Welcome back to The Bootleg. I’m the reason the potato salad tastes funny. It’s Independence Day. Here in the States that means fireworks, barbecues, baseball and the beach for y’all. For me, it means my readership numbers fall to WWE house show-like totals. Not that I’m bitter. All your sun exposure will lead to skin cancer and then, you’ll be spendin’ a lot more time indoors and curled up with my column. A little short-term loss is worth the long-term gain. Nothing planned for this weekend, so I’ll just continue to marinate in the sauce of last weekend.
Let’s try somethin’ new this week. I know that some of you come here for the news. Others read for the superfluous opinions and general irreverence. Still others enjoy the perfect union of the both sides, kind of like the old McDLT sandwich at McDonald’s. Remember the McDLT? It was a burger served in a divided styrofoam package with the meat on one side and the toppings on the other. It was ostensibly designed to keep the lettuce and tomato from getting soggy. The concept lasted about a month in 1986 before it was back to the drawing board.
Anywho, instead of using the introduction for a recap on what’s up in my life, I thought I’d inject it into your veins gradually. All the stuff in italics covers last weekend’s jaunt to the Bay Area. There’s still plenty of news to be found, as well, so read what you prefer or grab a hot dog off the grill, a plate of cold baked beans and wash it down with a 40 ounce of all the Goodness.
Her Stolen Booty Has Been Recovered
America can now rest a little easier…Lil’ Kim’s stolen jewelry has been recovered. Last week, we informed you that Kim lost a quarter of a million dollars in tacky, oversized hip hop baubles at the hands of a thieving airport worker. Kim’s lawyer called the obnoxious trinkets “irreplaceable”. He must not know that this crap is sold in bulk by dealers whose ads appear in the last six pages of The Source every month. Lawyer-boy also called the theft “(quite) an ordeal” for Kim to go through. I thought an ordeal was not knowin’ where your next meal was comin’ from. Losing 800 pounds of uninsured jewelry isn’t an ordeal…I’m thinkin’ of a word that rhymes with stupid, moronic and retarded.
It was hot when we arrived at SFO. Quoth Matthew Broderick in Biloxi Blues, “It was Africa hot”. Pigeons would just randomly catch fire and tailspin outta the sky. It’s like we were diverted to Phoenix. Me and the wife dumped our luggage at the hotel and walked down to Fisherman’s Wharf. Picture your city’s most touristy area…with “clam chowder in a sourdough bowl” signs everywhere. We found a place that deep-fries everything on the menu and chased it with some of that liberal, tree-huggin’ fat-cream by Ben & Jerry’s. Ice cream cones on a hot day are very overrated. In five minutes, my hand had become a congealed goo of Chunky Monkey.
Drug Tested, Courtney Approved
Do you remember where you were when you heard the tragic news of Kurt Cobain’s passing? Yeah, me neither. Believe it or not, my wife enjoyed the work of Nirvana, so I guess they penetrated that short, nagging black woman demographic better than I thought they could. She’ll be happy to know that not only is Nirvana: The Day To Day Illustrated Journals about to be released, but it’s got the approval of Kurt’s widow(?) Courtney Love! That’s a relief. Would we have even heard of Courtney Love if not for the death of her more famous partner. I’m glad to see that Puff Daddy followed a model that worked so well for Courtney, though.
One thang I don’t envy my East Coast bruthas for is taxicabs. I was born and raised in Southern Cali, so I’ve been in a cab about 10 times in my life. We were headin’ to Pac Bell Park and an Eastern Bloc cabby with no grasp of the English language drove us there. After 20 minutes, I asked how much further it was. He explained the fares to me. I asked again…same question. He responded, “I don’t know”. If all cab rides were this bizarre, I’d think Danny Glover would be happy they don’t stop for him.
