Beyonc̩ РDangerously In Love Review

Ah, quit lookin’ at me like that. Sure, I’m your primary “rap guy” and Bootleg Distiller here at The Mania, but I’ve got a softer side, too. I have a cat. I cried when Bubba died in Forrest Gump (“I wanna go home…”). Hell, have y’all forgotten I drive a Saturn? Anyways, on my way home from work one day, I called the wife and asked if she needed anything from Target. Usually, this means I’m gonna be mixin’ in a box of panty liners with my Old Spice and animal crackers. Instead, she asked me to get the new Beyoncé album…and tampons.

Mmmmmm, Beyoncé. She’s a founding member of the multi-platinum (yet interchangeable) girl group Destiny’s Child. She replaced Britney Spears as Pepsi’s primary spokes-shill. She played Foxy Cleopatra in the spectacularly unfunny Austin Powers 3. She’s also hotter’n fish grease and ready to drop her solo debut, Dangerously In Love. The format for this review will be a lil’ different, as you’ll see.

Track #1 – Crazy In Love, Rich Harrison laces the opener with a hot horns n’ drums combo. Beyoncé gets a chance to show off her vocal range despite the paint-by-numbers lyrics and a nonsensical cameo from on-again-off-again lover Jay-Z. Make sure y’all check out the video. She drops this long legs/high heels crossover at the beginning…damn.

Track #2 – Naughty Girl, This cut starts off as it should: with Beyoncé promising “a party” with “all her girls” and promises to be “naughty”. It then repeats those empty promises over and over again.

Cover Art – Interesting photo for the CD cover. Light blue background and a rhinestone/zircon shawl barely covering Beyoncé’s average-sized breasts. I like the wet lips and wind-swept hair look, though.

Track #3 – Baby Boy, Sean Paul makes one of those flavor-of-the-month cameos on this one. Remember how last year “featuring Ashanti” was on every other video. The year before, it was “featuring Nate Dogg”. This one coulda been called Crazy In Love – the reggae remix.

Track #4 – Hip Hop Star, On the one hand, it’s more teasing from Miss B. She tells me I can get “nasty” and “messy” with her and undress her, but just as I think somethin’ might go down (heh) in the third verse, in comes Outkast’s Big Boi to kill the mood. Actually, his PG-13 bars are surprisingly decent and a good way to end the track.

Track #5 – Be With You, Yet another “we’re gonna screw tonight” track. Beyoncé seems to have a pretty high opinion of her cooch. I’m sure it’s all that and a plate of grits, too, but I can’t help but think there’s no way it could live up to the hype. Odd George Clinton sample here, too.

Track #6 – Me, Myself & I, Ah…the dreaded “broken-heart” song. She’s tellin’ her man she was dumb to love him, but what I don’t get is how everyone this guy knew tried to tell Beyoncé to watch out. If you can’t depend on your boys and your family to lie for you, then they really aren’t your friends.

Back Cover Art – Same background and outfit as the front. This time it’s a back shot (heh) of that fabulous ass (barely covered by some low-ridin’ jeans).

Track #7 – Yes, A very slow movin’ track with some wafer-thin production. Beyoncé can’t believe someone would want sex from her after she graciously said “yes” to go out a few times. Well, well, well…how quickly we move from half-nekkid on our CD cover to Tipper Gore. A “message” cut that comes off as very pretentious.

Track #8 – Signs – If you’ve ever wondered how many signs there were in the Zodiac, this is the track for you. Three things I learned: 1.) Beyoncé is a Virgo 2.) I’m flirtatious (Aries) 3.) Missy Elliott gets a “featuring” credit for sayin’ about 12 words. OK, she produced the track, but still…

Track #9 – Speechless – This is getting a lil’ ridiculous. How many ways can you talk about how much you love your man and how bad you wanna get in his JC Penny’s boxers (or whatever I’m wearin’ today). This track runs six minutes, but feels like 600.

Inside Art #1 – The first inside photo has B with that crazy permed-out look that jus’ doesn’t do it for me. She’s rockin’ a teal beaded bra/top, silvery paisley skirt and teal pumps. Fee-nominal legs, but that hair is makin’ me skurred.

Track #10 – That’s How You Like It, Jigga returns here with a joint that isn’t nearly as good the second time around. It’s Beyoncé’s requisite track for “tha streetz”. She professes love for thugs and admires their “honesty” and “integrity”. Seriously.

Inside Art #2 – Now this is more like it. B is laid out over a single layer of rocks, while wearing a long gold gown. While it makes for a great shot of her curves, it appears that she’s got some big azz feet. I’m guessin’ 10, 10 ½, easy.

Track #11 – The Closer I Get To You, The legendary Luther Vandross pops up on this remake of an all-time classic. The two work well together, even though they both seem to be holdin’ back a bit. We’ll turn the jokes off for a minute and wish Luther a full recovery from his recent stroke.

Inside Art #3 – Same rocks on the floor, but this time B is in a white dress that plunges the neckline down to her appendix. I think they were goin’ for an angelic theme, but she looks like a really hot homeless chick.

Track #12 – Dangerously In Love 2, She’s in love. Again. Nothin’ of note here except that she professes love for God in the first verse, then says she wants to have her man’s child and then wants to get married. Children out of wedlock…which God are you worshippin’?

Track #13 – Interlude, 15 seconds of some love letter…I’m sure it meant something to someone.

Track #14 – Gift From Virgo, B is still promisin’ to make sweet love to her man, but after all this time…I’m beginning to wonder.

Track #15 – Daddy, The one time on the album where there’s actually a measurable amount of heart and passion. It’s an ode to Beyoncé’s father and it’s a wonderfully emotional ride through her youth, adolescence, adulthood and her undying love for pops.