall, RKO): I’m not sure why this match was done, other than to give Orton some “tough” credentials. If that’s the case, then don’t have Ric Flair interfere. In fact, it’d be better if they went the pure “tough” route with Orton, turning him into the AA figure in this little menage. The guy has the physique and the attitude to pull it off, and it’d do wonders for him.
As for the new finisher name, well, Slick Rick thinks that it’s because K is Orton’s middle initial. I think it’s a tribute to the studio that brought Kate Hepburn to Hollywood. Or it’s a tribute to the studio that brought us King Kong. Or it’s a tribute to the studio that was paid tribute to in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. All are valid.
Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier over Novocaine Helms and Spike Dudley (Pinfall, Grenier pins Dudley, double-team powerbomb): Hey, a pretty decent match! Sure, it wasn’t as magnificent as the tag matches that have been on Smackdown lately, but it’s an improvement. Spike Dudley had to have been the key here. He’s the one who set the pace, and La Res kept up with him (a miracle in and of itself). Nice job all around.
And before the final match, I’ll give the Ravin’ Cajun a chance to shell out his prediction (timestamps are valid for this, trust me):
10:40 PM EST, and I’ll call it. Kane comes out during the tag team match, costs Van Dam the title shot. If he stays face, he goes out and chokeslams Trips. If he goes heel, he chokeslams Trips AND Van Dam.
And here’s Slick Rick at roughly the same time:
I actually predict an RVD heel turn and joining to Evolution, based on the fact “Winning THE GAME” is part of his ring music.
And here’s my prediction:
Who gives a flying f*ck?
Trip over Rob Van Dam, Impromptu FCA World Title Match (Pinfall, DDT on entrance platform): Weird, weird combination that would have worked had Van Dam actually, like, sold the leg psychology moves during the non-FCA part of the match. However, after the FCA stip was put into place, the match was good enough to make me wonder what kinds of sweet brutality could have taken place had the whole match been booked that way. Trip can do FCA and do a damn good job with it, and he would have had a much better opponent for it in Van Dam than with Nash. I’d really like to see it, much more so than another Trip/Kane go-around.
Angle Developments:
Misuse Prohibited By Taste: So not only is My Beautiful and Beloved trapped in the morass between Test and Big Sump Pump, but she’s also being forced to say stupid lines like the “legendarily small penis” remark. And now Jericho’s involved in it as well. Oh, dear God, help both of them. There has to be something I could do. Declare my apartment an absolute monarchy with My Beautiful and Beloved as Queen Consort and offer Jericho asylum?
Jeff Fernandez of the music section agrees with me on one point: …hearing Stacy say things like “Freakzilla satisfies me..” not only made me want to projectile vomit all over my couch, but amazed me that she could say something like that while keeping a perfectly straight face. She barely could. That line just was choked out. It was awkwardly written and there was no way to deliver it properly.
As for the Goldust/Rico feud idea, it’s pretty good, but I’m afraid that the overload explosion from the Marc Mero Memorial Fag-O-Meter might destroy everything within a fifty-mile radius.
Goldberg Backs The Mack: Look, is this some kind of black/Jew thing? If it is, leave me out of it, okay?
No Comments About Kane?: No. This show was a holding pattern for the character, nothing more. By next week, they’ll have something figured out. It’s going to be f*cking stupid, but it’ll be something. All they figured out for this week was to temporarily turn him into, in the words of Slick Rick, George “The Animal” Steele Junior.
And that’s it for today. Be back tomorrow with more of the same.
About Eric Szulczewski