Do Not Pass Go
Those of you who had June in the “When Will Suge Get Arrested Again” pool can cash in. Knight allegedly punched a parking valet for giving his car a sh!tty spot. Since he’s already on probation, that means he goes directly to jail. Personally, I hope that Suge just gets a slap on the wrist and can go back to promising albums he will never release, calling Snoop Dogg a ‘snitch’ and suckin’ from Tupac’s cremated c*ck. Hey, as long as you’re back in jail, why not try to mix in an occasional salad or fresh fruit in between the shower rapings, ya fat bastard. Oh, and see if Danny Boy can still come by for conjugals.
Pac Bell Park is a nearly flawless place to catch a game. Nearly. A good chunk of left field can’t be seen from the third level seats out in left. That’s says a lot when you consider Barry Bonds’ head is now the size of the Death Star. Speakin’ of Bonds, he went yard both games I was there, including a “splash hit” into the water. Also, don’t let anyone tell you that Pac Bell patrons are Lexus drivin,’ Chardonnay sippin’ bitches. They’re actually foul-mouthed, ghetto bitches (at least in the 3rd deck), which was unexpected and actually refreshing.
The Madonna House Party
Have y’all heard the latest on The Material Girl? It seems she’s successfully kept the English Government from declaring her countryside estate as “open property” which would’ve allowed the public the right to walk the grounds of her mansion. Oh, those wacky Brits. Isn’t this the same woman that put out the Sex book a few years ago? Yeah, she’s got a lot to hide. Besides, after 20 years in the game, we pretty much know what Madonna is all about: she’s a fine singer, a lousy actress and she enjoys hot beef injections from Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Rosie O’Donnell.
Do you wanna have some real fun with the stadium vendors? Make sure you and your crew gets a seat way at the top of the section. I’m talkin’ 30 rows deep. Then, flag down the guy sellin’ those $5.00 bottles of water. Make him climb the steps all the way up to you and ask him if he’s seen the peanut guy, then send him away without buyin’ a thang. Always a hoot.
Will Work For Food
Beyonce is joinin’ forces with Missy Elliott, MC Lyte and Free for the lead single off The Fighting Temptations soundtrack. The track will follow in the wholly unoriginal footsteps of other girl posse tracks like Lady Marmalade and Not Tonight. Beyonce co-stars in the flick with that show-me-the-money guy whose career has died faster than you can say Academy Award Winner. Boat Trip? Snow Dogs? Chill Factor? Jeez, can a brutha get an agent?
There is no greater thrill in life than messin’ with your waitress. At dinner last Saturday, I asked if I could get the chicken “rare”. Always a favorite that no one laughs at, except me. After dinner, the wife bailed on us, so it was just me and my boy, Vig. We headed to Broadway for some quality bar-hoppin’. At the first place, I tipped one of the candy girls $4 for a $1 pack of Big Red that retails for 25 cents. I’m a sucker for fat chicks in torn fishnets. I also was approached by a hot slice of female named Kimberly. But, the whole wife-in-the-same-zip-code rule applied here. Damn it.
You Learn Something New Everyday
Show of hands…how many of y’all knew that Lenny Kravitz’ mom was the late Roxie Roker? She played “Helen” on that classic sitcom The Jeffersons. Lenny plans to start a record label named after his moms and their first release should be this fall. Y’know, the biggest problem with those ’70s sitcoms is that few of them aged well. All of them had to have a catchphrase (“Aaayyyy!” or “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”), a racial stereotype (JJ on Good Times) and a half naked white girl (Charlie’s Angels Go To Hawaii!). Fortunately, fans can turn on TNN at 9 PM on Monday nights and see all three.
At the second place, the DJ was spinning the worst “re-mixes” of everything from The Beastie Boys to Michael Jackson. Only a brave few dared to step on the dance floor. Fortunately for them, Vig didn’t try on his dancin’ shoes or else someone woulda lost an eye that night. At the last place, I knew it was gonna be classy when we shot some pool and had to use an extra “4” ball as the cue ball.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
The Music Gods must’ve answered my prayers. Justin Guarini, the half-white, half-black and all-gay runner up to the Singin’ Texas Eggplant in American Idol could be in whole lotta trouble after nearly running over a five-year-old girl while on his personal watercraft. The charge of unsafe boat operation carries a maximum of six months of jail time. Of course, you and I both know he’ll never see the inside of a courtroom, much less a prison, but the thought of his delicate cocoa-brown frame and knotted hair sharing a cell with Vern Schillinger or Suge Knight makes me smile warmly.
