Junk News, Huzzah! 07.03.03

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THE REAL ALEXA SHIZZNIT!

With everyone talking about how proud we are about Alexa here at 411, I thought I’d point out the proudest fact that no one has brought up. What is the contact address listed as?

Ashish Pabari and Jonathan Widro
Ashish Pabari Jonathan Widro,
1___ C_________ Ave
Sugar____, TX
77____

Now, I didn’t show you the address, but I just wanted you to know how proud I am to be working for the first openly gay webmasters in wrestling website history. You think Bob and Dave live together? Wade and Pat? Mr. Tito and um, Rajah? Flea and Hyatte? Keith and Scotsman? Prowrestling.com guy and other Prowrestling.com guy? NO! We have the only gay wrestling webmasters on the planet, and their love is true and will last! Keep reaching for the rainbow, fellas!

Widro might chuckle at that, but Ashish hates me.

JUNK NEWS! HUZZAH!

Everybody quit or was fired this week in the WWE. The only wrestlers left are Zach Gowen and Albert. Good luck to Zach Gowen and Albert.

Crash Holly and the WWE agreed to part ways after the WWE realized he still worked for them.

Roddy Piper was fired after comments he made on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. Vince fired Roddy by handing him a pink slip and then knocking it out of his hand.

Hulk Hogan quit because he was upset with a whole bunch of stuff. I hope that Vince learns a lesson for this and stops hiring wrestlers from the past to improve his product. He should be focusing on the future of the WWE. The future, like Rodney Mack. Like John Cena. Like Zach Gowen. Like Brock Lesnar. Like the new hot superstar on Smackdown, Mr. America. THEY are the future of the WWE, not relics like Hulk Hogan! Get your head out of your ass, Vince!

Hogan has been telling people that Vince lost touch with the fans since a meeting they had on June 12th. Hogan cited his own rehiring as proof.

Gail Kim or Kim Gail (I forget) won the women’s title on Raw. This marks the first time an Asian has ever held a title in the WWE. Congrats, Gail, and congrats to all of you who just had 10 examples of a WWE Asian Champion pop into your head. You are nerds.

The WWE has signed developmental talent Carly Colon. He has been described as a locker room cancer, thus making his full name Carly Colon Cancer.

Carly Colon is known to be a pain in the ass.

On NWA:TNA, no one said f*ck and Jeff Jarrett didn’t beat anyone. Must be some kind of holiday.

People expect Goldberg to leave the fed at any second. He is said to be very upset and disappointed that he has not accidentally ended anyone’s career yet.

TNA released a new shirt that says f*ck Vince on it. This shirt has a double meaning, as it could mean FUCK YOU VINCE RUSSO or HAVE SEX WITH VINCE RUSSO! Vince prays that some hot slut who does whatever t-shirts say comes to a taping.

Before I make fun of Edge’s commentary, I noticed he sent a sly shout out to Scott Keith in the opening of his column. Why don’t wrestlers do that for me? Why do those ass eating homos in tights hate me? As far as Edge goes, I’ve never said a bad word about that long blonde haired overrated Triple H’s cock-sucking dickhead. Write me, Edge.

Edge continued to write his unbelievably disturbing columns for WWE.com. In his most recent column, Edge spoke about the sexual escapades that went on in his basement. He and Christian had lulled Al Snow down there to “do sit-ups.” Al wound up hooked up to a contraption upside down, “completely helpless we waited like two cobras hiding in the bushes about to pounce on an unsuspecting mouse .We lulled him into a false sense of security for a few sit-ups and then we pounced. The gym shorts came down! Actually, I guess they went up, but you get the point.” They took turns sexually abusing him, and “We also didn’t let him unhook, so the blood was seriously rushing to his odd-shaped melon after about five minutes of this torture.” Even more disgusting, “Suffice it to say Mick was sorry he missed it, and was quite proud of us.” Al must have enjoyed it somewhat, because, “Believe it or not, we actually got him one more time with this Talk about a glutton for punishment!”

Edge not only abused Al Snow in his basement, he also enjoyed seeing other male wrestlers make love. “Between Eddie/O’Haire, Rhyno/Benoit, Brock/Show, Rey/Kanyon, Matt/Rikishi and Haas/Angle, it’s been fun to watch.” Wrestlers are disgusting and weird, and Edge is their king.

RVD’s comic book shop in California will open on July 22. Worst wrestler owned business ever.

If Goldberg quits the WWE and does not beat HHH at Summerslam as expected, look for the big push to go to one Sgt. Slaughter, the only man HHH has not gone over. Wait, yes he has. I meant lately. Jesus. HHH has even gone over Sgt. Slaughter.

Let’s ruin Smackdown.

The show begins with Rey facing Nunzio. Run ins a plenty result in an unexpected victory for Gregory Peck, returning from the grave to become the new Cruiserweight Champion.

Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle do a bit. It is said to be the funniest thing ever.

Rhyno and Benoit face Shanaquia and the Super Basham Brothers. Shananaquia shows interest in Benoit after the match, but he doesn’t know if he can trust her. We know this because he says as much while f*cking her up the ass.

Undertaker raps with Orlando Jones about John Cena and Jones’ new show on FX. Undertaker feels it is too racist, but he loved the movie Jones did with Eddie Griffin so all is forgiven.

Billy Gunn beats John Cena because John Cena isn’t over and will never be over and Billy Gunn is the greatest wrestler of all time.

Brock and Kurt do push ups. That’s it.

The tag team title match between Team Lenny and Carl and Jap-Span Connection ends in disaster when Tajiri is nuked, Eddie is busted for drugs and the Haas/Benjamin relationship explodes in a race riot.

A train fights Orlando Jones. No, not Albert. Vince has signed an old Amtrak train to a 2 year deal.

Big Show tries to figure out a way to intimidate Zach Gowen but he’s stumped.

Vince reveals Mr. America to be Hulk Hogan, so Hogan is fired. Many would call this anti-climatic, but I think it’s the most exciting segment in the history of the WWE.

Zach and Steph fight The Big Show. Stephanie wins after a piledriver. So no one else is allowed to use the move for fear they might injure their opponent, but Stephanie is allowed to piledrive The Big Show? This reeks of politics.

Junk News! Huzzah!

Blading
Cancer – The second leading cause of death in the United States today.
Cancer – The disease that about one milion American’s will be diagnosed with in 2003.
Cancer – What my great grandma died from last week.
Cancer – What my best friend died from when I was in grade 4.
Cancer – What I have a risk of dying from.
I found a lump on my neck last week, and I tryed not to think it was anything. The truth is that, cancer is probably my worst fear. I ignored the bump for a few days, until my step dad saw it, and made me go to the doctors.
I went into the doctors, scared as hell.
I came out just as bad.
He told me that I could have cancer. But he also told me that it could be something small.
I’m not a religious person, but that day I walked out of there praying for the best.
I have to go back in for tests. I hopefully can get in today. If not, Friday I’ll be in.
Until then, I sit here, worried to hell about my future. Dreaming of the day that I can fly off a Hell in a Cell.
bladehwc@yahoo.ca
Almost Done
Come see my show DUMPED, DITCHED AND LIED TO. It goes up next week. You can buy tickets at Smarttix.com. If you’re in the NYC area, give it a look.

To those of you who donated to help me start my career and get my dream rolling, I will never forget any of you. You have helped me so much, and you know that whenever you need a favor, just ask. As you can see above, shitty things happen in life. Two times now the readers of my column have come through for me and helped me when I needed help. You guys rule. Thank you so much.

I’ll try to get out a report next week, but it’ll be hard. At the very least, see you in two weeks.