Y’all know that feelin’ when you’re not quite hungover, but just one bite of food or sip of water will have you hurlin’? Kinda like how Yosemite Sam can carry a million pounds of boulders on his back, but when Bugs drops the feather on top it squashes him. That was me on Sunday morning. Oh, and some free advice: don’t try’n read the newspaper on the airport shuttle while bouncing up and down on the hills of the city.
General Haberdashery
Mathan links love songs to dairy products in his latest. Even though he whips out the dreaded “gouda” pun, it’s still a great read.
E Smeezy may be on a suicide watch. His Mets lost all six to the Evil Empire and cut Roberto Alomar loose.
Murphy goes toe-to-toe with Radiohead. It’s like The War To Settle The Score, 2K3.
Junk Mail
There was very little hate mail from last week’s column, so I must be doin’ somethin’ wrong. I did hear it from the Lennox Lewis fan club, though. I don’t feel like cleanin’ up the profanity from most of their responses, so I’ll go with the more articulate cat right c’here:
i felt i had to let you know that you were WAY off with what you said about lennox lewis. he ducked riddick bowe? Actually bowe was stripped of the wbc title for refusing to defend it against lewis. lewis is respected by real boxing fans because he doesn’t duck anyone.
he also fought donovan “razor” ruddock at a time when ruddock was feared by nearly everyone else and lewis knocked him out in under 4 minutes. His fights against holyfield were very good, sure holyfield was older (and how that is the fault of lewis i have no idea) but evander fought damn well and i don’t think many other men could’ve beaten him on those nights.
Tyson was past his peak too, but by no means a push over and lewis dominated him like nobody else could. Those two fights you mentioned that he lost- well in a heavyweight
fight it only takes ONE punch to get through for an upset to happen. besides, lewis avenged both those defeats in impressive fashion.
I suspect the fact that lewis “talks funny” is the real reason you don’t give him the credit he deserves. he is not american, simple as that. Either way you clearly know very little about the sport of boxing.
cool column aside from that.
cheers,
hillel
My bad on the “Lennox ducked Riddick” comment. Bowe was the chicken sh!t that wouldn’t fight Lewis. I went into greater detail with this guy via email, but the short version is that Lewis is a good fighter, just not a great one. He’s fought a mostly weak class of heavyweights who were either overrated (David Tua and Michael Grant) or over the hill (Tyson and Holyfield). His losses occurred when he was out of shape and unfocused. Bottom line: Tyson in his prime kills Lewis in his prime. And, for a career, I’ll take Holyfield’s catalog over Lewis’.
Finally, to all y’all hittin’ me up for copies of the Trina video I mentioned last week, I kinda draw the line with Bootleg links to topless pics of Lil’ Kim. I’m not about to send any tape copies to any 14 year old boys in suburbia, cuz I enjoy not bein’ arrested. Stuff like this is what the internet was created for. Trust me, it’s out there…you’ll find it.
Coming Soon
Reviews – New ones for Joe Budden (self-titled), Daz (DPGC: U Know What I’m Throwin’ Up) and Beyonce (Dangerously in Love)…yes, that Beyonce, should be completed shortly and posted this month.
The Remix – I’m actually pretty jazzed about this. Think of it as a long-form essay version of The Bootleg. The first column will tentatively explain why the hip hop “classic” All Eyez on Me is somewhat overrated and possibly only Tupac’s third best album.
First Listen – The previously mentioned look at West Coast artist Crooked I should be up later this month, as well. I cover his underground past, his lyrical present and his uncertain future on the Death Row label.
Oakland A’s Update: Not a great start to the big azz homestand that could make or break this team. The Monkey Boys of Anaheim come to Oakland this weekend, then it’s a couple of AL East patsies. Hey, Lilly…I hear AAA-Sacramento is lovely this time of year. Take Dye with you, too.
Wanna talk 2Pac or my favorite toothpaste? Get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
